What is the reasonable parenting response here?

[Cadam]

The subject of my frustrations is my oldest. In this particular instance he is crying about breakfast. I can't afford to have a constant supply of my kid's favorite cereal on hand. Even if it is reasonably healthy $4.65 for a box that they will wipe out in 2 days (if I am lucky) is just more than I can justify. I do try to get them a box once a month so they have it occasionally.

This morning he asked if we had it and I said no but listed 3 other options that I know he likes. He proceeded to sit in his chair, unmoving, stare at the floor and cry. He does this about food he doesn't like, writing assignments, having to do the dishes exc.

Deep down I want to yell at him to "get over it!". Instead I told him that I had just suggested perfectly reasonable alternatives and if he was going to act this way he should just go get dressed and move on with his day. Not exactly a shining parenting moment but on the up side I refrained from telling him to "get over it" :o I guarantee that right now he is up in his room sitting on his bed, still in pj's doing nothing.

He gets "stuck" on something and just can't readjust expectations to reality. Despite the fact that the dinner dishes are his chore every night he has not accepted that reality, so he cries. Some of it is that he spends 3 days a week at his mom's house where he chooses what he eats, when he eats, does no chores and plays a great deal of video games. I know today is a transition but this is constant and will be played out all week. Once he finally accepts reality he mopes around glumly like he is in prison. Some of that is because I think he is addicted to the video game he plays but this crying thing drives me nuts!

No, he isn't just responding to me this way because I am his step-mother. I have been his mother since before he was a year old.

Someone here, without their emotions mixed into it and not pms'ing, please tell me what the right response is because I am at a loss. I have to go up there and get him moving so we can get some school work done. Part of me says "he is 10 yo he should be able to deal with his fav. yogurt instead of his fav cereal for breakfast" but the other part of me says "he is only 10 yo and is disappointed ". I am so very very frustrated with the crying over everything not exactly as he wants it and the bad attitude the rest of the time. As if I am imposing terrible burdens on him for asking him to eat yogurt, write a few sentences or do the dishes. I remember being this age, I did these things everyday. Dh remembers being this age. He was at boarding school already for goodness sake!

[Tammyla]

Honestly, I wouldn't worry over it. You didn't have the cereal, you offered other breakfast choices and he choose not to eat. I'd talk to him later after he regained his composure and explain that I wouldn't be able to buy that cereal again if it upsets so when you are out. It can be his choice to handle his response.;)

You did fine, he is a kid and would like his own way. Kids are like that. I imagine the other home factors into his expectations, but some days life gives you oatmeal.:eek: when you'd rather have cereal. You did fine, mom, step-mom, aunt, grandma or what ever your title.:D

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Deep down I want to yell at him to "get over it!". Instead I told him that I had just suggesting perfectly reasonable alternatives and if he was going to act this way he should just go get dressed and move on with his day. Not exactly a shining parenting moment but on the up side I refrained from telling him to "get over it" :o I guarantee that right now he is up in his room sitting on his bed, still in pj's doing nothing.



Please explain why this is a less than shining parenting moment? Why would telling him to get over it be a less than shining moment?

I wouldn't buy that cereal again for at least a year. Evidently, it causes him much distress. Parents shouldn't cause their kids that much distress if they can help it. So I would just cut to the chase. No more of the cereal. You can speculate with him, if you like, about what is in this cereal that causes him to cease acting like a ten year old. Sugar? Preservatives? Artificial colors? Carbohydrates? Corn? Wheat?

One does not always know these things. But one can prevent this sort of sorrowed reaction from happening again.

Sorry for not being allowed a video game? Simple. Take away that video game after a reasonable warning. He shouldn't have to suffer so. Reasonable people don't get to do what they want and eat what they want 24/7, and since you need him to learn to be a reasonable person, you are simply taking away all those things that he can't regulate yet.

And if he can't wash the dishes like a responsible 10 y/o, perhaps he should forgo other pleasures in life that 10 y/o's enjoy. Like later bedtimes. And privacy. And certainly tv and video games, because those are appropriate for older children.

[Amy in Orlando]

I agree with Pam and Tammy. I don't think you'd have been out of line to tell him to get over it.

[mysticamethyst]

When I go shopping I allow each to pick out ONE box of cerel; they do have to share if others like it. When its gone its gone, no more cerel till shopping next week. There is toast and sometimes, very rarely, I make muffins or an actual hot breakfast. At 10 I think he is old enough to handle this kind of dissappointment, and move on. He is also old enough to understand how much things cost. Part of growing up is learning the nasty lesson that we don't always get what we want and sitting in a lump doesn't make it happen. If its his games that are distracting tell him if he wants to act like that fine, but however long he carries on is how long he will be with out his electronics, this includes TV, handhelds, computers, anything that takes batteries; all of it. JMHO This is what I do with all my kids when they act up, I warn first then start taking away electronics one by one, or all at once depending on what they did or where doing.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I understand. I have a soon to be 10 yr ds who sometimes reacts similarly. He reacts with emotion and feels things in that fashion. (umm, I was/am like that too) He will tell me he doesn't quite understand why but that he is just having an emotional day. He feels the disappointment and shows it.

Part of what my ds does (and believe me, I was the same way as a kid and to some extent my brain still responds in this manner) is that he builds it up in his head. He is thinking about how his day will go and that includes food. When something happens that doesn't fit this "plan", one response is disappointment and moping. I so get that feeling of disappointment. (I have gotten past the moping and crying over it in case you were wondering ;) )

I am a mood eater. I like a lot of things, but just am not always in the mood for them. I typically rotate on a variety of offerings for breakfast. Sometimes I have prepared egg when he was in the mood for waffles. Ok, sorry, you can have them tomorrow. Sometimes, I tell him what we have and he fixes what he wants himself. I do not buy the junky cereals so those are not an option. If it were too expensive, then I would not have a never-ending supply of it.


One option or idea if you were interested is that he would be allowed to earn his own money to use for buy the expensive cereal. Then he might learn the value of the cost versus how quickly the product gets eaten!

No real words of wisdom or anything. I think you did fine. My ds reacts similarly and we talk about it later when he is not in the moment.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Oh, and I totally agree with what Pam said too regarding the causing too much distress. I forgot that we do that too. We have done it with the tv and the computer. THey hold too much value when they shouldn't and cause too much distress, so away they go!

[Stirsmommy]

You did well! I have actually said get over it before to the kids. Definitely not one of my better moments. But really you gave him choices and he chose. He won't starve. I know what you mean about video games. When my oldest was that age I had to really cut back on his playing (I still do sometimes) because his attitude was just like you described. My son ended up having to give up the game and slowly got to earn time with it. I imagine that is hard with him going to his other home part time.
Another thought is if you could tell him once a month, ok pick out your own cereal but it has to be your only one for a month. He might learn to mete it out a little at a time.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I understand. I have a soon to be 10 yr ds who sometimes reacts similarly. He reacts with emotion and feels things in that fashion. (umm, I was/am like that too) He will tell me he doesn't quite understand why but that he is just having an emotional day. He feels the disappointment and shows it.

Part of what my ds does (and believe me, I was the same way as a kid and to some extent my brain still responds in this manner) is that he builds it up in his head. He is thinking about how his day will go and that includes food. When something happens that doesn't fit this "plan", one response is disappointment and moping. I so get that feeling of disappointment. (I have gotten past the moping and crying over it in case you were wondering ;) )

I am a mood eater. I like a lot of things, but just am not always in the mood for them. I typically rotate on a variety of offerings for breakfast. Sometimes I have prepared egg when he was in the mood for waffles. Ok, sorry, you can have them tomorrow. Sometimes, I tell him what we have and he fixes what he wants himself. I do not buy the junky cereals so those are not an option. If it were too expensive, then I would not have a never-ending supply of it.


One option or idea if you were interested is that he would be allowed to earn his own money to use for buy the expensive cereal. Then he might learn the value of the cost versus how quickly the product gets eaten!

No real words of wisdom or anything. I think you did fine. My ds reacts similarly and we talk about it later when he is not in the moment.

Melissa, do you think it would have helped you to have had a daily schedule or something as a kid? A posted weekly menu?

I know some kids that crave knowing what is going to happen next, or feel safer having very specific "fences" for behavior or routines.

Would that have helped your emotional responses at all?

[GothicGyrl]

Then i guess I am a horrible parent because my response to his pouting would have been:

"Get over it. March upstairs, get dressed, brush your teeth/hair and get your butt back down here WITH a smile on your face so we can start school. If you choose not to eat breakfast, that is YOUR problem not mine and I will not feel sorry for you not getting your way".

And that would be that.

I only posted to tell you that I don't think you did anything wrong. ;)

[Miss Peregrine]

The answer to not wanting to eat what's for breakfast is "See you at lunch."

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Pam, I just don't know.

I think that maybe part of mine is related to negative issues with one of my parents. It was rough living with him. I wasn't allowed to speak my mind at all. I think choices were not an option. So when I became "free" of that, I have lived to be able to exercise my freedom of choice.

I tried a schedule with my ds for school -- not good to put it on paper. Even though we really kind of did that anyway. Still not good. What works for him, is that if his brain is in a funky moment, for me to recognize that, and to save him from it but allowing things to be different. This morning, his brain is not working. So math was painful. I told him to go play. He is not doing it on purpose. Odds are, later today, he will be in a much better frame of mind to handle it.

I guess I am just kind of odd, and that's ok by me!

I don't overeat emotionally. I don't eat really bad stuff. I just like variety and am not always in the mood for the same things sometimes. Part of that may be my body telling me that eating a variety is what I need nutrient wise. Part of that is probably related to control-- I get to control that now, so I do. WHole 'nother ball of wax there!

[PariSarah]

There is no reason that saying "Get over it" and synonyms, unemotionally and with no anger or snark, is the wrong response. "We don't have that cereal. Move on. Now." I think that was a perfectly fine parenting moment, and it's exactly what I would have said.

Two, as far as developmental appropriateness: it is reasonable to expect a ten-year-old to act with some flexibility when things don't go his way. It's also prudent to expect occasional emotional outbursts from a ten-year-old. The hormones may already have started, and he's in that nasty in-between time when he's not allowed to act like a little boy, but he's not allowed to enjoy some of the things older teens are allowed. The world is against him, and so on. You don't want to indulge bad behavior, but it sometimes helps to understand where it's coming from.

I think he's old enough for you to start getting him to think about his behavior a little more rationally. He's too old for behavior modification (discipline/rewards) alone. Some of it, yes. Loss of privileges, removing the temptation, that sort of thing definitely belongs in your parenting arsenal. But you can't rely on it the way you can with a younger kid.

He's old enough to start thinking about how he's behaving and why. So turn some of this on him, in a moment where you're both calm, well after the fact, maybe over hot cocoa: "Ds, it doesn't make sense to me that a kid your age can hear that he has three choices he loves, and still choose to whine about the choices he didn't get. It shows an ungrateful and inflexible spirit, and it's unattractive. What do YOU think is causing your bad attitude? How can I help you develop a more grateful and flexible attitude toward these things?"

"Ds, I have to be honest with you: I'm not looking forward to dinner tonight. Because I know that after dinner, you are going to pitch a fit about the dishes. Helping out the family is not optional. Your family does things to make your life easier and better, and you will return the favor. That's what family is, that's what family does. But I need you to tell me how I can help you not hate helping out the family. Is there a chore you'd rather do? Is there a system that would feel fairer to you? Or do I just have to keep insisting? What will help you have a better attitude toward contributing to the family?"

Get him invested in policing his own behavior, however you can.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

There is no reason that saying "Get over it" and synonyms, unemotionally and with no anger or snark, is the wrong response. "We don't have that cereal. Move on. Now." I think that was a perfectly fine parenting moment, and it's exactly what I would have said.

Two, as far as developmental appropriateness: it is reasonable to expect a ten-year-old to act with some flexibility when things don't go his way. It's also prudent to expect occasional emotional outbursts from a ten-year-old. The hormones may already have started, and he's in that nasty in-between time when he's not allowed to act like a little boy, but he's not allowed to enjoy some of the things older teens are allowed. The world is against him, and so on. You don't want to indulge bad behavior, but it sometimes helps to understand where it's coming from.

I think he's old enough for you to start getting him to think about his behavior a little more rationally. He's too old for behavior modification (discipline/rewards) alone. Some of it, yes. Loss of privileges, removing the temptation, that sort of thing definitely belongs in your parenting arsenal. But you can't rely on it the way you can with a younger kid.

He's old enough to start thinking about how he's behaving and why. So turn some of this on him, in a moment where you're both calm, well after the fact, maybe over hot cocoa: "Ds, it doesn't make sense to me that a kid your age can hear that he has three choices he loves, and still choose to whine about the choices he didn't get. It shows an ungrateful and inflexible spirit, and it's unattractive. What do YOU think is causing your bad attitude? How can I help you develop a more grateful and flexible attitude toward these things?"

"Ds, I have to be honest with you: I'm not looking forward to dinner tonight. Because I know that after dinner, you are going to pitch a fit about the dishes. Helping out the family is not optional. Your family does things to make your life easier and better, and you will return the favor. That's what family is, that's what family does. But I need you to tell me how I can help you not hate helping out the family. Is there a chore you'd rather do? Is there a system that would feel fairer to you? Or do I just have to keep insisting? What will help you have a better attitude toward contributing to the family?"

Get him invested in policing his own behavior, however you can.




Yes, we have those kinds of conversations as well. The last big paragraph you wrote, Sarah, is very much like we would do here. I just don't have the presence of mind to write it out as nicely as you did. So I'll just say, DITTO!:D

[melissel]

I understand. I have a soon to be 10 yr ds who sometimes reacts similarly. He reacts with emotion and feels things in that fashion. (umm, I was/am like that too) He will tell me he doesn't quite understand why but that he is just having an emotional day. He feels the disappointment and shows it.

Part of what my ds does (and believe me, I was the same way as a kid and to some extent my brain still responds in this manner) is that he builds it up in his head. He is thinking about how his day will go and that includes food. When something happens that doesn't fit this "plan", one response is disappointment and moping. I so get that feeling of disappointment. (I have gotten past the moping and crying over it in case you were wondering ;) )

I am a mood eater. I like a lot of things, but just am not always in the mood for them. I typically rotate on a variety of offerings for breakfast. Sometimes I have prepared egg when he was in the mood for waffles. Ok, sorry, you can have them tomorrow. Sometimes, I tell him what we have and he fixes what he wants himself. I do not buy the junky cereals so those are not an option. If it were too expensive, then I would not have a never-ending supply of it.


One option or idea if you were interested is that he would be allowed to earn his own money to use for buy the expensive cereal. Then he might learn the value of the cost versus how quickly the product gets eaten!

No real words of wisdom or anything. I think you did fine. My ds reacts similarly and we talk about it later when he is not in the moment.

This is a good post. I was thinking the same thing about having him earn the money for the cereal. Does he get allowance? Whenever my DD5 is complaining about not having things, I tell her she can save her allowance to spend on them. That usually puts a semi-permanent end to the whining, one way or the other.

The main thing I would do is sympathize now, so he at least knows you understand ("It's so disappointing when you really look forward to having something and then it's not there. You were probably totally craving your favorite thing, and then it turned out we were out of it. That's hard to deal with." yadda yadda yadda) Then later, when he's past it, I'd sit him down and have a frank discussion about grocery shopping and time commitments and how we choose to spend our money, and that we can't always have everything we want exactly when we want it, but that's what makes the things we wait for more special, etc. I think eliminating the cereal--in our house, at least-- would be a last resort, because I think that would breed more resentment and give the stupid cereal even more power, but that's just my own personal style.

Good luck. I totally expect to have this same kid in the girl variety--she's already very much like this!

[melissel]

I don't know. If I was hoping and expecting to, say, find my favorite dessert waiting for me in the fridge, and was really looking forward to it, and then it wasn't there and I was frustrated and down in the dumps over it, and my DH told me to "get over it" and told me I was being ungrateful and asked how he could help me fix my own bad attitude, he'd be looking at the business end of a rather large fit. I'm sure I'd know in my own head that it was a small thing, and that I'd need to get over it, but being told so would not help me at all.

I know my parenting style is by far in the minority here, though. And of course I don't parent exactly as I want to in every moment, but since we're talking calm, cool-headed ideals here... LOL!

[CookieMonster]

I told him that I had just suggested perfectly reasonable alternatives and if he was going to act this way he should just go get dressed and move on with his day.


This is exactly the proper way to respond. At least in my house.

You cannot make him decide to have a happy countenance, see the reasonableness of his choices, or get over his fit. You can't. Only he can do these things.

What you can do is not let his behavior disrupt the entire family. By giving him the speech you did, you let him know that his behavior was unacceptable and gave him a way to deal with it. There ain't nothin' wrong with that, Honey!

[Laura K (NC)]

Something happened when my boys turned about 10 when the least thing would make them cry, or they would harbor a bad experience or sad feeling long past its expiration date. Moodiness is one thing, but being spoiled is another. If this is a recent change in him, then be extra gentle with him for a while. That will really cement a good relationship with him and he will learn compassion by seeing your compassion.

HOWEVER, if this is how it always is with him, he's spoiled. You might do well to talk to some kind of counsellor to get the strength to tell him more often and consistently to "get over it" if you find it difficult, and to remove treats and privileges altogether, as Pam suggested, if they become daily demands. If he is always like this, then it is better that you not enable him any further. It is better to undo bad attitudes at home with a mother than it is out in the workforce or at college. Better still if you can talk to the birthmother and see if you can work out a system with her. Surely his behavior is exasperating for her, too.

[JuJuBee]

I would've responded exactly as you did and frankly I see nothing wrong or 'bad' about it!


If I was hoping and expecting to, say, find my favorite dessert waiting for me in the fridge, and was really looking forward to it, and then it wasn't there and I was frustrated and down in the dumps over it, and my DH told me to "get over it" and told me I was being ungrateful and asked how he could help me fix my own bad attitude, he'd be looking at the business end of a rather large fit. I'm sure I'd know in my own head that it was a small thing, and that I'd need to get over it, but being told so would not help me at all.



Ah, yes, but hopefully by the time my children are adults, they will be able to handle minor disappointments without making those around them miserable. That's the entire point of this encounter -- it's a learning opportunity for the ds that when we are faced with the kinds of small disappointments life throws our way, we often simply have to suck it up and go on; to do otherwise is ungracious and selfish.

And regardless, it's not my husband's job to correct my behavior, but it IS my job as a parent to correct my children's. :)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I don't know. If I was hoping and expecting to, say, find my favorite dessert waiting for me in the fridge, and was really looking forward to it, and then it wasn't there and I was frustrated and down in the dumps over it, and my DH told me to "get over it" and told me I was being ungrateful and asked how he could help me fix my own bad attitude, he'd be looking at the business end of a rather large fit. I'm sure I'd know in my own head that it was a small thing, and that I'd need to get over it, but being told so would not help me at all.

I know my parenting style is by far in the minority here, though. And of course I don't parent exactly as I want to in every moment, but since we're talking calm, cool-headed ideals here... LOL!

I, for one, LOVE reading about your parenting style.

I think, though, if your husband kindly offered you three alternatives to your dessert and you chose instead to cry and pout, he might be justified in being exasperated. And yes, the husband had best be careful to be standing at arms length when he suggests that you "get over it," LOL, but I would think the greater point is that he's your husband, not your father.

:)

[Remudamom]

I haven't read all responses yet but.........

I'd tell him to get over it, I wouldn't buy that cereal again for a looooooong time and if the behavior continued I'd take away priveleges hard and fast.
Ten is way too old to behave like you're two. I say this because I have a dd that would love to behave this way if she had the chance, when I confront her right away and nip it things resolve quickly, when I don't she gets worse and worse.

[Barb F. PA in AZ]

I don't have but a minute, so am not reading all responses but I think your moment this morning was particularly shining. It was a "get over it" type of moment. He's reacting all out of proportion to the problem at hand and if you usually show more sympathy you may have been unwittingly encouraging it.

This brings to mind my daughter's beloved gym coach. When a child the age of yours falls off the beam or flubs her bar routine she encouraged them to acknowledge the disappointment and move on. Crying was not an option. While giving the girl a hug she would tell her to shake it off..."cry for your dead cat, cry for world peace, but don't waste emotion that strong over a low score." Crying can become a habit unless the child makes an effort to match the reaction with the situation. At 10, he's surely old enough to learn that. Not "only 10" but "10 and old enough to eat the yogurt."

He may be sensing your ambivalence so stick to your guns. You did well and were kinder than I would have been. Crying, whining and moping over small disappointments gets zero sympathy in our house.

Barb

[PariSarah]

I don't know. If I was hoping and expecting to, say, find my favorite dessert waiting for me in the fridge, and was really looking forward to it, and then it wasn't there and I was frustrated and down in the dumps over it, and my DH told me to "get over it" and told me I was being ungrateful and asked how he could help me fix my own bad attitude, he'd be looking at the business end of a rather large fit. I'm sure I'd know in my own head that it was a small thing, and that I'd need to get over it, but being told so would not help me at all.

For a couple of reasons, I don't think this is a fair analogy. 1) OP is talking about a consistent problem--not a one-time episode. That's why I mentioned prudently expecting occasional outbursts. We all have them. No biggie. But that's not what OP is talking about--she's indicating that her son has a major problem with dealing with incredibly minor disappointments.

2) You are an adult. To be "parented" by your dh would, of course, be offensive. But it's your job to parent your child, who is not yet an adult. Teaching him to deal with minor disappointments is part of your job. I'm a big fan of doing it with some combination of honesty and tact. In this instance, I would lean toward brutal honesty.

(And, heck, if I had an ongoing problem with an adult relative who was constantly overreacting to small disappointments, I think I would lean toward brutal honest there, too. "Hon, it's a piece of pie. We have brownies, ice cream, and six kinds of candy. Stop making the rest of us miserable for such a small thing." Not what I'd say if my normally cheerful and flexible wife burst into tears at finding no pie in the fridge. But if this were an everyday occurrence, yes.)

[PariSarah]

I know my parenting style is by far in the minority here, though. And of course I don't parent exactly as I want to in every moment, but since we're talking calm, cool-headed ideals here... LOL!

I also meant to say: I like what you said, above, about making sure ds knew about the realities of budgets and grocery shopping. Sometimes we assume that kids know things they don't know, like about how mom's pantry is not the same as a grocery store shelf. It doesn't get magically replenished every night. :D

I guess my answer sort of assumed that the kid already knew that, and that he kind of realized that he wasn't supposed to be pitching fits over this. Maybe we'd already done that talk to death, and he was still pitching fits, or maybe he'd said something to the effect that he didn't want to be grumpy any more but that he couldn't seem to stop himself. It seems like we'd have to move on to new territory with our conversations.

But what you said is definitely good ground to cover first.

[elegantlion]

Sounds like it's time for an economics lessons. My ds10 knows quite well that if he asks for something we don't have, he gets "That would be great, but we don't have that, here's is what we do have."

Of course, my ds has seen us go through some very tight financial times when I've had to buy groceries with very little money. My standard reply for not buying product xxx is "Well, I didn't have enough money" or "I thought it would be nice to eat for 7 days this week, not just a few".

I think someone else mentioned letting them buy an extra box with their own money, we have done that as well. I agree that is frustrating.

[Mama Lynx]

Pam, I just don't know.

I think that maybe part of mine is related to negative issues with one of my parents. It was rough living with him. I wasn't allowed to speak my mind at all. I think choices were not an option. So when I became "free" of that, I have lived to be able to exercise my freedom of choice.

I tried a schedule with my ds for school -- not good to put it on paper. Even though we really kind of did that anyway. Still not good. What works for him, is that if his brain is in a funky moment, for me to recognize that, and to save him from it but allowing things to be different. This morning, his brain is not working. So math was painful. I told him to go play. He is not doing it on purpose. Odds are, later today, he will be in a much better frame of mind to handle it.

I guess I am just kind of odd, and that's ok by me!

I don't overeat emotionally. I don't eat really bad stuff. I just like variety and am not always in the mood for the same things sometimes. Part of that may be my body telling me that eating a variety is what I need nutrient wise. Part of that is probably related to control-- I get to control that now, so I do. WHole 'nother ball of wax there!

It sounds like I may have a child similar to yours. Once he has lost his control, and gets emotional, we cannot stick to the routine. He cannot do math, say, at that point, and buckling down only makes things worse. At that point I have him go play, or read, or run around the block, or take a bath, or something. And then we do the math later, when the mood has lifted.

He does not fuss over breakfast, but another of my children is, and will cry if his cereal, or whatever is not there. And yes, I tell him to get over it and move on.

With my 10 year old emotional one, we have many, many talks like Sarah mentions. All the time. Eventually, it sinks in. But it is hard. I was like that as a kid, and no, I could NOT help it. I could NOT control myself. Punishment did NOT help me to learn. I really could have used someone who empathized with me and helped me to identify how and why I was feeling and acting the way I did ... and so that is what I focus on with this child.

I'm also about to read them "The Long Winter." You think your life is bad when your favorite food choice is not available? Heh.

[Ria]

I'd tell him to get over it. If he couldn't do that in under 5 minutes, he's go back to his room and/or not eat breakfast. I have no tolerance for whining and carrying on.

Ria

[Kelli in TN]

I agree with several others, there is nothing wrong with telling him to get over it.

I have a whiner. She weeps over cereal and vegetables and bedtime and chores and math and......... And she's ten, too!! "Get over it, Shalom" is a frequently heard phrase around here.

Even her very even keeled speech therapist told her a couple of weeks ago "I don't care how you feel, I don't care how hard your day was. We only have 30 minutes, so buck up here and get to work."

And she did!!

Some kids are whinier than others and I think we just have to parent them through it. I don't see anything in your post that suggests you were unkind or thoughtless about his feelings. I think sometimes you just have to be business like with these little bundles of emotion.

[Mekanamom]

I haven't read all the responses yet. I think it is sometimes a fine line between feeling compassion for our kids' feelings of disappointment, and allowing pouting.

I generally tell my kids that it's okay to feel sad or disappointed about things. That's part of being human. BUT, it's not ok to punish the people around us by throwing a fit or pouting about it.

The policy here is that if one of us (and this includes me!) finds herself pouting or throwing a fit, we are to go sit somewhere private until we're feeling well enough to come back out and be polite. It's much easier and much more effective to work through a problem if one can discuss it politely anyway, and we can still acknowledge our feelings while at the same time behave ourselves. Easier said than done. I am still working on it myself!

As for pouting about schoolwork... I usually give the child some time to calm down and control herself. If that doesn't work, the work gets doubled. Choose to cry over three paragraphs? Guess what, now you have six. HOWEVER, if the child in question can keep herself under control and present an acceptable alternative (May I please outline my composition today and finish it tomorrow?) I am willing to consider it. :)

[Brigitte]

I understand. I have a soon to be 10 yr ds who sometimes reacts similarly. He reacts with emotion and feels things in that fashion. (umm, I was/am like that too) He will tell me he doesn't quite understand why but that he is just having an emotional day. He feels the disappointment and shows it.

Part of what my ds does (and believe me, I was the same way as a kid and to some extent my brain still responds in this manner) is that he builds it up in his head. He is thinking about how his day will go and that includes food. When something happens that doesn't fit this "plan", one response is disappointment and moping. I so get that feeling of disappointment. (I have gotten past the moping and crying over it in case you were wondering ;) )

I am a mood eater. I like a lot of things, but just am not always in the mood for them. I typically rotate on a variety of offerings for breakfast. Sometimes I have prepared egg when he was in the mood for waffles. Ok, sorry, you can have them tomorrow. Sometimes, I tell him what we have and he fixes what he wants himself. I do not buy the junky cereals so those are not an option. If it were too expensive, then I would not have a never-ending supply of it.

I have a 6 y.o. dd who is the same way. It takes all my strength to deal with it some times. In fact, it was a battle just like this over math this morning. I am better able to pinpoint what is bothering her (dh's mood has a very strong impact on her behavior). But, I do think that she often has a plan in her head and it will almost always meet with some disappointment. The result is a crying blob. Some days I do better dealing with it than others.

I am "mood eater," too. I will eat everything in the house if I don't have what I am in the mood for. However, like you, I don't cry anymore over it. :D

I don't have any advice other than trying to talk to him later to see if something else is bothering him and it is just manifesting itself in other ways.

[Joanne]

Once he finally accepts reality he mopes around glumly like he is in prison. Some of that is because I think he is addicted to the video game he plays but this crying thing drives me nuts!

This is a key I think that has been missed. If your mama gut is telling you a video game has this much power over his life, get rid of the game (and probably related screen time). Period.

Deep down I want to yell at him to "get over it!". Instead I told him that I had just suggested perfectly reasonable alternatives and if he was going to act this way he should just go get dressed and move on with his day. Not exactly a shining parenting moment but on the up side I refrained from telling him to "get over it

I'd tell him to get over it. Some kids need more coaching on "scale" than others. They *truly* need to be coached through how to put an event on an importance scale. This went against everything I believed in when I was first learning about positive discipline. I didn't want "happy to be the only acceptable emotion." But I had a child who reacted at "8" when the situation was a 2. I had to teach him "this is a 3. This is what 3 looks like". You reacted at 8. This is what 8 looked like.

"You can't hold the rest of us emotionally hostage" and "You can feel however you feel, but you can't make us feel it, too" are phrases I use here. Non compliance is a choice to be alone. Note: You do not have to be happy; you just can't actively create *unhappy*.

[strider]

On the one hand, I think keeping to appropriate boundaries in your home is what you must do. What you told your ds sounded fine to me.

On the other hand . . .

I have five young cousins (they call me their aunt) who come every weekend. I call them my "weekend kids." They come because their mother is in a nursing home and their father uses the time to work as many hours as he can fit in.

They adore me, and they know my rules, and they know I mean business.

BUT . . .

Transitioning between their home and mine is an ongoing strain on all five of them. I do find that training them to my boundaries takes longer than I would expect of kids who are here ALL the time and who are intelligent and know what I expect.

It's a fine line to walk--I *have to* maintain our house rules, I *have to* be consistent, or we will all die-in-a-pile from the effort of having all these extra kids every week. Yet I also have to recognize the stress that is inherent to their double-life, and I have to be prepared to pad our life and routine for it.

I find that structure and advance communication are totally essential. I try very hard to OVER-communicate because doing so heads things off at the pass.

In our case, four of the five cousins are VERY picky eaters. I try to accommodate by fixing those foods I know they are more likely to eat. However, inevitably, there will be *something* that *someone* does not want. When they are home with their father they are welcome to have PBJs at any time. At my house, they eat what I give them or go hungry. SO what I do is tell them when I pick them up what we will be eating for dinner that night. I emphasize the parts I know they like. I list the ingredients. I remind them of our rules and finish with something like, "You've had this before and you did well with it then." For these children, that advance warning of what's to come AND the trust they have that I will tell them all the ingredients, really helps.

With your ds, can you explain why you buy the cereal only sometimes, and explain that you will buy it in 3 weeks? Or you might choose to keep the exact time at which you will buy the cereal nebulous, but you can promise him that it WILL be bought again? Just a thought--over-communicating might help him as it does my little cousins.

Also, on the crying, I have been known to say (gently) to my kids, "This is not worth crying about. It is a disappointment, but it is not worth crying about." Sometimes I might even give examples of what IS worth crying about (gently--not punitively or harshly). They get a sense then of regulating their emotional response to different situations.

So in summary--I agree that you need to firmly hold the line, and not feel guilty for doing so. But I think that the strain of living in two homes (even though the arrangement is amicable and both homes are loving) needs to be recognized too.

[Cadam]

This is a key I think that has been missed. If your mama gut is telling you a video game has this much power over his life, get rid of the game (and probably related screen time). Period.



I'd tell him to get over it. Some kids need more coaching on "scale" than others. They *truly* need to be coached through how to put an event on an importance scale. This went against everything I believed in when I was first learning about positive discipline. I didn't want "happy to be the only acceptable emotion." But I had a child who reacted at "8" when the situation was a 2. I had to teach him "this is a 3. This is what 3 looks like". You reacted at 8. This is what 8 looked like.

"You can't hold the rest of us emotionally hostage" and "You can feel however you feel, but you can't make us feel it, too" are phrases I use here. Non compliance is a choice to be alone. Note: You do not have to be happy; you just can't actively create *unhappy*.

Thanks Joanne, and everyone. I have some good ideas for how to handle this in the future. I guess I didn't do such a bad job to begin with but more ideas are always great.

A couple of people mentioned getting rid of the video games. Those are not at my house. He plays World of Warcraft anywhere from 5-10 hours a day at his mom's house, 3 days a week. There is nothing I can do about this but it does make me sad because I believe he is addicted to these types of games. Some of it is just that he is tired at my house. His mom allow him to stay up playing these games until 2 and 3am but sleeping until noon is not acceptable here.

I don't think I will be purchasing this cereal (Life) for a while but I will suggest that if ds would like he can purchase it himself.

[Jill, OK]

...I remember another thread where you posted about this same son, and birth mom...about the homeschooling not happening while he's there?

Didn't you say that he spent three days there, and then four days with you?

If so, what about sort of looking at the first day that he's back at your house as a transition sort of time. (I'm betting this kind of thing is worse when he first comes home, right?) I don't mean letting these behaviors go or anything...just sort of steeling yourself for a day of readjustment, extra firmness, reminders, etc. That way it might not be so trying, if it's not really a surprise, or if you plan for a day of simply having to be on your game a little more.

There's a big paradigm shift, many times, going from home to home, and some of his melting down might be expected, although not excused, KWIM?

Sorry it's tough. ((Hugs))

[sdWTMer]

Wow! Pam's response is just how I would handle it.

[Kayaking Mom]

I too am a "get over it" mom. We have a general rule here - no crying over anything that won't cry over you. I waive it a little if there's blood or a big bump or some other trauma. But generally, I think crying and fit pitching is indulgent in my 5 year old, so while I don't have a 10 year old, I think it would be substantially worse. Hang in there - a morning without Crispy Sugar Bombs won't hurt him. You're doing great!