Follow on to the loaning money to family question...

[Amy loves Bud]

At a recent family gathering, I found out that my brother has an extremely large kidney stone that he needs to have surgically removed (I'm frankly amazed he has any kidney function left). He does not have the money to cover his high deductible, and the surgeon requires it up front.

The only reason I found out about this was that my sister mentioned it to me, and his eyes shot bullets at her when she did. He clearly didn't want me to know, and answered my questions in a way that let me know he didn't want to discuss it with his "kid" sister.

So, we have the money to give him (we wouldn't loan it). I hate to think of the pain he is living with and the long term health consequences he could suffer, so I really just want to send him a check. But his demeanor made me afraid to even mention it. I don't want to overstep my bounds in any way.

What would you do?

[nancypants]

Give it anonymously through a third party whom you trust. Of course this might mean using actual cash... I think what you are doing (or wanting to do) is very kind. What a sweet sister you are.

Someone (we still don't know who) once anonymously gave us a large sum of money for a specific purpose with a typed note telling what it was for.

[Tutor]

Is there any way of paying the surgeon directly and having his office contact your brother to let him know that all the paperwork is in order to schedule the surgery?

We've sent payments directly to utility companies on behalf of family and friends before when we knew they wouldn't accept money directly from us.

[j.griff]

That's what I was going to suggest, IF you know the name of the surgeon. Otherwise, I'd maybe go through a church or lawyer or someone, to pass the money on anonymously.

[Amy in Orlando]

Is there any way of paying the surgeon directly and having his office contact your brother to let him know that all the paperwork is in order to schedule the surgery?

We've sent payments directly to utility companies on behalf of family and friends before when we knew they wouldn't accept money directly from us.

This is what I would suggest as well. If it's paid for and all he has to do is show up, that might take any sting out of it. I'm sure the surgeon's office would honor your request of anonymity. I hope it works out and your brother will accept your wonderful gift.

[Cadam]

the thing is if you send him cash or even pay the surgeon I am guessing he is smart enough to know where it came from. However if he has a church or other religious organization you could funnel it through them and he can just think that his church family is helping him out.

We once had someone pay for our car repair anonymously but it wasn't to hard to narrow down who knew it needed doing and then who had the $$ to pay for it. So we know where it came from. If you really don't want him to know you will have to be creative.

[Amy loves Bud]

Thanks for your great advice.

He lives in another city, so there is really no way to figure out who the surgeon is without giving it away. No church group, either.

I like the idea of giving it anonymously and will have to brainstorm with Bud on how we could go about this.

I appreciate your help!

[PariSarah]

Do you otherwise have a good relationship with your db?

If it's a strained relationship, and your gift will just make it more strained, then I think the anonymous plan is definitely the way to go.

But if you have a reasonably good relationship with your db, then, honestly, I think that the strain your gift causes would probably be minimal. Truly. Hand him a check, and say, cheekily or sincerely, whichever fits you better, "I care more about you getting your operation than I do about you being mad at me for caring. Get over it." :D

I can understand how such a thing would kill some relationships--ones that are on life support as it is. But it would do us all some good to learn how to give and accept with grace.

[Amy loves Bud]

How to answer this.

I am the youngest in this family of 7 children. Next to me, this db is the youngest, but he is still 10 years older. I've been more "successful" education-wise and financially than my siblings, and it is a bit of a barrier for a few of them. There is definitely a wall there. As just one of many examples, when our mom and dad were ill, my concerns and ideas were met with what I would call amusement at/tolerance of their cute little sister. Nevermind that I have a MEDICAL DEGREE! ARGH. It was truly one of the most frustrating times in my life. I can't tell you how many times I was cut off by one of them when I was asking a doctor questions.

So, we get along. We have a good time together. But there is something there, not just with him but with the others as well. I am, and always will be, the little sister. I think this is the reason for the glare he gave our sister when she told me. I am very careful to keep my mouth shut about any of their business as I don't want to cause any strain - believe me there is enough amongst the seven of us, even if we do have a good time together.

But, I'm inclined to do as you say, and let it strain the relationship, as I can't really think of a way to do this anonymously. I appreciate the input.

[PiCO]

Can you give the money to the sister who told you, and have her say she took a collection from all siblings?