Moms to all boys -

[one l michele]

How do you deal with all the testosterone? My dh can be just as much of a kids as my boys and just joins right in the wrestling, etc..

How do you maintain a special connection with your boys as they get older?

I look at dh's relationship with his mother and want more, is that unreasonable? She lives in the neighboring state we see her ~ 3 times a year and talk on the phone monthly.

I want to be more then the maid, taxi driver, on call nurse, triage unit, etc.. How can I encourage that?

My boys are 7.5, 6, and 4 if that helps.

[~Tara~]

Um...BMX with them? LOL

I've always been a rough & tumble kinda gal. So, the things that intrigue and excite my boys, generally do the same for me.
Once, Eldest got involved in BMX the whole family was HOOKED!! I think they think it's kinda cool that their mom races bikes with them ;) We have a special little bond there in that.

Otherwise, they all enjoy helping me cook. They're in the kitchen any chance they get. So I get some special, more sensitive, time with them there.

I don't know really what to 'do' to encourage/foster a close relationship. Things just kind of 'happen' around here. I coach and cheer them on when they wrestle with one another and with dad. I rush them around the track..encouraging the improvements I've seen in their riding and noting where improvements are needed. I'm just involved in what they like. I don't know what else TO do, but this seems to be working well enough at this time. My elder boys are 10, 8, and 6.

[mcconnellboys]

I don't do play (or not on purpose, anyway, LOL), but I'm the one who takes them all the neat places: cool vacations, great restaurants, movies, theatre productions, mega field trips, concerts, zoos, aquariums, etc., etc. I'm the adventure leader! I'm the one who shows them the world and all the wonderful, neat, cool, scary things in it. And I talk to them constantly, about everything. I certainly hope that when they grow up they don't discard me as simply the now unneeded maid, taxi driver, nurse, etc.!

Regena

[nancypants]

How do you deal with all the testosterone? My dh can be just as much of a kids as my boys and just joins right in the wrestling, etc..

How do you maintain a special connection with your boys as they get older?

I look at dh's relationship with his mother and want more, is that unreasonable? She lives in the neighboring state we see her ~ 3 times a year and talk on the phone monthly.

I want to be more then the maid, taxi driver, on call nurse, triage unit, etc.. How can I encourage that?

My boys are 7.5, 6, and 4 if that helps.

Do they things they like to do with them... and talk to them a lot. Be a goof ball with them. My Mom and brother are very close... they talk a lot. I think this is probably especially important as they become teenagers. Just keep talking and listening and in areas where you don't HAVE to, don't nag them.

[momo4]

I wrestle with them, but I think that all dc need the soft side in their lives too. Especially, a home with all boys. I love em up even when they fight it, but I know they secretly like it.:) I go for walks with them and like Tara said, I encourage their interests and cheer them on. My husband is all about teaching them, so I try to balance that with the encouragement aspect.

Also, be a good listener without a lot of judgment (still working on that one).

[Mama Lynx]

I wrestle with them :) I think, that for my older boys, the wrestling fulfills some of their need for physical contact without having to admit they need a hug from Mom ;-)

I am willing to look at bugs and trample in the mud with them. I do encourage them to build forts and do messy experiments. I tolerate a great deal of noise in the home.

We have many shared interests, and they are always running to tell me about something. On the one hand, they drive me batty. On the other, I am not about to discourage them! I think that shared interests, and an interest in interests that are not shared (or a willingness to be shared with), are key.

[Danestress]

How do you deal with all the testosterone? My dh can be just as much of a kids as my boys and just joins right in the wrestling, etc..

I do really enjoy them. I'm not rough and tumble, but I find ways to enjoy that boy energy. I like to take them camping and hiking. I'll take boy energy over girl high maintenance emotional demands ANY day, lol.

How do you maintain a special connection with your boys as they get older?

My 20 year old and I are reasonably close. He calls me a lot (not like my friends' daughter call three times a day, lol, but enough for me, like twice a week) and seems to rely on my judgment. I'm sure this will evolve as he grows, marries, etc. But I have a basic feeling that we will always have a warm relationship. He's a talker, so that helps.

I think part of this is the personality of the players, though. People have natural affinities for some people and not others. It's entirely possible that one of my boys will simply enjoy me more than the others when he is grown - just because of the personalities involved. I want my sons to enjoy my company, but I can't force them to.

I look at dh's relationship with his mother and want more, is that unreasonable? She lives in the neighboring state we see her ~ 3 times a year and talk on the phone monthly.

Well, I would want more than that as the mother, and DH wants more time than that with his mother. DH really respects and admires his mother and enjoys being with her. She's a very positive, entertaining person, so we just genuinely like her. But see? That's a personality thing. He really actually likes her. I thinnk we have to hope our sons feel that way about us when they grow up, and we have to cultivate the kinds of behaviors that are likely to make them like us.


I want to be more then the maid, taxi driver, on call nurse, triage unit, etc.. How can I encourage that?

My boys are 7.5, 6, and 4 if that helps.


By not being just the maid/taxi driver etc. Get a life!

Seriously, I have all boys so my DH spends a fair amount of time with them, and I have *no* guilt about using some of that time to cultivate relationships with female friends, read books, go to book club, exercise etc. I'm NOT just a taxi driver or nurse or maid.

My MIL only had one child - my DH. She always worked. She's retired now, and is a widow, but she has always had a lot of interests and she never let my DH think that she existed for his needs. Probably for some women here she would be the ultimate nightmare "working Mom" neglecting her son. But he adores her and she's adoring of him. She's always interesting. She's never boring. She has a lot to talk about apart from stories about the past. I just really like being around her and DH feels the same way. I guess my hope is that when my boys are grown, I will have a full life and an interesting one and that I will have a lot of friends and a community I am part of. I hope I will always find new things to be interested in and have an active mind and imagination. I hope I don't project neediness to them but am able to be relaxed and content with them. I think that increases the odds of them enjoying me.

But still, they could all three live in foreign land so I rarely see them. Or they could marry women who don't like me. Or they could not particularly like me themselves. It happens. With sons or daughters. Life isn't always predictable.

[Kinsa]

Umm.... I have no idea... :cool:

[Laura K (NC)]

and get all pumped up with testosterone they do distance themselves from me just a bit and start being "dad" groupies, and that's a great thing that I want to encourage. But OTOH I miss cuddling sometimes. :(

The great thing about having all boys is that they have to do all the chores. There's no division of labor between the boys and the girls, and I refuse to do some chores like unloading and loading the dishwasher, feeding the pets, and taking out trash. Whenever I feel "used," all I have to do is crack the whip. :D

I have also found that as my boys get older (now 14.5, 13 and 11) their personalities are more complex. One of my boys is more tender, one is more artistic, and one desperately wants to be the spitting image of his dad. I think boys no less than girls learn compassion from the way they are raised, and they learn how to treat their parents by the way (we) take care of our own parents and neighbors. It takes a whole lifetime of training.

I do worry that my boys will grow up and marry someone with a strong personality like their mother, and that their wives might change them into men that I won't know anymore. It makes me sad sometimes to think about it, and then I remember to pray!

[Whisperlily]

I'm not a mom of only boys, but I have two of them, and I know exactly what you're talking about. My DH has about the same relationship with his mother, as does my Dad with his... But, in those cases, there was a sense of "disconnect" at an early age. Their moms were too wrapped up in their own lives to care for their own children.

I believe you have to work a little harder with boys, to make that personal connection. I don't try to be rough and wrestle with them, but I do sometimes "elbow them" or give them a "nudge" and a grin when walking by. My version of "roughhousing" is more a nod to the fact that they're boys than actually participating. Same with other typically boy things. I tend to acknowledge thier silliness without advocating it. Belch wars, (in the privacy of our own home) usually are met with me exaggeratedly rollling my eyes with an obvious grin, and saying "Oh boy. I'm getting out of here." And, I don't let it go on too long. (I do happen to be a spontaneous person though, and even though it doesn't happen in the form of roughhousing, we do stay busy, have fun, and plenty of time to let down and be silly.)

I think it is important for them to have a Mom who just lets them be themselves. I seek out times to sit quietly with my sons and allow them to soften on their own. It's amazing what silence can do. I'll sit beside my one of my sons' bed sometimes (not every night), and not say a word. If he asks what I'm doing, I'll say... "just sitting with you." It's usually followed by a period of silence, and then he'll open up. Talking, sharing, bonding. I don't usually say much, unless he asks me to, but I listen. I let him lead the conversation while affirming his thoughts, not lecturing or advising. He usually ends with a deep satisfied sigh, and an "I love you, Mom."

My other son is younger (age 5) and needs me to verbalize for him, as he doesn't understand his own thoughts/feelings as well yet. The other night I sat with him on the porch outside and wrapped him in my arms. I did the talking and he was silent. I told him about "someday." "Someday, if you have children, I will love them just as much as your Grandma loves you." "When you bring them to my house I'll tell them all about you when you were a boy." I go on describing all his good qualities using examples of his behavior. "I'll tell them how thoughtful you were, and how you would bring home books for your sister so she wouldn't feel left out." I'd describe fun and funny things he has done, and point out all the things that were *specific to him* so he knows that my heart is caring about the complicated and unique person he is.

I OFTEN tell my sons what wonderful men I know they're going to be. (usually in a softer moment.) I ask them if they'll take care of their Mama when they're all grown up. ;) I tell them that God has a plan for them, and I can't wait to see what that is. I tell them that I know they'll be good fathers and husbands someday. We have talked about the fact that not everyone is called to marriage and parenthood, but they always talk about what they'll do for their wife and with their children someday.

We talk about the future and instill ideas about personal life/character related goals. We make sure that they know we'll love them no matter what.

I think these little boys *need* that softness in their lives. :)

[Mx5]

How do you deal with all the testosterone? My dh can be just as much of a kids as my boys and just joins right in the wrestling, etc..

How do you maintain a special connection with your boys as they get older?

I look at dh's relationship with his mother and want more, is that unreasonable? She lives in the neighboring state we see her ~ 3 times a year and talk on the phone monthly.

I want to be more then the maid, taxi driver, on call nurse, triage unit, etc.. How can I encourage that?

My boys are 7.5, 6, and 4 if that helps.

Although I don't have all boys, I do have 3 of them (ages 17, 13, & 8). 2 daughters, too. The thing with my boys is that I feel I need to really listen to them, even if I am not interested in the things they are. For instance, I can't tell you how many times my boys and I have had "versus" chats. Who would win? Superman vs. Batman? Aragorn vs. Legolas? Jack Bauer vs. Jason Borne?

We talk, I tickle and hug and tell them how glad I am to be their momma.

Now my oldest is 17 - he respects what I have to say, even in disagreement. It helps a lot that he's a scifi geek like his mom. hehee.

Keep on talking, tickling, laughing. It will add up over time.

[lynn]

Be willing to throw the football, shoot hoops, play baseball, soccer etc. We have family games the boys love it and as added benefit it's more exercise for mom. Also, find what would make them happy from playing play dough to board games. I have a unique bond with each of my boy, my middle son loves to cook with me, baby boy loves board games and my oldest at 15 likes to have my undivded attention as he expresses his views on current events or shares his rambling thoughts. Just spending time with them will bring a bond you just have to find out what makes them tick what's important to them and this will change as they get older.

[Colleen]

First of all, am I the only one here who thinks seeing a parent who lives in a neighboring state three times a year and talking on the phone once a month isn't such a bad thing? That doesn't seem so awful to me, but...maybe I'm missing something.

Of course I hope to maintain an open and ongoing relationship with all my boys as they get older. As others have noted, though, the degree of close contact may vary when they're adults, depending on personality. At this point, it's not been a problem; I think my older boys would say they feel as close to me (or closer) than they do to their father. We share books and other educational and cultural pursuits. We share active, outdoor interests. It's important to me to be active with my children. We ski ~ sharing a ski lift ride together is a great opportunity for chatting. We also bike and hike and camp and canoe and do all kinds of other things outside. My guys are way, way, WAY into soccer. I don't play, but I love the game and can talk about it with them.

One thing with boys (I suppose one could say this of children in general) is to just be an open book. Be there to listen. Ask questions. Show an interest in their interests. Find commonalities. Best to find some common ground when they're younger and grow together in that as they get older. Trotting them around to activities and watching from afar is fine, but really learning about what they're doing ~ and doing it with them ~ is great.

[Sunny]

I got a female dog, does that help? Yep, I needed some estrogen to help even things out.
However, I find that getting those moments to really talk with them really helps us connect.
I also attempt to participate in the fun things they like to do. I'm learning to snowboard with them because I want to be with them when they can potentially be spending hours away, regularly.
When they were small, I played at the park with them, rather than sit on the bench and watch.
But, really, there is just a lot of testosterone that I can't identify with, hence the female dog I can go crawl up with and pet with a gentle hand.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

My boys are young too (almost 10 and 6 1/2). But I definitely try to make sure that they are able to be good communicators. We talk a lot about everything. That helps, for us, to be more open. I also make a point of going on "dates" with mine. Just some really nice one-on-one time to further connect over a nice dinner out.
I so share a few of their interests (umm, Legos!) so we have a commonality there.

And if I feel they are taking me for granted, I speak up and let them know how things are around here and the proper way to view me. Just a reminder of what I do for them so that they understand.

I also let them know that there are times for just me. I need that kind of space and let them know about it. They are recognizing their own needs of when they seem to require alone time as well. We talk about it a lot.

I don't know how this will translate into the teen years, but I hope we have a good start for going that way!