Peers Comparison

[DinoMom]

Does your children compare themselves with their peers? Mine does.

I am at my wit's end how to deal with her not getting the answer as fast as her friend.

At one point, she told me that she is not going to volunteer an answer to her teacher's questions, because 'somebody' is always faster. It happens that 'somebody' she refers to is friend who likes to come to our house for playdates but keep fighting with her over her toys, and even her blanket and her cup. Somehow she keeps telling me that she hates her class because of that friend. She even requested to change class.

She has a flair for language and a photographic memory for words that she sees. When I talked to her teacher about her inferiority complex, they were so surprised because they know how amazing she is. They have been teaching her last year. She has been reading independently since 2 yo. She was already an avid reader when she started school. She is almost 5 now. And she reads 3rd to 4th grader books. There is really no reason why she should see herself being incapable academically. I hope I don't sound like bragging because I am more worried than anything else.

Emotionally, she seems so fragile. She lost confidence in herself. She withdrew herself from the crowds whenever that friend is around. She would rather walk around the playground alone.

Pls advise me what I should do.
Thanks!

[JenneinAZ]

This is very familiar. My eight year old is doing it right now. My ten year old is still doing it but getting better.

This is the nasty side of perfectionism. This is the "If I am not the best then I am not smart." side. It is insanely crazy. It doesn't make sense. But sometimes these kids get it in their heads that they are the 'smart' kid and when they meet another kid who is better at something than they are then they loose their identity.

I wish it was an easy thing to deal with, but so far it isn't. Time and maturity has helped but it hasn't worked miracles. I wish I had something more encouraging to say.

Good luck

[DinoMom]

Thanks for sharing this. It comforts me that she is not alone, that now I have a label to her behavior.
It never occurs to me that she is a perfectionism. How interesting!

I wonder whether it has anything to do with how we brought up our children. We tend to praise her. It was typical in some of the parenting books that we should praise our children. Good Job! Great that you've done this! etc etc etc. Now that she discovered that she is not as great in another skills, eg. spelling and writing letters, she freaks out. Instead of feeling motivated to learn, she held back and refused to learn them at all.

I tried talking this out with her. I told her that not everyone is the first always, it is perfectly fine to be seconds or thirds. It is how we see it that matters. If we choose to be happy we can be happy in whatever circumstances. Every day tell yourself that you want to be happy at school.

It is interesting why she compares herself to only one girl and not anyone else in her class. She attends a 3 hours montessori school every day. Montessori is about self-paced learning. The only problem occurs when they are grouped into 6 to attend a daily French lesson which is not conducted in the Montessori way but more like a public school system where the teacher present the topics and the children sit and listen and answer. I know the girl personally and even at our house, she acts in a very provocative way. She might use language that is infuriating like "See how good I am at this!". She is that type who see it fun to get DD into tears through teasing. Sometimes I feel that it is a mental / psychology type of bully, not physical but uses words. I started to reject her mom's request for playdates because I find that it is annoying to have my emotion tested every time. This girl even demanded to use my DD's sippy cup, or grabbed my DS's blankets and pillows and enjoy seeing my 2 yo DS chasing her around the house for them.

Sometimes, I suspect that the problem might not be one-sided. I suspect that DD's perfectionism sentiments has been provoked by this girl. Still, I wish she can be tougher. If only she sees it lightly and not feel so bad about herself. She really needs not indulge herself into misery.

[OhElizabeth]

If your dc is generally congenial and gets along with other dc, but this one particular dc provokes her, then why are you continuing to have her over? BTDT. Ditch the problem. There are enough opportunities to correct the flaws in our dc without intentionally, perpetually putting them in a bad situation.

And btw, you could have done worse. With my dd I often said, "Oh, doesn't have to be perfect..." trying to curb tendencies toward perfectionism. So now she could care less about doing something perfectly. ;)

Can't win.

[DinoMom]

actually we've stopped letting her into our house even though she wants to come for playdates.
but there's still problem at school, like seeing her, meeting her at school.

And birthday parties too, we could not say 'no' to a birthday invitation because this girl is going.

I've stopped pumping up her EQ now. We just got her to change class to avoid the girl or the 'competition', whatever it is.
I know this is not the best way to deal with this.

[OhElizabeth]

Are you bringing her home to homeschool? If you do, then it might be she'd develop a new circle of friends and not be going to those birthday parties and whatnot where it's a problem.

[DinoMom]

Along the road, she would encounter somebody whom she would compete against again and again subconsciously. What worries me is I couldn't be switching class for her every time.

Nope, I am doing afterschool with her on-demand. I homeschool her because school does not meet the challenge and she would request me to do some spelling or maths one day or two a week.

She still goes to school in the morning. I would like her to learn to socialize, for just 3 hrs every day.