Does anyone have an Eyore child.. ???

[Citrusheights5]

I just do not know what to do with this child.. He smiles readily enough, jokester of the family, and wants to please. He has never had a "good day." I could give him ice cream 24 hours a day, and when I turn down the request for a cookie, he has had a bad day. Everyone dislikes him, everyone picks on him, he can't do anything right, its always his stuff that gets ruined..destroyed.. etc.

He can truly draw a dark cloud lining around any situation. How do/would you deal with a child like this.. He is 9, and has been like this for years... I have 4 other children... and while they all hate when mom says no... none are like this child. You would think I took away his birthday...

Lee

[beansprouts]

My ds (just turned 4) is like this. He takes everything so PERSONALLY! While at the store recently I declined to buy him an item he wanted. He hung his head and said "Mommy why don't you like me?" Somehow in his mind "Mommy won't buy me what I want" = "Mommy doesn't like me". We can't just give them everything they want so they won't feel unloved, so what do we do?

[OnTheBrink]

My dd, who just turned 10, is like this. She could have the best day of her life, but if asked about it later, will point out some minute detail that didn't go her way, so the whole experience is made negative. IT. DRIVES. ME. CRAZY!

Sometimes, I'll make her list 5 things about her day that were happy and I remind her of scripture:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

[DKinTX]

YES! My 12yo dd is this way and has been for years. She just tends to look at the negative. I try to get her to focus on her blessings, and sometimes that helps. Other times when she is moping around, I tell her I'm going to make her write a paragraph about all she is thankful for. That usually snaps her out of it for awhile. She's a loner and a homebody...it's just the way she is. I think we can encourage our children to be positive, but not everyone is upbeat and cheerful. I do think as moms we need to point out to our kids when they're feeling sorry for themselves, and remind them of how good they really have it! :)
It occurs to me sometimes that because my daughter tends to be negative, she brings that out in me, so I don't always give her enough positive reinforcement and praise. Sometimes when she's moping, I just give her a big hug and it helps a little. Anyway, I sympathize. And for the record, my daughter is a beautiful person...I wanted to add that since y'all don't know her and this post isn't the most flattering!

[Jodi-FL]

a girl, who is now a delightful (though when she's tired it comes back) almost 16 yo. When she was about 9, she always wore an extra ponytail holder around her wrist, and once when my mother was visiting (former school teacher/principal) she noticed the "Eeyore" tendency. When I shared I really didn't know what to do, other than point out the truth (your life is *not* over because I said no to another cookie...) other than to love her through it, my mom had a different idea. Every time my dd would say something Eeyore-ish, my mom would gently pull back that ponytail holder so it snapped on her wrist. It was never hard enough to make a mark, and after about 2 days of my mom doing it, all I needed to say was, "give your ponytail holder a nudge for me" and she'd get the idea that her thought habit needed to be reversed. It truly was just a bad habit that had developed and after about a month or two, it went away only to return when she's tired or extremely upset and doesn't know how to verbalize it (like recently, when one of her best friends, who happens to be a boy from church, got a girlfriend and didn't tell her first).

[Paz]

My 15 yo dd is like this. She really does enjoy some things in life, just in her own way. She plays softball and her coaches say they can never tell how she is feeling because she is always stone-faced. She is hard working, somewhat of a perfectionist, a great judge of people. She can also tell you everyone's faults, even someone she's just met. When she gets all doom and gloom I encourage her to look at the positive. She knows this is something she needs to work on when she gets overly negative and critical but some aspects of this personality are actually a plus. We had a funny situation this summer. He brother is a total optimist, complete opposite of her. When he was gone for the summer we painted his room with a very light blue color. She was upset when she saw the name of the paint. "It figures," she said, "The paint color is silver lining. Now isn't that appropriate."

[KarenC]

Her glass is ALWAYS half empty, someone else ALWAYS gets the bigger piece of cake, we ALWAYS punish her and never her sisters. We call her Miss Sunshine. She has gotten somewhat better in that she is (occassionaly) able to recognize this behavior in herself. Of course, she doesn't actually change her behavior. We are still hoping.

Karen

[Amy in NH]

That's my 10 yo ds, second child of four. I've often wondered if his birth order has anything to do with it.
He is difficult to live with, to say the least!

[DKinTX]

That's my 10 yo ds, second child of four. I've often wondered if his birth order has anything to do with it.
He is difficult to live with, to say the least!



Hmmm...I find that interesting. My Eeyore is also the second born of my four....anyone else?

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Yep, but she's 15 and doesn't readily succumb to those attitudes anymore. My philosophy has always been that if the child's day has already been "ruined, woe is me," anyway, it won't matter a whole lot if I ruin it further. So whatever I gave the child that was so awful is immediately taken away. Whatever pitiful food that she's being "forced" to eat, oh woe, is taken away with the rest of her food and put in the trash because, dang, I don't want to be responsible for such sorrow. Poor kid, why in the world should she have to suffer so with a cookie instead of ice cream? If the lack of a cookie makes her so so sad, then of course she shouldn't eat cookies OR ice cream, because then not having treats just breaks her heart. I won't be responsible for breaking my own child's heart. So until said child lets me know that "no" will be accepted cheerfully, she's no longer free to ask for treats. Or to be offered them. For at least a week, so we can "practice." Then we'll talk.

Shoes not to your liking? No issue. You are now barefooted. But oops. Can't go into the toy store without shoes, can you? Too bad you get to sit in the car with dad, because I'm still going into the toy store. Oh well.

Poor me? Oh, that's right. You ARE Cinderella. I forgot. Here's the broom. After you sweep the kitchen, I expect it to be scrubbed on hands and knees, just like we make you do EVERY SINGLE DAY. And the vacuuming. Oh, and the sinks need cleaning as well. Here's the list, Cinderella. I truly forgot how terribly persecuted you are. Poor you. Do you LIKE living the Poor Me life? Because if you do, I can hook you up Every Single Day. No? Well, how about just today, since you're so sad anyway.

Same principle of toddlers who scream because they have to take medicine. Their mouth is open anyway, so you might as well squirt it down the gullet.

I pick and choose the times, of course. I'm not really into forbidding them from eating peas just because they whine, though I have been known to take away dinner, because clearly, if you're whining about good things, you are not actually hungry. And if it inconveniences ME for them not to have shoes, I might make sure they have shoes to go into the store that *I* need them to go into. But really, there's not a reason for a basically very fortunate child to be so sad about things. I won't put up with it, and will "allow" the child to go outside or into their room for the duration of their "sadness" so I don't have to watch it.

Edit: Oh, and we count blessings ALL the time. And do the "Wasn't that WONderful?" routine about just about everything, even if the event or action wasn't initially all that great. Everything to promote the Glass is Half Full attitude.

[Heidi in CA]

He is also 9 and sometimes somewhat of a challenge. I have been trying to work with him on his attitude. I really feel that I have been given the opportunity to help him figure out how to change how he thinks about things. If he can figure it out when he is a kid he will be that much happier when he is an adult. I am constantly reminding him of what he can be grateful for. If he feels his brothers pick on him, I remind him of special things that they have done for him. If he gets really down, I ask him to go to his bed and think of 10 things to be grateful for and then come and tell me. I figure that if he hears it enough from me he eventually will have my voice in his head telling him even when I'm not there.

That said, I am also trying to make time for just him. Being 4th of 5 boys can sometimes seem like he can get lost and I want to make sure he doesn't... and I am sure to remind him of all the special times I make for him... more things for his gratitude list!

HTH, Heidi

[Scarlett]

Yep, but she's 15 and doesn't readily succumb to those attitudes anymore. My philosophy has always been that if the child's day has already been "ruined, woe is me," anyway, it won't matter a whole lot if I ruin it further. So whatever I gave the child that was so awful is immediately taken away. Whatever pitiful food that she's being "forced" to eat, oh woe, is taken away with the rest of her food and put in the trash because, dang, I don't want to be responsible for such sorrow. Poor kid, why in the world should she have to suffer so with a cookie instead of ice cream? If the lack of a cookie makes her so so sad, then of course she shouldn't eat cookies OR ice cream, because then not having treats just breaks her heart. I won't be responsible for breaking my own child's heart. So until said child lets me know that "no" will be accepted cheerfully, she's no longer free to ask for treats. Or to be offered them. For at least a week, so we can "practice." Then we'll talk.

Shoes not to your liking? No issue. You are now barefooted. But oops. Can't go into the toy store without shoes, can you? Too bad you get to sit in the car with dad, because I'm still going into the toy store. Oh well.

Poor me? Oh, that's right. You ARE Cinderella. I forgot. Here's the broom. After you sweep the kitchen, I expect it to be scrubbed on hands and knees, just like we make you do EVERY SINGLE DAY. And the vacuuming. Oh, and the sinks need cleaning as well. Here's the list, Cinderella. I truly forgot how terribly persecuted you are. Poor you. Do you LIKE living the Poor Me life? Because if you do, I can hook you up Every Single Day. No? Well, how about just today, since you're so sad anyway.

Same principle of toddlers who scream because they have to take medicine. Their mouth is open anyway, so you might as well squirt it down the gullet.

I pick and choose the times, of course. I'm not really into forbidding them from eating peas just because they whine, though I have been known to take away dinner, because clearly, if you're whining about good things, you are not actually hungry. And if it inconveniences ME for them not to have shoes, I might make sure they have shoes to go into the store that *I* need them to go into. But really, there's not a reason for a basically very fortunate child to be so sad about things. I won't put up with it, and will "allow" the child to go outside or into their room for the duration of their "sadness" so I don't have to watch it.

I so wish I could be like you in this area. :) I don't know how you manage it without anger though.

[siloam]

Hmmm...I find that interesting. My Eeyore is also the second born of my four....anyone else?

Yep, my Eeyore is my 2nd born as well. We can go someplace, she will be all smiles the whole time, then when we leave I will ask if she had fun and she will answer, "Not so much, I tripped and fell once." :rolleyes:

On the good side, she is also very empathetic.

Heather

[Amy in MD]

Best thing for me to do is not to get emotional back. I really enjoy the Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attititudes in You and Your Kids. They give a lot of good pointers. A lot of libraries carry the book.

One thing I use from the book frequently is to label the attitude they are showing... Son, that is complaining. Sometimes, they don't know how it's coming out. Kind of like food manners.


Amy

[Jean in Wisc]

I use to have my son rehearse the type of answer I wanted.

"Oh, dear. That sounds gloomy. What might we say instead of that? Maybe, instead of saying, 'You got the largest piece,' you could say, 'Thank you, mom! This cake tastes great!' Or you could say, 'You take the bigger piece!' What do you think?"

Then I'd ask him to turn around and come back in and try choosing to say something different.

This was not necessarily done with joy. Sometimes I had to let him spend some time in his room until he was ready to cooperate. It did change the behavior.

FWIW.

[Citrusheights5]

That's my 10 yo ds, second child of four. I've often wondered if his birth order has anything to do with it.
He is difficult to live with, to say the least!

Mine also "was" second of four... I just had DD number 5 3 weeks ago.. no wait.. he is almost a month old.. yikes.. Ii find it amazing that quite a few have this "slot".

[Stirsmommy]

DS 18 is taking a class at the cc where they had to take a personality quiz. It was on line so he was able to show me his type. Man it was freakily like him. But the kicker was they listed famous real and fictional characters that his personality is like. One of them actually was Eeyore! He is generally closed emotionally not prone to outburst at all. So I guess he really is an Eeyore.

[Citrusheights5]

Yep, but she's 15 and doesn't readily succumb to those attitudes anymore. My philosophy has always been that if the child's day has already been "ruined, woe is me," anyway, it won't matter a whole lot if I ruin it further. So whatever I gave the child that was so awful is immediately taken away.
.

I do believe in this too!!1 I actually do this quite frequently with all my children.. Right down to the two year old.. It really is a great tool... Doesn't work with this particular child...

Lee

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I so wish I could be like you in this area. :) I don't know how you manage it without anger though.

I don't, always. And I have to try to be honest about the anger, though it's Really Really Hard for me to be. "I'm really angry and disappointed that I tried to give you a good time or treat, and you can't find it in yourself to be happy about the good parts. I feel like if I gave you a yummy pork chop, you'd complain about the bone. Do you want to grow up like a snarly, sour woman whose kids don't even want to visit her because nothing they ever do makes her happy? Well, don't act like this, because THIS is what she sounded like when she was nine."

Or something like that. And yeah, sometimes it turns into a lecture which they will do ANYthing in the future to avoid. LOL Including not complaining so much.

[Laura Corin]

We all have an interior voice that we listen to all day. His is probably telling him constantly that things are not going well.

Calvin tends to be like this and I've found that talking to him about what his inner voice is telling him helps a little. He has started to realise that the inner voice is under his control - when it is telling him that everything is dreadful it is possible to stop it dead and start considering the positive. This is not easy or quick, but it is starting to help.

Calvin also tends to imagine the worst possible outcomes for events. I call this 'catastrophising' and try to take him through other possible outcomes to broaden his outlook.

Best wishes

Laura

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I do believe in this too!!1 I actually do this quite frequently with all my children.. Right down to the two year old.. It really is a great tool... Doesn't work with this particular child...

Lee

You know, Lee, I wonder if you could role play and talk through this without him knowing what you're up to.

"Doggone it, I stubbed my toe! Now my whole DAY is ruined! Wait. No, it isn't. I think the next two minutes might be ruined, because this HURTS! But I'll bet things will get better." Then ten minutes later, exclaim joyfully, "You know, I was very upset when I stubbed my toe. It really hurt. But I'm not going to let it ruin MY day! Let's make cookies!"

Just engage him in the small steps of self-talk that one does automatically but that he does not do yet that will show him that yeah, EVERYbody gets disappointed. And that stinks. But everybody also has a choice as to whether or not to have the bad parts stink up the whole room. Show him how the mental gymnastics required to get from disappointed back to equilibrium.

[WendyK]

I just wanted to say I was an Eeyore child. I complained about everything. I sounded way worse than I felt. I guess I just liked to complain. I remember my parents calling me "the complainer". My husband was the same way (according to his mother). As we got older we turned our complaining into more constructive comments. I think for me I was and still am a deep thinker. Thoughts often just came out as complaints. I wasn't really unhappy though, I was sort of thinking out loud. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I did not turn into an Eeyore adult (neither did my husband). And even more odd, my husband and I have been married for close to 8 years and have never had a serious fight or argument. So we can't be all that negative! So there is still hope! :D

[Citrusheights5]

You know, Lee, I wonder if you could role play and talk through this without him knowing what you're up to.

"Doggone it, I stubbed my toe! Now my whole DAY is ruined! Wait. No, it isn't. I think the next two minutes might be ruined, because this HURTS! But I'll bet things will get better." Then ten minutes later, exclaim joyfully, "You know, I was very upset when I stubbed my toe. It really hurt. But I'm not going to let it ruin MY day! Let's make cookies!"

Just engage him in the small steps of self-talk that one does automatically but that he does not do yet that will show him that yeah, EVERYbody gets disappointed. And that stinks. But everybody also has a choice as to whether or not to have the bad parts stink up the whole room. Show him how the mental gymnastics required to get from disappointed back to equilibrium.


You know this may actually work!!!! I am so excited to have something new to try with him. It really gets old to hear the same complaints.. and yet he is the sweetest little guy in the world.. He has a very negative inner voice.. I never though of changing it in the way you have explained.. Thank you...

Lee

[melissaL]

Hmmm...I find that interesting. My Eeyore is also the second born of my four....anyone else?


my Eeyore is number 3.

MelissaL

[gardenschooler]

Yep, but she's 15 and doesn't readily succumb to those attitudes anymore. My philosophy has always been that if the child's day has already been "ruined, woe is me," anyway, it won't matter a whole lot if I ruin it further. So whatever I gave the child that was so awful is immediately taken away. Whatever pitiful food that she's being "forced" to eat, oh woe, is taken away with the rest of her food and put in the trash because, dang, I don't want to be responsible for such sorrow. Poor kid, why in the world should she have to suffer so with a cookie instead of ice cream? If the lack of a cookie makes her so so sad, then of course she shouldn't eat cookies OR ice cream, because then not having treats just breaks her heart. I won't be responsible for breaking my own child's heart. So until said child lets me know that "no" will be accepted cheerfully, she's no longer free to ask for treats. Or to be offered them. For at least a week, so we can "practice." Then we'll talk.

Shoes not to your liking? No issue. You are now barefooted. But oops. Can't go into the toy store without shoes, can you? Too bad you get to sit in the car with dad, because I'm still going into the toy store. Oh well.

Poor me? Oh, that's right. You ARE Cinderella. I forgot. Here's the broom. After you sweep the kitchen, I expect it to be scrubbed on hands and knees, just like we make you do EVERY SINGLE DAY. And the vacuuming. Oh, and the sinks need cleaning as well. Here's the list, Cinderella. I truly forgot how terribly persecuted you are. Poor you. Do you LIKE living the Poor Me life? Because if you do, I can hook you up Every Single Day. No? Well, how about just today, since you're so sad anyway.

Same principle of toddlers who scream because they have to take medicine. Their mouth is open anyway, so you might as well squirt it down the gullet.

I pick and choose the times, of course. I'm not really into forbidding them from eating peas just because they whine, though I have been known to take away dinner, because clearly, if you're whining about good things, you are not actually hungry. And if it inconveniences ME for them not to have shoes, I might make sure they have shoes to go into the store that *I* need them to go into. But really, there's not a reason for a basically very fortunate child to be so sad about things. I won't put up with it, and will "allow" the child to go outside or into their room for the duration of their "sadness" so I don't have to watch it.

Edit: Oh, and we count blessings ALL the time. And do the "Wasn't that WONderful?" routine about just about everything, even if the event or action wasn't initially all that great. Everything to promote the Glass is Half Full attitude.

Can I just pack up my dd9 and send her to you for a few weeks? I'm thinking that would straighten her right out!

Thanks for this! It's priceless.

Edited to add: My Eeyore is the youngest of 3. I'm pretty sure I didn't put up with it *for one second* with the other two, so they didn't have the option. I have been way too lax on this one, and it shows. (Again - thanks for the reminder of how to be a HA Mom, Pam!)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Edited to add: My Eeyore is the youngest of 3. I'm pretty sure I didn't put up with it *for one second* with the other two, so they didn't have the option. I have been way too lax on this one, and it shows.

I swore I'd never have more kids than I had energy to rear them properly, but dang if the third one isn't sucking the life right out of me. I worry constantly about rearing a brat. It haunts my dreams, I tell ya.

[beansprouts]

Hmmm...I find that interesting. My Eeyore is also the second born of my four....anyone else?

Middle child (#2)

interesting...

[beansprouts]

My philosophy has always been that if the child's day has already been "ruined, woe is me," anyway, it won't matter a whole lot if I ruin it further...

I can certainly understand the temptation to behave this way - I have done it more than once. I just don't find that antagonizing him works very well. I could teach him to shut up and keep his negative feelings to himself, but that won't help him to be a happier person.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I can certainly understand the temptation to behave this way - I have done it more than once. I just don't find that antagonizing him works very well. I could teach him to shut up and keep his negative feelings to himself, but that won't help him to be a happier person.

Yeah, but I don't do it to needle. I do it to 1) let them know that they've pushed it Just Too Far and that the wild look in my eye is for real and 2) that they need to count their blessings instead of their sorrows. I set it up to show the contrast. They are always welcome to let me know their negative feelings on just about any subject or activity.

On the back of my dorm room long ago and far away, the top line read: "Constructive comments and criticism are welcome. Griping will not be tolerated!" I've pretty much adopted that.

[Anne in Saskatchewan]

I find that if we have had to many "treats" around here - too many desserts, too much screen time etc. - it leads to whining about which desserts, which movies, which treat next. So I cut waaaay back, and we get back to very basic living for a while.

Anne

[beansprouts]

I find that if we have had to many "treats" around here - too many desserts, too much screen time etc. - it leads to whining about which desserts, which movies, which treat next. So I cut waaaay back, and we get back to very basic living for a while.


I see what you mean, and I have done the same thing. It was just the tone that seemed harsh to me. My husband was treated very harshly a young "Eeyore" child. His parents were of the "I'll give you something to cry about" mentality. All that accomplished was to push him further inside himself and justify his feelings of being unloved. Now I do not think this is the same kind of treatment being promoted here, I just was a bit unsure the first time I read Pam's post...

I like to say my ds1 has the melencholy temperment of an artist or poet - I need to see the bright side, kwim?

[CleoQc]

My eeyore child is my first born. And boy does it ever get on my nerves! He's 10, and I'm not seeing the end of that tunnel either.

[mom2abcd]

Hmmm...I find that interesting. My Eeyore is also the second born of my four....anyone else?

We have that here, too. Dh is second of five and isn't, but his brother, #3 of 5 is. Maybe some sort of middle child syndrome?

[Rosie_0801]

It's a request for validation. You'll probably find if you agree that whatever it was is really dreadful, your Eeyore will perk up and decide it wasn't so bad. "Yeah, I hate it when that happens" is a magic phrase for Eeyores.
:)
Rosie- a bit of an Eeyore herself.

[Donnado]

I have a Eeyore dh! He even wears a sweatshirt that he puts on frequently.

[Gailmegan]

When I chose "Rabbit" to refer to my older son in my siggy I contemplated Eeyore instead. I went with Rabbit b/c he is definitely the first child who has to be in charge. But he has his Eeyore traits too. Like many of you have described we will have the best day and I have to drag him home, then when I ask him to tell dh about the day all he will say is that it was terrible or he hated it b/c I made him come home. I do try to help him remember the postive things, and some days it works better than others, but TBH his temerament is just like his father's such that he always sees the glass as half emtpy. I must also admit as did a PP - he is also extremely sensitive and empathetic.

[Sasharowan]

My first born is an "Eeyore". He will always find the small thing that went wrong in an otherwise gorgeous day and declare the day ruined. He says the world is out to get him. He's 12, BTW. I will usually send him to his room to complain without dragging the rest of the house down or get really exaggerated in coming up with ways to ensure the day gets worse. For ex.: complains of getting small drop of drink on his pants, Oh no, the soda is actually an alien acid that will eat your pants off and into your skin and then the nanobot sized aliens will enter your bloodstream and take over your brain... it gets really silly from there, but he's usually laughing by then. Then when dad gets home and asks how the day was, my ds replies, horrible. LOL, no winning,