Protecting our child's reputation.

[Whisperlily]

Forgive me if I ramble a bit, I've tried to post this several times, but I don't seem to be able to articulate my question very well.

What people think of us as adults is based on what they know, or have heard about us. When people share personal details, the perception that others have about them changes. I tend to be very careful what I share about myself with others. What we share in Bible Study, Women's groups, in confidence with our best friends doesn't go away. If I shared that my husband was struggling with __________ right now, *that's* what would stick in their minds when they saw him. Long after he had found success in that area, it would still be in their minds.

I've noticed that many mothers share personal details about their children, and their child's struggles much more freely than they do their own, or their husband's. But aren't we supposed to be helping them, setting them up for success? Long after "Timmy" conquers his problem with aggression toward his sibling and matures, the people in his life that we've shared with will remember it. Ten years later, your friend says to her daughter, "Jane, why don't you stay away from Timmy. I've heard he can be aggressive, or easily provoked."

Sometimes it's helpful to get advice from other mothers who've been there, and I've found that seeking advice from mothers with older children who have come out the other side is a good option. One reason I like this board is that we can be more honest about what is going on with our children, and get good advice, without exposing them to the people in their lives.

One problem I have, however is wondering how to deal with situations that might require a "clue in" to those who are working with my child. In my son's case, he has ADHD and is currently being treated with medication. I have told my Mom about it, but other than DH we haven't shared this with the other people in his life. (Currently he's in PS, and I didn't tell his teachers until they'd had a chance to get to know him, because I didn't want any preconceived ideas to taint their view of him. But it was necessary to let them know within a reasonable amout of time because he doesn't function the same way as others.)

I've always been surrounded by people who believe that ADHD does not exist, or that it should not require medical intervention. In fact, I was one of them. I've heard the way people talk about ADHD kids. I've heard the what they say when they think the parents aren't listening. I've heard the way the knowledge that the child is receiving treatment affects the way they view the child. Even when the child may be doing wonderfully.

This post isn't just about ADHD, it could be any particular struggle or phase your child is going through. I have other children who deal with different, more typically "normal" issues that I feel the same way about. How do you balance your need for support with the damage it might do to the foundation of your child's reputation that will follow him for years, or a lifetime?

[Dana in OR]

It just wouldn't occur to me to worry about it. That being said, you are under no obligation to share personal details about your kids or anyone if you choose not to.

[SheilaZ]

I tell people that my sons have Asperger's Syndrome. the reason is two-fold. First I see it as an education for the "normal" people.
I view it is as my way of getting rid of some of the stigmatism of Autism/Asperger's. If people see that my boys are playing with "normal" kids, then it affects how they come to view other children with Autism.

Secondly, and more importantly, I do it to make things easier for my sons. I always let co-op techers or coaches know about my children's issues. If they are having trouble dealing with my kids' problems....I will talk to them about the strategies that work at home or that have worked for other coaches and teachers.
I try to be advocates for them in every situation. I hope that by watching me, they can later become advocates for themselves.

However, my issue is different in that my boys will never "get over" their Autism. They will always be autistic.

Now as to what people think about my kids and their abilities......I don't care. As long as my kids are treated fairly, equally, and enjoy being in the situation....what they adults think or say means very little to me. They can say what they want to in private.

Or course, if they treat my children poorly or bad mouth my sons....I'm free to form my own opinion about them also. ;)

[Tutor]

Depending on the ages of my children, I will either let them know that I sought advice or ask their permission to share information about them in order to help them better as their parent. It depends on the situation and the severity/ urgency of the issue being discussed. That said, I am generally very selective about who I share very personal and potentially embarrassing or hurtful information with... about me, my dh, or my children.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I tend to be fairly free with my info. But then again, I stay away from judgmental people and those that don't understand that children are a work in progress.

As a teacher I would want to know because I don't have much experience dealing with children with disabilities and would prefer to have parental insight. (I am not a teacher, btw; although I have taught SS.)

If someone is going to hold on to an xyz judgment because of what a child did/said/etc...at an early age...then I probably will not respect their opinion very much.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

[QUOTE=SheilaZ;66829]I tell people that my sons have Asperger's Syndrome. the reason is two-fold. First I see it as an education for the "normal" people.
I view it is as my way of getting rid of some of the stigmatism of Autism/Asperger's. If people see that my boys are playing with "normal" kids, then it affects how they come to view other children with Autism.

Secondly, and more importantly, I do it to make things easier for my sons. I always let co-op techers or coaches know about my children's issues. If they are having trouble dealing with my kids' problems....I will talk to them about the strategies that work at home or that have worked for other coaches and teachers.
I try to be advocates for them in every situation. I hope that by watching me, they can later become advocates for themselves.QUOTE]

As a scout leader, I find it incredibly helpful to know more about the boys I work with. I have one who is diabetic. That has prompted me to ask my diabetic friends what things I should look out for so that I can be supportive of him (not having carb heavy or sugar laden snackes without other appropriate alternatives). I've learned that a few of my scouts don't read well or don't read English well. That is helpful so that I don't hand them something to read and embarass them or put them on the spot in front of the other kids.

I have a couple other boys who probably have LD or ADHD issues. I wish that I knew more about what the parents were working on with these kids. I feel like I'm often in a situation where I am getting frustrated with the child and that there is a missing link of information that would help me help them. I don't necessarily want a "diagnosis" on these kids. But to know that one has trouble sitting or listens better when he's moving around would be helpful.

I would also like to think that maybe some of the insights from my experiences with them in scouts might be useful to their families in other venues like home and school.

[strider]

There are situations where a little knowledge can go a long way towards helping people--like letting a teacher know about something like Asperger's.

However, other than that I totally agree. It's best not to share our children's struggles with the world at large. I do talk to my most trusted friends but even then I feel it's VERY important to cast the situation in the most positive light possible. I also try to only tell the difficulties when I am looking for specific advice, rather than griping in general.

One example--I have a friend who has adopted through DCFS and is ADAMANT that the public NOT be told the circumstances around her children's births. She is right to be adamant. The tear-jerking miracle story about rescuing an abandoned baby from a trash dumpster is NOT the lens through which that baby wants to be viewed when she is 16yo. That is HER story to tell, IF she chooses.

[lovemyboys]

[QUOTE=Whisperlily;66791]I tend to be very careful what I share about myself with others. What we share in Bible Study, Women's groups, in confidence with our best friends doesn't go away. If I shared that my husband was struggling with __________ right now, *that's* what would stick in their minds when they saw him. Long after he had found success in that area, it would still be in their minds.

I've noticed that many mothers share personal details about their children, and their child's struggles much more freely than they do their own, or their husband's. But aren't we supposed to be helping them, setting them up for success? [QUOTE]

My nieces and nephews are teens and older now, so I get to see how their parents have handled things along the way. For most issues and problems that have come up, things have been handled very quietly. And I respect all their parents for that -- it's let these kids grow up in the family without lots of labels or baggage, that like you say, they've "found success" with and moved on. Or one bad choice doesn't mark them forever.

In contrast, a couple of the moms in our local group share waaay too much information about their dc. Part of it is so that other moms can help their own dc relate to these kids where it might be a behavioral thing, which is good. I totally applaud that.

What gives me pause is when information that we don't need, like bathroom accidents, are shared as part of general conversation. It just seems unfair to the dc to have all their personal laundry laid out before the group and whatever other kids happen to be within earshot. Sometimes I wonder if it's more of a "look how much I've got to deal with" sort of situation, than an appeal for advice.

I'm in one group that has a few dozen families that see each other and several more dozen who are just online. I'm amazed by what some folks will share within that setting and not take to private email, but I learned my lesson. The one time I gently mentioned that family schedules, phone numbers and personal dc details might be better private, the woman reacted like I was way out of line. Her response was to try to embarrass me with the group.

So, I don't know. Maybe for some folks, life really is the Jerry Springer show and there's nothing they wouldn't share. But I do wonder when private information about the dc isn't treated the same way as for the adults. By the time these dc are 8 or 10, it seems to be worth respecting their privacy a bit.

I've been rambling too, but I think your instincts are good. It's worth protecting dc's privacy, imho, because I see how that's all worked out in my own family.

[LisaTheresa]

My son has lds and I really question what I should share with others about his issues. The main reason I usually wind up sharing information is to help other moms who are going through problems with their children. I have been fortunate enough to be able to help my son through many therapies as well as dietary intervention and when I hear of someone else going through what we have gone through, my first instinct is to try to help them. Up until recently, I didn't really question this.

Not long ago, I had an experience where a mom I've known through coop and other activities let me know her child had some struggles. At her request, I had her over to my home and showed her how to implement a therapy program with her son. Afterward, she was not sure she wanted to pursue therapy and kind of retracted what she had said about her son. This made me feel that I had made my own son very vulnerable by sharing some of his history with her.

I live in a fairly small town and while a lot of people homeschool here, I run into the same people again and again. I have vowed to do a better job to protect my son, but I have such a hard time not reaching out when I see someone else struggling. A part of me thinks that there is nothing to hide or be ashamed of, especially since there are so many children with issues these days. On the other hand, I think about the things the original poster brought up -- that I should really be protecting my son and helping others to view him in the most positive light possible.

Lisa

[kdeno]

but I have learned to be a bit more cautious. I am VERY open with my spiritual struggles and my children's. Unfortunately, I think I did ruin a friendship for him by telling a mom a concern I had. I had no reason to tell her. I hope to use more caution in the future.

Kari

[mcconnellboys]

I think you have to be careful, depending upon where you live, as you've said.

When we were in a private school in Baton Rouge, I didn't feel in the least stygmatized at my older son's ADHD diagnosis and taking of medication. About half the kids in his school (or more) were in the same place. Parents seemed to look at it as some sort of badge of higher IQ. All the ADHD kids were from highly successful parents, etc., LOL.... I spoke with some folks who lived in the Atlanta area at that time and was told it was the same way there.

But when we moved to Lexington, it was a whole 'nother ballgame. I was told that ADHD kids would not be selected for inclusion in gifted and talented programming in the public schools as teachers wanted to insure that the kids in those programs could perform well at all times.

Questionaires for every camp and program we did included questions about regular medications the child was taking and I quickly found that when I included this info, my son was perceived as "trouble" even before he entered the program. There was trouble from day one. So I stopped. I stopped providing folks with the info - and lo and behold! there were no more problems. My son and his behaviour were still exactly the same, by the way.....

Now, after being home for several years with pretty intense analysis and redirection from me, he began to be able to better control any erratic behaviours he'd had in past. His biggest problem was always saying inappropriate things as opposed to just over-activity.

He was actually first diagnosed with ADD but then the same doctors changed that to ADHD, in spite of the fact that they originally agreed that he did not exhibit the over-activity levels typical of ADHD.... So I think there's a lot of room for error in diagnosis - maybe it's gotten better over the years....

By about the time my son was middle school age, he began to feel that the medication (Ritalin) caused him to feel a lot of anger inside. Different dosing/administration did not help with this. He wanted to stop taking it and so I let him. He has been fine without it. He has taken Omega 3 fatty acids periodically over time, as well as a good multi-vitamin.

I was worried about his organizational abilities when he re-entered private high school this year, but he's been very careful to keep himself organized (using principals we worked on at home when he was here), and he also has done okay with being able to concentrate in spite of noise levels and other distractions. He says he tends to sit right in the front of the class, in front of the teacher, so I'm sure that this has helped him tremendously. I'm glad he was able to figure out these things for himself. I really didn't have to intervene at all, even though I had talked to him about such things in past. I guess he remembered (which surprises me, because he does seem to have memory problems).

Once he stopped taking medication in middle school, I stopped telling any people, in general, that he has ADHD. I don't put it on any forms, either. It's still in the records of his doctor, of course, but he never even asks us about it when we go for check-ups (he tends toward a hands-off aproach, anyway, LOL).

It sounds as if you live in a place that is rather like mine. So, for your son, while he's young and needs meds, I'd tell only those who I feel really need to know. If he stays in school, I believe that info will get entered on his record and follow him. There will be those who will make false assumptions; I'm not sure what you can do about that except advocate for him. As he matures and is, hopefully, able to control his own symptoms better, then you may be able to tell even fewer people about this. And perhaps he will be able to get by without meds at some point, as well.

Diet and healthful supplements may help him. Regular schedules and regular feedback from you may also help him to form routines that will serve him well as he gets older. It is more difficult for folks with ADHD to form routines, so this really does take a lot of constant work over the course of many years - hope you won't be discouraged.

Good luck to you!

Regena

[Audrey]

I think I understand what you mean. I live in a very, very tiny town (of less than 500 people). One little slip of the tongue, one little misstep and you can be sure it will never be forgotten nor forgiven. I find many people to be extremely pompous and judgemental -- unless, of course, it comes to their own children. :rolleyes: Luckily for my son, he is not so much in the public eye since he is not at school. I do not discuss his problems, challenges and unique needs with other parents. I don't want to go giving them grist for the rumour mill. :mad:

On the other end, there are parents who out and out lie about their children to "cover up" for them. I know one mom who has a boy with autism. It is clear that he is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, yet she tells everyone he is simply dyslexic, as if that were to explain away his uniqueness. It makes me incredibly sad that she cannot accept her own marvelously loving, happy child for who he is. :(