Why does *everyone* have an opinion about my son?

[Pajama Mama]

Sigh-My oldest son is 10. He has ADHD/Asperger's Syndrome. We have all noticed that his behavior is worsening. He's becoming very argumentative and disrespectful. He's also becoming depressed. Dh & I have taken him to different doctors including a neurologist, we're working on getting him wraparound services(it takes forever), he goes to speech therapy each week and he's involved in a research study. Nothing is helping. His behaviors are getting really bad. It didn't help that I was sick for a few months. My thyroid was really low and I had no patience for him. His behaviors started before I was sick but my bad attitude did not help matters.

So, we went to Florida last week. We went through Make A Wish. It was a tremendous experience for us. But the most difficult part of the trip was ds. I could write pages about how he acted. To save time, let's just say that he was his own worst enemy. He would argue about things that he *wanted* to do.

My mom & stepdad went with us. It was nice having grandparents to help out especially with one child in a wheelchair. However, my stepdad(whom I love dearly) kept telling us how we "needed to do something about ***" He took dh aside and asked him if we considered committing ds to a hospital. Yes, ds is very difficult but we hadn't considered committing him.

We come home and my dad(not step dad) keeps telling us that we "need to do something about ***" He knows what we've been doing for ds but "doctors aren't always the answer" I ask "Do you have a suggestion?" He just looks at me with a blank stare.

My MIL comes over to visit after our trip. That was fine when we weren't doing schoolwork but... I won't ever discuss that she keeps coming over during school time this week. So, today my other ds is sick. He's my special needs child so I need to attend to him. He has a high fever and he's coughing. This kid can get pneumonia so easily so I'm giving him lots of breathing treatments and chest pt. As I'm trying to care for my sick ds(with 102.5 fever), MIL is asking what we're doing about my other ds. She was talking to *her* therapist about ds. This happens alot. It annoys me that this therapist who has never seen my child is giving her advice about him. *Her* therapist suggested _______(did that last yr) and ________(did that 6 months ago). Well, maybe MIL can take *my* son to this therapist and she can prescribe something for him. 1.She's not an actual doctor 2. She doesn't specialize in children 3. She doesn't specialize in persons with Asperger's, Autism, etc 4.This therapist's main suggestions are about meds only 5. I've never met her before but I already dislike this therapist because she keeps giving my MIL advice without meeting my child.

I know all of these people are my ds's grandparents and they love him but they make dh and I feel like we aren't trying to help him. We've tried sensory integration therapy, gluten/casein/soy free diet, family based services(sort of like wraparound), numerous meds and doctors. I've bought so many books, DVDs and programs to use with him. We're going through the process for new docs and new therapies but these take time. How do I get these well meaning people to back off without hurting their feelings?

I would love to hear any suggesstions, thoughts or prayers. Thanks for reading this long rambling mess

[Kristafish]

I don't have any advice but it sounds like you really need a hug :D

[j.griff]

Hugs are all I have to offer too, ((((()))))

[Audrey]

My thought is about you. I know it's incredibly difficult to take a step back for a different perspective when you're knee deep in the reality of a situation. These other people shoving their opinions under your nose obviously aren't helping you. You're being a great advocate for your son. It's too bad they can't see that. I'm concerned that you may need some time for you, too. I'm thinking that if you can get respite care, that might help you to have the time to focus on your next moves.

[Whisperlily]

Wow, (((Pajama Mama))) it sounds like you're really in a tough spot.

Is your DS their oldest grandchild? I have a son who has ADHD and a few other things. I don't know why it is that well-meaning relatives feel the need to offer advice. I stopped talking about the individual things we were doing, and stopped sharing the details of what we were doing with his treatment/intervention. I found that the less "involved" they felt with his medical care and/or behavioral plan, the less inclined they were to offer advice.

That said, your son is also a 10 year old boy. I know there have been a lot of posts here about pre-teen girls, but boys go through it too. It could very well be pre-adolescent mood swings and the normal hormone shifts are causing double-trouble in your son who (I am assuming) already struggles to express himself appropriately. He's got that normal developing need for independence, but he may not be ready/able to handle it like other boys his age. Well, I don't know that other 10 year old boys handle it well either. ;) Maybe letting them know that TIME will help, not a confusing/disrupting change of approach.

I certainly feel your pain. It really helped that we just moved 2000 miles from anyone who might try to criticize the way we're handling things.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've given my parents a version of "I'm taking it under advisement". I will say something like, "I really appreciate your concern for us and _______, I know that you really care for him. We'll will continue to think and pray about this." I repeat this every time I talk to them if necessary!

[Friederike in Persia]

but it looks to me like you're already doing exceptionally well with both of your kids!!!

[Volty]

Wow, you've got your hands full one with ADHD/Aspergers and another with special needs, and everybody giving unsolicited advice ... hugs.

[Pajama Mama]

Thanks for the support and hugs-It's difficult because I know these folks mean well. But dh and I are stressed out enough. These well meaning people are just adding to it. When my MIL was going on about taking *my* son to *her* therapist I just about lost it. I kept my cool and explained that she(the therapist) isn't trained to work with kids and we are taking him to a new doctor. She kept talking and I was a little snippy saying something like "I'm trying to keep this child(my other son) from developing pnuemonia and winding up in the hospital. I don't have time to discuss this right now." She got the hint...at least momentarily. Is there a pass the bean dip response that will work under these circumstances? I haven't found it yet.

Thank you all again for the kind words and suggestions.

Nancy

[Unicorn]

I am not about to offer you advice, even if I had some, because I think you have heard enough already. I will offer you lots of (((((( Pjmama))))), thoughts, prayers, and virtual chocolate. :)

Well, maybe one piece of advice- listen to Audrey, and make some time for yourself, and then go love on that boy, 10yo boys need that, but won't admit it.

[sdWTMer]

I can't help but think if it's just due to hormones and the worse part will go away in a year or two.

So sorry that you and your family are going through this.

[Wendi]

I know how you feel. My ds11 has a language disorder, sensory integration dysfunction, motor planning problems, possible ADHD, and now OCD. And he's gifted.

We have been getting unsolicited advice and comments since he was little. The most recent was his soccer coach. Ds was having problems with kicking too high and out of control, which obviously is dangerous to players nearby. Dh (who was also the assistant coach) was working with ds on this, and ds was really trying. The coach really got onto him at practice about it. Finally, after benching ds during practice, the coach commented to my dh that we should spank our ds. Excuse me? Spank an 11yo for having trouble in soccer?

We haven't been back to soccer, and ds feels like a failure. I realize he can't be allowed to put other players at risk, but even though the coach was aware that ds has special needs, his whole approach was punitive. It was so discouraging.

Family members don't always understand, either. I don't really share with my mom much about ds, since she always downplays his issues, or implies he'd be better off in public school. (His neuropsychologist disagrees.)

Hang in there. Having a kid with these kinds of issues is so hard, isn't it?

Wendi

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Wow, (((Pajama Mama))) it sounds like you're really in a tough spot.

Is your DS their oldest grandchild? I have a son who has ADHD and a few other things. I don't know why it is that well-meaning relatives feel the need to offer advice. I stopped talking about the individual things we were doing, and stopped sharing the details of what we were doing with his treatment/intervention. I found that the less "involved" they felt with his medical care and/or behavioral plan, the less inclined they were to offer advice.

ITA!! The less you tell them, the less they will feel they need to advise you. You are his mother, your mother and her therapist should butt out.

That said, your son is also a 10 year old boy. I know there have been a lot of posts here about pre-teen girls, but boys go through it too. It could very well be pre-adolescent mood swings and the normal hormone shifts are causing double-trouble in your son who (I am assuming) already struggles to express himself appropriately. He's got that normal developing need for independence, but he may not be ready/able to handle it like other boys his age. Well, I don't know that other 10 year old boys handle it well either. ;) Maybe letting them know that TIME will help, not a confusing/disrupting change of approach.

Yes, the OP's child sounds a lot like my non-Aspie, non-AHDA, 11 year old son(your trip to Disney sounds like what mine would be like). My mother keeps telling me he will outgrow it. I keep praying.

I certainly feel your pain. It really helped that we just moved 2000 miles from anyone who might try to criticize the way we're handling things.

Gosh, that would be nice!

[kalanamak]

She was talking to *her* therapist about ds. This happens alot. It annoys me that this therapist who has never seen my child is giving her advice about him. *Her* therapist suggested _______(did that last yr) and ________(did that 6 months ago). Well, maybe MIL can take *my* son to this therapist and she can prescribe something for him. 1.She's not an actual doctor 2. She doesn't specialize in children 3. She doesn't specialize in persons with Asperger's, Autism, etc 4.This therapist's main suggestions are about meds only 5. I've never met her before but I already dislike this therapist because she keeps giving my MIL advice without meeting my child.



I'm so sorry. It is bad enough having to deal with your family without the extra family troubling you. Please try and talk to them as unemotionally as possible...explain that you do all you can, and that their suggestions are wearing you down. E.g. with the child with a fever, point out that you have a vulnerable child with a fever and that simply comes first. It sounds like they are genuinely concerned but are letting their worry make them unhelpful. You "defended" yourself to us quite well, what would happen if you told the FIL about all the things you have tried (yes, we did _____ last year, and it didn't help. It was worth a try.) What would happen if you told your MIL that this therapist hasn't met your child and you're working with those who have. I guess I mean, could you possibly, calmly, stick up for yourself a bit? Perhaps not in the heat of the moment, but a good quiet time soon thereafter.
(Regarding the therapist....many a patient has "projected" their thoughts and credited the therapist, doctor, social worker etc with words and ideas they'd never dream of saying. E.g. the irate sister who told me, and I quote, "she said my sister should be DNR because she didn't have any insurance"....no hospital SW would have said that, the patient was the ward of the state and it was all being paid for, and three, this sister had a chip on her shoulder the size of Rhode Island. Another example was a not-very-bright dad who told me his son (who was very delayed, and is still mostly grunting and pointing at 7) had a speech therapist who told him "your son is a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-Tard" (that is just how the man said it). Do I think the therapist said that? No.)
Could you sit the two pairs down (not together, I'd think) and just lay the cards on the table? What you've done, what your plans are. If you think this is unwise (will anger or whip them up) or you just can't face it, what else can you do? Are you asking for lots of help from them, making them think you are overwhelmed, e.g.

I am not trying to be judgmental, nor asking for justifications or defenses of anything you've said. I've just tried to brainstorm a little on some things to consider. I work with a lot of social workers and care for people whose mental illness has resulted in court commitments and locked wards, and I see the struggles of the few families we have who are involved. When things are very bad, the best families seem to trim back to taking care of business and let the "storm and wind" relatives blow and rain elsewhere. That said, I do think it is a worth a try at talking to them. And really listen if they seem capable of being calm and rational back.

[Danestress]

I honestly don't think you should pass the bean dip. These are parents and grandparents who are going to be part of your life - and who love you dearly. I always think honesty is important in those closer relationships, so I think I would tell your MIL that you would like her to stop pressuring you to take your son to her therapist or try her recommendations. Just actually ask her to stop bringing it up. Tell her you believe you are doing the right thing and that you need support and love - not advice. I would just tell her "I really don't want to keep hearing about what this therapist says, okay?"

Yes, that will hurt her feelings for a few minutes, but if you are tactful and direct with her and with all the other grandparents, in the long run I think this will be better. They will see through all your actions that you love them, and that heals hurt feelings. They will get over the hurt feelings and you will be freed from some of this pressure and irritation.

[shell in SC]

((((nancy/pajama mama))))
No advice, but I know how you're feeling. DS (also 10) is borderline a whole lot of different disorders but nothing strong enough to get an official diagnosis except for the adhd and bi-polar disorder. So we try different treatments and nothing really works. He takes meds for the adhd while he's in school and it sort of works (works on the hyper part so that he can at least sit still quietly) and the BPD meds work a little but I still cringe when he has to be around my parents b/c they are constantly commenting on his anger issues and moodiness. It really makes me feel. . .not sure what the word is. . .belittled, like a bad parent. . .I don't know. But short of me blowing a fuse with him and getting blowing my top there's really no sure fire easy way to handle him.

So my friend, just know that you are not alone. . .many of us struggle with this. . .

FAMILY. . .can't live with 'em. . .can't disown 'em.

shell