I need some input on my dd's (9th) literary essay......

[twoblessings]

This is her 1st one that she did on her own. She was given the Thesis but she came up with the rest on her own. I gave her a little input on it and she made some changes. This is her final. I think it is pretty good but, I have never had anything like this in school. Because of this I would like to get others opinions on it.

Also, is the title of a literary essay suppose to be underlined?

(I had to seperate the paragraphs because it wasn't coming out right when I submitted it. They are indented as should be on her final)




Jacqueline Johnson

By:



Sometimes its difficult to establish the important characters in a story.

In "Weldon the Weed" by Peter Jones there is an example of this. In this

humorous tale of adolescence, the character Jacqueline Johnson is an

essential ingredient.


Christopher Crawley would use anything he could against Weldon,

including his crush on Jacqueline Johnson. "Crawley had noticed it, too,

and he realized that the surest way to needling Weldon was to make him

look like a sissy in front of Jacqueline Johnson." In fact, Crawley's

motivation for his outrageous dares were to impress Ms. Johnson. Clearly

Crawley's plan was to attack Weldon's pride, so that he would look dense in front

of Jacqueline. His plan might have worked, had he not have underestimated

her kind and generous nature. She was on Weldon's side from the very

beginning, and told him all she knew.


Jacqueline Johnson warned Weldon. "'I think its only right to warn you,' she

lisped.'that Crawley is not going to play fair."' She informed Weldon directly

after Christopher Crawley told her of his plot "'He is going to cheat"'. Without this

information Weldon wouldn't have been prepared to beat Crawley at his own game.

But this was only the beginning of her helping him.



She decided to see what would happen for herself. '"Hideous shape, ghastly

leering face, and all', added Jacqueline. 'I know because I was there too. I wasn't

scared."' Because of her declaration, all the other kids on the playground knew that

Weldon wasn't lying. With Jacqueline Johnson help, Weldon was easily able to

defeat Christopher Crawley. Jacqueline Johnson clearly proved herself through the

events in the story.



Jacqueline Johnson was definitely a large part in this story. Sometimes

you wont realize how important a character is until you take a closer look.

Without her, there would not be a story.

[twoblessings]

d

[mdetaos]

What was the thesis? Knowing that might make feedback a bit easier.

Here is a link to some literary essays. Just go to Grades 9-12 and take a look.

http://www.thewritesource.com/studentmodels/#inc

Mary

[Michelle in AL]

I like it! I think it's excellent work for a 9th grader.

Is the first paragraph the thesis statement she was assigned? If so, I really like her initial lead in to the character analysis hristopher Crawley would use anything he could against Weldon, including his crush on Jacqueline Johnson.. It captures the reader's interest and she keeps that interest throughout.

She uses quotes from the story as evidence to support her thesis which is good too.

I think it is well done. If she has done some study of the elements of characterization, she could add how the author used Jacqueline as an antagonist or foil (I'm just guessing, she may not be an antagonist or foil) to contrast the character traits of Crawley. If she hasn't studied this yet then this doesn't matter.

Great Job!

[twoblessings]

The thesis is the 3rd line in the 1st paragraph. She was taught that this is where the Thesis goes. Can they be somewhere else? Shows how much I know. I said I never did this in school. lol.

This is her thesis:

In this humorous tale of adolescence, the character Jacqueline Johnson is an

essential ingredient.

Thanks for your input and the linkl. I am off to check it out.


~busy bee

[Ria]

Your dd has some good ideas, but she needs to make her thesis clear, and it's imperative that she have topic sentences in each of the body paragraphs. Think of it like this:

I. Intro paragraph. Contains thesis. Briefly mentions point one, point two, and point three to back up thesis. For example, using the info your dd provided:

Thesis: Jacqueline Johnson, though a minor character, is essential to [name of book or story]. (I'm guessing here, but it seems as though this is what your dd is trying to say. Have her figure out what, exactly, she's trying to say about this character. Is she essential to the story? Why? Give three reasons (points one, two, and three) and develop each one in a body paragraph. In each body paragraph, remember the thesis! Each body paragraph should relate to, and give substance to, the thesis of the essay.

II. 1st body paragraph. Deals with Point One. Has topic sentence that relates to thesis. Use a quote that exemplifies point one. Explain and give other examples of point one. The concluding sentence should form a good transition to the next body paragraph. Again, using your dd's essay, it seems that she's saying that JJ's character acts as a foil for other characters. If that's what she's saying, have her come up with a few examples. Give the examples while explaining how JJ acts as a foil, and why this minor character is essential to the story.

III. 2nd body paragraph, same as above with point two.

IV. 3rd body paragraph, same as above with point three.

V. Concluding paragraph. Sums up body paragraphs one, two, and three and uses them to "prove" the thesis.

That's a very simplified essay structure, but it should help you to see the structure desired in an essay of this type.

Also, at the high school level you might want to consider having her use MLA format; that's standard for high school and college. You can google MLA format; basically each quote needs to be cited. This can be tricky (more so when citing information from online sources), so it's always best to check the latest MLA guidelines.

In addition, when quotes are used, they cannot stand alone - they must be explained or introduced. For example, you cannot just have a sentence that says, "Direct quote from book." that is nothing more than a direct quote from the book without any words from your dd. That doesn't say anything new and isn't her work! Instead, try something like this: Jacqueline is important as a foil for other characters; indeed, "[Crawley] realized that the surest way to needling Weldon was to make him look like a sissy in front of Jacqueline Johnson." Use the quote to make the point.

Your dd has some good ideas, but she should work on developing them and using more structure in her writing.

Some good "how to write books" are the Write Source books. Writer's Express is for middle school, and Write Source 2000 and Writer's Inc. are for high school/college. I always recommended Writer's Express, even for my high school students, because it makes the basics of essay writing very clear. Write Source 2000 builds on that base.

Ria

[twoblessings]

Thanks for your input. Her thesis is the 3rd line in the 1st paragraph. I guess I didn't realize that the thesis could be somewhere else. This is really helpful.

Thanks

[Maura in NY]

Mary,
Thanks for that link to the WriteSource student models. I think this will help my ds see what I am looking for better than all my talking can!
Maura