When your attitude isn't right...

[BMW]

One think I have liked about the boards here is that the people don't seem to live with rose colored glasses on... they/we tend to be open and honest and nudge each other along.

My boy is 11-1/2, adhd, dyslexia, dysgraphia, sensory integration dysfunciton and delayed both emotionally and mentally.

I am frustrated with him. It is 2 steps forward 3 steps back, 5 steps forward 3 steps back and though I can see progress, it is very hard for me to deal with the non-school times. School progress can be seen. But his immaturity levels are just stuck. It's hard to watch him grow and keep doing ridiculous things that other boys are now over... like farting in a brother's face on purpose and laughing... that just isn't okay with me!! It doesn't seem to matter if he has a consequence, because it doesn't change that he does not think of others and he does not think about common sense type things...

I feel myself pull away to protect both him and myself because I get angry and frustrated and don't know where to go with those feelings.

So, are any of you willing to share what you do when you are frustrated? What do you do when you are angry with a special needs child? Please tell me you aren't Mary Poppins, Froiline Maria or some such sweet, tender mom that keeps sailing smooth when aggravations are all around... Is this okay to discuss? I am not bashing a child and wouldn't want any of you to, either, just want to know how you handle when you feel let down and like it just isn't going to change... or when you get angry because they do misbehave...

[AnnetteB]

This is a tough one. I have written letters addressed to "a friend" airing how I feel and DON'T mail them. It is therapuetic just to write it down. I do have a dear friend that I have known since 2nd grade and we can listen/talk together without judging each other. When I am frustrated with one of the children, I try to remove myself from the room to calm down. Words said in haste would haunt me. I have given myself a lot of "time outs" over the years. I pray for the children, remind myself that they are only mine on loan, think of ways that the situation "might be worse." I'm a glass-half-full sort of person. It is funny how we applaud a baby when they burp and toot to calm their digestion, but with the older kids it is quite the opposite.:glare: Hang in there, Mom, you are not alone.

[Niffercoo]

You know, I find myself actually taking it out more on my non-special needs child. I find that I have a good bit of patience with Austin and Reece, but I have so little for Riley. I find myself thinking, "What is wrong with you? You don't have any excuses. You don't have autism." It's such a wrong thing to think, and I have to tell myself that all the time. She's got a pretty difficult role in the middle between two children who don't respond to things the way they are supposed to.

The key for me is to get lots of time away. I need to get out for an hour or two at least once a week. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband who allows me to do this as long as it's possible. He works 2 jobs so he knows when he's home, sometimes I need to be gone.

I've also taken up jogging, which has helped as well. Getting out to run and clear my head, not to mention the feeling I have when I have accomplished my mileage goal, is really affirming. It's so hard to make concrete goals for special needs children, because they can't always make them like you plan. I like having a goal like "I'm going to run a 5K" and then be able to do it. It makes me feel like I am capable of actually accomplishing something again.

[WTMCassandra]

:lurk5:

[Michelle T]

My guy is 12.5, and exactly as you describe, right down to loving to fart on anyone nearby, the pets, me, etc. and then laughing his head off.

I often get VERY impatient with his immaturity, his endless talking about nothing, his inability to grasp even the most obvious, commonsense ideas, and his attitude. I try very hard not to show this impatience, but I know it does sometimes come through.

I try to take a lot of deep breaths, vent to DH, and come here.
Michelle T, who has no real advice but tons of empathy

[farmgirlinwv]

No advice here, but know you're not alone. I can be very patient, but then it all builds up until I lose it and start yelling and saying "Get out of my face!" then crying to dh. There are so many moments I wish I had back. My dd has a great memory for these kinds of things and will bring them up out of nowhere. " Mom remember when you said this or did that?" We sacrifice and sacrifice for her and I know she doesn't see it. I don't know that she ever will. But I do know she will always remember the times I lost my temper, even though in the course of her life it's been only a few times.

Lisa

[katemary63]

. like farting in a brother's face on purpose and laughing... that just isn't okay with me!!
..


I'm sorry for your situation. I can see that it is difficult. I have not parented a child with special needs other then moderate ADD so I can't give specific advice about that, but I can tell you what I do when I'm frustrated with kid problems. I pray. It is simply the only answer for me. I can not do anything about the circumstances I'm in. I can only do something about how I react to them. And yet, I can't do anything about how I react to them no matter how hard I try - so I decided that God was going to have to change my feelings and reactions. It works more often then not, but it takes discipline to turn to prayer in the heat of the moment. I'm still working on that.

BTW My DS, age 22, still farts in MY face and laughs his head off about it. I gave up on that one a long time ago! I gotta love him though. He makes me laugh more then anyone I've ever known. So I guess I will accept that I just don't like ALL of his "jokes".

[momsquared]

I am in your same position - for what it is worth. My DD was just diagnosed with SPD and we are just beginning the journal of her education. However, it does always seem one step forward and two steps back. Writing her name was a skill she had and somehow she no longer does (as of last night I learned this). She can look me in the face, tell me something and then demonstrate the exact opposite. It is absolutely frustrating, and I don't always maintain my composure either.

[kim973]

I second the ‘time-out’ for myself. I also have a very good friend who also has a special needs child that I can call at any time. She understands exactly what it’s like. It’s very helpful to get all those negative feelings out, so that I can then move on. I’ve also avoided talking with those that don’t have special needs kids, because they just don’t seem to get it.

I also want to recommend a book that really helps put the difficulties that special needs kids struggle with in perspective. It’s called The Explosive Child by Ross Green. The basic premise is that our kids ‘are doing the best they can.’ I keep telling myself that no matter how frustrated I get, my son is having a much worse time. He also wrote another book about Collaborative Problem Solving which is also a wonderful resource.

I still may get frustrated once in awhile, but after reading those books, my attitude changed. I then found that my son’s behavior actually changed. He still does ‘things,’ but by learning to control how I respond to a situation has helped me to not get as upset.