Did I do right?

[Angela in NC]

My dd will be 12 soon and wants to have a slumber party. She has never been to one or had one. She is very excited about the "sleep over" part. As part of her party, we will be soapmaking at an art school my children attend. It will cost $10-$15 a child, so it is not cheap. Several of the girls can only attend the soapmaking part, but not the sleepover part, because of other activities. My dd decided that if they could not do the whole party she did not want them to do any of it, because it would detract from the "slumber party" idea. So, I told the moms no. I feel a little frustrated, and I could be wrong, but I feel that in their quest for more "activities" for their children, they would just take from us and move on to the next activity instead of committing to my dd. I had a hard time saying no, but my dd was adamant. I know I did right, just wanted support. Thank You, Angela

[GreenKitty]

I see nothing wrong with that. It is a 'sleepover' party. All will be fine and yes I believe you did right:)

[Amy loves Bud]

Well, the only thing would be that maybe some of the families don't "do" sleepovers. Both my kids love to have sleepovers, but we always leave an easy opportunity for the kids to go home after the main evening activities, because some parents don't allow it for various reasons, or maybe some kids are uncomfortable sleeping away from home and are embarrassed to say so. I wouldn't be so quick to say that these folks are wanting to take advantage. You never know what the circumstances may be.

I'm sorry your dd's party isn't working out quite like she had hoped it would.

[Midwest Momma]

I support your right to make the decision, and I applaud you for being sensitive to your daughter's desires. I would like to provide another perspective to consider, if I may.

Our family has decided not to do sleep-overs. In our case, we would love to be involved in the party and celebrate with your daughter, but because of personal convictions, we would forgo the overnight part. It is not because of other activities (though some of those may be previous commitments).

Just another perspective to consider. :)

[abbeyej]

Well, there are a number of families who simply do not allow their daughters to do sleepovers -- it doesn't mean they were trying to "use" you or your daughter for the activity. In fact, it's quite common for girls to go to a portion of a slumber party and have their parents pick them up at "bedtime".

Honestly, I don't think it was very gracious or understanding of you.

That said, it seems none of these were girls that your daughter desperately wanted at her birthday, so I'm sure it will work out.

[Soph the vet]

Hindsight is 20/20 but if it were me, I would talk individually to each mom before sending out invites to see if sleepovers are doable or not and adjust plans accordingly. It may be that only 2 sleepover but your dd would have a grand time anyway. We are ok with sleepovers but only at families we know very, very well. This may have been an issue with some of your families who are more acquaitances than friends.

[Susan]

I can understand your daughter wanting to limit it to only the sleepover friends, and I admire that she is not wishy washy about it! I also understand that not everyone allows sleepovers. They might be disappointed or they might understand. I don't think you need to worry about it. I've also known people who would quickly do other things when something better comes up, so it's always nice to weed out those people too. That's my 2 cents. Don't give it a second thought!

You make soap? So do I! :cool:

[Stirsmommy]

Well for my daughter it is more the fact that her friends wanted to spend what ever time they had with her to celebrate her day. Her birthday is in Dec and that is a heavy commitment month for most. Most of her slumber parties have a friend or two that can't stay for the sleep over or have to come for the sleep over part only. We do have friends who do not let their children sleep over and they pick them up after the activities. In the past we have lived in sports mad areas and there are always games the next day. I figure the kids have to attend their games as they made that commitment to their but that shouldn't preclude them from any other fun activities.
That said I think you are with in your rights to make your party be whatever you choose. And besides its done. Your daughter will enjoy herself and that is a good thing.

[WTMindy]

not have done that. My kids don't do sleep-overs, so I always pick them up early from sleep-overs. My dd would be crushed if she couldn't come for part of the party. Also, I don't really understand why she wouldn't want her friends there for part of the party. I think the fact that people are making an effort to be there for part of the party is a nice thing. It seems a little like you are making this an issue about kids being over-scheduled rather than about a b-day party.

Now, having said that, if that is what your dd wants, I think it is fine, but I just would not have done it that way.

[OnTheBrink]

But, don't those of you who don't do sleep overs communicate that to the host? My son had sleep-overs and two of his friends' parents let me know that they'd like their son to come, but they don't do sleep overs. I then responded with, "Oh, ok, then could they come until 10 pm?"

If someone said, "I can't come because I have this or that activity" and it has nothing to do with personal convictions, I can see where the OP would feel a bit used and frustrated.

I guess it would depend on how much the invitee meant to the inviter.

[abbeyej]

If someone said, "I can't come because I have this or that activity" and it has nothing to do with personal convictions, I can see where the OP would feel a bit used and frustrated.

But if someone says, "My daughter would love to come to the party, but she has a soccer game the next day and we feel it's important she has a good night's sleep. We'd have to pick her up at nine..." Why would that be offensive? (And what does it matter whether that child has one extra-curricular activity or seventy-three, if one commitment conflicts with her ability to stay the night?)

And I know some people who use excuses like that rather than getting into the whole "we don't do sleepovers" thing, which can easily turn into a debate (depending on who you're talking with).

I always thought a party was about the celebration, not about exactly how long one could stay. Does the OP truly think these girls wouldn't have come at all if they weren't making soap?

[Amy loves Bud]

If the kids have other activities but still want to share in the birthday celebration, I say that's great! We haven't asked specifically, but I'm pretty sure one friend who doesn't sleepover goes home because he is afraid, and another family either doesn't do sleepovers at all or doesn't do them with us because they just don't know us well enough (or they think we are crazy :eek:). Anyway, I always put a pick-up time on the invitations for the kids who won't be spending the night. I hope this makes the parents feel at ease and avoid an awkward explanation of why their child can't stay, because, as the parents, they get to think we are weird and protect their children from us. I admire that and they owe me no explanations!

My oldest plays soccer and his Saturday mornings are now booked until the beginning of May. He has made a commitment to his team and he will be at those games. It would make Luke very sad if his friend told him not to come at all if you have to leave at 10 p.m., even if it is so you can get up for a soccer game that has been scheduled for months. This has nothing to do with me taking advantage. I'd rather him be home with us, honestly. I'm sure some of those moms would rather do without the $10 soap and also skip buying a $20 gift, too.

[Milseain]

Personally, I would have done the something, because it was what your dd wanted and it is her party. Her feelings are the only feelings that matter on her day.

[abbeyej]

Her feelings are the only feelings that matter on her day.

I don't believe that's true. Ever. I don't believe it's true when brides say it, or people say it about brides. And I don't think it's true about a child's birthday party. Having a celebration doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter -- being the birthday girl does not excuse callousness or make her the center of the universe even for a short time.

[Amy loves Bud]

Agreed.

[Jami]

I have to agree with Abbey here, Milseain. While a birthday is certainly a special day and it's great for mom to go out of her way to make the party a wonderful time for her daughter, I think one can go too far in encouraging "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to" attitudes. I remember being naturally wired that way at 12 anyway, but I may have been a worse 12 year old than most! It seems to me that some of the potential hurt feelings and backtracking could have been avoided by asking moms privately while planning the party if a sleepover would work on such and such a night, maybe not even mentioning what would be involved pre-sleepover. If a certain girl couldn't do a sleepover then she just couldn't, not harm done.

Jami

[WTMindy]

I don't believe that's true. Ever. I don't believe it's true when brides say it, or people say it about brides. And I don't think it's true about a child's birthday party. Having a celebration doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter -- being the birthday girl does not excuse callousness or make her the center of the universe even for a short time.
I SOOOOOO agree with this statement.

And, to answer another question someone asked. I always tell the parent that we don't do sleep-overs and I ask if I could pick them up. I have never had anyone make me feel bad for that ever (except maybe my dd :-)). In fact, one mom even arranged the party so my dd would be able to participate in a certain activity. I never asked her to, but she wanted my dd to participate.

[*anj*]

I don't believe that's true. Ever. I don't believe it's true when brides say it, or people say it about brides. And I don't think it's true about a child's birthday party. Having a celebration doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter -- being the birthday girl does not excuse callousness or make her the center of the universe even for a short time.

I totally, totally agree.
That attitude is the reason that we have shows like "Bridezilla."

(I'm not saying that the OP's dd is like the women on that show. I'm just saying that I have a problem with the "B-day person gets whatever makes them happy" thing.)

[Kris]

I don't believe that's true. Ever. I don't believe it's true when brides say it, or people say it about brides. And I don't think it's true about a child's birthday party. Having a celebration doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter -- being the birthday girl does not excuse callousness or make her the center of the universe even for a short time.

I couldn't agree more.

Many times we've had to make adjustments, both when we're having the party, or when my son is invited to one. If anyone's ever thought twice about our intentions, I don't know about it--or told us it's "all or nothing." All were happy to participate to the extent they were able.

[PariSarah]

I don't believe that's true. Ever. I don't believe it's true when brides say it, or people say it about brides. And I don't think it's true about a child's birthday party. Having a celebration doesn't mean that other people's feelings don't matter -- being the birthday girl does not excuse callousness or make her the center of the universe even for a short time.

I agree.

Now, I can certainly imagine situations where I would be sticking up for my dd and her tender, wounded emotions and risk insulting people to do it. Maybe this is where OP was coming from--maybe these girls have a history of taking advantage of the family's generosity but don't actually like her dd? Maybe dd has been trying to make friends with these girls and they constantly rebuff her but wanted to do the cool soapmaking thing? Yeah, I could imagine a history where doing something that might otherwise seem rude was actually just taking a stand against rudeness.

But it would take a lot more than "Well, it's her birthday, and that's what she wants" for me to go there.

[Carol in Cal.]

My dd will be 12 soon and wants to have a slumber party. She has never been to one or had one. She is very excited about the "sleep over" part. As part of her party, we will be soapmaking at an art school my children attend. It will cost $10-$15 a child, so it is not cheap. Several of the girls can only attend the soapmaking part, but not the sleepover part, because of other activities. My dd decided that if they could not do the whole party she did not want them to do any of it, because it would detract from the "slumber party" idea. So, I told the moms no. I feel a little frustrated, and I could be wrong, but I feel that in their quest for more "activities" for their children, they would just take from us and move on to the next activity instead of committing to my dd. I had a hard time saying no, but my dd was adamant. I know I did right, just wanted support. Thank You, Angela

I would have invited people to the sleepover party and not mentioned the soap part. In advance I would have decided whether I would have accepted non-sleepover 'yeses' and I would have conveyed that information when the RSVPs were made. I would have emphasized the sleepover aspect in the invitation so that it would be clear that that was really the party.

Having said that, as others have said, there are lots of children who, for whatever reason, don't do sleepovers. I have a nephew with diabetes who can't stay overnight anywhere and manage his illness. I know one older child who still sometimes wet his bed at that age, and would have been too embarrassed to attend a sleepover. There are families who consider these risky. And there are children who seem very independent but get extremely homesick at bedtime. So one of the questions in designing this party would be whether the sleepover experience is important enough to exclude any friends who might fall into one of those categories, even if they are not willing to state which specific issue they have.

Personally, I am cautious about sleepovers for protective reasons, but I do allow them with a few families that we know quite well--but just for one night at a time, not a whole weekend. And also, from a practical standpoint, a sleepover party means that everyone--adults and children--is tired and possibly cranky for a day or two afterwards. So although I'm willing to allow these occasionally, it's almost like saying that DD is allowed to miss 2 days of school to go to a birthday party, because that's how long it takes her to really be herself again. I'm not willing to sacrifice this much very often.

[Just Me]

For me, the issue, as I understand it, is that the invitations were already given out. In that case, I would never retract the invitation. I can't imagine going to a mother and saying, "well, if your child won't spend the night, then she can't come." But maybe I misunderstood the situation.

Now, if it were discussed beforehand, and these were the wishes of the daughter, then maybe. But I am still not sure how you tell those who can't stay overnight that they are not welcome to come for however long they are available.

In my opinion, the fewer girls that age spending the night together at my house, the better! :rolleyes:

[strider]

Abbeyej expressed it well.

[Angela in NC]

The other girls do sleep overs, they just had other committments. My daughter is content and actually I am too. I think I made the right decision for her at this point in time. Things might be different in a different context, but I need to follow my gut reaction and honor her desires on this one. Thank you for the responses. Angela