Sibling taking advantage of dd's SN

[Cadam]

My two oldest both have some Special Needs but the oldest (10 yo ds) is mostly remediated and actually doesn't remember all of his therapy years ago. 6yo dd has way more behavior/ social issues because her SPD is worse. I have talked to ds about how he use to go to therapy, how we are taking dd to help her exc. I know her controlling behaviors and tantrums drive him nuts. He really doesn't like her and that makes me so sad.

He has started doing things just to set her off and it makes me so mad. He will annoy her just to get her in trouble for screaming or whatever. Sometimes I don't know for sure that he is doing anything really but I have caught him enough times to know that it is going on at least a percentage of the time.

I have explained how wrong it is to exploit her weaknesses and disciplined when I caught him. It just doesn't seem to be working. For any other child they would just be a minor thing , or no big deal (squeezing her hand when we pray at dinner, staring at her when she is playing, humming just to bug her, whispering things under his breath....) For dd it is major and sets her off so she ends up having to leave the dinner table or something.

I don't know how to make this stop. How do you get siblings on board to be a help instead of a torment to your sn kids?

[godpoetry]

It is hard when they are that age. I have tried several things in my house to get my children to get along. My oldest does seem to take advantage of my middle child who happens to be a SN boy. They do act like siblings though and get on each others nerves quite a bit. The fact that we homeschool and stay home more in the winter does not help. I do try to run interference between them and watch for things that might happen before my SN son gets set off. Try to put up a chart that documents all the times that he helps his sister, or even ways that he can help his sister. That seemed to help here when we had that issue.

[mooooom]

Does he feel neglected? Do you really spend as much time with him as with her? I would institute a night out w/ mom or dad every week with him, serious alone time with each parent. Also, make sure that he gets time to himself (being in his room uninterrupted - no one else allowed in), and alone time with friends (no siblings allowed). I can imagine he sees her as a threat.

Once he feels special and loved in his own rights (not only when someone has time for him) it should be easy to bring him on board with helping to teach her.

Forgive me if I've said the wrong thing, I don't mean to knock your parenting but it doesn't sound like an easy situation. I can't imagine having had a sibling you had to be so careful around. But I don't think disciplining is the correct reaction if there is a possibility he is just looking for attention of his own.