How do you "break in" to a new community after a move?

[Whisperlily]

It's been a while since I've been here, due being in a state of flux for a while. Some of you might remember me, my DH returned home in November from an overseas deployment. (He's home, safe and sound!)

Now for the real question. We just moved to TX from WA state, and have been here since just before Christmas. 3 of our 4 kids are in public school right now (although I'm really having second thoughts about that decision.) Academically they're doing very well, but the social climate at their particular school isSO different than anywhere we've ever lived. The kids are having a hard time with the level of disrespect and what they call "horrible kids" who attend here.

I haven't had time to break in to any social groups, and we haven't found a church that seems to fit our family just yet. I did start attending a military wives Bible Study group , but have only attended once (5 weeks ago) and then illness has kept me from being able to attend ever since.
(we are now active duty military and live near a military installation)

How do I find friends for my children to develop relationships with? There are *many* homeschooling families here, and though we only homeschooled for one year, I feel like I'm more likely to find like-minded parents among homeschooled families. I don't know how to "break in" to this new community. I tend to usually let relationships develop on their own, or let others make the first move but I really feel socially isolated right now.

Any suggestions?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Find a church. It sounds like you are looking. Once you find one, that should help somewhat.

Find out if there are any homeschool groups nearby. If 3 of your kids are in p.s. then they couldn't come with you at first, but you and the one you have at home could go. If the one at home is not school-age just tell them that you are checking out homeschooling in the area because you are considering bringing them home (I heard you correctly on that, didn't I?)

Introduce yourself to your neighbors. When I moved here to our neighborhood I took homemade cookies around to the neighbors and introduced myself. Who knows what gems might be lurking close by!

Keep going to the Bible study (once you are better).

Hang in there! It takes a while. Come hang out with us if you get lonely!

[Peek a Boo]

we joined every homeschool group in the area our first year after a move. It was a busy year, but i expected it to be: my focus was on establishing relationships. Academics was second. i am very pleased w/ the result-- my guys have formed a few great freindships that serve as motivation for completing schoolwork, lol.

The second year I was more picky about the groups we joined. I also decided to get involved *in the community* -- started attending City Council meetings, joined the Parks and Rec board, and was part of the campaign to elect a local homeschool dad as mayor :-)

Don't forget about trying out a volunteer activity the whole family can help with --a food pantry, crisis pregnancy center [lots of behind the scenes stuff even kids can help with], nursing home, lions club, whatever! As you find areas that you can serve the community you're likely to find homeschoolers there too :-)

If you aren't sure about homeschool groups, post a "wanted" sign in the library or other community board. Ask the librarian. Visit churches and ask them. We tried on a few churches and still aren't members at the one we currently attend, but we're upfront about that.

good luck!

[chai]

I tend to usually let relationships develop on their own, or let others make the first move but I really feel socially isolated right now.

This describes me to a tee. However, since we moved last fall, I have been making a concerted effort to make the first move. It's not comfortable for me, but I'm not willing to wait long enough for others to decide to initiate something. I do feel proud of myself for doing it and it's getting easier.

We jumped right into a homeschool group with a weekly park day and field trips. I've initiated play dates at McDonalds or parks with other homeschooling families. I had a co-op party in my home. I invited the neighborhood kids for a cookie decorating party.

I met someone in a lobby who had homeschooling books, struck up a conversation and managed to get invited to another group's park day. I've invited moms from my dd's classes to Starbucks.

We've had a hard time finding a church, so I haven't been able to rely on that for friendships. I even invited myself to visit someone's church.

We are getting to the point of being overscheduled, but like Peek a Boo, we'll cut down on the activities once we've found the right fit.

[Amy in Orlando]

I find situations like this so difficult, I have a really hard time meeting new people. Like the others said, keep looking for a church. I don't know your kids' ages, but is scouts or 4H an option? We've met most of our good friends (dh and mine and the kids) through scouting or tae kwon do.

I hope you can "break through" soon. Maybe invite Peek or Donelda to come jump start things for you - they both sound very brave. ;)

[chai]

Maybe invite Peek or Donelda to come jump start things for you - they both sound very brave. ;)

Hah! Once I've found my niche, I'm going back to being my introverted self!

[StephanieZ]

to make the first moves. 1) Find groups that make sense, 2) meet people at those groups, 3) then reach out.

To find groups, first shop churches since that is obviously on your agenda. Visit one every Sunday until you find one that seems best of the available options. (This is easy for me b/c we really only have one denomination -- Episcopal -- that fits us, but no matter how open minded you are, there must be a limited number of options. So, make a list, call the offices, ask some questions to help you narrow it down, then visit one EVERY week. Then, choose! Once you choose, pick one or two non-sunday things to involve yourself in to meet people. Dinner groups, bible study, whatever. . .) Other groups you could check out: your kids' schools PTAs? HS groups? Volunteer groups? Hobby groups? Yoga/etc class?

When you meet someone you like, make the first move! Invite them to lunch/coffee/playdate/dinner/meet at Sam's/exer-walk/family field trip/whatever.

Don't say No when asked out. ;) That was my key to surviving Freshman year at college. . . The introverts survival key: Never say no. (With a few obvious exceptions!)

When we moved to GA for my dh's vet school, I was 6 mos pg with our first baby, not working, finishing my grad degree from home, living 25 min outside of town on a rural property. Recipe for isolation!!! My keys were to go to church every Sunday, get involved there, and reach out all over the place. I made a good friend once in Michael's just b/c I was smiling/talking to her toddler who was the same age as my daughter! We talked for like 5 min, then I got her number and we did playdates, etc for years. Another good friend, who is still a dear friend, I met in the bathroom at church a few weeks after our move. We noticed eachother's similarly pg bellies, laughed about being pg and alwasy in the bathroom and my MOM (who was visiting) played matchmaker and told us to get eachother's numbers. . . We did and 12 years later we're still friends even though we live far apart. Friends are all over the place, you just have to be braver than you feel.

[Cadam]

yesterday dd and I were extra brave! It may seem silly but at the end of the cultasac there is a family with 4 or 5 children. They are never out to play in the fount and the parents don't speak English. I have been nervous about asking them to play because my Spanish is so limited I can basically tell the mom my name and that is it. They have the only little girl on the block though so yesterday we knocked. She couldn't come out but it was less scary than I imagined and I am pretty sure the older sister is babysitter material. We will try again on Saturday even though it is so totally out of my comfort zone.

[Liz CA]

It's been a while since I've been here, due being in a state of flux for a while. Some of you might remember me, my DH returned home in November from an overseas deployment. (He's home, safe and sound!)

Now for the real question. We just moved to TX from WA state, and have been here since just before Christmas. 3 of our 4 kids are in public school right now (although I'm really having second thoughts about that decision.) Academically they're doing very well, but the social climate at their particular school isSO different than anywhere we've ever lived. The kids are having a hard time with the level of disrespect and what they call "horrible kids" who attend here.

I haven't had time to break in to any social groups, and we haven't found a church that seems to fit our family just yet. I did start attending a military wives Bible Study group , but have only attended once (5 weeks ago) and then illness has kept me from being able to attend ever since.
(we are now active duty military and live near a military installation)

How do I find friends for my children to develop relationships with? There are *many* homeschooling families here, and though we only homeschooled for one year, I feel like I'm more likely to find like-minded parents among homeschooled families. I don't know how to "break in" to this new community. I tend to usually let relationships develop on their own, or let others make the first move but I really feel socially isolated right now.

Any suggestions?

there are homeschool groups etc. Are you still homeschooling one?
Even if not, you could always say you have been homeschooling and considering it again - probably does not matter to them.
Kids (if younger) can make friends on playgrounds. I also second the suggestions of finding a church which I know can take a while until you find the right one for you.
Sounds like you have been there only for about 2 months, take your time. It will happen.

[momo4]

Join everything the first year. That is what we did. Church, 4-H, 2 Christian homeschool groups. Once you find a church get involved in ministry. Since we didn't know very many people we had more time to make friends. It is funny that my favorite friends did not come from these groups, but from friends in these groups. Connecting helps you to connect to others and their others.:)

[GVA]

I've found some of the "best of the best" that way. For some reason, offering to help with cleanup gets to people's hearts...

[lynn]

Some communities are just not as welcoming as others. You have to be a little aggressive sometimes and do things like join the PTA, go to school board or town meetings, volunteer for local organizations, have your kids sign up for activities and hopefully find a church that is welcoming to you and your children, sad but most aren't.

[Whisperlily]

Thank you everybody. I guess I'm going to have to be brave. We are going through a bit of a culture shock as well. We lived in TX (different area) 4-5 years ago and loved it, so it's not regional differences but this particular community.

I know there have to be other like-minded families here!

We are considering homeschooling again, but if we do it won't be until next year. Our youngest is only 2, so she is not school age yet. The local school district starts kids at age 3 in full-day pre-K (75% of kids here attend at age 3) and about 90% at age 4. I have my feet firmly planted and will not send DD until age 5, if I decide to send her to PS.

So, when you meet someone new, often the common conversation ends with... "Let's get together sometime!" And, it usually never happens. Do you feel that someone is pushy if they try to pin you down to a day/date? I'm so anti-pushy that these things never seem to happen. What's a good time frame, say... next week?

It's not a crisis of self-confidence as much as a newcomer's fear of breaking into others' established routine.

I guess it really does come down to "get out there and be brave."

*Taking a deep breath here, and putting my big-girl panties on.*

[j.griff]

I say push to get their name, e-mail, and phone number. Keep a pad of paper and a pen with you, and when you meet someone you'd like to get to know, ask them to write down their name and e-mail addy/phone number. Give them yours in return (I have known some ladies who have business cards with this info printed on them, they hand them out to folks they meet and like), and then e-mail them that day or call them in a couple of days. Ask them what day would be good for them to meet you for a playdate/coffee/etc. You'll have to go out there and gather the info and do the inviting. I think lots of people are just so busy they don't "make" the time to connect with people any more. Most likely though, if they are invited to something specific they won't turn it down (at least not repeatedly- I'd try 2 or 3 times) if they are interested. If they aren't really interested I'd just move on.

[Peek a Boo]

pushy--

I am sooo flexible that I've had to learn to SET a date, lol. So now I "push" to set a date ASAP.

"we should get together sometime!"

ok --howzabout tomorrow afternoon --say 2-ish?

no- we have a whatchacallit to go to.

ok-- howzabout Friday morning? at that park just up the road?

no--Dr appt.....

{{{third times a charm, then I stop, lol}}}}

ok, last try --would Monday afternoon work maybe 1 o'clock??

SURE!

[[exchange numbers. get email too. and last name.]]

See Ya Monday at one!


now wasn't that easy?? just keep throwing out dates and a time till you get a YES, lol. start w/ tomorrow cuz if it works, GREAT! if it doesn't, you want the next opportunity to be ASAP.

military.....If you're in San Antonio, that's my old stomping grounds!! great place --PM me if you're in the DFW area or SA.

good luck!

[Laurel T.]

I have found that 2 year olds get alot of attention. You can use that to your advantage. We moved from TX to a small town in AL. It really took me a while to feel like a part of the community. But, I met some great friends at the park, at kindermusik, library story time, etc. I just said "hey I am new to the community and need some help getting acclamated." Everyone was great. We have been here three years now and I feel like I have closer friends than I have ever had.

One of my very best friends (also a homeschooler) I met in the line at Wal-Mart. Her son had on a little Jesus loves me shirt and she was buying organic milk. I made a stupid comment about the lines being long and how well her kids were managing it as opposed to mine. She was new, too. She has been one of my best friend since. You just never know.

Laurel T.

[Volty]

The best way to break in your community is by looking for spare keys in the porch areas: under the mat, under some potted plants. If that doesn't work, I recommend taking a crowbar to first floor windows.

Good luck.;)

[Whisperlily]

The best way to break in your community is by looking for spare keys in the porch areas: under the mat, under some potted plants. If that doesn't work, I recommend taking a crowbar to first floor windows.

Good luck.;)

*chuckle* Do you have step by step instructions? :D