Looking for feedback from daughter in laws....

[Merry]

My ds married a lovely and sweet girl he had known since childhood and they now live about six hours away with a 3 year old ds and one year old dd. A beautiful family and I love my dil very much. They just left after a weekend visit and I felt uncomfortable with something she wanted me to do that was just not me. For my birthday, she wanted for us to go to Wal Mart with her dd and my dd who is a young single adult, pick out matching tops, and pose for a formal portrait at the studio at the store. This was sprung on me last minute as a surprise gift and I was urged to pick out my favorite top or dress I already had and then the girls would buy matching tops and a little dress for the baby girl at WalMart. Well, it's a lovely idea and it's something she and the women in her family do for fun and to celebrate family togetherness. My family is the opposite. The women in my family are camera phobic and we don't like to dress up just for pictures and we don't do each other's hair or nails or clothes while my dd's family does. So, I did not in the least want to do it but I wanted to make my dil happy so I went through with it but I'm afraid that I didn't fake it well enough or something. I never had a mil so I'm not sure how I should have handled it. Should I have maybe grumbled a bit to relieve my feelings and then gone through with it, said no and tried to find an alternative activity including an informal photo of us taken with my camera, or did what I did do? How would you have preferred for your mil to be if you wanted to do an activity that she wouldn't enjoy doing but not want to hurt your feelings? I think we do have a good relationship and we like to do things together like cook, bake, and walk around downtown.

[KIN]

I would have done the same thing, she was obviously thinking she had picked something very special for you all to do together. It wasn't harmful, or against any beliefs, just stretching you out of your comfort zone, correct? I would have tried to be gracious and go along with it. Just as I would with any gift given to me by a loved one that was given in love.

[imeverywoman]

was a lovely thing to do. Continue to affirm your fondness of her and allow her to see how much she means to you. If by any chance you didn't fake it well enough, your actions will make her see that you DO care for her and what she does for you.

Gosh, I wish my MIL cared one iota (SP?) about my feelings. You are a great, great mom!

Blessings,

[abbeyej]

Well, I think I would prefer that you were honest. Not grumbly. But say just what you did here, "This just makes me really uncomfortable. I think it's lovely that you do it in your family, but I'm not comfortable with dressing up and formal pictures..." etc.

That said, I'm not sure why it was such a big deal? It sounds like your DIL tried to be accommodating (telling you to wear something you already own and like), and it was just a morning and a photo. For her, it means that you are all part of the same family -- you guys belong to each other. I think that *ought* to be really heart-warming. ;)

I mean, lol, a studio portrait at Wal-mart sounds pretty unappealing to me too. ;) But it's one morning. It's not painful, it's not immoral, it's a harmless way of honoring your family relationship with your daughter, daughter-in-law and granddaughter... Was it really necessary to be cranky about it?

But if you just can't help being cranky, then you need to be honest with her. "This makes me uncomfortable, and I just don't think I can get over that." Then suggest an alternative. Perhaps they could have to portrait done and then meet you for lunch afterward. Perhaps you have a friend who's an excellent amateur photographer who could do a family portrait outside in a location where you feel more comfortable -- more formal than any old candid shot, but not a studio where you would feel awkward.

I think "grumbling and going along with it" is possibly the worst option. It's a great way to make *everyone* miserable and hurt.

[abbeyej]

If the opportunity arises, I would tell her how much this meant to you, and that it was a lovely thing to do. Continue to affirm your fondness of her and allow her to see how much she means to you. If by any chance you didn't fake it well enough, your actions will make her see that you DO care for her and what she does for you.

I agree with this completely. Do let her know that even though you personally felt uncomfortable, it meant a lot to you that she wanted to affirm this family bond in such a way.

[Janet in WA]

You did exactly the right thing. Now just work on your acting a little for the next time!

[Kimber]

The biggest problem I have with my dh's family is that they don't share their feelings and ideas--people don't talk. Confrontation is not allowed. Well, in my family we get it all out and then laugh about it. I love my mil and my husbands sister and brother. I love being with them. But when they don't share what's bothered them about what I did, I fill in the words myself making bigger problems than what were really there.

My .02, just be honest and talk. That's what real families do.

[Ellie]

it's good for you to grow :-)

That the women in your family are camera phobic is too bad. They're like that in my family, too, and the result is that I have almost no pictures of my mother or grandmother, not even informal ones. In fact, my mother was known to cut her own face out of group pictures. Sheesh.

You don't do pictures for yourself. You do them for your children and grandchildren.

She sounds like a wonderful dil.:)

[praisefor3]

But if it takes dressing up and getting my picture made with my dil to keep the best of relationships I would have faked it with all my might. This is such a little thing to do in reality and if that is what it takes to bond with my son's wife I will dress up and smile and I will never let her know it made me uncomfortable. I might kid her about loving her so much that I would even get out of my comfort zone to do this but I would act like I loved every minute of spending time with her and grandchild. MIL/DIL relationships can be so sensitive and harmed so easily resulting in lifelong hurts that if I can give her this gift of doing something that she likes I will do it and let her know how special it was that she treated me like her own mother.

[j.griff]

*I* would prefer that my MIL just tell me that she while she appreciates the thought, she really is not comfortable with that, and if she told me WHY she's not comfortable, I would be so happy that she shared something so personal with me. :)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I agree. Honesty is usually better in the long run. If your pretending was better than you think, you could end up with a yearly tradition!

I'm sorry for the times I pretended to like something, especially with my inlaws. There was elderberry pie one year. I don't remember if I really liked it, or if I just pretended the first time. But, I've had it every year since. MIL shops produce auctions in order to find them for me. Bless her heart. She goes through so much trouble. I don't have the heart to tell her that it needs more sugar or something. I just smother the pie in ice cream and eat it. Not fun. Oh, then there was the time (about 10 years ago) when I picked up her Ladies Home Journal (because it was there) and found an interesting article. Ever since then, I get a LHJ subscription for Christmas every year.

Anyway, I would have wanted you to say something like, "Oh dear. I really hate getting my picture taken. I'm so uncomfortable in front of a camera. But. I'll do it. I love you, and I want your kids (and my dd) to have a picture of me. Just promise you won't buy a hundred of them to pass out to everyone and their dog." Then, I would have wanted you to pick out a simple, solid colored top in a color that suits you (jeans and a t-shirt would be great -- something casual).

Anyway, it's over now. You can still be honest about it. You may want to clear the air, for no other reason than to prevent it from biting you again in the future. Or, you can just practice your pretending, for the next time it comes up.

[Remudamom]

Please be gracious and go along with it. Makes me think of mils that return all Christmas presents or just complain about the money spent. I'd sure feel bad if I tried to include my mil in something like that and got rebuffed. Makes you want to quit trying after a while.

[Janet in WA]

Please be gracious and go along with it. Makes me think of mils that return all Christmas presents or just complain about the money spent. I'd sure feel bad if I tried to include my mil in something like that and got rebuffed. Makes you want to quit trying after a while.I agree. Sometimes we need to just get over ourselves and our hangups and our likes and dislikes and just do something that makes someone else happy. And we need to do it with as cheerful an attitude as we can muster. This sounds to me like one of those times.

[Denise in IN]

I think you can let her know that what she's requesting is something that's not comfortable, and "stretching" you, but that you're willing to do it. I think you did the right thing by going ahead with it. It's good for us to be stretched out of our comfort zone, especially for the sake of honoring others in relationships.

It sounds like you have a wonderful dil, and even more, it sounds like your are a great mil! I hope you had a wonderful birthday!

[Maria from IN]

I can see how it would make you feel uncomfortable, but let's face it--they're six hours away, and you don't get to see them all that much. Having that picture to look at and remind them of your visit is worth being uncomfortable for an afternoon, no?

If it does become a yearly tradition, wonderful! You get to see your family grow, and you will have even more pictures to show people and brag about your wonderful daughter-in-law and grandchildren.

[*anj*]

I think that you should call her and thank her for forcing you outside of your comfort zone! :)
Seriously, she probably already knew that you wouldn't l-o-v-e the idea, but she (and your son) probably thought it would be a good little nudge for you. Come on, if you're posting on this board you can't be that old. Like Ellie said, it's too sad that "the women in your family don't like their pictures taken." Why is that? Honestly?

Once you've stated to her that you stepped out of the box for her, she probably won't foist it on you repeatedly. But it is a gift that the other women in your family will cherish long after you're gone. I'm glad that you went. :)

[imeverywoman]

Your DIL may be able to extend the borders of your comfort zone. You know, help you do things that you may not normally do, but could potentially enjoy, if only you took a step or two out of what is the norm for you.

I cannot quite put into words just what I am feeling, but it is a good kind of experience that the two of you can share and look back years from now and have a good laugh over. "Mom, do you remember the time that we did..." You'll remember it and cherish the memory of that experience forever.

Kindly, :)

[HiddenJewel]

*I* would prefer that my MIL just tell me that she while she appreciates the thought, she really is not comfortable with that, and if she told me WHY she's not comfortable, I would be so happy that she shared something so personal with me. :)

Ditto. I would want my mil to be honest with me (in love, of course).

[Rachel]

you did the right thing! You are showing here many good things here.....
1. That you value her and the trouble she went to
2. It isn't all about you
3. If she could see that you didn't enjoy it she saw love that covered that uncomfortableness.........a lesson she will hopefully pass on to your grandchildren
4. You are a good sport

You blessed your DIL by being willing to go outside your comfort zone.

Now if it had been something "seriously" against your beliefs/comfort like going to a strip show or something of that nature, then that is different.........but to me it isn't about "not being our true self" when we do something we really rather not.......its about sacrificial love. Same as when your husband says "sure I would love to see Sleepless in Seattle for the 40th time"

[cin]

I think it was good that you went. My mother-in-law is a fuddy dud. Doesn't like to do new things, learn about new things and all that stuff. It does cause problems. She also SAYS she doesnt' eat sugar, and won't eat any of my desserts, but I do wonder who eats the m&m's & cookies she has in her cupbaords. Relationships are about give and take. You've given and taken for years from your immediate family, now that it's growing you're going to have to grow with it. If your DIL is anything like me, she probably thought it was a GREAT present and would have been hurt that you didn't want to do it. The relationship between MIL & DIL can be very fragile, and your son is in the middle. If it ain't immoral or painful, give a little. You want to stay on her good side ;).

[SnowWhite]

I think you were right to go, but I don't think you have to pretend to love the idea. You can say something like, "Oh, I really hate having my picture taken... I would rather just have a picture of the two girls together," or something like that.

There is a fine line.... I wear the clothing my MIL gives me on my children every time she comes around (and other times too!), but when she "graciously" chose a Christmas present for my dh to give me (and was going to return the present he had bought me which I liked much better!) I let her know I wanted his original gift. I kept what she bought me and wore it graciously... but I let her know I usually prefer different colors than red and black. I used my gift money from my grandparents to repay her for my dh's original gift.

We have a great relationship, btw, very open and loving.

[WTMindy]

this is the worst thing you have to deal with your dil!! What a wonderful problem. Your dil wants to have a family picture with you. That is very sweet!!! I know it made you feel uncomfortable, but you will have a wonderful heirloom. She even let you choose the clothing, she was being sensitive to you.

[Natalieclare]

I *seriously* hate having my picture taken, so I really commiserate with you! But in the end, I would have gone through with it with a little good natured joking about the things we do for love. I am forcing myself to take pictures with my kids more often because I know someday they will really value them.

If she noticed you were a little stiff during the process, you might clue her in to how this challenged your comfort level and add that she is definitely worth the challenge.

[momo4]

I love, love, love my mil! If I had suggested something like that to her, she would have laughed and rocked back in her seat and said, "no, no, no, let's just take a picture here." Next time just be honest and say what you would feel comfortable with. My mil won't do lots of things, because she just won't. Like travel. She has never been to our house, but that is okay we go see her. My mom thinks it is very strange, but that is just the way she is and she isn't rude about it, she just never travels.

I love my mil, because she is so supportive of us and never judges our decisions. If she doesn't like something she will say so, but very kindly.

[gardenschooler]

Hmmm, my MIL and I get along swimmingly, so I thought I'd jump in here. I would never in a million years ask her to do this, though!! As a matter of fact, I would never suggest anything to her - she's perfectly capable of telling us what she would like to do for her birthday, Mother's day, etc. To suggest something so incredibly - out there (who does this?) - I wouldn't even do to my best friend, much less my MIL.

She once wanted to take her granddaughters shopping for dresses. They hate dresses, but we never let on to that fact. They went and tried on dresses, let her buy them one, and said thank you. I took pictures of them wearing the dresses, and put them in frames for her.

We defer to her, not the other way around. Not that she insists on it at all, but I insist. Sounds like your DIL is more on the 'let's be buddies' page. I'd nip this in the bud. :eek:

I'm also glad I'll never have DIL's!! :p

Edit: Wow, I see I am in the minority here. My point was that I would never suggest something to MIL for her birthday, or any other time. I like to find out what SHE wants to do - I can do what I want any old time. I also am baffled about the dressing alike for the photos, but I see everyone's point on the group photo being a treasure.

[Kate CA]

It wasn't harmful, or against any beliefs, just stretching you out of your comfort zone, correct? I would have tried to be gracious and go along with it. Just as I would with any gift given to me by a loved one that was given in love.

Yes, exactly. I completely agree.

My MIL does things I am *so* not comfortable with sometimes, but I try to just love her through them and go along if they are not against something I feel strongly about. What a lovely thing that *she* cares that much about YOU to want to do something like that! Rejoice that you have such a DIL. It is OK to be out of your comfort zone sometimes.

I too hate to have my picture done, but life isn't all about what I want. :)

Warmly,
Kate

[Lorna]

You are a wonderful mother-in-law. I would be happy if my mother-in-law didn't treat me as the family servant!

[readwithem]

I Oh, then there was the time (about 10 years ago) when I picked up her Ladies Home Journal (because it was there) and found an interesting article. Ever since then, I get a LHJ subscription for Christmas every year.

This happened to me also LOL - teach me to pick up a magazine at their house :)

[readwithem]

We defer to her, not the other way around. Not that she insists on it at all, but I insist. Sounds like your DIL is more on the 'let's be buddies' page. I'd nip this in the bud. :eek:

I'm also glad I'll never have DIL's!! :p

Edit: Wow, I see I am in the minority here. My point was that I would never suggest something to MIL for her birthday, or any other time. I like to find out what SHE wants to do - I can do what I want any old time. I also am baffled about the dressing alike for the photos, but I see everyone's point on the group photo being a treasure.

Agreeing with you here, whether the idea of a photo is a good idea is a different subject. The point is she didn't feel respected and honored, on her special day.

[Kelli in TN]

Well, I would roll my eyes at my DIL and say something snarky like "Surely the picture will be more attractive if I stay home"......

And she would laugh at me and say "Come on Ms. Kelli, it will be fun."

And I would go because, it is the least I can do for her. After all she puts up with my son and I know that can't be easy all the time!:D

I vote for if your daughter in law is not rude or cold to you (some are), doesn't appear to be telling mother in law tales about you (some do), loves your family (some don't), then just paste on a smile and say cheese!

In hindsight, if you feel like you were ungracious at the moment (and I can understand you were caught off guard!) then just call her up and tell her how much her visit meant to you, how much she means to you.

[Tammyla]

I think you were sweet and gracious, and kindness goes a long way in the mil/dil relationship.

[Soph the vet]

My MIL would've told me flat out she was not for it. I appreciate how you graciously went along with DIL's idea.

[GreenKitty]

My ds married a lovely and sweet girl he had known since childhood and they now live about six hours away with a 3 year old ds and one year old dd. A beautiful family and I love my dil very much. They just left after a weekend visit and I felt uncomfortable with something she wanted me to do that was just not me. For my birthday, she wanted for us to go to Wal Mart with her dd and my dd who is a young single adult, pick out matching tops, and pose for a formal portrait at the studio at the store. This was sprung on me last minute as a surprise gift and I was urged to pick out my favorite top or dress I already had and then the girls would buy matching tops and a little dress for the baby girl at WalMart. Well, it's a lovely idea and it's something she and the women in her family do for fun and to celebrate family togetherness. My family is the opposite. The women in my family are camera phobic and we don't like to dress up just for pictures and we don't do each other's hair or nails or clothes while my dd's family does. So, I did not in the least want to do it but I wanted to make my dil happy so I went through with it but I'm afraid that I didn't fake it well enough or something. I never had a mil so I'm not sure how I should have handled it. Should I have maybe grumbled a bit to relieve my feelings and then gone through with it, said no and tried to find an alternative activity including an informal photo of us taken with my camera, or did what I did do? How would you have preferred for your mil to be if you wanted to do an activity that she wouldn't enjoy doing but not want to hurt your feelings? I think we do have a good relationship and we like to do things together like cook, bake, and walk around downtown.

I had to quote so I could remember what you said:rolleyes:

I think the fact you went along with it is WONDERFUL! No, I do not think you should have grumbled. It sounds like your dil really thought it would be fun and WANTED to include you!

My mil would NEVER do ANYTHING she did not want to do, period. If I were to plan something like this she would make a huge scene, told everyone how ridiculous it was and stood her ground and not do it. I can only dream of having my stepmil even look at me nicely or treat the kids and I with respect.

So...Cheers to you for doing it and really loving your dil and their family!

[PariSarah]

It was generous of you to do something uncomfortable to you that made her smile.

And I think it sounds like your DIL really wants to have a good relationship with you. She was trying to think of something special that would bring you all together. She didn't hit on something that really rocks your world, but she tried! She'll probably get better at it as you get to know each other better.

What a terrific combination!

[jellybean]

I am so glad to hear you went along with it!

[Cadam]

I have a good relationship with my mil. I once gave her a gift certificate for us to go get our nails done. I could tell that at first she was a little nervous but I think she ended up liking it. HOWEVER, if she was really really uncomfortable I would have wanted her to tell me how thoughtful and wonderful that was, but that she was just not comfortable. If you don't tell her and she thinks you really had a good time you may find yourself repeating that gift often.

It probably would have hurt me feelings a little bit but I would have gotten over it quickly, knowing that my mil does love me. Knowing the truth would be better than her doing it a few times and then me finding out she really didn't like it. That would be terrible.

[Tracey in TX]

You did the right thing! You must be an amazing MIL and love your family very much. It's a gift to have a (somewhat) spontaneous family photo :) It's something to be cherished.

My MIL and I have a caustic relationship. I won't mold into her idea of the proper woman, and she's very uptight and not very giving or friendly with her time and emotions. We have to ask permission to even take a photo of her. My children sense the tension, so you're in an enviable position!
If the picture turns out well, will you share it?

[Merry]

I'm truly touched by all your replies. Thanks! I see that I could have commented on how sudden it all seemed and that I was feeling a bit pressured into it but then I could have agreed to go along with it. I did enjoy it later, just not in the beginning. I don't think there was a lack of respect on her part because after thinking it over, I realized that she was just doing what she does with her relatives. She's the one the ladies go to for fashion advice and she takes them shopping and helps them pick out clothes. She majored in fashion construction but stopped a couple semesters short to get married. So I think she was actually feeling more comfortable and part of the family so she wanted to do this. I feel so blessed.