Need BIG help for 11 yo ds....

[Julpost]

All of last week, I kept reminding 11 yo ds about his social studies project and asking how it was coming along. I assumed he was working on it at school since that's what he has done in the past. He assured me it was fine, fine, fine...he had it all under control and it was ready to go. WELL....I asked him about it on Friday (the day it was due) and he reluctantly admitted to me that he hadn't even done it!!

So...to begin with, we evidently have a problem with a ds who is lying to us. I thought the fact that he made the decision to admit it of his own free will was a good thing until my dh pointed out that ds probably realized we would find out about this anyway. He was actually in the middle of a lie, claiming that he hadn't turned the project in because it somehow ended up in the recycling because he had left it out on the desk, when he screwed up and ended up just admitting he had been lying the whole time.

OK...so this is just the beginning....so we were discussing this tonight when ds starts giving attitude. Things aren't going so well. Somehow, the conversation morphs to his whole life in general. Well, he starts talking about how stressed he is at school all the time, how he's stressed and hurried constantly and how it's wearing him down and "killing him." The boys in his class are notoriously vicious (the teachers are having a parent coffee with all of the parents this week to address bullying issues) and always either insulting him or tromping him at recess. He has recently started fighting back and told us stories of pushing the boys back and twisting their arms to retrieve other classmates lunch bags and return them, etc. He says a lot of this action is part in jest and part bullying. I don't quite understand that but that's as specific as he gets. I tried pinning him down on details and he just wasn't able to give them to me. BUT....he then says again how he doesn't know how long he can take this, it's too much struggling socially to keep his head above water and get good grades, that his grades are dropping, and he's just going to flip out one day. He actually then said that maybe he'd be able to hold through high school but maybe before his senior year, he'll just lose it and he might end up hurting someone and they will have to call an ambulance or he could end up KILLING someone!

YIKES! So I called my sister in Alaska (we live on the east coast), her dh is a 6th grade teacher and he was very alarmed to hear that those words came out of ds's mouth. They want us to send him up there to live with them for awhile and ds can be in her dh's class for the rest of the year. Well, thats a pretty big decision and I told her we'd have to think about it, she thinks it's a nobrainer and we should do it now. Of course, they dont' have kids so they don't quite understand how it would take a little time for me to wrap my head around that one!!

The baby just woke up crying so I've gotta run but PLEASE...does anyone have any advice??
Thanks so much!!

[Beth in Central TX]

No, I wouldn't send my son off to a relative. There are going to be plenty more character issues to deal with as he gets older. I would check into his accounts of the problems as school. You definitely want to make sure things aren't the way he is describing. HOWEVER, he just got caught telling a lie, so the chances of a little exaggeration on his part are high in my opinion.

I would let him get a "0" on the assignment as a natural consequence for not doing the work. I would also discuss with your DH the consequences of lying to you. Here's a good book about the biblical value of honor: http://www.amazon.com/Goodbye-Whining-Complaining-Attitudes-Your/dp/0877883548/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203220423&sr=8-2

[Claire]

I must be missing something, because I don't understand why you didn't mention homeschooling him as an option. In any case, I would take what he is saying about being stressed at school seriously. His school should have a *no tolerance* approach to bullying. The fact that the teachers have scheduled a parent coffee to discuss bullying issues is really over-the-top, IMO. If they have to discuss bullying, it must be an on-going issue.

As far as I can tell, the lies are just an indication that the school environment is toxic for your son.

[awanama]

BUT....he then says again how he doesn't know how long he can take this, it's too much struggling socially to keep his head above water and get good grades, that his grades are dropping, and he's just going to flip out one day. He actually then said that maybe he'd be able to hold through high school but maybe before his senior year, he'll just lose it and he might end up hurting someone and they will have to call an ambulance or he could end up KILLING someone!

I don't know you or know the situation of why your son is in school, so with no background I am going to share this. First, the lying is important and needs to get under control but the statement I quoted above is much scarier and your son needs medical attention now! This is his cry out to you mom that the situation needs immediate action because he is feeling he wants to hurt someone else!

[Julpost]

Homeschooling is definitely an option. We homeschooled him 2nd-4th grade. I got pregnant with dc#5 and that was the end of me....I thought ps would be a better place than home for him and his 2 sisters. The girls have done well, he has really struggled socially. He has always been my child who just has a hard time in groups. I must admit though, I get nervous at the thought of homeschooling again....he's going into 7th grade next year and I wonder if I'll be up to the task with a preschooler and 1 year old at home. We'll see, we're going to talk to him tomorrow some more.

[Claire]

Homeschooling is definitely an option. We homeschooled him 2nd-4th grade. I got pregnant with dc#5 and that was the end of me....I thought ps would be a better place than home for him and his 2 sisters. The girls have done well, he has really struggled socially. He has always been my child who just has a hard time in groups. I must admit though, I get nervous at the thought of homeschooling again....he's going into 7th grade next year and I wonder if I'll be up to the task with a preschooler and 1 year old at home. We'll see, we're going to talk to him tomorrow some more.

Well, if he's okay with homeschooling (and it sounds as if he might be), I'd bring him home. I would strongly consider it even if he's not sure he wants to be homeschooled again.

Whatever you do at home, it's likely to be considerably better than what he will get in school. We kept our dd out of the public school system until 9th grade because we had heard so many horror stories about middle schools in general. Dd says that everything we heard applied to the middle school her high school classmates came from. I don't know what it is about middle schools, but they seem to bring out the very worst in children.

High schools are social jungles too, but at least dd has been able to forge a healthy path through it. I'm sure we could have provided her with better academics at home, but she is one of those gregarious people who really thrives on rubbing shoulders with her peers every day.....

[Danestress]

I would not send my child to another state to live with my sister without a very good reason. With five kids, I know you are spread thin, but my guess is that sending him away now would not be best for him or for your relationship. He might end up feeling like he's being pushed aside.

Since he can't give you real details, I have to wonder how much of this is fabrication based on his high emotional state and wanting the change the subject away from his lying and not doing his school work. I am not saying I would ignore it or assume none of it is true. I would certainly be following up with some discussions at the school and also getting him in a counseling situation. And I would consider homeschooling possibly too. But this seems familiar to me in a way - my son was pretty big on "hmmm, I seem to be in trouble and my parents are on to me, what's the biggest diversionary drama I can possibly create?"

So just based on what you have said I would (1) not send him off (2) get a counseling session (3) talk to his teacher and (4) assume that, like most 11 year old, he needs more steady supervision on a biggish project - like someone to help him make a series of smaller goals and deadlines and to see that he's meeting those goals.

[Amy in Orlando]

Homeschooling is definitely an option. We homeschooled him 2nd-4th grade. I got pregnant with dc#5 and that was the end of me....I thought ps would be a better place than home for him and his 2 sisters. The girls have done well, he has really struggled socially. He has always been my child who just has a hard time in groups. I must admit though, I get nervous at the thought of homeschooling again....he's going into 7th grade next year and I wonder if I'll be up to the task with a preschooler and 1 year old at home. We'll see, we're going to talk to him tomorrow some more.

I think you need to bring him home. If need be, send the preschooler to a mom's day out or an actual preschool. Bring him home. Give him at the very least a month to "unschool" and find himself again. If he keeps talking about hurting other people or himeslf, do not hesitate to take him to your regular doctor and get a referral.

My boys are just finishing up middle school (at home) and I am stunned by how negatively so many of their friends have been affected by the middle school experience (grades 6-8). Not all of their friends, but a remarkable number.

I would NOT send him to your sister. He needs to feel like he's part of the new family you have - a big part. Bring him home, give him a couple of "real" things that he must do - incorporate him into your life and make him feel connected. How do he and your dh get along? It might be that some family counseling could help.

((()))

[Alana in Canada]

These are almost the exact reasons I brought my son home from school at the end of first grade. He was having similiar social issues...and he has a tendency to "sneak" things. It's a constant battle to stay on top of him--but it would be much much worse if he wasn't under my nose.

If you sent him to school because of baby #5 and kept your girls at home, I would imagine he feels like you don't really want him already. He needs you.

[Shannon831]

Sending him off would not even be an option for me. Obviously, you're talking to a homeschooler, so that is exactly what I would do. Now, if you really don't want to bring him home, I would consider looking into other schooling options. Are there charter or private schools in your area? Are there any non traditional private school programs available to you, that would involve a classroom setting 1-3 days a week, and a homeschool setting the rest?

[Colleen]

Your sister thinks a decision as significant as sending one's child to live across the country is a "no-brainer"? That's...interesting.

Beyond that, it seems somewhat odd to me you'd seek advice here ~ in a community that is made up primarily of homeschoolers ~ without mentioning homeschooling as an option until someone else raised the subject. Clearly, many people are going to recommend you school him at home. I can't make that judgment. I would be very suspect of a child's heart-wrenching stories about school ~ shared after being caught in a significant, ongoing lie. I would wonder if he wasn't trying to play up to my emotions and detract my attention from the issue at hand: his lie. I would find out firsthand what's going on before making any decisions regarding where to school him. The one place that would definitely not be an option would be four thousand miles away from me.