Do you feel uncomfortable with men (other than your dh)?

[BamaTanya]

We have a family friend. Actually, he was my college friend (we did not date each other), and when I started dating dh, they became friends, too. He lives pretty near, so we've seen each other a few times a year (parties, etc) most of the last 20 years.

Last year his marriage started falling apart and he started coming over pretty frequently. Most of the time it's okay. He's nice and gets along with the kiddos, etc. He'll hang around and watch videos with us or drink coffee. Pretty casual.

Dh encouraged me (a couple of times, actually) to go get coffee with him since I "need a break." I've politely declined and encouraged the 2 of them to go. This guy sometimes needed someone to talk to . . . He was very (understandably) down about the divorce.

Anyway, recently, I had promised dd a new dress and the sale was ending Sat night. Dh was feeling under the weather and I had planned to skip it. Then our friend showed up.

He was headed to the hardware store (right next to dd's dress store) and wanted to know if dh wanted to go with him.

Dh encouraged me to go, so I did. Dd went with us.

I *still* felt uncomfortable. Dh thinks I'm being silly.

Is this just my personal hang-up? Or does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh? Maybe I'm just supersensitive to "appearances."

Just curious . . .

[Mx5]

I don't feel comfortable meeting with other guys unless my dh is with me.

[Sue G in PA]

For me it's not about appearances so much as the "what if's". Sharing coffee, conversation (especially sensitive conversation re: divorce, relationships, etc.), time together laughing, remeniscing (I don't know if this is what you have or would talk about but the potential is there based on the info you gave) can innocently lead to other thoughts (not on YOUR end but very likely on his given his recent divorce and probable lonliness...my dh agrees w/this!). I would keep encouraging your dh to befriend him some more as it would help your college friend more to have a male to confide in. The dynamics btwn 2 male friends vs. a female-male frienship can be very different. The big thing here is that you feel uncomfortable. God gives us those "feelings" for a reason! (not sure if you are Christian so forgive the God reference if you are not!). Anyway, just my 2 cents.

[Michelle T]

but I tend to be shy around new people anyway. Definitely more so with men though.

DH, on the other hand, is constantly calling, emailing, going out for coffee with various female friends and coworkers. It does bother me, and I've told him so, but he does it anyway. I doubt he would care if I did the same things with male friends or coworkers, so I can't really press him on this issue.
Michelle T

[kdeno]

but not any more. I saw how friendships, without either party planning on it, can turn into much more. I think your husband is sweet and trusting, knowing you would never consider breaking his trust however I think you are prudent to avoid those situations.:)

[Mom2legomaniacs]

It would depend on who it was and where we were. Mostly, no. I am fine with being around others -- male or female. But it totally depends on the circumstances. And there have been men (and women for that matter) that I am uncomfortable around. I just don't do things with them in situations where it would not be comfortable for me if that is the case. I would have no problem meeting a male friend in certain circumstances. I have had meetings with some from church, for example. So, I can't say that it is gender specific. It is personality specific and also location for me.

[Peek a Boo]

I'm comfortable around other guys, but I agree that it is probably best to continue your course of action. I would NOT leave dh at home w/ the kids while I went 'out' w/ some other guy. maybe if a third party tagged along --yeah. having the kids [kids that are nosy and can talk, lol] along would be enough for me. feel free to show your dh this thread :)

[RoughCollie]

I have several male friends with whom I have been friends for 13-30 years, and I do not feel uncomfortable around them. Our relationships are purely platonic, of course. I am also close friends with their wives. I would go somewhere in a heartbeat with any of these guys, no problem. DH doesn't have a problem with it either.

There is no way these friends would turn into romantic relationships. All of us have integrity, we trust ourselves and one another, and our spouses trust us, too.

I don't much care what other people think. If they know me, they know what is going on. If they don't know me, I don't care what they think of me. Any unpleasant thoughts come from their heads, not mine.

Strangers, like workers who come into our home, are a different matter. I do not like being home without DH at those times.

[PariSarah]

At least when it comes to casual friendships. I have plenty of casual friendships with members of both sexes, and wouldn't hesitate to meet a guy friend in a public place for coffee, study date, what have you.

That said, I am generally careful not to be in private situations with men. Not obsessively careful, but generally careful. Many of my male colleagues tend to go out of their way not to be in private situations with women. Professors leave their door open during meetings with female students, have meetings at the coffee shop rather than in their offices, that sort of thing.

But the sort of situation you describe would make me downright antsy. It sounds like a good friend, a friend in need, who could use a lot of time with you and dh, or with your dh. But he doesn't need to be alone with you for any length of time. That's just not one of his needs right now.

[PariSarah]

Strangers, like workers who come into our home, are a different matter. I do not like being home without DH at those times.

I'm with you there. I just don't like it at all. Dh almost always schedules those sorts of things for when it's his day to be at home.

[countrykiddos]

to the point of distraction. It would be very weird for me and I don't think you're wrong to feel this way.
Besides, in the small town where I live, there would be much talking going on the next day!
Kim

[Renthead Mommy]

I so don't get this. I've never understood these threads.

We both have friends of both genders.

We have a good friend, who is a teacher. So summers he and the "nephew" fly out to see us where ever we are. The husband works, we take the kids out. At the zoo people may think we're married with 2 kids. Or they may think we just two more people they have to wait behind till they get their ice cream. Why you think anyone would care is beyond me. In the scheme of things, none of us are that important in other peoples lives.

And if you see people you know, wave and say hello. If you act all stupid and guilty, then people are going to notice. I never worry or care what people think. And I have run into people while out with Bruce, or various other friends we have. I introduce them same as I would if the friend was female.

I had a friend see my husband and another GUY friend, who was in town visiting, walking around the riverwalk. When she mentioned it to me, she was real hesitant. Like she was telling me some big secret and not sure she should tell me. I so don't get it. (Here's the best part, she knows my husband is AF, and this guy was in his Navy uniform! So yeah, they're having an affair while wondering around the Riverwalk in uniform!)
I guess I just really don't get it.

Here's a question, if you're female, (meaning anyone, not just the OP) and 'uncomfortable' going out for coffee with guy friends, does that mean that you wouldn't go out for coffee for the same reasons with a friend who is a lesbian? But would it be okay for your husband to have coffee with a lesbian? And you can have coffee with a guy that is gay?

[HappyGrace]

with anyone but his wife." I personally make it a practice to never be alone with a man other than dh. I have no male friends at all. It's too easy for one thing to lead to another, even and especially when you didn't plan on it. Even just guarding your thoughts is hard enough, even with boundaries like this in place. I'd just rather be safe than sorry.

[Ellie]

but I wouldn't be going out for coffee alone with another man, either, especially not with a man whose marriage was on the rocks.:eek:

[Laura K (NC)]

If it feels awkward to you, then don't continue. This guy might be seeing in you all the qualities he wished he saw in his own wife. You might be leading him on to think you care in a different way than you do.

I just talked yesterday with a man I know fairly well, who told me he and his wife were having problems. He is a gentle, quiet man, and when he told me he was visibly shaking with the stress of it and the burden that his son felt (his son is in my son's cub scout den). My instinct was to put my arm around him and make him feel better somehow. My mothering instinct would surely have been interpreted by somebody, maybe even him, as something other than mothering.

Keep a guard on your heart in situations where your instincts tell you something's not quite right. I personally would not be alone with a man with a troubled marriage for more than an instant.

Also, I lived in 'Bama for about 12 years, and appearances matter there more than they would in other places....

[Laura Corin]

If I actually liked the guy, and there was nothing creepy about him, then I wouldn't have a problem with it personally. On the other hand, if it doesn't feel right to you, I don't think you need to force yourself.

We have a friend who often comes to town and we always have him to stay if he does. DH is usually away (he works elsewhere from Monday to Friday) and it has never worried me that the friend is here when he isn't.

Laura

[Cadam]

I'm not uncomfortable around other men in general but the situation you are describing is inappropriate imho. I don't go out to coffee, or anywhere for that matter with other men. To dangerous, especially with a guy on the rebound. twice I have driven somewhere with my bf's dh but my dh is his bf and one of those times he was rescuing me when my car broke down. The other time was a logistical issue and we were going to meet my dh.

[battlemaiden]

I'm generally more comfortable around guys than gals, but I prefer to have my dh with me, or at the very least in a group setting.

For instance, at an evening gathering a few weeks back I spent the whole evening talking with old Navy friends of my dh's that we hadn't seen in years. We joked and laughed until I cried. It wasn't until we were about to leave that I noticed there was a whole gaggle of wives gathered around a tree. It never even occurred to me that I belonged to the gender segregated section. LOL. When I asked my dh later if it seemed weird that I spent the whole night talking with his guy friends he just laughed and said he would have worried if I had.

Having said that, meeting one on one for coffee would never happen. If I ran into a man I knew in a coffee shop I might stop and talk for a bit, but I wouldn't linger.

Jo

[GVA]

Maybe because I worked for 15 years before kids in a male-dominated field and still work part-time in a male-dominated field. I've always had lots of male friends from college and work that I'd be fine with riding along for an errand, eating lunch during work hours, etc. etc.

I'd definitely back off if there was any hint of more than friendship though, even if it was just my gut feeling like things weren't right.

[Deece in MN]

I have several male friends with whom I have been friends for 13-30 years, and I do not feel uncomfortable around them. Our relationships are purely platonic, of course. I am also close friends with their wives. I would go somewhere in a heartbeat with any of these guys, no problem. DH doesn't have a problem with it either.

There is no way these friends would turn into romantic relationships. All of us have integrity, we trust ourselves and one another, and our spouses trust us, too.

I don't much care what other people think. If they know me, they know what is going on. If they don't know me, I don't care what they think of me. Any unpleasant thoughts come from their heads, not mine.

Strangers, like workers who come into our home, are a different matter. I do not like being home without DH at those times.


I am right with you regarding your entire post.

We are very good friends with a couple of neighbors and I am completely comfortable around the husbands and dh is comfortable with the wives and we are ok with it.

I completely agree about strangers. One time a repair man came to fix a chair and I felt so uncomfortable that I ended up not answering the door. I felt a little bad, but for some reason I just had a feeling that I shouldn't open the door.

Anyway, you need to do what you feel comfortable with and don't worry that you might be "odd" (or whatever word you want to put there, I don't remember your original wording :)). Everyone is going to be different and I would honor your own level of comfort in whatever situation you are in.

[Danestress]

I'm not uncomfortable with men generally. When I worked, I felt fine having lunch with male co-workers. Sometimes I walk my dog with a guy in the neighborhood who has a dog mine loves playing with. I'm not particularly concerned with what anyone thinks about that. I have repair men here when DH is not home, and if I didn't, I would never get anything fixed:) If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, though, I am quick to act on that feeling. After I read "Protecting the Gift" I decided not to be nice anymore when someone makes me uncomfortable. I decided I would rather be slightly rude and abrupt that let my desire to be "nice" make me too inviting to predators. So I have been pretty rude a couple of times to men who made me uncomfortable. And just a little flirting would make me uncomfortable - it wouldn't have to be criminal.


I would think it's weird going out for coffee with a guy friend just because. And one going through a divorce in particular. And in any case, you don't need a reason. You need no excuse beyond "I don't want to." If you don't want to, you don't want to. If your husband thinks that's silly, that's okay. He doesn't really have to understand.

[nancypants]

Right there with ya. I don't think you're weird at all.

[BamaTanya]

but I changed my habits when I married. I still maintain friendships as long as they and dh get along. One male friend stays overnight when he's in town, and we'll stay up into the wee hours talking . . .

I'll chat with them on the phone, too, with or without dh.

Funny. I guess it's the "going out" part. :)

Dh has no jealousy at all. Of course, I've never given him reason.

[Rachel]

with everyone else.........there are a few yellow flags that come up for me
1. Recently divorced........lonely
2. Your own discomfort (I believe a lot in intuition)

If it doesn't feel right.......don't.

[WTMindy]

I don't feel uncomfortable, nor do I spend much time alone with other men. I would not have felt weird going to the store with the man. However, I think it is a good principle to not spend much time alone with another man. I might go to coffee once or twice, but certainly not often, and not if I felt uncomfortable with him.

[Kris]

Is this just my personal hang-up? Or does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh? Maybe I'm just supersensitive to "appearances."

Are you? Is it "appearances" that are bothering you or something else?

I don't worry about appearances, but I wouldn't be comfortable in the situation you are describing. Why doesn't your husband want to go have coffee with his friend? Why does he keep sending you? Maybe because the friend needs a friend right now and you're better at being a support system than he is?

Unfortunately, you aren't just on a buddy mission. This guy is really -- understandably -- upset right now and emotionally distraught. That sounds like a potential recipe for disaster to me.

Your husband needs to respect what your gut is telling you. You don't need a reason -- you don't feel right about it and that's enough.

If/when that line is crossed, even if it involves nothing more than someone saying the wrong thing, you can't fix it. Then you really *will* have a problem on your hands.

And no -- I don't have a problem being around other men. But I *have* had a problem with other men thinking that the fact that I'm nice to them is an invitation for something more. While that kind of misunderstanding can be handled immediately and effectively, it's just easier to avoid that problem in the first place.

[WendyK]

I don't feel uncomfortable around men, but that situation would make me uncomfortable. And I would be a little weirded out by my husband insisting I go out with his friend. But that is just me! :o

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am more comfortable with men in a superficial way - chatting, joking around. I'm not so good at the female "social scene". Maybe this is because I was the only girl in my mission growing up overseas. Maybe because I worked in an engineering firm with 90% men (except for the secretarial staff). Maybe because I was one of only two women getting their Masters of Divinity in seminary. But my deepest friendships (and I have been blessed with a number that are 20 year old friendships or even older) are with women.

Having said that, I am comfortable going out to a public place (ie. mall food court type of place!) with a man or a couple of men (esp. a couple of men). I am not comfortable going to a more intimate place (even public) with a man who is not my dh. I am comfortable with male friends coming to our home and/ or talking to them at church or where-ever we see each other but 90% of the time it is with their wife or my dh (or both) with us (or at least in the same building!) Or failing that, my children. Hopefully most men would avoid trying to initiate hanky-panky with my two dc staring at him! The intimate setting idea would include intimate conversation of a counseling sort. My dh (a pastor) will often include me in counseling sessions with women (even if most of the time I just sit there nodding like a wise sphynx because I think he's covering things just fine!)

[Josie]

I think the Norman Vincent Peale advice is great. I follow this even with my sister's husband. My dad and husband are really the only two men I would do things with alone. DH doesn't do stuff with females either. Just the way we are.

[LG Gone Wild]

I can see how you would want to avoid any appearances of impropriety. Plus, there is that notion of avoiding the occasion of sin. Still, in your shoes, I would totally OK with the situation.

I have to admit that I am baffled about worries of appearances. In this day and age, it's hard to imagine how appearances matter anymore.

We have a family friend. Actually, he was my college friend (we did not date each other), and when I started dating dh, they became friends, too. He lives pretty near, so we've seen each other a few times a year (parties, etc) most of the last 20 years.

Last year his marriage started falling apart and he started coming over pretty frequently. Most of the time it's okay. He's nice and gets along with the kiddos, etc. He'll hang around and watch videos with us or drink coffee. Pretty casual.

Dh encouraged me (a couple of times, actually) to go get coffee with him since I "need a break." I've politely declined and encouraged the 2 of them to go. This guy sometimes needed someone to talk to . . . He was very (understandably) down about the divorce.

Anyway, recently, I had promised dd a new dress and the sale was ending Sat night. Dh was feeling under the weather and I had planned to skip it. Then our friend showed up.

He was headed to the hardware store (right next to dd's dress store) and wanted to know if dh wanted to go with him.

Dh encouraged me to go, so I did. Dd went with us.

I *still* felt uncomfortable. Dh thinks I'm being silly.

Is this just my personal hang-up? Or does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh? Maybe I'm just supersensitive to "appearances."

Just curious . . .

[Mama Lynx]

I so don't get this. I've never understood these threads.


Here's a question, if you're female, (meaning anyone, not just the OP) and 'uncomfortable' going out for coffee with guy friends, does that mean that you wouldn't go out for coffee for the same reasons with a friend who is a lesbian? But would it be okay for your husband to have coffee with a lesbian? And you can have coffee with a guy that is gay?

For me, it has *nothing* to do with what people may or may not think. Nor does it have to do with any decision about appropriateness.

It's just that as I've been married, my male friends have moved, or I have moved. Now, I honestly don't know how to relate to a man any more. I am not even entirely comfortable being in a social situation with my good friends' husbands, men who I've known a long time, are of good character, and entirely safe. There is no rational reason for me to be uncomfortable, but I am, and that's just how it is.

I am not at all uncomfortable if my dh is alone with one of my female friends; however, I sometimes am if he is alone with a woman I don't know well. Again, it's not necessarily rational, but there it is.

It's been so long since I've been anywhere near a gay friend that I have no idea if I would feel that same uncomfortableness.

But then even back when I had guy friends, like in college - I was always a little awkward around men. Even ones who were thoroughly just friends. It's just how I am.

[Doran]

I remember a situation some years ago which made my dh very jealous -- we were both present, among a group of people, but one of our group was a guy who was the poster child for Flirt. He was married (note past tense) to a dear friend of mine and he made dh very uncomfortable. I guess dh saw through this man's "charm" and knew the fellow had ants in his pants for the wrong thing. But, after sitting next to him unaware of dh's jealousy, I was the one who took the heat later that night. Dh and I had a long, fiery debate. I expended a lot of energy and air helping him see that, although Poster Child Boy was flirting himself into a mild state (which state I shall be careful not to name!), I was nonparticipatory!! It takes two to Tango, dude. And, Flirt Face is not on my dance card.

So, to answer your question...NO!!!!...I am not uncomfortable around men, even when my husband isn't present. I have no ill intentions. I have no hanky panky in mind. And, it doesn't occur to me to care what other people think (if it occurred to me, I might care...it just doesn't).

This summer, I went to the Renaissance Festival with another woman's husband. She works and was unavailable to go with me and our kids. But, her husband was free. So, we went. Together. I learned later that a woman we both know who works Ren Fest was a-buzz after seeing us there. She, apparently, discerned that Thom and I had split up with our respective spouses and were sharing time together with our kids. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, and Thom, his wife, my dh and I got a nice chuckle out of it.

It takes two to Tango. If your dance card is all filled up with your life partner's name, AND you aren't even wearing your dancing shoes...Well, I just don't see the problem.

JM-notsohumble-O

Doran

[Elinor Everywhere]

For most of my life I've always had a lot of male friends, and quite a few male roommates (apartment-sharing) in my younger days. I enjoy their company, their conversation, and their generally laid-back style.

I'm not very domestic, which in my case means I don't cook, sew, bake, knit, crochet, or anything like that. So I very often have nothing to talk about with women! I don't enjoy conversations that go on (and on) about breastfeeding, labor pains, and all the other typical chit chat I hear at homeschool groups. Most of my female friends do not homeschool, and in fact, they work. I enjoy discussing life outside of my kids and household.

We do a lot of sailing (and racing), and that is a male-dominated sport. It's fun being with the guys, because they can just "be"--not worried about impressing anyone, how fat or thin they are, how their hair looks (we're all a bit of a mess after a day on the water), etc. I don't know...it's just more fun being with the guys.

[Amy in Orlando]

I say go with your gut. If you feel even a little uncomfortable, just say no.

[Peek a Boo]

since it's come up, I'll mention something else :-)

I am in the "appearances don't really matter to me" camp, but I do realize that our actions and appearances can have consequences. I am all set to deal w/ those consequences, but I need to be aware that the people we are with might NOT be ready for that. it can have an effect on THEIR job, THEIR reputation, and THEIR friendships. Including my own dh's.

and as others have said, i would absolutely trust my gut and insist others do too. good luck!

[kalanamak]

Is this just my personal hang-up? Or does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh? Maybe I'm just supersensitive to "appearances."

Just curious . . .

If one is unused to doing things, one can feel odd about it. I used to feel very strange changing at the gym with so many children around (I didn't care about grownups who do avert their eyes). Now I just go there and get in my suit and swim. So what if the three year old stares.

Because of my work I interact with people of all sorts, alone, in groups, in threes. They are all just people until they do something that makes s*exuality an issue (I work with the mentally ill, and I do get grabbed in the wrong places by patients. Some of the male workers get grabbed, too, so it is something that we just have to make note of, i.e. X is being hyper-s*x**l and then we all know not to have their target gender alone with them in, say, a classroom).

I personally cannot recall a co-worker being inappropriate who didn't already have glaring issues....one was a fake (no degree or license), others are big on the "twist a finger and get out on L and I for as long as possible, come back to work and do it again in a month" circuit, others lie about timecards or patient's money, people who chum up too fast and then stab their "best friend" in the back, or those that are always in "rehab". I avoid these people like the plague, and they aren't people I'd turn to privately to discuss a difficult issue and what the best course is.

In my private life, the same. Leopards no only don't change their spots...they always wear them. Thus, I feel just fine being alone with men or women, as long as they are nothing but honorable in other parts of life.

However, if I'd NEVER gone anywhere with male platonic friends, it would seem weird, but I was would labor to overcome it. I don't like having unfounded feelings, either positive or negative

[Kris]

We do a lot of sailing (and racing), and that is a male-dominated sport. It's fun being with the guys, because they can just "be"--not worried about impressing anyone, how fat or thin they are, how their hair looks (we're all a bit of a mess after a day on the water), etc. I don't know...it's just more fun being with the guys.

We do a lot of things that are "male-dominated" too -- but that's not what she's talking about.

I don't have a problem going out and doing something *with* my hubby that might be considered male-dominated -- with plenty of other males around. :-D

But the OPs husband is sending her off for coffee after dinner with this guy while he stays home with the kids. If all three of them were going out together, I wouldn't see that as a problem at all.

[BamaTanya]

Are you? Is it "appearances" that are bothering you or something else?

I don't worry about appearances, but I wouldn't be comfortable in the situation you are describing. Why doesn't your husband want to go have coffee with his friend? Why does he keep sending you? Maybe because the friend needs a friend right now and you're better at being a support system than he is?


Dh *does* go with him. Fairly often. I think dh is thinking, "Here I go out again and Tanya is stuck home with the dc again."

Dh encourages me to go out with friends, but I rarely do. I'm in limbo right now. I'm no longer homeschooling, but I don't have work colleagues, either. The friends I used to have have moved on with the different seasons of their lives (except the emotionally unstable friend I've posted about here before). When I have a free moment, I'm with my mom (terminal cancer).

Dh was meaning to go out, get a bite to eat or something, think about something else for a while. And don't be silly thinking you *shouldn't" because he's a male friend.

Anyway, dh isn't pushy. And he *is* a pal to this guy.

Maybe dh is getting a little burned out with the friend's "therapy" needs . . .

[Kris]

Maybe dh is getting a little burned out with the friend's "therapy" needs . . .

I wondered about that last night, too, if he just thought it was "your turn." How long has the divorce been going on?

[abbeyej]

A few things...

I would have no problem in general meeting a man for coffee, if we had business to discuss, or meeting another dad at the museum with our kids, etc, etc. My husband would know what I was doing (not because I was going to be with another man specifically, but because we generally discuss our plans for the day), and I wouldn't feel any guilt or embarrassment over the situation if I ran into someone I knew or if someone asked me or my husband about it later. ("Yes, I was meeting X at the coffee shop to discuss our plans for the home school chess league in the fall." "Oh, B couldn't make it to the museum on time, so she sent her husband with the kids..." etc)

That said, there *are* times when I think it's unwise to meet with someone alone. And it doesn't always have to be about s*x. When someone is going through a really stressful time, when they want to talk privately about deep feelings and find sympathy and understanding... It opens the way for a type of intimacy that *sometimes* can lead to inappropriate feelings or attachment -- even when no "actions" are obviously inappropriate. And even if those are entirely one-sided, I'd consider it my responsibility to avoid encouraging that in any way. ... "Affairs" aren't just about physical touch.

And the more intimate the feelings (not necessarily romantic) between, an unmarried man and woman, the more important I think it is to remain in public places rather than private ones. There's not going to be any accidental leaning-too-close-and-starting-something at a crowded Starbucks. Alone, late, quiet, private?

And yes, as others have said, if you're uncomfortable, that's enough.

[Laura Corin]

I'm not very domestic, which in my case means I don't cook, sew, bake, knit, crochet, or anything like that. So I very often have nothing to talk about with women! I don't enjoy conversations that go on (and on) about breastfeeding, labor pains, and all the other typical chit chat I hear at homeschool groups.

We did talk about homeschooling, but knitting? Baking? And I'm a long way past discussing breastfeeding.

Calvin was complaining about washing dishes the other day. I pointed out that I had cooked the meal and he could wash the dishes. 'But you like cooking!' he replied, then caught my eye, 'Really? You don't like to cook?'

'Why do you think I always listen to the radio when I cook? So I don't have to think about actually doing it!'

Laura

[brehon]

However, as others have said, I'm generally more comfortable around men than women anyway. Added to that my partner is a man and we've been partners for 4 years now. He's seen me through 2 pregnancies and is almost as comfortable discussing breastfeeding as my husband is! I work and live fully 1/3 of my life with him (I work 24 hours and am off 48 hours). My husband has absolutely no problem with D. and I working together. My work aside I simply generally get on better with men. My dh thinks this is really funny. :rolleyes: If you (the OP) are uncomfortable, though, by all means keep the relationship within your comfort level. That's the most important thing.

[RoughCollie]

If something like that came up, I would suggest a therapist or a marriage counselor, or both.

I make it real clear that I am not a therapist and that I don't practice divorce law.

My male friends, however, have good and strong marriages, so it doesn't come up.

Also, I am just as close to their wives as I am to them. I think of these guys as being like brothers, and their wives are like sisters to me.

I have one friend whose extroverted DH has a lot of friends -- all female. She has a big problem with that and doesn't have many friends herself. I'm in a different category because I started out knowing him, meeting her, and becoming close friends with both of them.

In another case, I was close friends with two people, introduced them, they got married, and I am still close friends with both.

I met another couple at church, and the three of us became close friends. Never had a problem there, either.

Where is DH in all this? He is completely uninterested in my friends. He is an introvert and doesn't actually like many people. The kids and I are enough for him. Once in a great while he will go out with my friends and I, but usually not.

Mind you, I have 4 kids and all but one of these couples has moved far away recently, so it's not like my life is a social whirlwind.

When someone is going through a really stressful time, when they want to talk privately about deep feelings and find sympathy and understanding... It opens the way for a type of intimacy that *sometimes* can lead to inappropriate feelings or attachment -- even when no "actions" are obviously inappropriate. And even if those are entirely one-sided, I'd consider it my responsibility to avoid encouraging that in any way. ... "Affairs" aren't just about physical touch.

[Crissy]

I am not uncomfortable with men, but I suppose that could be due to the fact that I feel very comfortable in my ability to put a man in his place if I felt he was out of line, either physically or verbally.

[Lorna]

Dh has lots of wonderful friends from his all-boys school. They are the least flirtatious bunch of men to walk the planet I think. Sadly it has led to few marriages! I am very comfortable amongst this group because they are just so respectful, know me only as a wife and mother, and they are very traditional. They are like a bunch of brothers and I am very pleased to have them as friends because they are always there for us.
However, I really dislike being around other men on my own. I have had friend's husbands get drunk and flirt. This I find revolting and disturbing enough to break off any friendship with a friend because of it. Nowadays, sadly, I believe my husband's school friends are quite unique. I am afraid I don't like to go anywhere without my husband or the children. On the rare occasions I have been alone I really notice men behaving quite differently with me and invading my space considerably more.

[dangermom]

I would be very uncomfortable with the OP's situation. In our marriage, our deal is that we don't spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. Certainly I have guy friends, but there's no reason to go out alone with them; I'd go in a group. To us, it just makes sense and isn't difficult at all.

I'm comfortable with men as friends, but in group settings.

[Peek a Boo]

Tanya-- I would tell dh that you BOTH need to tell this guy *no* for awhile. If you think your dh is getting burned out being this guy's crutch, help him say NO. This guy may be a friend, but if he drives a wedge between you and your dh then y'all will be in HIS situation eventually, lol.

Back Away From The Lonely Guy. he's an adult --suggest alternatives: a game. a church. a support group. whatever. But limit your support for this guy to maybe once a week. Take time for your family and OWN it.

Rough Collie-- I think you hit the nail on the head w/ your situation: they are all positive, strong, established relationships. That makes a huge difference :-) I think it's great that you have those opportunities!

[DIY-DY]

I *still* felt uncomfortable. Dh thinks I'm being silly.

Is this just my personal hang-up? Or does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh?

Not like I have anything new to add to this discussion, but I did want to encourage you. :)

This is your friend, and that is fantastic that your DH can honor that friendship that you brought into your life w/ DH over the years. (My beloved DH has put up with more than his fair share of male friends of mine over the years. The quality ones, who are respectful of our marriage, have stayed and are now friends of his, as well. So, no, I'm not uncomfortable around men, per se.)

However, circumstances do change, and right now, if your spider sense is saying, "This has the potential to be uncomfortable (or bad, or whatever)," then you need to honor that feeling. Your friend is in a vulnerable spot right now. A place you are not in, and you could easily come to represent, to him, an escape from the place he IS in. That's not a position you really want to put yourself in (nor would your DH, if you asked him like that, I'm sure).

I've had to look my DH squarely in the eye more than once and say, quite simply, "I'm not asking you to agree, or even to understand, my perspective on this situation. I'm asking you to respect my feelings and back me up, simply because you love me." Since I am careful not to abuse this request, or use it as leverage to just do what I wanna do when I wanna do it, DH has come to understand that if I ask this, then it's *that* important to me, and he is happy to comply, even if it does increase my "wacky wife-o-meter" for a time. Generally, by the time a situation plays out, my reasons for making the request become crystal clear. This understanding has saved us a lot of frustration (with each other, and with outlying circumstances) over the years.

Hope you can find a good answer, and that your friend can find some comfort and healing as he moves into a new chapter in his life.
Dy

[Holly IN]

I didn't read any replies so I am answering OP question...

Yes I do if they are not my relatives. Now I will talk to my co-workers at work. There is a co-worker that I refuse to be around (he was let go last Friday so I do not have to worry about that anymore). As far as going with dh's friend like in your situation, yes that would make me very uncomfortable.

I do not think you are being silly. I would feel much better if dh was with me in that situation.

Holly

[cin]

I have just skimmed the responses, so if I am repeating, please forgive me. I do not spend time alone with any men, except my physician. Even my OBGYN has a nurse in the room during the exam. I know the verse in 1 Thessalonians is up for debate, but to me, avoiding all appearances of evil keeps me from falling into any traps of evil. That's my personal thoughts.

Other thoughts....Being alone with another mancan cause speculation and if the other person is at all unscrupulous, it could turn into a 'he said she said' situation. So in that sense, you are protecting yourself.

Now from a deeply personal experience. My dh carpooled with a girl that he worked with. I also knew her, and we were arranging some playdates. DH told me that her marriage was troubled. He was trying to advise and support her. A week later, he told me that some OTHER things were also happening, in the stairwell, at work. Was he planning on cheating on me? Nope. Was he flirting with her? Nope Were they discussing personal issues? Yup, and that creates intimacy that should NOT be there.

So, there are my thoughts on this whole issue. Don't put yourself in a situation that could lead to problems. Don't play with fire.

[Tami]

No, I am very comfortable with men. I enjoy their company in groups, but it would be unacceptable to me to be alone with one. It has nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable, but more of a boundary issue.

This is one way that I make my marriage an absolute priority, and close the door to the remotest possibility of adultery or rape. As a married woman, I would never be in the company of another man for any reason. That is my choice, and so no, I wouldn't go to the store with a family friend.

I have known friends over the years who, sadly, have had affairs. It always starts with the belief that one could never succumb to that particular temptation, and that the other person is "just a friend."

I think there is wisdom is setting boundaries and standards high.

[kdeno]

I have known friends over the years who, sadly, have had affairs. It always starts with the belief that one could never succumb to that particular temptation, and that the other person is "just a friend."

People who I love and would never plan for something like this to happen.

[Elinor Everywhere]

We did talk about homeschooling, but knitting? Baking? And I'm a long way past discussing breastfeeding.
Laura

And how you are one of the few homeschooling moms I have really enjoyed hanging out with & chatting. I'll miss that!

[Elinor Everywhere]

We do a lot of things that are "male-dominated" too -- but that's not what she's talking about.

I don't have a problem going out and doing something *with* my hubby that might be considered male-dominated -- with plenty of other males around. :-D

But the OPs husband is sending her off for coffee after dinner with this guy while he stays home with the kids. If all three of them were going out together, I wouldn't see that as a problem at all.

I can see what you're saying, but the question she asked (and I was answering) was this: Does anyone else feel weird with a male friend and without dh?

And my answer was, no. Many times I am racing on boats with all men, without my dh. Most are daytime regattas, a few are overnight distance races. I've had (and continue to have) male friends that I have lunch with or visit without my dh. No big deal; they are just friends and I enjoy their company for the reasons I stated previously.

However, if one of them made me feel uncomfortable or I got a sense that they were trying to take it to the next level (so to speak), I would drop them like a hot potato. I don't like flirting because I believe so often it DOES lead to something else. But with a male *friend*, without my dh, I don't feel weird.

[Plaid Dad]

Coming at this from the other side...

I'm used to being the only dad among homeschooling moms, and frankly, I enjoy the company of women more than the company of men. My oldest and dearest friend in the world (other than my dw) is a woman. But I am also very aware that what I may think of as friendly interest can be perceived as flirtation. It doesn't help that I am completely and totally clueless about flirting and always have been. (My dw and I didn't see each other again for six months after our first date because neither of us picked up on the other's interest. :eek:) I like my female friends and the last thing I want to do is make them feel awkward around me, so I am very careful to avoid anything that might be misconstrued.

So I can completely understand being uncomfortable in the situation the OP described. In fact, if I were in the lonely friend's position, I think I would be very self-conscious about discussing my grief over a failed relationship with a woman, even if I considered her a close friend. The intimate nature of those discussions might lead to an awkwardness that could damage the existing friendship. Things one man can say to another without blinking would be way, way TMI with a woman.

It does sound like the sad friend needs support, but I'd lean toward that support coming from the OP's dh, or perhaps from them both as a couple. It doesn't really serve anyone's needs to get into a situation where one person feels terribly awkward.

[Elinor Everywhere]

Coming at this from the other side...
In fact, if I were in the lonely friend's position, I think I would be very self-conscious about discussing my grief over a failed relationship with a woman, even if I considered her a close friend. The intimate nature of those discussions might lead to an awkwardness that could damage the existing friendship. Things one man can say to another without blinking would be way, way TMI with a woman.

Excellent point, Plaid Dad. I was kind of hoping you'd chime in. :)

One thing about my male pals, is that we DON'T discuss my relationship with my dh (or their relationship with their spouse/girl friend). If they want to talk about that stuff, they do it with my dh. We just talk about sports, politics, religion, parenting, etc. Mostly, it seems we spend time *relaxing*, just talking about nothing. It's the NOT talking about relationships that is so refreshing, since that seems to be all many women want to talk about!

[momo4]

When I was younger I didn't think much about it, but now that I am older and wiser. (LOL) I know that most men have a very hard time being just friends. I feel very uncomfortable around men without dh around. I really don't like being out alone at all, I almost always have an escort child or dh.

Dh is very suspicious of all men and would not like it. I also would not like him to have a female friend.

[dangermom]

Things one man can say to another without blinking would be way, way TMI with a woman.
Oh, ain't that the truth. Your post strongly reminded me of when we had our own "friend-with-failed-marriage"--only it was more complex than that, we met him at church while he was in rehab (and he's still sober! Yay!). A very nice man with no clue whatsoever. My husband did some things with him, but one day he was in our home and, when my husband went into the kitchen, he suddenly told me some things about his marriage that were way TMI that my husband already knew all about. I didn't know where to look and was very glad to escape the room!

[StaceyinLA]

I do think that in this situation, where he might really NEED someone to talk to/lean on, it could lead into something else (for him), mainly because he is hurting from the loss of his wife.

With dd along, I'd have been fine, but I can certainly understand your POV. And it may be totally fine. If he is genuinely a friend of both of you, he would probably not allow it to go any further.

You still need to do what is comfortable for you and explain your feelings to your hubby.

[PrairieAir]

I wouldn't feel the least bit uncomfortable going for coffee or hanging out alone with a male friend, especially one I've known for so long and with whom I have a genuine friendship.

When I was a Scout leader, I went on trips several times where one of the other guys and I were the only adults with the kids. It was not awkward or uncomfortable because both of us had very solid marriages and neither of us would have entertained thoughts about the other. He was not unattractive and he was someone I enjoyed being around, but I think that both of us had (and have) far too much respect for our spouses, ourselves, and each other. I have known other female Scout leaders who said that there was no way they would put themselves in that position. There was one male Scout leader I would have avoided because I didn't trust him and he made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't have called him a friend, though.

I do think it's best to be careful. You have to guard your heart and not allow the wrong kinds of thoughts to creep in. Never complain about your spouse to a friend of the opposite sex (if at all). Never lean on someone else when you should be looking for your spouse's support. Be sympathetic without allowing him to depend on you emotionally or allowing yourself to become too emotionally available. Does that make sense?

I also think what Plaid Dad said is a good rule in general. Talking about relationships is probably not the best way to support your friend. Just being there and being a friend is enough without going into too many details of his failed marriage.

My thoughts on this are a little scattered. From the original post, it didn't sound like you were uncomfortable because of the way this guy has acted, so I have to say this situation would not make me nervous if I was in your shoes. Just be cautious.

I definitely disagree with what someone said about it being difficult for men to "just be friends" with a woman. I've had many male friends. Often I find men easier to get along with than women. I've never had a problem with a male friend remaining a friend only. I've never gotten the sense that there was any sort of temptation for any of my male friends. (There's a distinction here between male friends and male acquaintances with whom I would NOT be having coffee or conversation alone.) Maybe I'm just completely clueless or totally unattractive. :rolleyes:

My own experience tells me that the fault doesn't just lie with men. There are just as many women who seem to have trouble not trying to attract men's attention and just being friends with men as there are men who have trouble being just friends with women. If you keep the boundaries clearly drawn on both sides, I don't see a problem with even close friendships between men and women.

[Joanne]

I am comfortable around men and women.

I would not be comfortable going out in the situation as described.

DH, on the other hand, is constantly calling, emailing, going out for coffee with various female friends and coworkers. It does bother me, and I've told him so, but he does it anyway. I doubt he would care if I did the same things with male friends or coworkers, so I can't really press him on this issue.

I am not suggesting that this DH is having an affair. But those continued actions combined with my DH knowing my feelings quite possibly would be a deal breaker.

[Joanne]

I would also highly recommend to the hurting man:

http://www.divorcecare.com/

[Call Me Cordelia]

Just chiming in now. It totally depends on the situation and the man for me. My husband works with 98% women and therefore is in contact with them daily. At his previous job, I had huge issues with his boundaries and those of the women with whom he worked. Or lack thereof! He did not care what I thought. Turns out I was right to be concerned, although nothing "happened" in the typical "something happened" sense.

I used to say things like, "I will never be alone with another man." Then I started working for a man who goes to our church and was around him and his eight children and my five children frequently. It could have been awkward, but it was never a him and me hanging out kind of thing. Sometimes we ended up taking the kids to the park together, but because there were 13 of them and 2 of us, it's not like we were "together!" We certainly did not plan social outing with just the two of us, etc...

My boss is now a man and we will be alone together at work doing inventory at least once a month. I'm not really worried. Of course, I'm also probably old enough to be his...older sister! Much older sister.

At any rate, I do have some internal boundaries in place as opposed to having "rules and regulations." Much depends on the where the heart of those involved is.