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JennifersLost
11-24-2008, 08:58 PM
My tenth grader just turned in an essay that I think is horrendous, but before I go off the deep end on this kid, I'm wondering if someone else would take a look at it and tell me what overall grade they'd give it. It's about 3 single-spaced pages.


Here it is:

Was King Arthur a Real Historical Figure?



If there was any truth behind the legends of King Arthur of Camelot is a very debated fact among historians. It is likely that there was some truth to the legends, but exactly how much reality there was is not known, and as of yet can not be accurately stated. If there was a real figure behind the myths and legends, he may have been a valiant hero who managed to drive the Saxons out of England, or may have simply been a ruler who's accomplishments were blown out of proportion.

King Arthur lived around the fifth or sixth century A.D., though the legends about him didn't become widely popular until the twelfth century when Geoffrey of Monmouth wrote his Historia Regum Britanniae. This book presented British history from when Aeneas first made his journey to Rome up until the end of King Arthur's rule in Britain. The Historiae was one of the first sources from which information about the historicity of King Arthur was taken into consideration as evidence. The sources used by Geoffrey of Monmouth are a disputed topic, however. He claimed that he translated the contents of another ancient book from Latin, but no evidence has been found of this 'ancient book', and it seems likely that he used other histories of his time as references.

The content of the Historia Regum Britanniae was originally looked upon as a true history of Britain, but now, even though it does contain some truth, it is dismissed as historical evidence by scholars. This is especially true for the existence of King Arthur, as no one is quite sure where Geoffrey of Monmouth obtained his information about the king. The only source cited was, “a very ancient book in the Latin tongue.” Most of the book seems to be from other histories of the time, however, such as Bede's Historia Eecclesiastica Gentis Anglorum, and Nennius' History of the Britons. A fair amount of the work may also have been completely from Geoffrey of Monmouth's imagination, rendering it useless as historical information.

There were stories and legends of King Arthur being told even before he began to become widely popular in Britain. These works varied from one to the other widely, but each had the same King Arthur featured or mentioned briefly in them. The texts include works such as Y Gododdin, and the Annales Cambriae. The Annales Cambriae had the best evidence of a King Arthur, as every other historical figure mentioned in the work had been proved to be genuine. It emerged long after the original time of Arthur however, and so the legends passed down may have easily been muddled. This and the reason that its sources were incredibly wide and diverse caused historians to disregard it as any evidence.

There have been multiple findings of inscriptions on stones or tablets that are thought by some as evidence to show that King Arthur existed. One such inscription was found on the Arthur Stone, a stone found in Tintagel Castle in Cornwall, England. This stone was dated at around the sixth century A.D., and the markings on it seemed to point to the existence of King Arthur. The inscription, however, was very roughly scratched into the stone, and is labeled more of a historical graffiti than actual evidence of a real Arthur. It was found being used as part of a drain in the castle, broken in two halves, meaning that its value was not very great. Other inscriptions found on various objects, including the Glastonbury Cross, which was found at what was believed to be Arthur's grave site, are suspected of forgery, and to this day none can be proved as significant evidence.

Some believe that the King Arthur of the legends may be based on a king who was not from England, but from another part of Great Britain entirely. For example, there is evidence to support a King Arthur from Wales. One of the sources which provides such evidence is a short history written by the monk Nennius, in which there is a passage mentioning a leader named Arthur. This leader was claimed to have won twelve separate battles against the invading Saxons, but this is where the fault in the evidence lies. Two of these battles, the Battle of Badon and the Battle of the City of Legion, were fought one hundred years apart. It would be almost impossible for a ruler to live that long and still be able to carry out a battle. Along with this, the passage never states who exactly this Arthur was, or where he came from, meaning that it quite possibly was not have the same Arthur. These inaccuracies and flaws in the work caused it to become disregarded as any sort of proof.

As of yet, no verified records of King Arthur have been discovered between the years four hundred A.D. To eight hundred A.D., and, since this was around the time that he would have lived, this is yet more support for the assumption that there was not a real King Arthur. It was still possible that stories of him were simply passed from mouth to mouth through the generations, but the change these stories would have experienced would be greater than if they had been written down, meaning that they could not be fully trusted as sources. This isn't to say that King Arthur wasn't based on another historical figure, however, perhaps another king in that era who helped drive the Saxons from England.

It is possible that King Arthur may have been based upon any number of other rulers or kings, particularly given the fact that there doesn't seem to be a time period which there wasn't a king other than Arthur ruling. This theory is the one most widely held when inquiring into the reality of King Arthur, but even now there is no one king who is currently thought of to be the basis for the legends. There have been many candidates, but none of them have provided enough evidence to be held as the basis for the legends of King Arthur.

One emperor who may have been the basis for the legends of King Arthur was Ambrosius Aurelianus, who was a leader of the Romano-British army. Like the legendary Arthur, he won a major battle against the Anglo-Saxons of England, though the victory did not drive them from their territory. He is mentioned in multiple works of literature, mainly the Historia Regum Britanniae, the Historia Britonum, and the sermon De Excidio Britanniae.

From the work still available, it appears that Ambrosius was of Roman decent, though it was also possible that he was himself a Romano-Briton. This conflicts with the story of King Arthur as Arthur was born in England. Ambrosius may have been born elsewhere, quite probably outside the British Isles entirely. Another point against him is the fact that many of the sources where information about him is found are inaccurate. For example, Geoffrey of Monmouth's Historiae Regum Britanniae, is one of the places where he is mentioned, a source proven to have multiple flaws. As well, the dates given for certain battles that were won by King Arthur and Ambrosius give more reason to suspect that the two were not one and the same. In De Excidio Britanniae, Ambrosius is told to have defeated the Saxons at the battle of Mons Badonicus. At the point in time when this battle was fought, King Arthur would have been at least seventy four years old. It is not as unbelievable as him leading a battle when he was over one hundred, but still very unlikely for that time period.

Another historical figure who could possibly be the basis for the King Arthur legends was Lucius Artorius Castus, a military commander in ancient Rome. The only evidence which remains of Lucius today are three fragments from an ancient sarcophagus which he was thought to be buried in, and one memorial plaque near the Chapel of St. Martin. The lack of evidence gives historians enough cause to dismiss the evidence provided, but just these four pieces of evidence have given archaeologists a good deal of information about Lucius.

The inscriptions on the coffin were dated at before the year two hundred, which is off the track of the dates that King Arthur was thought to have lived around. The inscriptions on the sarcophagus suggest that Lucius was a commander of a Roman army in Britain, and from this information some historians have come to believe that he was the leader of the army in the expedition to Armorica, which was the only military movement around that time. This mission was documented, but a name for the leader was never given, making it possible that Lucius could have been the one in charge of the army. A point of conflict arises between the story of Lucius Artorius Castus and the legends of King Arthur, which is that Lucius never led an army against any battles to drive the Saxons out of the Britons' territory. For this reason, some have been led to believe that it is possible that the stories of Lucius began as local legends which eventually grew to encompass the Saxon invasions. No one can be sure of this though, so a link between King Arthur and Lucius Artorius Castus can still not definitely be drawn.

It seems likely that the mystery of King Arthur may never be solved, and he will remain a shadowy figure from the past for the rest of time. While no one has been able to disprove the existence of Arthur to a satisfactory extent, no one has been able to prove it either. So while evidence almost certainly keep popping up over the years to come, there may always be a way to disprove the evidence as much as use it for support. It may continue in this way until the end of time.

Jan P.
11-24-2008, 11:04 PM
Hey Jennifer,

I'm not the best in grading essays, but I don't think it is horrendous. There is plenty of "good stuff" in there, but the verbage weighs it down. I don't know if I would just hand a grade over this. Could you return it to your dc and have him work on specific things? For instance so much of the paper is written in the passive voice. I see "was" all over the place. Most papers are more interesting in the active voice. Have your child read the paper out loud. He should find some glaring mistakes. I do think your child has a good grasp of the subject. I've read many books about King Arthur, and the case your ds makes is pretty much what I've come to understand too. If your dc is quoting or finding information from specific sources then he needs to use the MLA or other form for citing the source. I know that he mentions several antiquated books, so I'm not exactly sure how they would be cited.

Since you are not sure how to grade the essay, perhaps you could find a good rubric to use to grade the paper. Hand the rubric to your dc and show him what is expected of him. Let him do a rewrite to conform to the rubric. I hate using the word "conform", but I'm not sure what else to say at this point. If you still can't come up with a grade then try out Cindy Marsch. She is an excellent writing teacher, and for a fee she will grade your dc's writing.

FloridaLisa
11-24-2008, 11:41 PM
My tenth grader just turned in an essay that I think is horrendous, but before I go off the deep end on this kid, I'm wondering if someone else would take a look at it and tell me what overall grade they'd give it.


I wouldn't classify it as horrendous. Needs some work, but not in the there's-nothing-salvageable category. :001_smile:

Did you give him a rubric? Is this for some reason completely outside of the assignment you gave him? I actually don't grade my dc's writing. It seems a bit counterintuitive to me as I figure we're going to be rolling up our sleeves and working through the writing. I'm not after a grade as much as helping them get their work to the next level. Plus, it's so subjective and I have little comparison outside my home.

So, I'm not much help! But, I thought I'd pipe in and stick up for your ds before he caught it. :001_smile: Man, if you only saw my 10th grade writing!

Lisa

JennifersLost
11-25-2008, 12:08 AM
Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath.

I'm mad because I already handed it back once. I told him "this is written almost completely in the passive voice! Go back and change it." (There is a bibliography - I just didn't include it)

The awkwardness of it all is what is really bugging me. It's also bugging me that we've done very few writing assignments because he's been so adamant that he knows everything there is to know about writing (because the last few years at public school he got A's on everything).

I'm going to mark it up and hand it back to him, and we're just going to do a LOT more writing practice.

Thanks for calming me down, folks.

Cedarmom
11-25-2008, 02:34 AM
The essay has a lot of great information. It is well organized. He obviously knows his stuff, and has some great sources. I liked the suggestion about using active voice. I would also ask him whether he thinks Arthur was real or not. I think deciding this would give the essay more focus. As it is, he is just giving me information, and it sounds a little like a list. If he says he doesn't know what he believes, I would ask him to tell me why it is an important question to ask. Why are people so curious even now? Why is Arthur still so interesting. If he believe Arthur is real/legend, what led him to that belief?

Nicole M
11-25-2008, 10:10 AM
I would be ecstatic if my son wrote this. I agree with the others, though. When I was in school, my teachers never simply handed a paper back and said, "too much passive voice, rewrite it." So I would encourage you to mark it up; your idea is a good one. I think the red pen (or whatever) underlining all the passive voice sentences would be a serious wake up call, and would get you out of the equation. Sometimes my son is resistant to my corrections, and his resistance is about me, not the writing. I let the pen do the talking. :D

Kanga
11-25-2008, 03:10 PM
It is normal to react violently when you know your child is working below the level of their capabilities! If your neighbor's kid wrote this paper it would not be horrendous, admit it!;)

I would start by underlining the actual words that are awkward or passive. For the first couple of underlined passages I would make actual suggestions for changed wording, so my dc could see what I expected. After that I would just underline and write awk., p.v., etc.

I would write a note at the top telling my dc that I wanted them to be bold and take ownership of their ideas. That is the best way I have found to make the passive voice disappear from papers.

Also, I would tell your ds that his paper would receive an A in public school, but you want him to be able to write a college level paper when he arrives at college. You might point out that if he can write well, he will be able to test out of an English class or two when he goes to college.

Ellie
11-25-2008, 03:46 PM
If there was any truth behind the legends of King Arthur of Camelot is a very debated fact among historians. It is likely that there was some truth to the legends, but exactly how much reality there was is not known, and as of yet can not be accurately stated. If there was a real figure behind the myths and legends, he may have been a valiant hero who managed to drive the Saxons out of England, or may have simply been a ruler who's accomplishments were blown out of proportion.
There's a lot of redundancy here, not to mention the poor grammar overall.

"If there was any truth behind the legends of King Arthur of Camelot is a very debated fact among historians." What??

"It is likely that there was some truth to the legends, but exactly how much reality there was is not known, and as of yet can not be accurately stated." What??

"If there was a real figure behind the myths and legends, he may have been a valiant hero who managed to drive the Saxons out of England, or may have simply been a ruler who's accomplishments were blown out of proportion." What??? And there's "who's" instead of "whose."

Just the first paragraph alone reminds me of a student I once had who had been taught in public school to pad her writing. It took me all year to teach her not to do that, that less is more. He has put as many words as possible in that paragraph so that it looks as if he's saying way more than he is.

It isn't "horrendous," but it needs major editing. Possibly you could spend time teaching him to write using fewer words but better chosen ones, KWIM?

MBH
11-25-2008, 06:19 PM
You mentioned that this essay is horrendous. I would not put it in that category.

Another way of looking at it is to view it as a rough draft. Your son could use this essay to improve his editing skill, an ability all great writers acquire, refine and practice.

He could focus on three areas: overall organization, grammar and use of sources.

Here are just a couple of starter ideas:
1) Identify the main idea in each paragraph. This step will bring to light problems with the flow of thought. He could also describe how each sentence relates to the other sentences and helps to develop the main idea of the paragraph
2) Readers might benefit from a chronological presentation of the material.
3) Using the Word Count tool, he could determine the words in a given paragraph. Then you could ask him to see how many fewer words he could use to express the same content. He might think of the process as a game rather than an exercise.
4) There are several grammar issues that he should try to find before you identify them for him.
5) Others have mentioned the passive voice issue
6) He has nicely identified some pertinent sources. He should refine that information by using quotations and properly constructed footnotes. As presently written the essay does not present the full force of the sources. They seem confused and contrived, almost as if the writer has forced them into the essay. Using quotations and proper citations would add a different tone and authority to the evidence. The essay would have more punch.