At the bitter end--feeling a little, well, bitter

[Chris in VA]

I can't think of the right word. I'm down on myself because I went back to work this Fall, and left my 19yods to finish his Sr. year at home, basically on his own. He's earning a full credit of English in one semester (using Progeny Press' Poetry, 50 Great Short Stories, and literature from several time periods), probably a full credit of Trig, .5 credit of Environmental Science, and .5 of Am. Gov., and that's about it. I may give him a credit of Spanish, as he did about half a CC course before dropping out, and has been working thru Visual Link.

I wrote out a schedule for him, and check in periodically, but the check-ins are not regular, we don't really discuss much, and I can't even say, "He's self-educating" with a clear conscience. I am just kicking myself for basically abandoning him his last semester. I feel so --stupid? Guilty? Yes, guilty, that's it, probably. I want to quit my job, work with him, and then go back to my job, knowing he got what he needed, and that I did everything I could to provide a top-notch education for him. But I need my job, and I'm exhausted, and I feel depressed, too--and I am thinking he should have gone to school this year.

I don't like this part of my life.

[JudoMom]

:grouphug:, Chris.

[elegantlion]

I can't think of the right word. I'm down on myself because I went back to work this Fall, and left my 19yods to finish his Sr. year at home, basically on his own. He's earning a full credit of English in one semester (using Progeny Press' Poetry, 50 Great Short Stories, and literature from several time periods), probably a full credit of Trig, .5 credit of Environmental Science, and .5 of Am. Gov., and that's about it. I may give him a credit of Spanish, as he did about half a CC course before dropping out, and has been working thru Visual Link.

I wrote out a schedule for him, and check in periodically, but the check-ins are not regular, we don't really discuss much, and I can't even say, "He's self-educating" with a clear conscience. I am just kicking myself for basically abandoning him his last semester. I feel so --stupid? Guilty? Yes, guilty, that's it, probably. I want to quit my job, work with him, and then go back to my job, knowing he got what he needed, and that I did everything I could to provide a top-notch education for him. But I need my job, and I'm exhausted, and I feel depressed, too--and I am thinking he should have gone to school this year.

I don't like this part of my life.

:grouphug: You've been through a lot this year. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. As someone who has read your posts about your struggles I am constantly amazed by the encouragement you have given to others. I see you as someone who perseveres through the struggles of life. I've been encouraged by your attitude while reading reading about some of your challenges. You turn around the same day and help people with their curriculum issues, offer prayer and help for those who need a boost.

If you son sees even a glimpse of that perseverance then he has learned something more valuable than anything academic.

Isaiah Chapter 61 stand out to me today. Verse 7 says
"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs."

May everlasting joy be yours today and always.

[Nan in Mass]

and now I'm supposed to be doing something else. Sorry.
In essense, it said (other than lots of hugs):
Sometimes being a mother (being an emotionally stable adult available to help your son and providing for him) is more important than giving your son the best possible education. A mediocre education and a stable home life are better. Sounds like this is the choice you have made, and it is a good one.
Also, the point of homeschooling is to produce an adult who can self-educate for the rest of his life, right? Perhaps you can think of this year as the transition year between being educated by you and self-educating. This is the year he tries out the stuff you've shown him on his own, with you there to help occasionally. No, he won't do as good a job as you would, but the same thing happens whenever you teach a child to do a task you've been doing. I'm suffering through badly washed dishes this year as my youngest gets used to doing them. I know that after a bit, he'll do a better job, but he won't if he doesn't get a chance to practise.
It feels very weird, though. I know. My older one is only doing literature with me this year, and I know that if I were helping him daily with his French, CC pre-calc, and CC chem, he'd be getting better grades. On the other hand, I think it is good for him to practise now, with a smaller load and with me here to help out occasionally, before he gets to college next year and has to deal with a larger one on his own. I miss him though.

Hugs
-nan

[Mandy in TN]

:grouphug:

My oldest ds is outsourced this year and I often look at what he is doing and wonder if I should have just put him in school. I wonder- wouldn't he learn more if he were with a teacher each day. Frankly, it scares me.

OTOH- maybe he will have better time management skills than his peers during their frashman year of college. I just don't know.

Again, :grouphug:-
Mandy

[GVA]

We're wrestling with similar issues but at an earlier point in the scheme of things -- DH may retire on disability, and I may go back to work, maybe doing a one-semester teaching certificate to teach in the public school. IF DH takes over homeschooling, he's not going to be able to monitor and teach like I am because he's very groggy most of the time and doesn't have a lot of energy. So the DC will be largely teaching themselves, and I grieve over that. I can't imagine what it will be like working, doing all the home/yard stuff, and monitoring their homeschooling. I still think that sending them to PS would be a disaster though, so it's a big trade-off. They'll be more challenged at home and more emotionally balanced, even if the quality isn't what I'd like. The schools here are so-so for middle school and up, and they really don't accomodate advanced kids very well at that level.

I can't imagine that the transition for one year in your case would be worth it.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

Don't beat yourself up over one or two semesters. I have had MUCH more than just two semesters of "NON teaching".

Maybe you could schedule an hour a week for a "school meeting" with him. I do that with my high schoolers. Although we don't "meet" every week. During the meeting, we basically discuss progress and interesting topics they've come across. I'd love to be able to have school meetings at a coffee shop, but we live too far out these days for that.

[Beth in SW WA]

I don't like this part of my life.

I'm sorry, Chris!! Hang in there -- w/ Jesus, of course!! :)

[Valerie(TX)]

Aww, Chris. I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this.



I know what it's like to have to live with things not being the ideal we expected or worked so hard for. :crying: (Laughable grammar -- sorry!!)

Dh keeps reminding me that the healthiest role I can play at this point is to be a supportive *mom* --it's hard!

CC from here on, skip if desired. :)

May God encourage you and I will pray that The Deceiver will have no access to plant discouraging, disheartening thoughts.

{{{Chris}}}

[Starr]

Chris I think you are a champ! What a time for you and still able to encourage others. :grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

Chris,:grouphug:
I felt this way with my oldest dd- different specifics but same outcome. 3 years later she is doing just great! She's traveled the globe, learned 3 languages, is in college, knows how to study, votes and is happy.
The foundation is more important than the window treatments.
Praying that the verse Paula shared takes root in you today. :grouphug:
Lisa