Anyone else have a very difficult child?

[Wendi]

I need some encouragement. We have been trying to help ds with behavior problems since he was 3yo; he just turned 12yo. Here's what we know: he has a language disorder (most expressive, but some receptive), he has sensory integration disorder (he went to OT for awhile). Last year, his general anxiety turned into OCD; amino acid supplements from the naturopath have helped tremendously with that. He's extremely bright/borderline gifted.

Problems:
moody, irritable, explosive, oppositional
poor peer relations; outgoing and funny, but doesn't know how to manage problems; frequently complains that others "just don't like him" or are "mean" for no reason
hyperactive, impulsive, immature
silly and annoying when he should be serious
Jekyll & Hyde: when he's good, he's sweet, funny, likeable, smart; at the drop of a hat, changes into moody, negative, oppositional
lacks self-control
tends to see himself as a victim (others "don't understand him" or provoked him)
low tolerance for frustration (and will react explosively to frustration, yelling, crying, biting himself)

This is a great kid. We love him with all our hearts. He has the potential to be an amazing, creative, high-energy, successful person. But these behavior issues (which he will say he doesn't like either) are interfering with his life, as well as our family life.

We are considering that he may be bipolar. We'll be seeing his psychiatrist soon.

Any insights, encouragement, advice?

Wendi

[jensway]

I would get in touch with the occupational therapist that he saw. Express to them your concerns and see if they would recommend another evaluation. Maybe his behavior is just behavior that needs to be modified or maybe there is something else going on.

A book that helped me was The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene.

[Kathy in MD]

I'm not familiar with bipolar problems, but my ds has suffered from many of your ds's problems and a multitude of problems contributed to them. Some of what helped him might help your ds.

Food sensitivities can cause impulse control problems, which for our ds meant that his temper was explosive. The 2 most common causes are dairy (the cassien protein to be specific) and wheat. Do a search under my name for how to test for dairy. Sorry, but I can't help with wheat testing. There could be some other food allergies contributing to this.

Both the language problems and the SID/SPD (new name) can contribute to social interaction problems. Because my ds had no idea of where his body was in space or his own strength, prior to OT he would literally hurt his classmates, but he never realized it. Needless to say he had very few friends. His language problems also made it difficult. He couldn't participate in conversations and his tone of voice was generally aggressive. His word choice often was rude as well. His ST worked extensively with him on developing expressive and receptive language. But she also stressed tone of voice and general conversational skills.

Role modeling, or play acting, through various, typical social situations might also help your ds deal with his peers and problem resolution.

Low frustration tolerence is a side effect from the SID. What has helped my ds is breaking things into smaller steps for him, explicit instructions and modeling before turning him loose, working with him through the frustration to success. Also I've worked on being less critical. However my ds can still become angry when he's frustrated, but then so can I. It's just that it takes more frustration to tick me off.

My ds also tends to be very oppositional, especially with me. Part of the problem is how I approach him. If I phrase an original request more "softly", I generally get a better response. I also tend to be bullheaded and stubborn, just like ds is, so the two of us can really tangle on occasion. I've also taken a parenting class that helped me see through ds's "front" so I can reach him. Also they recommended that for a half hour every week (schedule this on the calendar) we do what HE wants to do. (DH should schedule his own half hour period) This is never to be canceled because of prior bad behavior. It may be cut short, though, if he misbehaves during the session. I was amazed at the difference in our relationship. It was more amazing to me because he's an only child and I thought he was getting all sorts of attention.

If you come up with a solution for victimhood, let me know. Ds's problems have been reduced since I stopped pointing out so many of his errors (I wanted him to learn to accept responsibility for his actions and it had the opposite effect) and started stressing the mistakes I make. However I think my ds'll always be a "half empty glass" type of person instead of a "half full" type.

Being silly and annoying when he should be serious is partially a maturity issue and partly a coping mechanism. Some adults never mature in this area and some manage to develop their humor so they honestly can relieve the stress of the moment for everyone. This skill is a true talent.

And remember your ds is going through, about to go through puberty. That will make all the problems worse for a while, especially the sudden mood changes. But it does get better if there are no major underlying problems. Turning 14 was a great relief for us, until he found some questionable friends :(

I hope you are able to glean some ideas from this overly long post.

[LisaTheresa]

Well, the Jekyl and Hyde description really hit home for me. This is how I always used to describe my son, but once we found out he had food sensitivities and cleaned up his diet, his behavior became sweet and consistent. For my son, it was gluten that caused this problem. His moods are also much more even if he has protein at each meal and we keep sugar to a minimum.

Lisa

[Ottakee]

Honestly, bipolar is what came to mind as I read your post.

I think it would be wise to rule out other medical issues--thyroid, food allergies/intolerance, blood sugar issues, etc.

That said, I would also take a look at www.bpkids.org and www.bipolarchild.com for starters. The fact that HE does not like his mood swings either makes it more likely that it is a chemical/physical problem, not just a behavioral problem.

Does the pdoc have a lot of experience with kids with bipolar? You want one that does and has a great deal of experience with the meds, latest treatments, etc.

Do you have any family history of mood disorders, bipolar, depression, drug/alcohol abuse, etc.? The doctor will likely ask.

My 13dd has bipolar but is doing very well with her meds now.

[Tree House Academy]

My son is 9 and he is a VERY difficult child. He has many of the same traits as your son...and we have also been treating him since he was about 3. He has ADHD, but that can't be all.

I am OCD. I am also a hypochondriac who suffers from anxiety and depression at times. I will tell you that those things alone can cause the moodiness - that along with hormone changes as he becomes a teen. My dh has described me much the way you describe your ds...only he says "0 to b*&^% in 60 seconds."

I would see what they psychiatrist says. Is he on meds?

[elizam]

I also think you might want to research bipolar. I recently read The Bipolar Child and also The Bipolar Teen. I have a 15yo who is getting progressively worse and is now acting as though he prefers to be delinquent. Not the same child as a year ago, and totally different from when he was a boy. But he had (still has) the symptoms you described your ds as having.

It sounds scary, but I think it can be managed with therapy and meds and a loving family. I wouldn't delay, although many folks would say "avoid getting a label", etc. etc. Just make sure you get a thorough evaluation and maybe a second opinion.

Hugs to you!

[Cadam]

He sounds just like my daughter. The SPD, anxiety, blaming others, excited and happy on second and irritable and angry the next. She is being evaluated for bipolar and started a mood stabilizer just today. I am hopeful.

[cillakat]

two strong recommendations for you
_The Explosive Child_ by Ross Greene
_Depression Free Naturally_ by Joan Matthews Larson

the latter covers more than just depression....ocd, anxiety, bipolar, hypoglycemia and more. saved my life. amino acid tx is part of what helps....also high high dose fish oil, dietary intervention, specific b vites and specific forms of them, specific minerals in specific amounts, targeted amino acid therapy.

:)
k

[Wendi]

We've already been doing amino acid supplements, fish oil, and some other things with a naturopath. Also an elimination diet. No difference on the diet or off. However, the amino acids did help TREMENDOUSLY with his anxiety. I just wish his moods were improved. He's so miserable (and so are we).

Wendi

[ELaurie]

I like Transforming the Difficult Child (http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Howard-Glasser/dp/0967050707/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225895549&sr=8-2)by Howie Glasser (http://difficultchild.com/sp-bin/spirit?PAGE=29&CATALOG=5).