OK, I have this child... (help?)

[bkpan]

My ds is 7yo, a twin, and #3 out of 6 dc. And he is SO difficult. I really am at my wit's end.

Every since he was a toddler he has had an explosive temper. However, it is not truly "out-of-control". What I mean is that if my dh really worked at it, ds could be teased or tickled out of the meltdown into some giggles. But, that doesn't change the fact that the meltdowns are frequent and severe.

He has always been an extremely picky eater. Because of his behavioral issues, I have had family suggest through the years that maybe ADD?, maybe aspergers?, but I have never had him evaluated. I just thought they were off - that ds has an extreme personality, but still in the range of "normal". He can actually focus on something for longer periods than other dc, and he can be very affectionate - so I just thought they were wrong.

Now, I'm not so sure. The best I can explain him is that he seems to be a step "behind". If we ask him to do something it appears that he is ignoring us, he is often defiant, sneaky, and absolutely CANNOT be reasoned with. He will relentlessly see himself as a victim, every time. Natural consequences get us nowhere with him! All of the "tricks" that work with my other dc seem to go nowhere with him.

I can't explain it other than I feel like dh and I have gotten him all wrong for years, and that we have done a lot of damage by treating all of his behaviors as discipline problems. It is almost as if he can't control his not listening problems? Or something. I don't know.

Academically, he is ahead. So, I don't think that there are any learning disabilities. However, a friend had noticed "something off" and recommended vision therapy. He did indeed test as if he needed it, and has been doing the computer program for 4-5 months,- honestly, I don't notice any difference.

So, if you've read this far, then God bless you! Do you have this child? Any ideas? Do you think I should try to pursue some kind of diagnosis??

Thanks for any help!

Kim

[Anne]

:grouphug: Kim :grouphug:

I would look into getting some help for him. When parents are at their wits end, it really is time to get some help, both for your sake - and for his!

So often people think of testing/diagnosis as an admission of failure or something. I really disagree with that idea - instead, I think: What a relief it would be to find some different ways of approaching your son that would help him succeed!!!

Anne

[JenneinAZ]

Could you get an OT (Occupational Therapy) evaluation?

I don't know what your son might have, but there are people out there that can help you figure out what is going on. A lot of times an OT evaluation isn't as expensive or time consuming to get and they can point you in the direction of another specialist if needed.

Good luck.

[Laurie4b]

Yes, I think it's helpful to pursue a diagnosis. With a diagnosis, behaviors that seem like individual, unrelated issues may actually be part of a pattern. A diagnosis also gives you a way to do research. It can get your son help he needs now and later on.

Since he is a picky eater, I would pick up a copy of The Out of Sync Child. It has a list of several types of sensory processing issues. If sensory processing seems to fit, an evaluation with an occupational therapist would be a good start. They do a session or two of evaluation and then start on treatment. At the same time, I would find a developmental pediatrician or a neuropsychologist for the overall picture.

The sooner you act, the better. The brain is plastic throughout life, but the younger the child, the more plasticity. That means that at a young age, the input of various interventions such as occupational therapy can permanently change the brain. Later on, they can help, but the child may still need to employ compensatory strategies. There can be quite a wait for an appointment, so go ahead and do what you need to to get the process going. Don't talk yourself out of it again. The fact that a child can sometimes concentrate is not a criteria for ruling out ADD, nor is being affectionate a criteria for ruling out Asperber's. If family members are suggesting those kinds of differences, it's likely there is a difference of some sort. There is so much treatment available that can really change things.

The thing that is hard is that once you start thinking outside "normal', you start to grieve. That grieving process can be offset by denial for the short-term, but in the long-term, it makes things harder. Your son may well have a "difference," but if he does, the sooner you come to terms with it, the greater the probability of a positive outcome.

With my ds, we got our first eval at age 7. He hadn't quite fit the criteria for anything that I was aware of until I got info on sensory processing disorders on this board. The occupational therapy was life-changing for him. He went from frequent behavior problems to being a happy child. That was worth it all! His behavior problems were from having a neurological system that was not properly processing input from the environment. Once that got corrected (I wish I had heard of this earlier), he was a different kid. We're still peeling layers off the onion, but I am so thankful for that initial OT experience. I only wish that I had heard of sensory processing earlier and known where to get treatment.

[Cadam]

A developmental Pediatrician is the generalist of the specialists. Get to a DP and they can do a basic evaluation. They may give you a diagnosis and some help and/or refer you on to another specialist. Our DP dx dd with Sensory Processing disorder, referred us to an OT for treatment and now she is helping with medications and a referral to a child psyc.

In our area there is a 4-6 month wait to see a DP so start now.

[Ottakee]

I would certainly think about getting an evaluation done. With what you say, I would start with a pediatric psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician.

Being a twin, was he preemie? Any problems during birth?

What you mention--the meltdowns, temper, sensory stuff, being the "victim", etc. all fit with a mood disorder. Is there any family history of bipolar, depression, drug/alcohol abuse, nervous breakdowns, etc? Often mood disorders have a genetic link.

Do you think that his mood changes rapidly? Do you walk around on "eggshells" at time around him? Those are other warning signs.

Check out www.bpkids.org and www.bipolarchild.com for more information.

Other things to consider are thyroid, blood sugar, food allergies/intolerances, etc. Any signs of seizures at all?

I have a 13dd with bipolar and her toddler/preschool years were extremely difficult. Now on the right meds she does extremely well.

[bkpan]

Wow. You all are such a wealth of information. Thank you so very much. I have a couple of books on order, and I found a developmental ped. in our network locally, and am in the process of getting him an appt. I feel some relief just beginning to take some action. Last night I read the first couple of chapters in The Explosive Child and it was a VERY accurate description of my son.

Thank you again.

Kim

[jensway]

Kim,

I was going to chime in and tell you to have him evaluated as well. When a parent notices things are a little off, that is when you should look for help. I was going to recommend The Explosive Child for you to read from cover to cover. :001_smile:

Out of all the books I have read doing research about my son (he has AS) this book was the most helpful in dealing with day to day situations and I think will help you. It kind of helps you adjust so not to be at your wits end. Speaking from my own experience.