I am so embarrassed, but I need to ask a question...

[Just Me]

How do you "get in the mood" for...well, you know! :o I seem to have absolutely no s*x drive. My dh is great, and I enjoy his company, but I seem to have nothing to give, ya' know?

I really want to get better here. He and I have talked about it. He realizes this is common for women, but I am sure it frustrates him.

Thanks for reading this. Hope I didn't put you off! I just really want to get better here, and am not sure who else to ask about this! :eek:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

When I was on the pill I had zero interest. So, you might have that challenge. After my dh has a vasectomy --- I was bc-free and wow - what a difference it made;).

A glass of wine, candles in your bedroom and a shower together usually helps. You have to put on the right attitude and plenty of time to warm up.

hth
k:)

[Sandra in NC]

It said many women would rather do laundry or some other household chore. Their recommendation was to "schedule" a time once a week and just go with it. The act itself can lead to increased desire and better health for the sexual system. It was probably written by a man :-)

[Karin]

It said many women would rather do laundry or some other household chore. Their recommendation was to "schedule" a time once a week and just go with it. The act itself can lead to increased desire and better health for the sexual system. It was probably written by a man :-)

When I was engaged a married woman with 2 young children told me how she and her dh set aside one night a week for a date night so they could both be in the mood, thinking about each other. At the time, I thought that was crazy:D But at my age I find setting days (more often for dh) has really helped me. Hormones are changing and once its set and I'm plannig for it, it's fun.

[dangermom]

When I was on the pill I had zero interest. So, you might have that challenge. After my dh has a vasectomy --- I was bc-free and wow - what a difference it made;).
I had this situation too. When I was on the Pill it was like I had to get rid of layers and layers of stress before I could relax and enjoy, which took a while. It's a lot easier now.

Snuggling and slowly working up to things can help. And sometimes, you just gotta jump in and start, and the mood shows up halfway through.

[Cadam]

Have you been checked out medically? How are your iron levels and thyroid? If you are no the pill seriously consider getting off.

Beyond that....

Do soemthing that relaxes you and makes you feel good about yourself. When I am feeling frumpy I am not going to be in the mood! no way. A bubble bath, paint your nails, exercise exc. you may need help getting time for yourself to do this but if you give dh a heads up I bet he would accommodate you.

Try getting some lightly scented lotion and ask dh for a massage.

Intentionally relax. Focus on releasing tension and nothing else.

last, just do it. The more you do it the easier it gets. Up the current frequency by one time a week, schedule it and make it happen. Knowing it is going to happen helps you prepare your brain during the day kwim.

If you are a Christian I suggest the book "intimate Issues".

[Sue G in PA]

and it was frustrating. I, however, was on Zoloft at the time and KNEW my lack of drive was due to that. Sometimes, I still get in certain "moods" when I just don't want to be bothered. That' normal. You are busy, probably tired, etc. I once read an article that said if a husband wanted his wife's full attention, he should help her with the things she needed to do in the evening. It's true for me b/c if I have things left on my "to do" list in the evening, I can't get my mind off of that and on to "you know what!". Try watching a romantic movie together (We watched The Bridges Of Madison County and Pretty Woman a few nights ago and it certainly helped!). Are you getting enough rest? I agree w/ the thyroid advice b/c when my thyroid levels are low I have a low drive. Oh, tell dh that he is just going to have to up the amount of f&replay...a lot..to get you in the mood:D

[Rich with Kids]

I have some great tips, but after composing this several times I'm just gonna put in a few keywords and if anyone wants to message me privately, go ahead. I'll be glad to share. Building anticipation throughout the day really works for us.

Text messaging http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/winking/winking0012.gif (http://www.jonahgoldberg.net)

camera phone (sometimes tasks can be assigned throughout the day which require photo proof)

coconut oil

poker games with special rules

scavenger hunts
Theme night http://easyfreesmileys.com/smileys/free-cute-smileys-271.gif (http://easyfreesmileys.com/)

The Marriage Bed (http://www.themarriagebed.com/)has some good tips, as well. HTH!

[Mrs. Readsalot]

OK so I am serious and somewhat kidding about reading Jane Austen. Reading her books does make you want to fall in love all over again and since dh will be one who fill the bill it may help.
I also think that at times our lives become routine and lack the spark that attracted us to dhs in the first place. My dh and I try to do nice things for one another when they are not expected. He will bring home a bottle of wine and agree to watch a chick flick with me. I will make him hot wings and agree to watch football with him(you have to know how much I dislike football)
We also call each other during the day (maybe once a week or so) just to say I was thinking of you and miss you. We leave each other notes.
But probably the number one thing that helps us it to hold hands, hug, well simply to touch each other often when we are not in an intimate setting. I think to stay physically connected is very important.
Last but not least wear something sexy to sleep in, if you feel sexy you might be more in the mood.

[melissel]

How do you "get in the mood" for...well, you know! :o I seem to have absolutely no s*x drive. My dh is great, and I enjoy his company, but I seem to have nothing to give, ya' know?

I really want to get better here. He and I have talked about it. He realizes this is common for women, but I am sure it frustrates him.

Thanks for reading this. Hope I didn't put you off! I just really want to get better here, and am not sure who else to ask about this! :eek:

I have nothing to add because this is very much an issue here lately. I know my DH, while incredibly supportive of HSing, is certainly wondering how things would improve if I didn't have the added stresses (for example, when I had to spend last night and early this a.m. cleaning up frantically for our weekly playgroup, and he wanted to actually play). So I'm right there with ya!

[CookieMonster]

After much work in this area, I've discovered that my biggest hinderance to regular fun in the bedroom is myself.

My. stinking. self.

I wanted to blame dh. "I would be more in the mood if you helped me out more."

I wanted to blame the kids. "I'm just tired."

I wanted to blame our schedules. "I need more time with you to get in the mood."

But over time each of those theories didn't hold water. I would be rested and still not in the mood. I would spend tons of time with dh and still say, "No."

What does get me in the mood is remembering how much dh really loves me. And this is hard for me. My dh is not a fall-all-over-you romantic type. His love is strong, but I have a tendency not to see it.

Going through old cards and letters we've sent reminds me of his deep feelings for me. Watching clean romantic movies reminds me of the emotions dh has, that I haven't noticed.

And it works like a charm. As soon as I see those strong feelings of love in him, I'm lit like a fire. Even when I'm tired, or we haven't spent much time together, or dh has been grumpy toward me, it works.

So for me it's a mental thing. I have to wrap my mind around the truth of dh's undying love for me and then bam! watch me go. :D

[Alexandra]

nt

[HeatherH]

Cookie, you nailed it. Thanks for the reminder.

[melissel]

Actually, the early bedtimes suggestion does make me think of one helpful thing. The time of day has to be right for me. I'm much more ready to play in the afternoon or evening. Once 10 p.m. passes, I'm too tired and just want to be left alone! Unfortunately, with DH working long days, by the time he eats dinner and relaxes a bit, we've crossed over into the "I'm too tired to even stand up" zone :(

Might it help if you could plan some free time with your DH earlier in the day?

[Eliana]

((Michelle)))

No need to feel embarrassed!

Has this always been your dynamic? Or have things, either gradually or suddenly, changed over the years?

Do you guys connect well in other ways? Or are you a little out of sync in your day-to-day lives?

Chemistry is so complex, and the most powerful aphrodisiac is your mind (though, of course, physical things and issues impact it as well!!). I think it is normal for couples to go through adjustments over the years, and the transition times can be distressing... they are also great opportunities!

You guys have an opportunity to reconnect, to explore, to rediscover each other... to fall in love, physically and emotionally all over again.

Personally, I wouldn't think of this as a woman thing, something you need to fix in yourself, because (barring drug side effects, low thyroid, or other medical issues) it isn't - this is, imho, a couple chemistry thing.

Things to consider:

Your emotional connection - are you(pl) able to be investing in your marriage? (It isn't possible at every stage of life, but if you've had a long block of withdrawing with no deposits, the relationship will be less smooth.) What fills your heart to overflowing? And his? I like to feel cherished; my husband likes to get my undivided, fully focused attention; we both like to play together. For me one of the biggest things is seeing how much he loves me just the way I am - that who I am isn't just 'good enough' it is everything he's ever wanted. This melts my heart.

Do you play together? For many couples playfulness is a special component of the relationship - and relates directly to how secure one feels in the marriage. Playing feels 'safe' because there are no wrong answers, because the process is as important as the end results, and the combination of risk, of going with the moment, of being vulnerable and bone-deep knowledge that you're on the same team is magical.

Your physical connection - massage, snuggling, hugs, holding hands, leaning against each other while sitting on the couch reading... non-s#xual physical contact is really important to many people. Just holding my husband's hand gives me such strength in hard time, for example, and having that habit of physical connection is, for us, very relationship building.

This will sound funny, but another thing which keeps the sizzle in our marriage is separation. As Orthodox Jews we sleep separately about 12 days of the month (during an immediately after my cycle), and during that time we have no physical contact, we do not even hand things directly to each other. This gives every month a 'honeymoon' aspect, and builds a sense of anticipation. I can't imagine this working as is for a couple not bound by our traditions (I know I wouldn't stick to it without a Torah law requiring it!), but I've heard that sometimes couples might choose to be consciously separate for a short period of time, and that it can give a woman a chance to... I;m not sure, something like a reset switch perhaps? It gives separation a chance to be part of the expected routine, not an aberration... again, I have no personal experience with it from that angle...

Setting aside time to be together - setting aside the chores and stresses of the day and just enjoying each other's company is, imho, essential, not just for the sizzle factor, but for keeping the marriage strong and vibrant... and when you have the habit of spending time together, when you have protected time, talking, sharing and bonding all happen so naturally... So, I'd say, let the house be less perfect, read a little less (I never thought I;d say that!), spend less time on the computer - and set aside some time, and then be prepared to defend that time slot from all the things which will try to encroach upon it!

Spiritual connection - We try to set aside time to study the weekly Torah portion together, to talk about where we are at spiritually (individually and as a family) - we feel this is even more important than budgeting or planning for retirement... being in sync in our spiritual growth has been a enormous gift to our lives and our marriage... (If this isn't applicable, please ignore me!)

I heard someone say once, and it made sense though it wasn't applicable to us, that a revitalizing approach to s*xual chemistry for a couple can be to back up and return to the less intense things they might have done while dating (this really isn't applicable in the Orthodox world!!). I'm not comfortable being explicit, but I hope this makes sense.

Perhaps it could help to let go of preconceptions about how you are intimate and to start from scratch and rediscover each other (and yourselves) and see what really works now for each of you. Talking about it is very, very powerful, but can be hard at first - candor and mutual acceptance are essential. Sharing your fantasies, or reactions, or impulses, or curiosities is enormously powerful, and hearing and being heard connects you, reinforces the feelings of safety and intimacy.

I hope something here is helpful, or at least encouraging!

Eliana

[Anne in Saskatchewan]

If I am short on time for myself, I have nothing left to give my husband. An afternoon or evening by myself recharges me, and I'm ready again.

Anne.

[Just Me]

To all:

Thank you all for your words of advice - it was nice to come back and find so many encouragements.

Eliana: Yes, this has always been my dynamic. I just don't feel the "need?", usually. Our marriage is stronger at this point than ever, however dh is a full-time seminary student (until May). Maybe after graduation, things will get better.

We were talking about our anniversary the other day. We have our 15th this summer. He suggested that we go to a marriage conference, and I just don't want to. I don't want to go away and feel like I am still working. Has anyone gone to one and loved it? Feel like it really changed your marriage?

I am sure that I am the one with the "problem", I am just not sure how to fix it! :o

[JennifersLost]

about the marriage conference. You don't need a trip to tell you what you "should" be doing. I don't think that would help.

In a nutshell think about these things:

The physical

1. Are you on the pill - killed all drive for me and many others.
2. Are you over-tired? Get yourself to bed early.
3. Are you over-scheduled? Cut back on things and make sure you have 1 - 2 hours per day to do something you, personally, love. I know that sounds crazy, but as we get older, that's what it takes.
4. Are you exercising? Hard? Several times a week? I find that getting up my heart rate gets the rest of me going. I'm much more likely to be in the mood after a workout.

The mental

1. Read romantic books - not trash - just good, solid, get together at the end type books.
2. Watch romantic movies.
3. Tell yourself you're going to "do it" once a week - once you get going, it's usually okay, right?
4. Work on other issues at separate times. Find some self-help books, meditate, pray and journal, lots!
5. Have a date-night once a week with your husband.

I've got to run, but I'd also recommend starting to take "Chaste Berry" daily, along with a multi-vitamin. There might actually be some physical issues stopping your drive.

[Tina]

You've gotten some great advice I agree with.
Just taking some time to think about your husband. Sometimes it's just watching the way he moves, working outside or something, and remembering all the reasons I love him. All the little things he does for me that show me he loves me. The Marriage Bed link above also has a link to a daily message from The Generous Wife that's helpful in thinking about your dh in various ways, and getting closer to him in all ways.

[Rachel]

I just recently went through a BIG "Ah-Ha" moment in regards to this very thing. This has been a huge issue for DH and I over the past few years as I have become a "refuser"......one of the main things for me is that I have to think about s*x WAY before the actual time.......so I prepare myself throughout the day, daydreaming about hubby, etc...so that when the time comes I can say I'm genuinely willing and ready.

Two books that really helped me were
Every Woman's Battle
and
Intimate Issues
I put reviews of both of these on my blog and will be posting more about this soon.

The other life saver for me was the website The Marriage Bed.......what an amazing place of openness and creativity. Just reading this site's message boards should get you in the mood.......LOL! I really recommend this site and recommend thinking outside the box. For me, looking forward to the "same ole' thing" didn't do much for me........so sometimes doing something new, something adventerous.......may be just the encouragement you need.

http://www.themarriagebed.com