Three year old lying . . . is this normal? . . .

[Momto5girls]

Dd 3, "S", has a habit of lying when she thinks she's going to get in trouble. I know, I know, this is probably typical, but I've been trying to explain to her the difference between telling a lie and the truth, etc, and am wondering if three year olds developmentally are able to understand this concept. Based on my experiences just this morning with her, I'm thinking not:

Dd3 is sent to her room to clean up books. DD 1 1/2, "K", follows her and quickly starts crying. I confront DD about what happens, and she says dd 1 1/2 fell. I know this isn't the whole truth because other dd saw her push her. So I ask again:

Mom: "S", what really happened to "K"? Did you push her?

dd: No, she just fell.

Mom: "S", remember what we talked about telling the truth? Remember I said I'll never get mad at you as long as you tell me the truth? Now, how did "K" fall?

dd: She just came in and fell and started crying.

Mom: (insert lying lecture here, i.e., God is always watching and he knows the truth, telling me what really happened means telling me the truth and I'll never get mad, no matter what you did . . . etc, etc., ad nauseum . . . Now, what happened to "K"?

DD: Sigh of defeat, poker face, looks me straight in the face, "D" (ds, 3) pushed her.

Kripes, now she's making up things, not just denying!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhh!!!!

This happens throughout the day in various scenarios. What do I do? Do I just give her the standard lecture and move on? Is it unrealistic to think she can comprehend what I'm saying? Do I make her sit in her room until she tells me the truth? I'm really stumped here. I don't remember any of the other kids going through this, and it's really starting to bother me.

How have you handled this behavior? I'd really like to nip this now, but I want to be developmentally realistic, too. Any input would be very much appreciated.

thanks so much,
lisa

[Mx5]

Lying is an abstract term for kids that young. I think all you can do is continue to give consequences for not telling the truth.

What helped my kids a lot at that age was for me to speak like this:

"Tell me what really happened."

I think even the term "lie" is tough for a toddler to comprehend.

I would ask the kids to tell me what really happened, and if they didn't then they would have some age and temperament appropriate consequence.

[dangermom]

Yeah, that's no fun. But it's my understanding that there is some developmental stuff going on there. Small children tend to think that if they say something, it will be true, so they may say what they want to have happened. Because of this there's not much point in asking a small child to tell the truth when you already know the facts. Just dealing with it (without trying to get a confession first) might be a better path.

However it's been a while since I read up on it, so I'm sure someone will come along with better information. :)

[WTMCassandra]

I think it's normal, but I had better luck with a different approach. I would be a bit unilateral here and say that she has xx consequence for making her sister cry. I wouldn't "confront her with it," because it is (at that age) a big invitation to lie. I would also try to keep her with me as much as possible so I know what's going on (as opposed to coming based on a scream from the other room). I would minimize the times I have to figure something out that happened outside my view. Asking for what happened is I think better used for a bit older child.

[Shelly in MD]

With all of my older children (now ages 13, 11 and 6), we went through a "lying" phase that started around three, and unfortunately didn't peak until around age 5! Not deliberate, intentional, coming to me with a lie, but exactly the type of thing you are describing. I think they really, in their minds, don't recognize what a lie is. They may know they aren't telling you exactly what happened, but they aren't trying to deceive the way an older child or adult might.

It is frustrating! I would suggest trying to state the truth, without confronting the child. What I mean is, if I walk into a room and my child has just grabbed a toy or pushed someone or broken something or whatever, I give them one chance to tell me what happened, but if they don't, then I say something like, "Look, that hurts your sister's feelings if you take the toy/push her down/whatever. Now, tell her you're sorry, and let's play xyz instead." I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I think it's important to model truth-telling for kids at this age, because they really don't understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

Hope that helps. Hang in there!

[j.griff]

When you ask a 3yo a question that you already know the answer to, you are setting them up to lie. Instead, you should just say, "x, I know that you did y to z, that is unacceptable" and then continue in what manner you see fit. They are in the "words are magic" phase for a while. They do believe that if they say x happened instead, then that will make it *true*.

[Momto5girls]

thanks for your insights, everyone. I have a better understanding of where she is developmentally and how to handle it. Thanks again.

lisa

[melissel]

When you ask a 3yo a question that you already know the answer to, you are setting them up to lie. Instead, you should just say, "x, I know that you did y to z, that is unacceptable" and then continue in what manner you see fit. They are in the "words are magic" phase for a while. They do believe that if they say x happened instead, then that will make it *true*.

Wise advice. I also think that, at this point, if you ask, and she lies, and you give her a consequence anyway, you would be a) reinforcing the idea that if she tells you the truth, she'll get in trouble, and b) telling her that you don't believe what she tells you, which could potentially have farther-reaching consequences. We generally avoid unrelated consequences or punishments here, so DD5 has very little reason to lie to us--which is not to say that it doesn't happen, of course! But it's pretty rare.

Oh! Also, for stuff like this, I try to take moments in my own life, when they're watching, to say stuff like, "Whew! I was afraid that the lady was going to be mad at me for xyz, but I knew it was best to tell her the truth. I'm so glad I didn't lie--I feel so much better when I tell the truth yadda yadda yadda." I know that's totally canned, but it's worked on MANY occasions for us, LOL!

[Karin]

Yes, it's a common phase that starts when your child realizes that you don't think the same things s/he is thinking. It's also to cover up and avoid trouble. One of the best things I read and applied was to stop asking them if they did something wrong when I knew they had.

I think three is too young to make stay in her room until she tells you the truth. If I didn't know what was going on, I separated my children and gave them both a consequence as it takes two to fight. IMO, three is also too young for lecturing. Short and simple is the best. I do not think that most three year olds are ready for reason, either.