Help--parenting high schooler question

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

My dd is 15 and has known her "best friend" for at least 4 years. They have not been bfs all those years. Over the last year or two they have become closer friends.

For a more reasons than I want to go into, her father and I have decided after much deliberation and heartache that this relationship is going downhill in an unhealthy way fast. Her family (6 kids)has a history of really out of control teenagers, and friend as youngest child is sadly following this pattern.

My dd is going to be very upset with this decision. She feels responsible in some ways for friends emotional health which is a heavy burden. She (dd) is so enmeshed in this relationship that she can't see the burden and how it affects her. Friend is almost always emotionally crisis-ed(is that a word?) and tends to drag others with her.

Friend has both threatened to run away and to cut at various times. Her parents are aware of her moods & threats(it's ALL over her myspace); they call her 'sensitive' and imply that people just don't 'get' her creative spirit and, of course she would never really do those things.

Most contact between the girls is thru email, MySpace, and many times daily cell phone calls/text. They see each other at a dance class, and have outings every few weeks. How would you cut contact?

All constructive opinions welcomed.

NanDell

[8FillTheHeart]

We had a similar situation with our dd a couple of yrs ago. She was friends with someone who had been severely sexually abused as a little girl. Overtime, the behaviors of this teen became very unhealthy and she started exposing our daughter to conversations which were extremely inappropriate for 11-12 yrs olds to be having. We made the decision that while we sorry for the young lady, we had to put our dd's needs first.

We had a very frank discussion with our dd. She understood. How we decided to do it a way that would not make the other child feel somehow unworthy of friendship (b/c it really wasn't her fault, she was a victim....but the behavior was there regardless) was to allow the socialization but only in a group environment when we were somewhere nearby (as in movies, park, etc Not necessarily in same space, but available). No phone conversations, no Facebook, no email. Over time, the relationship died a natural death and the other young lady made other friends in the natural interim and she actually started moving away from our dd.

It was a good way for us to cope with it b/c we wanted to respect the other young lady involved and by not severing the relationship, it did it on its own.

I had a lot of interruptions while I was typing that so I have no idea if its clear or not!!:tongue_smilie:

[Laura K (NC)]

There's a grown-up in my circle of friends who seems similar to your daughter's friend. Her husband was abusing her and her 8 kids and he has a restraining order, she has gotten super-thin, and is a really needy person who is calling for help pretty loudly (telling folks she passes out from hunger, wearing low-cut, tight clothing that shows all her bones, etc.). Those in my circle of friends who try to help her and befriend her get sucked in (I don't mean to be heartless), and no matter how much they give this woman, it is never enough. She's been offered free counseling, a free stay at a clinic, and help with her kids, but she always has an excuse not to go.

I had a friend like your daughter's when I was her age. Probably everybody knows someone like that, who seem to need a LOT of attention. The compassionate thing to do seems to spend hours listening to them, helping them sort out their many problems, talking them out of extreme behaviors, etc; but there is never an end to the problems.

Your daughter is probably a generous soul; she probably knows that this girl needs help, and she'd like to give her the attention this girl craves. This should be rewarded. But your daughter might need some redirection in giving her time and charity. While all of us need a shoulder to cry on every now and then, that shoulder shouldn't be there as a full-time job. The girl probably doesn't realize she's being selfish. Even adults who are depressed or confused don't always know when they've crossed the boundaries of reasonable. If your daughter can spend a few hours a week doing charitable work (replacing one act of compassion for another, more fruitful one), staying busy with her own pursuits and mainly only seeing this girl in group situations, she might come to realize how emotionally draining this girl is. By being busy, she can more easily put off answering a text or a phone call. By getting out and doing different things, she can make new friends. This girl might not take kindly to your daughter's additional friendships, but even this might be a wake-up call to your daughter, and awareness that she can allow herself to be taken advantage of, or she can resist it.

I don't think I'd forbid the relationship, because the other girl will probably not honor your request, and it will force your daughter to be torn in her loyalties and make her feel like you, as a parent, just don't understand. By approaching this constructively, by adding measures rather than forbidding the friendship outright, your daughter can grow in self-confidence and still retain her sweet, compassionate spirit, and the other girl might be able to reassess what is really important and hopefully pull herself out of this destructive state of mind. Your daughter will not be able to do this for her.

[Sharon H in IL]

I had friends like this throughout childhood, and I wish my parents had been concerned enough to step in and help set healthy boundaries. But my Dad in particular didn't have those good boundaries himself. He tended to give to others to the detriment of his family, and couldn't give me any advice about how much was too much.

I think your plan to step in between your daughter's helpful and generous nature and the gigantic size of her friend's need is a good one. This family is in denial and the daughter will soon be doing something dramatic to get them to pay attention. Your daughter is at risk, emotionally if not physically.

Help her see the big picture, without blaming her or her very needy friend. The very best 'Dept of Health & Welfare' is the family, and when that isn't functioning, it takes a huge amount of outside intervention to get things even partially back on track. One young girl is simply not going to make a dent in the pain if the adults involved don't change it themselves.

I'm so sorry. Best wishes.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

this is what I was expecting--wish there were an easier way but it's good to hear from others that have BTDT




nandell

[Rosie_0801]

A good time for your dd to learn that friendship is a two way street...
Rosie