Ack!! quick advice please (Or at least commisseration)

[jacqui in mo]

My 6 yo ds just broke our sliding glass window by deliberately throwing a rock at it. I think he did it out of anger that I Made him go outside to play when he didn't want to.
Ugg, of course he couldn't break the window nearby that we're going to get replaced in a couple of weeks. no.

How do I break this easily to my dh? He's a patient man but this might just exceed his limit. He just counseled me this morning that we need to try to not have anymore large expenditures for a bit, not that this would break us, but it certainly sets back his planning.

And, how would you handle dealing with the 6 yo? He called it an "accident" but although I didn't see it, it in no way seems like an accident based on the evidence. I'm so upset now I'm shaking & not able to even think straight. Help me calm down.

Jacqui

[Gretchen in NJ]

Eek!

:grouphug: I need to think a little on this one, but a just wanted to give you a cyber group hug right away.:grouphug:

[jacqui in mo]

Thanks! Actually that's good advice to "think a little on this one". That's what I'm trying to do right now. Jacqui

[kalanamak]

My hubby and I periodically tell each other "he's only 6". It helps us.

I'd get hubby home, alone, sitting, tell him you are sorry but you have some bad news. When I get this, I'm so relieved no one is injured, the rest is anti-climactic (can I say that on this board?). :)

Beyond that, I'd have little guy give something up, something that would cost you something in the future. We would have several of the just-you-and-me-kid chats, just to make sure he doesn't brush it off.

HTH, and slow, deep breaths....slow, don't hyperventilate.

[nestof3]

I feel for you. :grouphug:

First, I would try to calmly explain to your son that worse than breaking the glass would be him lying about it, because that is just going to set him up for a pattern of lying. I think it is important to get him to confess this.

I think it is also important to realize that everyone struggles with anger at some time, and some even really struggle not to act on it. A child can VERY easily act on it without thinking about the consequences, because though he probably knew (if it were intentional) that the glass would break, he would have no clue that it would cost so much to replace. So, I think it is important to realize that it's not as horrific as it would be if your 16 year old threw a rock at the glass.

I would also work on showing your son how to handle anger properly and work on obedience and respect. I know, it's an ongoing thing around here. But, that really is the real issue (if it were intentional). I have tried to tell my boys that they are allowed to say things nicely that they would never be allowed to say with an attitude.

For example, I tell them they can say, "Mom -- I was hoping to finish this chapter before bed," but they cannot say with an attitude and an ugly face: "Can't a guy read a book around here?"

I hope this makes sense. If your son is like mine, he's probably horrified that he actually broke the glass and scared senseless. I threw a dinner plate onto the driveway as an adult knowing perfectly well what the result would be. I needed to learn how to communicate my frustration to my husband in an appropriate manner.

Your son just needs to learn the same thing, and since he is the child and you're the parent, he needs to be trained in obedience and respect.

I do think you should require him to work to pay for it, or something. Of course, he cannot really pay for it, but you could require certain jobs be done as compensation.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I am not good with dealing with these types of situations. They are tough. I try to keep in mind my family first and the item broken or missing last.

The important part is your son and husband. It is just a door after all. Pricey, the door may be, but it is also replaceable.

[Mom to Aly]

I feel for you. :grouphug:

First, I would try to calmly explain to your son that worse than breaking the glass would be him lying about it, because that is just going to set him up for a pattern of lying. I think it is important to get him to confess this.

I think it is also important to realize that everyone struggles with anger at some time, and some even really struggle not to act on it. A child can VERY easily act on it without thinking about the consequences, because though he probably knew (if it were intentional) that the glass would break, he would have no clue that it would cost so much to replace. So, I think it is important to realize that it's not as horrific as it would be if your 16 year old threw a rock at the glass.

I would also work on showing your son how to handle anger properly and work on obedience and respect. I know, it's an ongoing thing around here. But, that really is the real issue (if it were intentional). I have tried to tell my boys that they are allowed to say things nicely that they would never be allowed to say with an attitude.

For example, I tell them they can say, "Mom -- I was hoping to finish this chapter before bed," but they cannot say with an attitude and an ugly face: "Can't a guy read a book around here?"

I hope this makes sense. If your son is like mine, he's probably horrified that he actually broke the glass and scared senseless. I threw a dinner plate onto the driveway as an adult knowing perfectly well what the result would be. I needed to learn how to communicate my frustration to my husband in an appropriate manner.

Your son just needs to learn the same thing, and since he is the child and you're the parent, he needs to be trained in obedience and respect.

I do think you should require him to work to pay for it, or something. Of course, he cannot really pay for it, but you could require certain jobs be done as compensation.


Wow! What she said! :iagree:

[Danestress]

Imagine this is the only thing he is going to remember from his entire childhood.

How would you want him to remember it? Not a total, "oh, who cares, money grows on trees" experience, and not the worst incident of his life.

I guess I would tell him, "You know what, I am kind of upset that I don't want to talk about this right now because I am afraid I will over react. Daddy just told me not to spend any money, and this will be expensive. Give me some time to think about this. Let's pray about it and ask God to help us figure out what to do, and then we can maybe make some popcorn and read a book, and we will deal with this later." Or if you aren't religious, "Let's sit here together and think about it" or whatever - but something that will calm his spirit AND yours, and then a change of scene - a snuggle with a book - and THEN deal with it when you can just deal with the event.

I always think that when things happen like glass shattering and kid crying, we release all kinds of "panic" hormones that make us overreact. So wait until you aren't responding to the stress of the moment, and TELL him that's what you are doing.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I feel for you. :grouphug:

First, I would try to calmly explain to your son that worse than breaking the glass would be him lying about it, because that is just going to set him up for a pattern of lying. I think it is important to get him to confess this.

I think it is also important to realize that everyone struggles with anger at some time, and some even really struggle not to act on it. A child can VERY easily act on it without thinking about the consequences, because though he probably knew (if it were intentional) that the glass would break, he would have no clue that it would cost so much to replace. So, I think it is important to realize that it's not as horrific as it would be if your 16 year old threw a rock at the glass.

I would also work on showing your son how to handle anger properly and work on obedience and respect. I know, it's an ongoing thing around here. But, that really is the real issue (if it were intentional). I have tried to tell my boys that they are allowed to say things nicely that they would never be allowed to say with an attitude.

For example, I tell them they can say, "Mom -- I was hoping to finish this chapter before bed," but they cannot say with an attitude and an ugly face: "Can't a guy read a book around here?"

I hope this makes sense. If your son is like mine, he's probably horrified that he actually broke the glass and scared senseless. I threw a dinner plate onto the driveway as an adult knowing perfectly well what the result would be. I needed to learn how to communicate my frustration to my husband in an appropriate manner.

Your son just needs to learn the same thing, and since he is the child and you're the parent, he needs to be trained in obedience and respect.

I do think you should require him to work to pay for it, or something. Of course, he cannot really pay for it, but you could require certain jobs be done as compensation.
:iagree:

Imagine this is the only thing he is going to remember from his entire childhood.

How would you want him to remember it? Not a total, "oh, who cares, money grows on trees" experience, and not the worst incident of his life.

I guess I would tell him, "You know what, I am kind of upset that I don't want to talk about this right now because I am afraid I will over react. Daddy just told me not to spend any money, and this will be expensive. Give me some time to think about this. Let's pray about it and ask God to help us figure out what to do, and then we can maybe make some popcorn and read a book, and we will deal with this later." Or if you aren't religious, "Let's sit here together and think about it" or whatever - but something that will calm his spirit AND yours, and then a change of scene - a snuggle with a book - and THEN deal with it when you can just deal with the event.

I always think that when things happen like glass shattering and kid crying, we release all kinds of "panic" hormones that make us overreact. So wait until you aren't responding to the stress of the moment, and TELL him that's what you are doing.
:iagree: I think this is great advice.

[jacqui in mo]

DH is home and reacted in his patient kind way. We have both (separately) talked with the culprit. He did confess & did show me what had happened (the rock & everything) and we talked about his feelings of anger. We let him know we were glad he didn't hurt himself or someone/something else. He was throwing the rock at our indoor cat who sits & pines at the window. He's often tried to "scare" the kitty this way but my 13 yo dd has intercepted him. (Now she tells me). We are thinking about banning access to the computer for him for a week as he was mad about having to go outside instead of playing computer. We're still contemplating the exact way to handle it. You all have given outstanding advice here. I've read them all & they confirm & remind me of how I want to react. Thank you all so much. Jacqui

[nestof3]

We are thinking about banning access to the computer for him for a week as he was mad about having to go outside instead of playing computer.

Sounds perfect.

[Gretchen in NJ]

We are thinking about banning access to the computer for him for a week as he was mad about having to go outside instead of playing computer.

After the week is over, maybe you can have him earn time on the computer. Dh just received an IPod at work. My girls love the darn thing. We use it to reward good behavior.

[Lolly]

:grouphug:I'll just give you a hug. Plus, my ds's rock throwing (not in anger) ended up with his sister's teeth in the bottom of the lake. At least it was just a glass door.

[jacqui in mo]

. Plus, my ds's rock throwing (not in anger) ended up with his sister's teeth in the bottom of the lake. At least it was just a glass door.

Yes, I contemplated how much worse it could have been & discussed this with ds to help him understand why not to throw rocks at people or animals. Were the teeth permanent or baby? What did you have to do for them?

[Scarlett]

When I was 8 or 9 I kicked the front window shield of my mom's car. It cracked. I did it because I was angry that she made me sit in the car and wait for her to run in and drop something off at a friend's house.

She was so angry----what I remember more than anything was her total silence. When I was grown she told me that she felt like killing me and was mustering all her self-control. :001_huh:

I will never forget how terrible I felt. It was a huge financial impact on us...and I knew that then. When I see ds doing similar things from temper I try hard to remember that feeling. Sounds like your dh and you both handled it well. I think the important thing here is dealing with the temper and your ds failing to keep control.

And it probably was an 'accident' in that he didn't intend to actually break the window. I certainly didn't intend to break my mom' s windshield. But it was no accident that I let loose with my waffle stompers on that glass...I was furious.

:grouphug:

[Lolly]

Yes, I contemplated how much worse it could have been & discussed this with ds to help him understand why not to throw rocks at people or animals. Were the teeth permanent or baby? What did you have to do for them?
Permanent teeth. Solution: braces that we probably wouldn't have needed otherwise; a root canal and a cap, one build up for a 1/4 missing bottom tooth, a bridge with a false tooth for now to be replaced (hopefully) with an implant when she is 18 (if she hasn't lost too much bone in the gum by then to do it). This has been over the course of 2 years so far.

[melissaL]

I remember coming home from school one day and hearing my young ( 5 year old) twin brothers, crying from their room. " mum just come and smack us." I asked mum what is going on, she said they had smashed every window in the car down the back yard, that dad had just sold. they smashed them with shovels. she had told them they had to stay in their room until dad came home to deal with them. an unheard of punishment . mum said she was that scared that if she started punishing them that she would kill them, she was so mad. she thought it would be a lot safer for them to be in their room waiting for dad.

[jacqui in mo]

Oh my word, your poor dd having to go through this. I feel so fortunate that it is just with a window/door we're dealing. And your poor son is constantly reminded of an accident he of which he was part. I would feel just awful. Jacqui

[jacqui in mo]

Thanks for sharing your story. I think it was Danetress that reminded me that my ds will always remember this day. I wonder what his perception of my reaction will be. Unfortunately I wasn't totally silent. I did do some yelling, and although I didn't say anything in my anger that I need to regret, I do regret the yelling.

[melissel]

Imagine this is the only thing he is going to remember from his entire childhood.

How would you want him to remember it? Not a total, "oh, who cares, money grows on trees" experience, and not the worst incident of his life.

I guess I would tell him, "You know what, I am kind of upset that I don't want to talk about this right now because I am afraid I will over react. Daddy just told me not to spend any money, and this will be expensive. Give me some time to think about this. Let's pray about it and ask God to help us figure out what to do, and then we can maybe make some popcorn and read a book, and we will deal with this later." Or if you aren't religious, "Let's sit here together and think about it" or whatever - but something that will calm his spirit AND yours, and then a change of scene - a snuggle with a book - and THEN deal with it when you can just deal with the event.

I always think that when things happen like glass shattering and kid crying, we release all kinds of "panic" hormones that make us overreact. So wait until you aren't responding to the stress of the moment, and TELL him that's what you are doing.

I think this is excellent advice. I also think (without having read all the responses) that he might not exactly be lying when he says it was an accident. I think 6-year-old's can still have poor impulse control that can lead them to do things when they haven't really thought about the reality of the consequences. He may consider the broken glass the accident, because in the calm, rational part of his head, he didn't really expect that to happen. KWIM?