Question for horse people with spouses....

[hmsch4me]

Do you fight when you're with the horses? For some reason my dh and I can't help but to fight in some way when it comes to horses. I find I leave the situation saying I just don't care. I had horses for 7 years when I was a kid and we got into them this past year because my dd loves them and took lessons. We now have 6 - too many, IMO and a lot of work that the kids and myself do because dh is out of town during the weekdays. My dh has no experience with horses, but lots of ideas and opinions! I just don't know what it is. I really feel like it's best if we don't go riding together until we get more experienced. We do have a lesson teacher helping us out, so I try to leave most to her. Is it me? I'd love for this to work, but it just doesn't. Does anyone else have this type of problem?

[Cindyg]

As much as I love to discuss horses, I don't understand this topic. Is the problem that you and your husband argue ABOUT the horses? I don't understand your arguing when you're WITH the horses. Or is the problem that you are overwhelmed by the horses?

You say you have six of them. How many humans? Personally, I have a rule--no more horses than riders. So, if 4 of you ride, then 4 horses, max. But does DH ride?

Why do you feel like it's best if you don't go riding together? Is it because none of you feels competent? Do you have an enclosed area to ride in? A round pen? Can you get one? You should not be riding out (on trails or in an open field) alone or together unless each of you is experienced. One out of control horse can endanger the entire group.

Are these horses at your house? You said you leave most of it up to your lesson teacher. Most of what?

Tell us more, and I'd be glad to discuss it with you.

I can tell you my husband has no interest in my horse. He went riding with me one time when we were dating. That would have been around 1980. He figured that was enough. :)

However, he supports my horse (financially, I mean); and he does the heavy lifting (bales of hay) and the mowing. And usually when I get a great idea to spend a little more money on the horse (lessons, a clinic, a saddle), usually he figures out a way to make it happen. And I REALLY appreciate that.

Honestly, it would drive me crazy if he took up riding. I really like to work on my own, and I would not want him advising me or competing with me. Or criticizing me.

On the other hand, I've known of families who split up over horses. The husband was jealous. The wife was obsessed. Neither would budge. The wife ended up with the horses. I've seen it happen. :(

[Michele in New Zealand]

:DUmmmm yes! We don't have horses now. He is NOT horsey, I am, my daughters took up riding, we moved to a farm, bought too many horses, we fought, sold horses, and are moving back to town.

The whole horse thing created way, way too much tension among all of us. My daughter was a national level show and dressage rider and the better she got, the more it cost and the more my husband resented it. He was really helpful when it came to the physical work, clipping out legs, bale lifting, loading stroppy ponies, and legging my daughter up, but it all took it's toll.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't do it. I LOVE horses - you know what it's like, it is like horses are in your blood, a part of you - but I love my husband more, my marriage more and my precious family more. It is that simple.

http://mcphotography.smugmug.com/photos/156455727_FbQmF-S.jpg
Hopefully above pic will work. That's our grey pony that we just sold. :D

I hope it all works out for you.

Big hugs,
Michele.

[Remudamom]

Wow, gorgeous pony. I love greys. Showing at that level is a way of life. Very demanding.

I love it when dh will come out and critique me. He's a better rider than me. I do better groundwork though!

[Remudamom]

the rule is a horse for everyone, a spare horse in case original horse is lame and another horse that has a different set of skills for a change of pace.

Hmmmm, that means I'm short about three horses for us.

[Ottakee]

My dh doesn't do horses (unless they are under the hood of a vehicle). He leaves all the horse stuff up to me. I board our horses so it is easier.

Dh does pull the hay wagon down the road, fix the horse trailer, weld the round pen, etc. but he has NO interest in riding or spending time with the actual horses.

[hmsch4me]

I actually think I have a better grasp on the problem today. My dh, dd, and I went to an indoor arena yesterday to get our lesson. I had a terrible time. I used to ride as a kid (owned horses for 7 years - rode all the time, had my share of falls), but now find myself struggling for a seat, balance and tackling a lot of fear. It doesn't help that every horse I've spent any significant time on has decided to crowhop and get difficult. My dh doesn't have this problem - he's fearless, so he canters all around and just does it! He's never fallen off or had bad experiences to deal with. I realized I might be jealous. Now that he rides more, maybe not better, but more than I do, I can't tell him anything. I think that's my biggest challenge. I have an opinion! He doesn't want to hear it when riding - understood.

I think the second element to all this is that dh travels during the week, so the kids and I take care of the horses. With all we need to do it takes a good hour in the morning and hour at night - we don't have the best system set up, which we are working on. It's a lot of work when you're not really enjoying the riding. I really want to throw my hands up and say I'm done. I enjoy the horses and being around them - I even love ground work, but the riding is breaking me down emotionally. This leads to my getting my feelings hurt easily and getting angry at my dh.

I'm wondering if I just put the riding to the side for now and focused on ground work, etc. would be better for everyone. I need to keep my comments to myself and let dh figure things out for himself - so I need to have my mind on something different. My only concern is that I don't want to become MORE fearful by not riding. I don't have experience with this. Any comments are more than welcome.

[Mekanamom]

My DH is not horsey, but he supports my horsey habit!

He lets me know what horse things he thinks are "stupid", though. Not enough for us to really argue about it, because I can see his point (most of the time.)

But as far as training and riding... I am very very lucky, because DH happens to really like and respect the two trainers I study the most. Very often, he will observe something and correct me, or compliment me, or make some kind of relevant comment because he actually knows what it is I'm trying to accomplish. He doesn't feel the desire to do any training himself, but he's great as another pair eyes on the ground for me!

I think it helps that DH is Australian, and he thinks Clinton Anderson is a breath of fresh air. :D

... We have the one horse for each rider ratio over here. Plus we board my SIL's horse, and we have the two minis. I think I should be able to get 4 minis before they count as one horse, though... so maybe we have a tiny bit more room in our barn...? :o

[Mekanamom]

I'm wondering if I just put the riding to the side for now and focused on ground work, etc. would be better for everyone. I need to keep my comments to myself and let dh figure things out for himself - so I need to have my mind on something different. My only concern is that I don't want to become MORE fearful by not riding. I don't have experience with this. Any comments are more than welcome.

Hmm, well, groundwork really helps my confidence... but I am also a rider who is starting my first green horse and haven't actually gotten on yet. I've been riding the kids' horses! But... the more I do groundwork and see my horse responding, the braver I get.

So the issue with your DH is that he's progressed to the point where he doesn't want your input? And you're struggling a bit and he seems to have an easier time? Now, when you're having your lesson... are the two of you having a lesson together with one instructor? Because your instructor should be helping you with the seat, balance, and fear issues. Maybe you and DH should have individual lessons for a little while. How long have you been back into horses?

Oh, I hear ya on all the work... it is a lot of work. My kids and I spend 1-2 hours out there everyday just feeding, grooming and keeping things clean. Then riding time on top of that. I count it as P.E., though!

[Cindyg]

Oh, see, this is just what I wouldn't want. I used to have a friend in your very same situation. She and I were studying dressage very seriously, and her husband would hop on a horse once a year and show her up -- cantering off without a thought, etc. I would hate it if my husband did that.

Your lack of confidence on horseback is a VERY COMMON experience for women. I can't tell you how many times I've read this and heard this same story: used to do anything with a horse as a girl, but now everything is a struggle. I had the EXACT same experience myself! I am in the midst of a huge struggle out of being afraid of my horse. (I'm near the end of the struggle; that is, I am almost over the fear. I've been working on it for 10 years.)

Your body isn't the same. Your balance isn't the same. Your muscles aren't the same. Your time isn't the same. (You don't have the hours to bond with the horse). Your responsibilities aren't the same. (If you get hurt, it will be a full-scale disaster). Your sense of mortality isn't the same. (You used to have a sense of IMmortality. Ha!) This is a very common experience. You are nowhere near being alone on this.

My suggestion: Get into a training program like Parelli (which is is what I do) or Clinton Anderson (which is what Remudamom does) or John Lyons or -- goodness there are many of them to choose from. Buy the Level 1 beginner program, pick out your easiest horse, and start at the beginning like you've never been around horses before. You need to learn new ways that will work for you at this point in your life.

You should not be riding a horse who crowhops. You are a mother with serious responsibilities. You should not take chances.

Yes, the groundwork will give you confidence in the saddle. Absolutely. It will also improve your relationship with the horse so that he won't crowhop. Remember what John Lyon says: Do what you can't do, not what you can't do. If you love groundwork and riding is tearing you up emotionally, stop riding for now. Come back to it when you and your horse have a working relationship together.

Next suggestion: rather than getting rid of all the horses, why not pare it down to a few. However many you can realistically manage. Seriously, how many horses does your family need at one time? How many of those horses are safe? How many do you have time for? As much as I love my horse, I could not devote an hour twice a day to barn chores. I take it your horses are in a self-care barn? If you had fewer horses, could you move them to a full care barn, or better yet, could they be put out to pasture where they can take care of themselves? On days I don't ride, my horse requires about 5 minutes of care a day. (He's on pasture with an automatic waterer. I do throw him a flake of hay several times a day.)

And as far as your DH -- I have no advice. I'm very thankful my husband doesn't ride. But do let him know that you appreciate him helping with the heavy work.

P.S. to Michele: Gorgeous picture!

[Ottakee]

I am in a similar position. I am 37 and bought a horse just over a year ago. I rode him for a year but after coming off 5 times---the last 2 big bucks, I decided he needed a new home and I needed a new horse.
I have my riding instructor helping me look. We are looking at geldings (no marish issues) that are at least 10 and more like 15-18 years old that have been there, done that, and have LOTS and LOTS of miles under them. I would not look at a young horse.
I would also suggest that you buy the books, How Your Horse Wants You to Ride and MORE How Your Horse Wants You to Ride. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/104-3914339-7073500?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=how+your+horse+wants+you+to+ride&x=18&y=16 They are wonderful for helping you learn how to build up your confidence in the saddle. There is also a yahoo group Riding with Confidence that might be worth joining.
I like CA Riding with Confidence series of DVDs but you really need to have certain skills before you can do that type of riding.
I am still searching for a nice calm and quiet horse for myself. I am riding my instructor's 18 year old mare now when the weather cooperates but she has a past injury and can't do much riding.
I might also look for another instructor---one that realizes your fears and will help you and not push you too much.

[Remudamom]

Well, I'm blessed beyond belief. My dh has ridden all his life on the ranch. He's probably a better "by the seat of his pants" rider than I am. He can ride out a buck better than me, I'm better at groundwork than he is. It's a toss up as to who can "read" a horse better, I'll say I can.

He thinks Clinton Anderson is a great teacher that knows what he's doing, and dh isn't too proud or stubborn to learn new things from CA or me. Usually the way we do things is that I'll do all the work from birth till they're ready to ride, then dh or oldest son (and lately the younger kids) will do the first ride with me supervising in the round pen. We are CA by the book.

After dh is convinced the horse is ready, he hands it over to me, and I put miles on it. Later he'll be the one to work with a horse doing cattle work, although we do less and less of that the older we get.

He's smart too. He listens to me ramble on and on about the herd, pays all the horse bills no questions, and tells me he thinks I'm the best trainer around.

He does make fun of my Arabians, although he will concede that they are easier to train than the Quarter horses. Other than that, we don't have much horse conflict around here.