Texas T
09-11-2008, 11:57 AM
My 13yodd is kind of dealing with a manipulative teenage girl situation right now. It is mostly one girl in particular whom dd has considered her best friend.
The stickiness of the situation is that this girl is a neighbor whose brother is a great friend to my ds. This is not the first time we have had issues with the girl. She's rather Eddy Haskellish, IMO, from an unhealthy home situation, and we've tried to "bear with her" through her ups and downs. I've prayed a lot about this friendship because I sense the girl's deep insecurity problems and her desire to fit in no matter the cost, and didn't really want that type of influence for dd. She's flirty and acts ridiculously brainless around boys when she is a bright, intelligent girl otherwise. I'm trying to balance my aversion to her behaviors with the fact that dd is getting a little older and I need to let her "see" these things for herself. I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. ;)
She and her family have started going to our church in the past 8 months or so, and she seems to be doing all she can to sabotage any friendships dd has with others. She seems, most often, either unhealthily jealous of dd's friendships with others or driven to show up dd and try to make these other girls like her more than they dd, which leads the other girls to find her incredibly annoying. So within the past month, she has played the game of trying to make dd jealous. It has backfired, as dd is starting to think she's just a flake. All attempts seem to fail for the girl because dd is fairly mature and doesn't know how to play the teen politics games she sees around her nor does she even remotely desire to become that type of person. Dd has some solid friendhips with girls that don't go to our church who have healthy home lives and don't involve themselves in these things, so she sees that a good life can be had as a teen girl without that nonsense.
This girl has, within the week, stopped speaking to dd entirely. Dd waves at her, and she won't even look at her. Okay. This all sounds like God is possibly answering my prayers. Here is my problem: While I distrust the girl, I have a love and compassion for her and I SEE why she is doing what she is doing. I know her history; I know her hurt. Her mom has told me that my dd is one of the best things that has happened to her, her self-esteem has improved, she's happier, etc. The mom sees this stuff and has even come right out and told me that she thinks this is all her dd's fault. I've spoken to dd, and I concur. Dd is just rather baffled by the nonsense. I've counseled dd somewhat on the "whys" of the girl's behavior. Dd is at a point now that she's not going to make forward attempts to the girl because she sees that is exactly what the girl wants from her.
How should I counsel dd in this? SHOULD I counsel dd in this? She is somewhat hurt by the situation, but does seem relatively calm about it and aware that the friendship may dissolve but that it will be entirely by this girl's choice. Dd seems to be setting some good boundaries in what not to put up with in a friendship. I think I have this thing in me that it is my job to "fix" things, and that if there is a problem in a friendship it MUST be solved and reconciled. Anyone have any wisdom for me?
Teresa
The stickiness of the situation is that this girl is a neighbor whose brother is a great friend to my ds. This is not the first time we have had issues with the girl. She's rather Eddy Haskellish, IMO, from an unhealthy home situation, and we've tried to "bear with her" through her ups and downs. I've prayed a lot about this friendship because I sense the girl's deep insecurity problems and her desire to fit in no matter the cost, and didn't really want that type of influence for dd. She's flirty and acts ridiculously brainless around boys when she is a bright, intelligent girl otherwise. I'm trying to balance my aversion to her behaviors with the fact that dd is getting a little older and I need to let her "see" these things for herself. I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. ;)
She and her family have started going to our church in the past 8 months or so, and she seems to be doing all she can to sabotage any friendships dd has with others. She seems, most often, either unhealthily jealous of dd's friendships with others or driven to show up dd and try to make these other girls like her more than they dd, which leads the other girls to find her incredibly annoying. So within the past month, she has played the game of trying to make dd jealous. It has backfired, as dd is starting to think she's just a flake. All attempts seem to fail for the girl because dd is fairly mature and doesn't know how to play the teen politics games she sees around her nor does she even remotely desire to become that type of person. Dd has some solid friendhips with girls that don't go to our church who have healthy home lives and don't involve themselves in these things, so she sees that a good life can be had as a teen girl without that nonsense.
This girl has, within the week, stopped speaking to dd entirely. Dd waves at her, and she won't even look at her. Okay. This all sounds like God is possibly answering my prayers. Here is my problem: While I distrust the girl, I have a love and compassion for her and I SEE why she is doing what she is doing. I know her history; I know her hurt. Her mom has told me that my dd is one of the best things that has happened to her, her self-esteem has improved, she's happier, etc. The mom sees this stuff and has even come right out and told me that she thinks this is all her dd's fault. I've spoken to dd, and I concur. Dd is just rather baffled by the nonsense. I've counseled dd somewhat on the "whys" of the girl's behavior. Dd is at a point now that she's not going to make forward attempts to the girl because she sees that is exactly what the girl wants from her.
How should I counsel dd in this? SHOULD I counsel dd in this? She is somewhat hurt by the situation, but does seem relatively calm about it and aware that the friendship may dissolve but that it will be entirely by this girl's choice. Dd seems to be setting some good boundaries in what not to put up with in a friendship. I think I have this thing in me that it is my job to "fix" things, and that if there is a problem in a friendship it MUST be solved and reconciled. Anyone have any wisdom for me?
Teresa