I need opinions on what to do about a memorial service...

[Holly in FL]

A friend of mine and I used to rent a house from an elderly couple. I taught with their daughter, sang in the daughter's emsemble...even taught three out of her six children. The elderly mother is the one who died.

Now, I've been out of contact with this whole family for almost 10 years. I've seen a family member here and there over the years.

Part of me feels badly if I don't go to the memorial, but I have a standing appointment with my children the same day. So, I wouldn't be able to stay for the service...just the viewing. Also, I would need to bring along my children with me. They don't know this family at all.

I'm waffling between just sending a card...or...do I bring my children with me and make it a *learning experience* for them?

I know some of you have been in similar situations. I'd love some feedback. The family would never miss me if I don't go. As I said, I'm not in contact with me at all...but, I'm sure they would be happy to see me if I did.

Thanks for any input!
~Holly

[Tammyla]

Based on what you've said, I'd send a card and possibly flowers.
I've always considered funerals to be kind of sacred, not a learning place for young children; especially for those who don't know the deceased. Please understand my thoughts here are out of respect for the family who lost a loved one. Children just don't grasp the gravity of loss and grief. Babies always seem to be welcomed as well as older teens, but little kids are kids.

It goes without saying that you know the family and your children and what is best. Sounds like your heart is in the right place.

Blessings~

[Holly in FL]

Thanks, Tammy.

I know they would welcome my children...and my kids are VERY well behaved.

I may just send a card and a donation to a specific ministry, as requested by the family.

~Holly

[kdeno]

If they are old enough I might try to stop in just for the viewing. I think it is very kind of you to be so thoughtful toward the family. I am sorry about your loss.

Kari

[Rebecca in GA]

Holly, I understand your hesitation. As for whether the family will miss you if you aren't there, that's likely true. But when my brother died in November, his funeral was very well attended, and some of those folks were ones we hadn't seen in 30 years. His classmates, his teammates, his friends from college...all aspects of his life represented. It was touching to see them all turn out to honor my brother, and the years just melted away as they paid their respects. Until I was on the other side of things, I never realized how much comfort I would be able to provide for a bereaved family simply by being there. Visitations and funerals are incredibly difficult for me right now -- in fact, I make an idiot out of myself every time I smell lillies -- but it's a promise I made to myself in memory of Ben.

Take that for what it's worth, though. I'm still in a lot of pain.

[Holly in FL]

Thanks, Kari.

~Holly

[Scarlett]

I would go to the viewing at least and take your children. You would likely regret not going more than going.

[Holly in FL]

Oh...I can understand how you feel. I didn't include the other part of my hestitation. It's been 6 years since my father died, and I've only been to one funeral in that time...and it was HARD!

I think I may stop in for a brief visit. I'll see how I feel about it on Monday.

Thanks!
~Holly

[Holly in FL]

Thanks! I'm thinking the same thing.

~Holly

[cricket1178]

Oh...I can understand how you feel. I didn't include the other part of my hestitation. It's been 6 years since my father died, and I've only been to one funeral in that time...and it was HARD!

I think I may stop in for a brief visit. I'll see how I feel about it on Monday.

Thanks!
~Holly

When my friend's father died, many, many, people came to the visitation and funeral. My friend was so touched by the outpouring of people that she always attends a visitation. She said until her own experience she wasn't aware of how much it really meant to people.

If it is still too hard for you, because of your father's death, to go to the visitation and you won't feel any sense of regret; then send a card and maybe flowers. Otherwise, I agree with going. Like you said, you can give it 'til Monday to make a decision.;)

[MaryM]

While it might be difficult, I suspect the family will get so much from hearing of your wonderful interactions with the deceased. I know when my Mom died, I was anti-viewings and didn't let my own child go but after spending time with so man thoughtful people who shared stories about my Mom, it was so powerful that I think differently now about the whole thing. If you can make it happen, I would try.

Mary

[Holly in FL]

Thanks for the input!

~Holly

[strider]

In your letter, express what you appreciated about these people, and perhaps tell a story or two from your time together. It's a real gift to help grieving people remember, to know that others remember and treasure the person who has passed on.

[Holly in FL]

That's a great idea!

Thanks so much!
~Holly