This time he hit me...

[BMW]

Just thought I'd throw out our recent episode with 9yob - he's been challenging as far as disobedience goes, etc. and I've had a few posts about it.

He had a bit of what I call "street justice". His teacher made him leave the class while others had a fun activity (because of his being on the no activities list at school for not doing his school work). Then some of the children talked about it - saying that he was "not a very good boy... he does't do his work..." It really affected him. Got his attention. I didn't add to or take away from the sting... it, to me, was a good example of living with consequences.

Yesterday he got a terrible attitude on the drive to church (less than 10 min. drive) and disobeyed his dad and we told him that if he didn't change the attitude (extremely hostile), he couldn't go to sunday school, but would go with us to church (regular service). I don't like taking away a good church time from him, but I couldn't let him go with this attitude, it was WAY bad, and to turn around and leave would hurt the other 8 children and so... We walk up to one building and I ask dh to walk 8yob to his class and 9yob and I will wait in the church lobby. I take hold of 9yob's hand. He jerks it away and makes a run for dad. I go behind him and say, "No, you are coming with me." And I take his hand again. He screams, "I don't want to go with you! I want to go to my teacher!!" And he starts hitting my arm, which is holding his hand. Then he throws his body towards the ground and digs his feet in beside mine to pull away from me. A NINE year old boy!!!

His dad took him aside, talked to him, walked him back to me and I took hold of his hand and he walked to church with me and sat beside me. I remembered a mom here talking about hugging the child when they are disobeying. I did not feel like it, but I did. I whispered that love covers all of our wrongs and that I'd always love him. He hugged and pouted, then kept hugging me. It was over an hour of service for him to be next to me and be hugged. The rest of the day he was fine. (He had a good Sat. before Sun. morning and a good night's sleep)

But, the mom of justice in me says that his behavior was horrible and deserves a punishment... Just being honest about it. That's how I feel. He acted like a horrible brat out, thinking he could scream and hit his way away from me and get to his teacher... We don't spank, but this situation made me want to! I told dh that in the olden days dad would have taken boy out behind the wood shed and boy would have got a new attitude! (Please no flames, I DONT spank!)

Where do I go from here? Do I just move on and not look back? What would you have done? At the time it happened, several children were already at their services (middle school and high school programs)... would you have walked back and sat at the car and waited, with child? Or? What would you do now that it is over? I plan on talking about it with him... I wish there was some punishment for this because I don't want him to think that he can get away with this type of behavior - this is a boy with genetics that will make him much stronger and larger than I am - I want him on MY side!!

Thanks for taking time with me here,
Bee

[Remudamom]

Bless your heart for keeping your temper and hugging that child. I was a spanker, (I'm not anymore simply because mine are big, and I think the window for spanking is pretty small) but I think you handled it well.

It sounds like there is some behavior going on that should have been addressed when he was much, much younger. This really sounds like something a four yr old would try.

It's already been a day. If there were going to be consequences I think they should have been immediate. By this time I'd just move on. But I do have to say that if he hit me again retribution would be swift and terrible.

[Cadam]

I think you did just fine and yes you go on without looking back. He received his consequence and then was reassured of your love. Just a guess but could his misbehavior be his way of trying to prove if you love him or not? The most important thing you can do is to keep tying the heart strings, building relationship and accept that he may never really, trully believe you love him in the depths of his heart. Sometimes hurt is too great and even if he believes in his head his feelings come from a confused and angry and hurt little heart.

If you respond firmly and then assure him of your love you are answering his unspoken question "Is there anything I can do to make you stop loving me, to make you leave?". I know his bio mom died but this kid feels abandoned, and probably feels guilty on top of it for feeling abandoned and angry at his mom. Not exactly news to you but sometimes us step moms need reminders of what are little ones are saying with their behavior.

You are lucky, my son will not hug me and has never said he loves me.

Maybe books for people who have adopted older kids would help you? Years ago I read "Loving someone else's child" and at the time I found it interesting , although I don't remember much about it.

[Remudamom]

I missed that you are stepmom. Triple kudos to you for being so loving to that child.

[3lilreds in NC]

Bee, you didn't let him get away with it. Getting away with it would have meant letting him go to his class after all that drama - that would have shown him that his horrible behavior was effective.

I think you did exceptionally well. Your response sounds ideal to me. I'm not one of the experts but I think you were fabulous.

Honestly, I think you need to let it go. Don't bring any more attention to the incident. He didn't get what he wanted - he needs to be forgiven.

Has he been getting enough sleep? Eating anything with extra sugar or preservatives? I have missed previous posts if you've been having other issues with this child, so I apologize. Normally when I see outbreaks of craziness in my kids, it's their diet or their lack of sleep. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

[Carol in Cal.]

And I do not spank (although I left the door open for safety issues or massive disrespect.)

But I think that you handled it well. The results kind of show it.

To follow up, though, I would make double sure that you hug him a lot when you are positive together--you don't want him to unconsciously start to misbehave to get good attention. And, I would review how you expect him to behave in church next Saturday. I would also look for chances to read books to the whole family that talk about attitude. He might be a little young for "So Far From the Bamboo Grove", but maybe you can find another one that praises a good attitude without being too preachy about it. Catch him doing good and comment on it. Catch him showing a good attitude and comment on how much you enjoy being around him.

Good for you!

[Mrs Mungo]

I know you've brought up many issues with him here. It's been suggested several times you seek family counseling. I think he needs more than punishment and more than love and affection.

Didn't his mom only die a year or so ago? I think his dad remarrying before the boy even has a chance to fully grieve is going to make this extra-hard. I've never been in this situation and none of the things I would do with my own kids apply in this *very specific* situation. I think you all need outside help from a family counselor and he probably needs to be seeing a counselor on his own as well.

[nakitty]

Bee, you didn't let him get away with it. Getting away with it would have meant letting him go to his class after all that drama - that would have shown him that his horrible behavior was effective.

I think you did exceptionally well. Your response sounds ideal to me. I'm not one of the experts but I think you were fabulous.

Honestly, I think you need to let it go. Don't bring any more attention to the incident. He didn't get what he wanted - he needs to be forgiven.

Has he been getting enough sleep? Eating anything with extra sugar or preservatives? I have missed previous posts if you've been having other issues with this child, so I apologize. Normally when I see outbreaks of craziness in my kids, it's their diet or their lack of sleep. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

:iagree: forgive and forget...he did NOT get his way....and he corrected his behavior....

[Hoggirl]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I think you handled this really well. I can only offer that the fall after my ds turned 9, was the. worst. time. ever. He had a total melt down (I mean, like a two-year-old tantrum) at the Steak & Shake in Branson. He was ticked b/c they had put whipped cream on his milkshake, so he felt like he got cheated out of some of the milkshake and said he wanted another! Of course, we told him, "Uh, no," and he started having a kicking, screaming, crying F-I-T! His daddy had to CARRY him out of the restaurant with him wailing, "But I'm HUNGRY!" After, of course, he had already eaten his entire meal of fries and chicken strips. I have never been so mortified in my life. And, yes, he was 9! This was not his only "episode," but it was his most public. We had lots of obedience issues coupled with physical anger. All I can say is that the second half of 9 was better and all of age ten was truly an absolute dream. I can't guarantee this will be your situation, but maybe it will be! :) I just think there is something about 9 yo boys!

[Cadam]

I know you've brought up many issues with him here. It's been suggested several times you seek family counseling. I think he needs more than punishment and more than love and affection.

Didn't his mom only die a year or so ago? I think his dad remarrying before the boy even has a chance to fully grieve is going to make this extra-hard. I've never been in this situation and none of the things I would do with my own kids apply in this *very specific* situation. I think you all need outside help from a family counselor and he probably needs to be seeing a counselor on his own as well.

I think I remember that they are in counseling but ya, his little life got turned upside down a few times and it might not get right side up for a long time.
:grouphug: for you Bee. You have taken on a very big challenge.

[BMW]

Thanks! I will take those :grouphug:!! I appreciate the encouragement.

Yep, we are in counseling. We have a fabulous therapist. She has been seeing 9yob for just a couple months, although she's seen me for a year now. These moments hit me and I forget the progress we have made and the blessings that we do have:).

I know my situation is unique, but our therapist believes that we have to see our step children as our very own children... that helps me in many ways, but I think I'd be harder on my own!! It helps to hear back from you who are not in my situation and how you see it - or to hear about your children or situations, because when I'm in the midst of it, it gets all muddy... but when I look at your kiddos, I think, "Well, now, I'd just do _____" !!!

Thanks,
Bee

[Cadam]

Thanks! I will take those :grouphug:!! I appreciate the encouragement.

Yep, we are in counseling. We have a fabulous therapist. She has been seeing 9yob for just a couple months, although she's seen me for a year now. These moments hit me and I forget the progress we have made and the blessings that we do have:).

I know my situation is unique, but our therapist believes that we have to see our step children as our very own children... that helps me in many ways, but I think I'd be harder on my own!! It helps to hear back from you who are not in my situation and how you see it - or to hear about your children or situations, because when I'm in the midst of it, it gets all muddy... but when I look at your kiddos, I think, "Well, now, I'd just do _____" !!!

Thanks,
Bee

They are our children but they deal with unique struggles that can't always be dealt with in the same way we otherwise would. I see my dss much like I would an older adopted child. Totally mine, but with a unique history that I have to take into account.

This job may be the hardest, most impactful thing you ever do in your life. In my experience, even on the worst days, I don't regret that I chose to love these children. I don't regret choosing to be his mother. Sometimes you will get a flash of that beautiful smile or a "thanks mom" and it carries you through 100 hard days. Remember that this child chose to hug you and let that carry you through.

[Danestress]

Are you regularly seeing a counselor with this child?

I wrote a long post to you last time and shared that I also (when I married DH) became the step mother of a boy whose mother had died. He shared many many things in common with your step-son. Same difficulties with school, same defiance, but also a real sweetness and intelligence.

Let me tell you, it was a hard path to walk. It really was. It took a lot of patience, though at 20, he's just such a pleasure and blessing to my life.

But the one real regret I have is that we didn't work with a Christian counselor who was well versed in grief counseling early enough or long enough or often enough. I'm telling you, I don't care which other child doesn't get braces or who can't take piano or whether you eat beans and rice all year. Spend the money find a really really good counselor who is really great with boys and really understands the trauma this child has experienced. As I recall, it's a very fresh wound for him - less than two years, right? I think you need to work with someone who understands that this is a boy with a deep wound to his soul.

Honestly, everyone in my life counseled me not to cut this child extra slack just because of his circumstances. Many many people said he was manipulative and using his mother's death as an excuse to be have badly (even though he never did that outloud - never said anything remotely like that) and I listened. And like all advice, it had some wisdom to it. But I really wish I had understood better that he was a survivor of a terrible, tragedy. I resisted that notion, because it was painful to me to think that he wasn't sort of lucky to have me. I was threatened by it. I talked about his mother to him, kept her belongs for him, hung her ornaments on the tree - I thought I was very cool about it. But deep inside, I was threatened by the notion that I couldn't parent so well that he wouldn't be a damaged person. He was. And that wound in his soul hurts, but also makes him the incredibly sensitive, perceptive, kind-hearted man he is, so it's okay. God really DOES work things to the good for those who love him.

I can't even go to the discipline part of this. I think it's pretty clear that all the "no fun" punishments are not working. I really wish you could get the teachers and a counselor in a room together and ask, "how is this working out? The whole, "we can make you suffer if you don't perform" tactic? I know schools can't cater to the needs of each student. Even homeschools can't do that perfectly. But in the perfect world, this child's school experience would obviously look a lot different.

Anyway, I guess the take away point is, "get some serious, loving, practical, good humored counseling from someone who just seems to really get your son."

[Laura Corin]

I plan on talking about it with him... I wish there was some punishment for this because I don't want him to think that he can get away with this type of behavior - this is a boy with genetics that will make him much stronger and larger than I am - I want him on MY side!!

Thanks for taking time with me here,
Bee

You increased your parent power by making him want to be part of the family, welcoming him back in. He didn't get away with it - he had to sit with you when he didn't want to. Of course talking to him about correct behaviour is important, but you did the crucial things already: making sure he did the right thing, whilst letting him feel that he was part of a family whose rules he might want to follow. Won't that put him on your side?

ETA: I didn't see your previous posts, or the others in this thread before posting. It sounds as if you are having a really challenging time, and I hope my thoughts are still appropriate.

Best wishes

Laura

[Miss Sherry]

It sounds to me like some kind of family counseling would be helpful. I think there is something more going on with him other than the immediate circumstances that he misbehaves in. He seems to be over stressed and upset. That's why I think some kind of counseling could help.

edited to ad
I see you are already in counseling. Sorry, I should have read ALL of the posts first.

It seems that you are headed in the right direction. Good for you that you are putting out a lot to try to be patient and loving with this little guy. It must be so hard for you sometimes and very draining. Although there must be days it just seems like your love and patience are not making a difference, hang in there, in the long run you will be glad that you were a loving Mom to him.
There may be some issues that he needs addressed that have not been figured out yet because he does sound very upset and burdened. I hope the counselor will be able to address his real needs.
My heart goes out ot you. This does sound so difficult.

[LibraryLover]

Just thought I'd throw out our recent episode with 9yob - he's been challenging as far as disobedience goes, etc. and I've had a few posts about it.

He had a bit of what I call "street justice". His teacher made him leave the class while others had a fun activity (because of his being on the no activities list at school for not doing his school work). Then some of the children talked about it - saying that he was "not a very good boy... he does't do his work..." It really affected him. Got his attention. I didn't add to or take away from the sting... it, to me, was a good example of living with consequences.

Yesterday he got a terrible attitude on the drive to church (less than 10 min. drive) and disobeyed his dad and we told him that if he didn't change the attitude (extremely hostile), he couldn't go to sunday school, but would go with us to church (regular service). I don't like taking away a good church time from him, but I couldn't let him go with this attitude, it was WAY bad, and to turn around and leave would hurt the other 8 children and so... We walk up to one building and I ask dh to walk 8yob to his class and 9yob and I will wait in the church lobby. I take hold of 9yob's hand. He jerks it away and makes a run for dad. I go behind him and say, "No, you are coming with me." And I take his hand again. He screams, "I don't want to go with you! I want to go to my teacher!!" And he starts hitting my arm, which is holding his hand. Then he throws his body towards the ground and digs his feet in beside mine to pull away from me. A NINE year old boy!!!

His dad took him aside, talked to him, walked him back to me and I took hold of his hand and he walked to church with me and sat beside me. I remembered a mom here talking about hugging the child when they are disobeying. I did not feel like it, but I did. I whispered that love covers all of our wrongs and that I'd always love him. He hugged and pouted, then kept hugging me. It was over an hour of service for him to be next to me and be hugged. The rest of the day he was fine. (He had a good Sat. before Sun. morning and a good night's sleep)

But, the mom of justice in me says that his behavior was horrible and deserves a punishment... Just being honest about it. That's how I feel. He acted like a horrible brat out, thinking he could scream and hit his way away from me and get to his teacher... We don't spank, but this situation made me want to! I told dh that in the olden days dad would have taken boy out behind the wood shed and boy would have got a new attitude! (Please no flames, I DONT spank!)

Where do I go from here? Do I just move on and not look back? What would you have done? At the time it happened, several children were already at their services (middle school and high school programs)... would you have walked back and sat at the car and waited, with child? Or? What would you do now that it is over? I plan on talking about it with him... I wish there was some punishment for this because I don't want him to think that he can get away with this type of behavior - this is a boy with genetics that will make him much stronger and larger than I am - I want him on MY side!!

Thanks for taking time with me here,
Bee


Your son sounds like he is massive pain.

If he were mine (and he is not) I would try to figure out the pain.

It could be emotional. It could be chemical (The brain is a crazy place) . But there is something; a place, hormones (genetics, chemistry yada yada).

But no matter, you can't stop trying to understand.

[Miss Sherry]

I do hope that his father is on board with you in being sure that this little guy understands that there will be consequences for him being physical with you. It simply should not be tolerated regardless of what else is going on with him. Perhaps the counselor can help you all sort it all out.

boy, that was awful. I hope it gets taken care of now by his Dad so it does not continue to happen.
But you were extremely kind and patient. I don't know if I could have been as patient.
I think you deserve the Mom of the year award.

[swellmomma]

You are a stronger woman than I. My oldest son can be very violent and angry, and he has hit me a couple times. I don't mean hitting my arm, but full blown fist to my face. I can tell you right now, I did not hug him, I spanked him HARD. I fully regretting doing so, but it'll be a cold day in you know where when I will simply shrug off that behaviour. He already has a shrink that we work with and she started him on a med to help his anger/aggression(he was a danger to himself and others when he went into a rage). It rips your heart out when they act out this way, and I know once my anger at him for acting this way subsided I jsut wanted to cry and ask what I did so wrong to have such an angry boy.

I think if this si the first time he has been violent you handled it well, but I would also be setting up a time for him to talk to a counsellor to get the root of the problem because I know this little boys are not violent/angry because they want to be.

[strider]

Are you regularly seeing a counselor with this child?

I wrote a long post to you last time and shared that I also (when I married DH) became the step mother of a boy whose mother had died. He shared many many things in common with your step-son. Same difficulties with school, same defiance, but also a real sweetness and intelligence.

Let me tell you, it was a hard path to walk. It really was. It took a lot of patience, though at 20, he's just such a pleasure and blessing to my life.

But the one real regret I have is that we didn't work with a Christian counselor who was well versed in grief counseling early enough or long enough or often enough. I'm telling you, I don't care which other child doesn't get braces or who can't take piano or whether you eat beans and rice all year. Spend the money find a really really good counselor who is really great with boys and really understands the trauma this child has experienced. As I recall, it's a very fresh wound for him - less than two years, right? I think you need to work with someone who understands that this is a boy with a deep wound to his soul.

Honestly, everyone in my life counseled me not to cut this child extra slack just because of his circumstances. Many many people said he was manipulative and using his mother's death as an excuse to be have badly (even though he never did that outloud - never said anything remotely like that) and I listened. And like all advice, it had some wisdom to it. But I really wish I had understood better that he was a survivor of a terrible, tragedy. I resisted that notion, because it was painful to me to think that he wasn't sort of lucky to have me. I was threatened by it. I talked about his mother to him, kept her belongs for him, hung her ornaments on the tree - I thought I was very cool about it. But deep inside, I was threatened by the notion that I couldn't parent so well that he wouldn't be a damaged person. He was. And that wound in his soul hurts, but also makes him the incredibly sensitive, perceptive, kind-hearted man he is, so it's okay. God really DOES work things to the good for those who love him.

I can't even go to the discipline part of this. I think it's pretty clear that all the "no fun" punishments are not working. I really wish you could get the teachers and a counselor in a room together and ask, "how is this working out? The whole, "we can make you suffer if you don't perform" tactic? I know schools can't cater to the needs of each student. Even homeschools can't do that perfectly. But in the perfect world, this child's school experience would obviously look a lot different.

Anyway, I guess the take away point is, "get some serious, loving, practical, good humored counseling from someone who just seems to really get your son."

If memory serves, he lost his mother and gained a stepmother in less than two years. The loss of a loving mother is a huge trauma--two years is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of dealing with that pain. Add to that gaining a stepmother--no matter how loving you truly are, it is still a monumental adjustment and a monumental idea to wrap his mind around. Two years to deal with this is just. not. that. much. time.

I have dealt extensively with hurting children, both through foster care and because I am part-time parenting five little cousins whose mother is dying of a brain tumor. (They have stayed at my house part of the week for nearly four years now.) Hurting children often do not know WHY they act out--they are hurting, and their behavior reflects that. With boys it is extremely common for their hurt to play out in anger and aggression.

Some thoughts to add to the wisdom Danestress offered:

--Your discipline should pull him INTO relationship and interaction with you, not push him away. Cuddling him in church was absolutely the best thing you could have done, and you saw positive results. Yes, there needs to be consequences for poor behavior, but those consequences should pull him INTO relationship rather than isolating him.

--Your discipline needs to be as calm as possible. Decree the punishment ("you'll have to stay with me in church") calmly. Repeat calmly. Repeat calmly.

--This isn't a situation that going behind the woodshed with dad would fix. (I am absolutely NOT accusing you of anything! For what it's worth, I do spank, but I would not do so with this kid, in this situation.) This isn't a discipline issue--this is an issue of teaching a child to channel his normal, perfectly natural feelings about the death of his mother and changes in his life--he needs to learn to express those feelings appropriately, and to recognize how those feelings are spilling out into his daily life.

--He needs extra time with his father. Extra, focused, intentional, man-to-man time to play, wrestle, and just BE together. Make this a priority, even if it means getting up an hour earlier or rearranging your lives.

--He needs exercise, lots of it. Boys need this, and hurting boys need it even more. Can you sign him up for a sport? Hire a teen to come kick a soccer ball around with him in the yard? Take him for a bike ride before starting school? Get a trampoline?

Look at what worked well, what defused the intensity, in your situation with your son at church. I know it is hard--it is a day to day, uphill battle. Try to remember the gaping wound inside him, and try to remember that he is just a kid and does not have the maturity or experience to navigate that pain alone.

:grouphug:

[Amy in NH]

I think you did the right thing all the way around.