Encouraging competitiveness?

[~Tara~]

My boys could use a little help here. I know, sounds backwards doesn't it? But my boys just lack that drive that I see in so many other boys. Competitiveness can be a good thing. I would like to see some of it in my boys. But I fear I have done omething to DIScourage it to this point. Can I "fix" it? Can I turn this around? How can I encourage it in the younger ones?

Here's the quick story...
My boys race BMX. They do fairly well. They do have some skill there. But on race days...it all goes out the window. They shut down and let the others fly past. They don't even try. I know because I have seen how well they CAN do.

Then they get all upset because they got their butts whooped on the track. Well...get IN there and RACE! kwim? They just won't get in there and fight. They won't stand for their line. There's no drive. They give up, get walked over, then get miffed about losing.

I would like to see them finish better because I know they have it in them. I want to encourage that. Encourage them to do well, without being..I don't know..just ... without being too rough and making them think they *must* do well.

Are my boys just freaks for not being competitive? Was it my fault? Can I instill some of it now?

[nakitty]

any chance you can get them a coach....someone that isn't Mom or Dad...that generally seems to help.

[plansrme]

Have you ever run across a book called Positive Pushing? I recommend it all the time for parents whose kids are in what the author calls "achievement activities." It has a wealth of information and practical advice (the main thrust of the book is to fall all over yourself to encourage effort, not results, and the results will follow). It's one of the few parenting books I've ever seen that recognizes the value of achievement and competition for children and gives you the tools to encourage kids to participate in these activities.
I can almost guarantee the book will have something to say about your situation.
Terri

[PiCO]

Then they get all upset because they got their butts whooped on the track.
...
Are my boys just freaks for not being competitive? Was it my fault? Can I instill some of it now?

If they are upset because they got their butts whooped, they are competitive (they want to do well.) It sounds like they don't know what to do to win. When they practice, are they the only ones on the track? Do you think the problems arise when they are racing with a bunch of kids? If so, maybe you can get together with other families for practice races.

I think getting a coach would be a good idea. Barring that, talk to them about what's going through their heads while they are racing. Talk about specific points in the race where they should have been agressive, but they weren't. What were they thinking? Were they scared? Did they think they would fall if they were agressive?

You could talk about how you have to take risks when you race. Yeah, you might blow the whole race this way- but you might also get ahead this way. Make goals for each race related to behaviors that they need to work on- being agressive, passing other racers, etc. Don't relate the goal to beating others, just improving their performance.

[~Tara~]

Thanks gals! I will look into that book, thank you. We do really try to encourage efforts. Speak positively about what they ARE doing.
And, as mentioned in the previous post, we talk to them about it. What they could be doing better. Helping them to see where they went 'wrong' and lost the race. And you're right, they are 'competitive' in the sense that they want to win/do well. We just can't get them to apply themselves.

They do their best when practicing alone. When there are group practices, they tend to lay back a bit more, wait for a lull in activity, just like on race days. We don't *know* anyone else who rides so we can't very easily schedule a day to meet up at the track for practice. We just go whenever we can...there may or may not be anyone else there. We encourage them to race one another, but that only goes so far since they are each at different skill levels..the 11 yr old can pump the rhythm sections, needs to work on speed and begin manualling, the 9 yr old is just working on getting faster (he's my tiny guy, doesn't seem to have much power at all) and form, and the 7 yr old is still working on standing up the whole time. Hubs did say he is going to work with them some more..riding by their side.

We do think some of Eldest's hesitation now is that he has taken a few spills. None were anything serious, but he has had a good scrape or two. He is my sensitive child though. If if hurts, forget it, he's not touching it again. Whereas my others can look past that and try again. It's harder for Eldest, so I think he's still clinging to those fears a bit. Though he's not seeing that he HAS raced again and HARDER AND stayed on the bike. He CAN do well, be agressive, and not crash.

Anyway, thanks for the input, I appreciate it. :)