What exactly is emotional abuse?

[Julpost]

I'm very disturbed about a family matter. My bil appears to have a problem w/anger. He used to be on antidepressants but stopped taking them because he doesn't want to be dependent on a pill for solving his problems.

Anyway, when they are having a disagreement, he will say his part, blaming her of course, but then doesn't let her have her say. She actually asked him, "Can I tell you my side now?" and he actually said no! So today he's mad at her because she said she thought he should turn off the TV at night and come to bed w/her sometimes. He took total offense at that, wouldn't speak to her unless it was in a snarly tone, and has been just nasty to be around. She says she said it in a joking, playful tone. Anyway, he was just yelling at her saying she was smarting off to him all morning.....smarting off?? What, is she thirteen again?

So I've been thinking about emotional abuse. What exactly is emotional abuse, how would you define it? It disturbs me to see her treated like child. He never apologizes for what he says when he's angry. He even does this to my nephew. He interrupts constantly and sometimes won't even let him finish his sentence. I guess because he already knows what's going to be said and doesn't want to hear it.

What can I say to my sister? This is really stressing me out.

[Twinmom]

That's the beginning, very early stages of emotional abuse (it can get much worse) that has it's root in a mental illness. He would likely be much better on medication, or at least on some other kind of natural tx for depression.

However...

You can't make him do it, you can't change a thing. To intervene will make things worse for your sister. She MIGHT be able to convince him to seek help again, but you cannot. If you are the praying kind, now's the time! Support and encourage her, don't get involved with his outbursts, pray unceasingly. Call the police if it escalates to violence.

I'm so sorry.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Yes this is emotional abuse. Does he try to control her finances and other aspects of her life also?

I would be seriously concerned for your sister and your nephew. This kind of abuse could very well turn into physical abuse.

I would suggest family counseling ASAP. I would also make sure your sister knows of a safe place to go, whether it be your house, a domestic violence shelter, SOMEWHERE.

I think also, it would do your sister good to speak with some women who went through abusive situations. Most communities have support groups of some kind.

I know you are stressed about this, but realize that your sister, even after being empowered with information, may choose to stay in the abusive relationship. I watched a woman I know stay with a man for 5 years who slapped her face.

:grouphug: This is not an easy situation to be in.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

We went through something similar with a family member. It was important (but very difficult) to not trash him - just to support her by listening and not judging. Sometimes family criticizing him can cause her to become more protective.

It might be useful to you (and her) to find some info on this kind of abuse and how to respond as a friend. Our local woman's shelter has handouts of how to help a friend who is being abused. If you have access to something like that it would probably give you some good advice that is applicable in all sorts of situations - not just physical abuse.

If it was my sister, I'd be encouraging her to have a safety plan just in case it becomes physical. However, that may be a difficult subject to raise if she's not ready to hear it.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug:

This is so painful to watch.

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Aurgh! My sister finally divorced a guy like this. It got much worse. Jerky behavior first, then on and on.
He actually told his little dds that he was thinking of adopting a boy so he could have someone to go fishing with.
Sis stayed with him waaaaay too long.

[Tammy]

as though she is allowing herself to be emotionally abused. Why is she still with this man?

Of course there isn't much you can do.....but hopefully....she will get fed up with it all....and leave.

My sister has been going through something similar for a long time now.....and she knows she can come here when she is ready.....I am just waiting for the knock on my door.

Tammy

[Parabola]

One of the scary things about emotional abuse is that as it goes on, all the terrible things that you are hearing from your spouse over and over again start to become true. You start believing it without even realizing it. It messes with your self esteem and self perception. You get eventually beaten down spiritually and mentally, you become powerless. It warps you. No matter how strong you are.

I used to never understand how a woman could let herself stay in an abusive relationship. But its not a no-brainer situation as one might think it to be.

The husband sounds mentally ill, I agree with the poster who said that. Did the anti-depressents help when he was taking them? I find it hard to swallow when someone says they won't take a pill to "solve their problems" for them because for one, it doesn't solve your problems, but it does help you see and deal with them. For two, its brain chemistry dude, and brain chemistry aint gonna fix itself.

Anyway, best wishes in dealing with this. Its a tough situation. You got some good advice from the previous posters. Her safety is paramount, keep an eye on her and be ready to call police or whatever you need to do should it become violent. It doesn't always, but it definitely can.

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

If you are close enough to your sister to talk about this (and unless you are considering an "intervention" I'd wait until she talks to you about this), I'd tell her that she needs to be firm about going to counseling, BUT that she should only say something like "If we don't get some help, I will file for separation" IF she is going to do it. No threats that go no where. Nada. None. John Gottman's book "Why Marriage Succeed or Fail" is very good. Very, very good. BIL, however, sounds like he's already spouting several of the "marriage killer" behaviors.

Was he better on anti-depressants? I had a couple of angry male patients who sent me flowers because I got them on meds that got them out of trouble at work and at home.

Is he like this ONLY to his family and a smooth guy the rest of the time, or is he rude, crude and obnoxious to everyone? If it is the former, I believe there are some people who think that is the road to success in life AND it makes the spouse so much more isolated, because people often just "love" the guy. IME it is less likely to change with meds because it is so volitional.

Old German saying: "Street angel, house devil".

Best of luck, and be a kind set of ears, no matter what she does. And be special to the nephew, too. Cards, little surprize gifts, etc. He is the truly innocent bystander.

[Julpost]

I really appreciate all of the advice!

BIL was MUCH better on meds. MUCH!!! He was a very reasonable person.

I think my sister is thinking of calling his doctor tomorrow. I'm not sure if bil will consider going on, I sure hope so.

He's a funny, great guy most of the time. A bit TOO goofy usually. Likes to joke constantly, sometimes you have to tell him to stop it and take something seriously. I think it has to do w/ comfort issues though. It's a way that he keeps people at arms length but still gets his social need taken care of. He jokes so much though that it drives my sister crazy. He has this thing where he likes to say something and my sister will go, "really?" and he'll either let her believe it for a bit or tell her, "no, I was just joking." Drives her nuts. She once decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and everytime he asked her something or said something, she'd respond w/some ridiculous joking answer. He hated it. She hated doing it, she was driving herself crazy. LOL. She had to stop. It was too exhaustng.

But he still does it. I don't know. It's crazy. He's like a huge teddy bear most of the time. He just seems to have some anger issues. He tried to commit suicide before he and my sister met. He's more likely to try to hurt himself than hurt anyone else I think. He really wouldn't hurt a fly. I just wonder why he gets mad so quickly and unpredictably. Childhood issues??

[Joanne]

A good author on the topic is Patricia Evans.

Lundy Bancroft also has a good book.

Here is a list of subtle abusive behaviors, taken from the Gentle Christian Mothers website:

Here’s the list.

Destructive criticism/verbal abuse: name calling, mocking; accusing; blaming; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures


Abusing authority: always claming to be right (insisting statements to be the “truth”); telling you what to do; making big decisions without consultation; using “logic”


Disrespect: interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of others; saying bad things about your friends and family


Abusing trust: lying, withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous


Emotional withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support; attention or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights, or opinions


Breaking promises: Not following through on agreements, not taking fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with child care or housework


Minimizing, denying, and blaming: Making light of disturbing behavior and not taking you concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying you caused it.

Pressure tactics: rushing to make decisions through “guilt tripping”: sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; bossing you around


Intimidation: Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments (as if to block the way out); outshouting you, driving recklessly (to scare the partner, even put her in fear for her life)

Destruction: destroying your possessions, throwing and/or breaking things

Threats: making threats to hurt you or others

Habitually disparaging the partner’s views, beliefs, ideas, opinions. (such as “You can’t possibly think that.” Or “You know nothing about the subject.” Or “You’re mistaken.” (which ends up with other people figuring that he’s right, I’m clueless and stop listening to me)

Making mean statements, and then resisting taking responsibility for these by either denying or contradicting what he just said or “Not remembering” what he said, even if it was only 30 seconds earlier. (Mental whiplash), on the other hand, the abusive partner can simply drop the conversation by not bothering to answer me when I address him. (Passive aggressive way of saying “I don’t think what you said merits any feedback, so I’ll make that remark go away.”) if partner confronts him, he’ll say “Oh, I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t understand you.” Leaving her wondering what happened.

Flip flopping arguments, positions, etc.

Cutting off.

Gaslighting= slowly making one wonder if she is sane by systematically hiding or taking away her things and telling the person that she misplaced them.

Nasty quarrels- He deals with his self-loathing by projecting his intolerance about himself onto her, by externalizing bad stuff and mercilessly attacks in her that so that he doesn’t take responsibility for his own flaws. He then denounces her for her failings (which are really HIS failings) in ways to prod her into striking out at him and then when the scenario plays out- AHA! You started it!
Here is a site (don't let the cats distract you. It's to disguise the nature of the site because a woman seeking help in that situation is often being "watched" by her abuser).

http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Also, this:

http://www.duluth-model.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf