Anyone ever feel like their family would be better off without them? [Archive] - The Well-Trained Mind Forums (aka Hive Mind)

home4school

02-07-2008, 07:59 PM

Remudamom

02-07-2008, 08:08 PM

it sounds like it's your mom. You didn't say anything about the rest of your family. If your mom is that unhappy there can't other arrangements be made?

Don't think for a minute your family would be better off without you. God placed you in that family with those children and that husband.

j.griff

02-07-2008, 08:13 PM

ITA with Remudamom here. Sounds like your mom needs to cool it. I think I'd have to tell mom how miserable everyone else is with her there as well. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Hugs

Rhondabee

02-07-2008, 08:26 PM

Do you think you family would be better off if you were gone? It seems like every problem our family has, I'm the common denominator. My dh and my mother HATE each other. She has been in failing health for some years now, COPD and such, so two years ago, we built her an in-law suite here with us. HUGE MISTAKE! She came in and things fell immediately apart. They argued and fussed and she would cut me to the quick. She is always telling me how unhappy she is here and what a horrible daughter I am. Husband's miserable, kids sense tension...

If I were gone, they could all go their own way. I know it sounds simple, sell, move.....

It's just I'm not the greatest mother, not the greatest wife, apparently the worst daughter ever....so maybe they would all be able to have something better without me...

Anybody else?

And my parents are even "nice" to me!!!!! So, I don't understand how them coming over to pick up my 2yo dd (an hour and a half drive one way), so she can spend the night at their house until Saturday can send me spiraling so downhill so quickly.

(Well, I *do* understand. Though they are "nice", though they have never been abusive - though they have never said anything so awful to me - though I *know* that they love me, I have never *felt* loved by them. And, I feel like I have done so little with my life, that I am a *HUGE* disappointment to them. That they would have been happier if I had died during an accident at 8yo. That I will somehow scar my children with the same intense sense of rejection...)

I have been reading posts for the past two hours brooding over this, thinking I must be the only one who has ever felt this way - meanwhile, letting my house just get into further disarray (sigh!). I *am* so sorry that you are going through what must be so very stressful.

I surely wouldn't know how to respond - I am a horrible verbal fighter. (Well, I'm probably not a very good fighter, period!) But, I would really like to know how to stand up for myself, and it sounds like that's exactly what you need. Maybe your dh doesn't like your mom because she treats you so horribly?

I think you should cry on his shoulder tonight, tell him everything you've been thinking, and ask him what to do.

mcconnellboys

02-07-2008, 08:31 PM

Honey, you need to help get your mother into a nice room in a local retirement community, where she can be rid of you. Then she'll be happy and you can go back to having a real life. Why do you feel responsible for this problem?

I think you can see perfectly well that all you've tried to do was help your mother, but instead of being a respectful, thankful house guest, she has made your husband miserable and caused problems for your entire family. No one has the right to disrupt your family like this. So I think it's time she goes.....

There's only so much you can do. If you make her unhappy, then she should live where she can have a better life. YOU are currently enabling her to cause this entire situation. Only YOU can stop it, by stopping her. Next time she complains, schedule visits to retirement homes and open houses and make her go.....

Regena

Denise in IN

02-07-2008, 08:33 PM

(((home4school))). It sounds like your mom is really doing a number on you family and on your confidence with her criticism. You are not the problem in your family. You are stuck in the middle of things, and it sounds like you're the one taking all of the heat!

I would encourage you to work together with your husband to set some boundaries for your family regarding your mother. Allow him to protect you, and the two of you together protect the well-being and integrity of your family.

If your mother really is unhappy there, help her make arrangements to move elsewhere. If she actually does want to live with you, then set some basic expectation as to how you and your family will/will not be treated.

I'll pray that you and your husband will have the strength and wisdom to work through these issues!

Kris

02-07-2008, 08:35 PM

What an awful mess you are in.

We had the same kind of thing with my mother, but hubby and I are a great team so even though we were constantly on edge, it didn't hurt our relationship. We thought we were doing her a favor -- sheesh.

She was horrible to my guys. Hubby was busting butt to do things for her and she was never satisfied -- it was never good enough. And she treated my son like dirt. He walked past her house coming down the drive from the school bus and she was standing out in the yard. He said, "Hi, Grandma!" and smiled and waved -- and she totally ignored him. I probably wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. He was such a sweet little kid -- grrrr. That was the day I told him he didn't have to be nice to Grandma anymore -- he could just ignore her.

It went on like that for a few more months and we asked her to leave. She wouldn't, so we did. It was *not* easy and we took a financial hit that we are still dealing with -- everything we had was in that place. But there was no reasoning with her and it wasn't worth it. I haven't spoken to her in over eight years, even though she lives less than ten miles away. And I haven't regretted it for a minute.

Our situation was aggravated by the fact that she's an alcoholic, but I take it that's not a problem you are dealing with since you don't mention it.

The others are right -- you are not the problem. Your mother is. Just do what you have to do to take care of your family -- and you being gone isn't it.

I sincerely hope you get this worked out.

Unicorn

02-07-2008, 08:35 PM

You are not the common denominator, you're just caught in the middle. Taking care of a parent, kids, dh, household is stressful! It's even harder when no one respects the sacrifices you make, or even acknowledges them. You need to take some time for yourself. Take a bath, go for a walk, whatever you need to find some quiet, alone time. Know that you are doing a good thing taking care of your mom, and let everyone concerned know, in a matter of fact, but not mean way, that you are doing the best you can, and if they don't like it they can start doing for themselves! ((((home4school)))

cricket1178

02-07-2008, 08:43 PM

I agree with the other posters. You are not the problem. I let my mother live with us due to a tragedy in her life. Well, it lead to a tragedy in mine. She made us all miserable. It didn't matter what we did for her, it was never enough. She finally left and peace was restored to our home. It was so bad that we do not have a whole lot of contact with her now. I agree that you need to make other arrangements for her. It could cost you your sanity and your marriage and possibly your dc's trust in you if you don't.

JennifersLost

02-07-2008, 08:56 PM

I'm making a mental note right now - save up enough money to get a cute little cabin by the sea when I'm old! I don't ever want to be the cause of so much stress in my children's lives.

I'll chime in with the others - it isn't you being the problem - the situation just isn't working. Time to brainstorm some other possibilities. I'm sure it will be scary and hard, but ultimately it will be better to find another solution.

home4school

02-07-2008, 10:55 PM

I am just very sad and confused right now. I have been brought up my whole life living in guilt under her to do this, that, or the other. She has had a hard life, buried a husband, a son, and a daughter. I'm all she has left, so between that cold, hard fact, and all the guilt of "all she's done her whole life to raise me", I feel like I have no choice but to keep her here. But I can't bear the thought anymore. We are all so unhappy. I hate coming down my driveway now.

I didn't expect to hear from others that they experienced the same stresses and problems having their mother live with them. Granted, we knew it would be hard, but this I never expected. All the anger and hatred all directed at me and my dh. I told her today it was a shame I hadn't died instead of my sister. She didn't comment.

Also, I guess maybe you would say she's an alcoholic. She HAS to have about 4 beers a night, every night. She has even called me on the way home with my dss from co-op AT THE CHURCH and asked me to stop and get her beer. I told her I would bring my kids home and go back to the store after their daddy got home to stay with them!

I guess I have lost any and or all respect I had for her. I grew up being called a whore and a tramp when I would miss my curfew. Things got better after I got married and moved out. Now, I'm reliving my childhood and all the guilt and anger. I thought about dying or wishing I could as a teenager. Didn't really happen again till now. Don't know why I thought this would work. Guess I was just looking at taking care of her.

Things would probably be better if I could be more "sociable" with her. I just can't stand to be in the same room with her anymore. Can't think of anything to say...

Sad situation. All I wanted to do was help....

Thanks for all of yours.

Tracey in TX

02-07-2008, 11:09 PM

(((HUGS)))
Know that you are loved by your family, and are the center of their world. Mom should know better; maybe she does and resents not being the family focal point any more. Every person wants to be valued. She may be seeing your worth and allowing it to devalue her own.

No matter what the cause of her callous behavior, she needs to treat you with respect. You are offering her a loving environment, but that needs to go both ways...or the door will swing closed as quickly as it swings open. Hopefully the door won't hit her on the backside.

Best of luck.

Plaid Dad

02-07-2008, 11:18 PM

The other posters have said it all already, but I wanted to respond about your mother's drinking.

I grew up with a sober alcoholic, my dad. He was an AA sponsor for most of my childhood, so I saw a lot of shaky people chain-smoking and bolting coffee in our kitchen at all hours of the night. When I was old enough to understand what was going on - that my dad was helping people into recovery - he explained that almost all of those guys had been kicked out by family members they'd abused or taken advantage of. Sometimes, when they got sober, they were able to reconcile with their families, and sometimes not. But the key thing was that as long as their families put up with them and didn't lay down the law, they kept right on drinking and destroying themselves and everyone around them. Until the support stopped, the alcoholic could not get well.

If your situation is what is sounds like, then the best thing you can do for your mother and for yourself, is to tell her that she has to behave herself or get out of your house (and, if necessary, your life). If your dh is willing to be the heavy, good, but you have to stand by him as he does it. If you can get a doctor to diagnose her alcoholism, that may give you some leverage. You may need to take legal action to get her out. Yes, that would be heartbreakingly painful, but it truly is the most loving thing you can do for her. If nothing else, please consider calling Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics to get yourself some support. You are not the problem, but you can be part of the solution.

I am so, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I promise you there is hope. My dad had more than 20 years sober by the time he passed away, and he helped dozens of people get there too. My mom was helped tremendously by Al-Anon, as was I during one very dark time in my life. You can do this. God bless you! Your whole family will be in my prayers.

amy g.

02-07-2008, 11:32 PM

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I really do not believe that you owe her anything, but then again, you can't be the worst daughter in the world because I am.

We let my mother move in with us 13 years ago. She had been on her best behavior since Dh and I had married, so I believed she would finally treat me with respect.

What a nightmare! She tried to come between me and my husband and between my husband and my children, and between my children and their grandfather.

Well, I had been the good kid/slave all of my life. She did not believe I would stand up to her no matter what she did. I knew God had a plan for my family. He did not send me the most wonderful man on earth, and beautiful children just to sacrifice them to her.

I kicked her out. To be fair. I gave her 3 months notice. Of course she would not leave when the day came, so I called the police and had her removed. It was horrible. My aunt who had always been like a true mother to me disowned me. Even the police officer was calling me names, while he admitted that he had no choice but to make her leave.

That has been over 10 years ago. Every year, that voice that says I deserve to be dead gets more and more quiet. Every year, my husband and children and I get closer and more loving, not to mention happier.

Most people don't understand, and sometimes I think I'm really going to have to pay for being so hard hearted to her, but then I get a reminder of what she is really like.

My brother was trying to get me to contact her, and he let slip that she had recently called me a slut in front of him and my cousin, and how much that hurt him. She cheated on my dad and my stepfather with every man she came in contact with. My husband and I shared our first kiss at our wedding, yet she feels that she has every right to call me names, and would even tell her lies to my children in order to make a point or win a fight.

I'm only mentioning this, because I want you to know that I really do understand what it feels like.

I chose to make a break, and her sickness has not followed me. I'm actually happy and healthy. If I still lived with her, I would be an addict like my brother to numb the pain, or I would have killed myself by now.

I'm sorry that she is old and alone, but she is the one who made the bad choices. Why should I and my family have to pay for them?

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are in a really tough spot.

Maria/ME

02-07-2008, 11:42 PM

I wanted to just reply with my hugs and concern, too. I agree so much with what others have said concerning your mother and I also think that Plaid Dad really hit the nail on the head when he addressed the alcoholism.

I would like to, without assuming I know you and your situation completely, address the feelings that you seem to have about yourself. You seem to feel worthless. You seem to have bought into a life time of being put down. And mom leaving will help a lot. But I think it's very very important you get help for YOU right now. That's not selfish. It's self preserving. Because no matter how you feel right now, no matter how bad you just want to "go away" (and I have been there. I begged my husband to just let me walk away, I knew they'd all be better for it...I really knew that, deep down) you are worth something in this world, to people you've touched and not known you've touched. Hold on to that. Your post sounded hopeless. I don't know if that is where you are or not, but first you need to bolster YOURSELF up. Again, it is NOT selfish to do this. You are not a bad person for needing to gain some self confidence here.

I know that for many people the idea of therapy seems like it is failing or asking someone outside the family for help. But do you see how these strangers here on this board helped you? Think of a therapist as an objective person who can help give you back a bit of yourself. The YOU that seems to be lost. I come from a very "normal" non dysfunctional family. But I did suffer from some self esteem issues that I didn't know were there...that manifest themselves in other ways (anxiety/depression) and you know what helped? Eight months of talking to a therapist. Wierd. I never thought I'd do that. It was work. Sometimes painful. But it gave my inner thinking a little change so that I know how to talk myself through the times I feel like walking away because they'd all be better off. I hate that you feel that way. It's too painful.

Please, please find some help whether your doctor or a therapist. Help with YOU and then you will be in a better frame of mind to help ALL those you love. Your mom and your family. You will be strong for that. 'Cause I"m willing to bet your mom aint' gonna go w/out kicking a bit.

I'm sorry if I am out of line, because I feel this is a delicate subject and please take it in the manner intended. Again, I realize I don't know the full scope of the situation but only what you've presented.

Jenny in Atl

02-07-2008, 11:58 PM

I'm another adult child on this list... my dad and both his parents (life long alcoholics). Having watched my dad over the last 25+ years (the time I was aware of his illness) I've seen him become more and more like his mom; one moment vindictive and the next child like. He was always a stand-up drunk; I though everyones dad could drink a 5th of vodka every night. He is 72 has congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, and who knows what else. He has been told if he drinks, he will die. Just last week he almost fell down the steps with his beloved puppy. So once again he stops and suffers the shakes and sickness of withdrawal. Your situation is a great fear of mine. I'm terrified my mom will pass first, and I will be left with my dad. I'm not sure I am strong enough to handle him. Even though he has never been as harsh as your mom, he always has made me feel "not good enough" and I'm sure it's his own feelings about himself that he is projecting on me. I would bet the same can be said of your mom.

All I can offer is a ((hug)) so you know you are not alone.

umarider

02-08-2008, 01:15 AM

That's what my unprofessional guess would be for your situation. Both for you and your mother.

I grew up with a toxic, depressed mother. Heaven help the first person who walked in the door from school/work because Mom would have been stewing at home all day and the first person home got it full in the face. If you didn't instantly fight w/ her she'd follow you around the house making little digging comments until she got you either miserable/crying/fighting. Then when my father got home she'd plead her case w/ him about what an awful child she had.

Well, I took a long look at my mom when I was in High School and decided that was NOT what I wanted to be. I made a practice of finding 3 things at the end of each day for which I am thankful. It's amazing what that one step can do for a person's attitude! I have had periods of depression as an adult and when that happens I find someone to talk to.

My mom is now on anti-depressants. I found that out when she was visiting last year and had a HEART-ATTACK the first night my parents were here! That knowledge made a lot of things fall into place both for me and my sisters. It wasn't us... it was her. And her behavior is much better, although stress, fatigue, alcohol can trigger problems.

1) Get to a counselor, minister, SOMEONE who can help. Perhaps Al-Anon? You need someone outside of this situation to talk to. Take care of yourself.

2) Get clear w/ DH on your priorities for your family. You cannot fix your mom. (Only she can do that) Your first responsibility is your family.

3) Lay things out for your mom, with DH and whoever else you need for support at your side. (Make sure your kids are somewhere else because it WILL get ugly) My DH had to rush my kids out of the house last year when my mom totally went off on me. He did not want to have them hear their grandmother calling me crude names.

4) Stand your ground. You are doing this so you can stop the cycle of depression and abuse. You have made the first step by realizing that something is wrong. You cannot help your mother, you can help your kids. Hug them, tell them you know things aren't right, tell them you will do whatever is necessary to give them a stable homelife. (And then tell yourself the same things).

You can do this! Your family needs you. Losing you would be devastating. You need to demonstrate how to get through difficult situations because it is something they will probably face someday. Show them what a strong, loving person looks like when she is defending her nest!

RoughCollie

02-08-2008, 01:33 AM

Amy in TX

02-08-2008, 03:32 AM

Plaid Dad said it so well, so i won't repeat it all. Al-Anon can help you implement all the good advice in all these posts.

Look in your yellow pages under A, or ask at any hospital or place of worship to find Al-Anon meetings near you.

And know that you *are* the best mother for your kids, because you are *their* mother.

Best wishes,
Amy

BizyPenguin

02-08-2008, 06:16 AM

Your family needs you. Remember that! You're depressed and I recommend some counseling. Are you Christian? If so, go and see your pastor or talk to a church friend. If not, consult Al-anon or Catholic Charities can put you in touch with a counselor. This is not your fault. family and in-laws can wreck havoc on a household. I've been there! All the best.

Michelle in MO

02-08-2008, 07:44 AM

Unfortunately, you are caught in the middle: you love your husband and your mother both. However, I agree with the others---it sounds like your mother, as dear as she is to you, is the source of much of the strife. Can you find other living arrangements for her? You could still visit her, of course, but you have tried your best to have her live with you, and the situation just isn't working. It's a difficult choice, but you need peace in your family again.

My prayers are with you for a peaceful resolution to this difficult situation.

Karen sn

02-08-2008, 07:59 AM

Seriously.....I sooooooo put my kid before anything/anyONE else that if my own my mother was so hateful and miserable - she would be OUT!!!!!!
Your husband deserves better as well.
I am so fiercely protective that I would never let this woman hurt my family - mother or not.

My own mom was full of faults until becoming a grandmother. Now she's like Mary Poppins and practically perfect in every way.....not really of course, but she makes a good in law, a great mom, and an absolutely wonderful grandmother.

Your mother sounds miserable and ungrateful. Put her in an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a hospice home. (I work in a hospice home - not everyone will die tomorrow - for some it's really good end of life care especially when that "end" takes 6 months or a year. I have COPD, CHF and cancer patients who will be around a while. They receive EXCELLENT care.

Repeat this: I am a grown woman who deserves to be happy. My children and husband deserve happiness. I will halt ANYONE who goes out of their way to disrupt tha natural and beautiful rhythm of our family.

That in law suite was a beautiful gesture on your part. (And HIS!!!!) If my mom was so miserable - my dd would never see her and I would fill her head with whatever few good memories I had of my mom. I just wouldn't let my poor kids think it was normal for a grown adult to be such a nasty person.

YOU DESERVE BETTER - AND THE KIDS DESERVE (MORE THAN ANYTHING) A HAPPY MOTHER!!!!!!

Bev in B'ville

02-08-2008, 08:20 AM

Great advice! I'm paraphrasing here, but Eleanor Rosevelt once said that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Take action now. Your kids are more savvy than you think. You will be teaching them a great lesson about decisions/consequences in life by standing up to your mother and they'll probably love you for it.

Prayers and hugs.

strider

02-09-2008, 12:47 AM

I too have suffered when I dipped back into dysfunctional family relationships.

I had placed firm boundaries around my interactions with family, years ago, and it felt really good. We had years that were peaceful.

Then my aunt (we were raised as sisters) became ill with a brain tumor, and is presently brain-damaged and living in a nursing home. She needs me, and her children need me. It has been the hardest, most complicated endeavor of my entire adult life. Interacting with the family culture as a whole, and especially specific family members, WHILE dealing with the trauma of the tumor and needs of the children, has been terribly difficult. It has been more difficult because before this happened, I thought I was finally free.

I do not know your religious beliefs--for me, I have found that I must cling to the comfort only God provides.

I am also so grateful to my husband and my dear children, because they are loving people, and wonderful to me.

Asking your mother to live elsewhere (assisted living is a *great* option) is NOT being a bad daughter.

There are ways to provide for your mother's needs without sacrificing your marriage or children. She will not like it--she will do all in her power to make you suffer for it--but you must (please) free your family.

Every day, look at your dear children. Look at your loving husband. Remind yourself that you will not allow them to hurt as you have hurt your whole life.

I pray for you, today, that God will guide you, and that you will know you are loved.

((( )))