UGH! Let the whining commence!

[nukeswife]

Ok I just have to get this off my chest, if you have any suggestions for me please feel free to share. Things were going just beautifully, I should have known this was coming.

Today was the 2nd day of our 4th week of school. Things have been going really well. All the curriculum I picked has been a hit, but today the whining began. It's my oldest ds, he's now 9 and doing 4th grade work. He's more than capable of doing it, but is driving me crazy with his "Why is Annika always done before me?" "How come she got to color her Writing with Ease narration page before me?" Why does the "I told you that you could color it but you said you wanted to wait" and the "I have told you before your sister gets done before you because she's only in 1st grade, your work takes a little more time because you're older and doing 4th grade work" never seem to sink into his brain. I've tried starting him earlier in the day than her but he's a bear to get out of bed and she's already been chomping at the bit for an hour to get started. If I were to do all of her work (the subjects we don't do together) before he got up he'd complain that she's all done and he's just getting started. I've tried explaining things to him, but it just doesn't seem to get through to him, or it does for a day and then the next he forgets what I've told him. Is there anything else for me to do, or is he just being "9"

[8FillTheHeart]

Sounds like it's time for a "Life isn't fair" tour. Drive through different neighborhoods, drive by hospitals, point out different careers, point how many hours dh works, drive by schools and talk about school hrs, etc.

My kids have their chain yanked if they pull the "isn't fair" routine. Yep, life isn't fair. Some things are completely beyond our control (illness). Some things are a product of choices.....careers, etc.

When my kids whine about how the younger child doesn't have x......older child loses y. If younger child goes to bed at 7, so does older child. If younger child doesn't have outside activities....older child doesn't either. With age responsibilities increase, but so do priviledges. They need to be able to recognize that.

[Sahamamama]

I've tried explaining things to him, but it just doesn't seem to get through to him.

If you have ruled out other factors that might be triggering whiny-ness (tired, needs a snack, needs a break outside, too much written work in a row, etc.), then this is a matter of attitude/obedience.

I hope Joanne comes on board here with her unique perspective (she'll probably blast whatever I say ;)), but based on my VAST experience with nine year old boys (you would be surprised):lol:, I think the problem is exactly what you said... you are EXPLAINING.

Here's what I mean. The dialogue usually goes like this:

Son: Whine.
Mom: Explain/Appease.
Son: Whine. Whine.
Mom: Re-Explain/Re-Appease.
Son: Whine. Whine. Whine. Whine... ad infinitum.

Why explain? Your son is not really wanting to know why, he's just whining, trying to get out of work that he has to do anyway. Yes, we do try to explain how life works when our children ask valid questions that do not involve ploys to get out of work or grumblings about what they must do anyway. But in your son's case, why explain?

"Do everything without complaining or arguing" (Philippians 2:14). Teach your son not to grumble, complain, or whine about his work.
(1) Set boundaries and refuse to allow him to lead the homeschool or compare himself to someone else (Annika Clare) -- "Your work is your work, her work is her work! Do your work!"
(2) Have him copy the above Bible verse whenever he grumbles or complains.
(3) Assign more work for complaining, until he realizes that there are consequences for whining (http://www.welltrainedmind.com/work.php and http://www.effectiveparenting.org/ -- see especially the book about whining, arguing, complaining).

Be the authority in the homeschool. You assign the work, he completes it. (I really, really hope this comes across the right way. I used to teach 9 year old boys. They can be quite fun and, um, challenging!). :001_huh:

[nukeswife]

Thanks for the tips, I'm not sure he needs the full "Life isn't fair" battery as he's fully aware of this. My dh is in the Navy so our son knows full well his dad works a lot more than some other kids dads but that it doesn't give him the right to complain about it. Maybe I just need to remind him about how much time it took him when he was in public school for 1st grade and that homeschool 4th grade is much shorter than that.

Just wanted to add since another response came in that he's not consistantly whiny. I have told him his work is his work and her work is not for him to worry about. He's one of those worrying kids. As for the Bible verse, that's just not going to happen as we're not a religious family. He may have been tired today I should check into that more, I can say that I'm definitely the leader of the HS here, they kids don't get to choose what we do each day. They can choose what order they do the work in but I'm the one that assigns said work. He always completes it all, even if he whines through it he will do it.

I think I may have come across sounding like that's all he usually does and that's really not how he is. He's generally a very fun, loving, happy to do whatever we ask even if it means stopping something he is really enjoying to help with my chores or his younger siblings.

[8FillTheHeart]

Thanks for the tips, I'm not sure he needs the full "Life isn't fair" battery as he's fully aware of this. My dh is in the Navy so our son knows full well his dad works a lot more than some other kids dads but that it doesn't give him the right to complain about it. Maybe I just need to remind him about how much time it took him when he was in public school for 1st grade and that homeschool 4th grade is much shorter than that.

Just wanted to add since another response came in that he's not consistantly whiny. I have told him his work is his work and her work is not for him to worry about. He's one of those worrying kids. As for the Bible verse, that's just not going to happen as we're not a religious family. He may have been tired today I should check into that more, I can say that I'm definitely the leader of the HS here, they kids don't get to choose what we do each day. They can choose what order they do the work in but I'm the one that assigns said work. He always completes it all, even if he whines through it he will do it.

I think I may have come across sounding like that's all he usually does and that's really not how he is. He's generally a very fun, loving, happy to do whatever we ask even if it means stopping something he is really enjoying to help with my chores or his younger siblings.


Does he have anything special that does distinguish his "age" from his younger siblings? Something that stands out and says that he has this priviledge b/c he is older and more responsible?

If not, it may be that trying to add a priviledge will help. My older kids stay up later than the younger ones. They have outside activities that the younger ones don't have. They have computer time that the younger ones don't have. All of those things help balance responsibility/expectations with the bonus of growing up.

:thumbup: (this was chosen by my 12 yos who is reading over my shoulder and telling me what I should type! :) )

[nukeswife]

Tell you're 12 year old that this is an excellent idea. Now that I really think about it he really doesn't have anything that is "just his own" He's not a big sports kid so he's not on any teams or anything like that. I think I'll talk to dh tonight to see if he can help me think of something we can do that would give him a "bigger boy" privilege that the other kids don't get because they are not old enough yet.

[Rosie_0801]

Teach him about rhetorical questions.
:)
Rosie

[Kate in Arabia]

Mine did this last year (same ages as yours - then 4th grader and 1st grader). I explained the first couple of times, but after that we went to the brief "life isn't fair" response, and then to the even briefer give-him-"the-look" response. It didn't take too terribly long for it to peter out. I felt like the more time I spent trying to reason with him, the more he kept whining. The less I responded the less he whined.

That was my experience, anyway.

hth!

[elegantlion]

I got that at age 9 and I only have 1. :glare: Does the "Daddy will be so proud of you" work? I know ds would whine for me, but if he's doing it for his dad he'll do it without complaint.

I forget is your dh at home now? Maybe he could encourage your ds. If he's not home can you update him on e-mail or mail?

Another thing is that at 9 I saw dh and ds's relationship change. I know you truly don't have a choice in your situation, but this may be a time when he needs more input from his dad in all areas of life. :grouphug:

[Another Lynn]

My oldest two are same grade levels as yours and I've had to remind my oldest a few times that his bro. is 1st grade and there's a big difference. He used to finish early too when he was in 1st, etc. And I have sometimes reminded him of the things he has had "first" around here (clothes, toys, priveleges, etc.)

This may be unrelated, but do you think he would benefit from more independence in his school work? Maybe not, because you did say he chooses the order. I give my ds his "weekly sheet" and he gets as much done as he can on his own while I work with the youngers. Many times it's after lunch before we have our one-on-one time. Sometimes I need to address what he chooses (i.e. please do school before you start practicing chess).

Or if his major concern is just how long his work takes him, maybe discuss with him how he would like to solve his problem. You've made suggestions to him (get up earlier, etc.) but since he hasn't liked these ideas ask him to come up with solutions to his problems. Ask him to come up with a schedule or routine for his day to make it better. When ds and I have done this he didn't always use the ideas he came up with, but he just the process helped him accept what he has to get done.

Hope something there might be helpful.