Our boys have a bad attitude...

[oliveview]

and I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't even really know what to say...they grumble and complain about anything that requires effort on their part. I'm so upset, frustrated, exhausted...I just don't know what to say...I really do feel like I have failed and I'm not sure hopw to begin the process of mending what is broken.

[Sahamamama]

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation." Have them copy this every time they complain.

No, seriously, I don't know your boys or their ages, but from your avatar, they seem quite young. How old are they? Have they been spoiled/indulged, or is this new behavior? What behavior and attitudes on your part do you think contribute to this attitude/behavior on their part? Do you feel that your expectations for them are realistic? If so, what can you do to convey to them the fact that life requires WORK, and that you, the parent are IN CHARGE, and that you require them to work?

Sorry so many questions, I just don't have enough info to help you yet.

[Homeschooling6]

I don't mean this to sound 'preachy' but bringing everything back to the Bible works for us.

From the time they are little I teach them that we live for the Lord. Everything we do is for Him. Even our school work, chores etc.

I read them Bible verses about being grateful, lazy etc. My dd loves Proverbs she has told me there is lot of wisdom in that book.

One time we were working on being more cheerful and when the kids or I would see someone (in our own household) acting being grumpy we would say a verse or something funny or just "I caught you being grumpy". And it worked after a week of this the kids were a lot more cheerful and looking for ways to be more cheerful.

In fact I tell my kids that these rules are from God's Word and I need to teach them to you and again we read verses backing that up;) because the Bible does say to respect, love one another, be a servant, teaches on anger, taking care of our bodies etc.

We need to be obedient to the Lord and when your acting this way you are not pleasing God or mom.

I know some of this sound harsh but it's all said in a loving way and it's woven into our lives. I am not saying all this all day everyday but bits and pieces.

I tell them that God gives us the 10 Commandments because he loves us not to boggle us down with rules.

Blessings,

[Sixmeadows]

For complaining we give extra jobs/work. Try and reward cheerful attitudes, make a big deal about how happy you are with a job/activity done with good attitudes. I find that some of my kids will even do other jobs voluntarily when I have done a good job praising them. I don't know why it is hard for me to remember praising them more often but with so much going on I get into a mode of Chop-chop.

Also, it is hard to be the one that sets the tone in the home, but when I am in a grumbling sort of mood or having a bad attitude, it is amazing to see how it filters throughout every one else in the house. I am guilty of that more than I would have ever liked to admit. Usually DH has to point it out to me before I see it and I wonder why every one else was crabby all day!:001_huh::)

Having them serve others is good way to help with complaining. Focusing on others helps us get our eyes off ourselves. We are making this a big part of our year this year, as we have some that would greatly benefit. (of course we all benefit from serving others but some are more inclined to do so on their own.;)

just a few thoughts. HTH

Cheri

[apond]

My SIL has a theory that when ever children are whinning and complaining and fighting they have become to selfcentered, Her prescirption is a good old fashioned day of work or two or more if needed. We just got back form camping for a week and my kids would think I have asked them to lick all the floors clean with their toungue. They have whined and fought and complained for the last couple of days about everything. So today we are doing a scrub down of the entire house. We are on Lunch right now so I am able to do this. We have done this before and it has worked. By the way if a child complains they earn an extra hour of work ( We will probably stop around 4) while the rest get to play. So far my dd8 has earned 2 hours and my ds10 has earned 1 hour. My walls are looking great and the attitude it improving!

Good Luck

Annmarie

[ABQmom]

that I was told that I should discipline for attitude! It was a light bulb moment for me. Expect them to obey right away, but not just obey. They should obey without complaining, murmuring, or arguing. It'll take some time on your part to break them of the bad habit, but you can do it. The time you spend now will be well worth it. Remember that as the kids get bigger, so do the bad attitudes!

We are actually working on the attitude thing again in our house. Rewards for cheerful obedience and punishment for bad attitudes.

[Alana in Canada]

Have you read "Boundaries with Kids" by Cloud and Townsend?

A week ago, I was upset, angry and frustrated, too. (In fact I was like that just a few hours ago this morning!)

Find some consequences for complaining. Let them know the "new rules" and then enforce them. They will resist even more at first, just to see if you are serious, as Cloud and Townsend point out, that's their job.

It's Ok. You can meet this challenge.

[Ria]

We sat our five sons down and told them that when a parent asks them to do something, there is one - and only one - acceptable response, "Yes, Mom (or Dad)". Grumbling or arguing earned them more work, and sometimes separation from the rest of the family. The key is to be consistent. Do not allow grumbling or complaining, and discipline for it each and every time.

My boys are now 19, 16, 14, 13, and 11 and while they might not want to do what we ask them to do, they do it without complaining. Today I asked the five of them to do some work for me while I was at work. I came home and the entire downstairs was spotless, as were the three bathrooms. And they still love me. :)

Ria

[VaKim]

No bad attitudes allowed here. A bad attitude about work simply multiplies the work. Over and over again if necessary. If this is done consistently (big, aggravating job, I know), it does work after a while.:)

[nakitty]

it IS frustrating isn't it....:grouphug: I think it is normal childhood behavior and nothing that reflects on you as a parent. Not that that makes it any easier to listen too, I know. :glare:

[scrapbabe]

If it's with chores and schoolwork, here are some things that we have used and it has helped.

http://www.accountablekids.com/

I read the book and then developed our own chore chart to coordinate.

http://www.childrensmiraclemusic.com/

This is the one my kids chose. We haven't started using it yet, but I have friends who use it and love it.

These both help the children to learn self discipline, and they have rewards systems built in. They also have to do their work in order to earn privileges (such as watching tv, playing the computer, etc.)

I wish you the best of luck.

Smiles,
Shalynn

[Joanne]

Coming at this from a different angle......

My kids (and home) get like this when we've had:

1) Too much screen time
2) Too much junk food
3) Too little structure
4) Not enough physical, appropriate, outside, imaginative play
5) Inconsistent boundaries

[Parrothead]

Coming at this from a different angle......

My kids (and home) get like this when we've had:

1) Too much screen time
2) Too much junk food
3) Too little structure
4) Not enough physical, appropriate, outside, imaginative play
5) Inconsistent boundaries
I think those things factor into attitudes. When the complaining starts I evaluate while dd is doing extra chores for complaining. Some times by the time she is done she finds out that she has also lost screen time.:D

[BusyMum]

I found the advice of Dr Ray Guarandi really useful. He's written a couple of books which are avaliable on amazon.

The one that i use frequently with my eldest is 'do-overs'. For example, this morning i asked him to pick the towels up off the floor and put them buy the garage door for me to take out to the laundry later. He moaned as he got up so I told him that was a bad attitude and this is hpow I wanted him to say it: "Yes Mum, I'll do that right away!" In a cheerful voice!

I then asked him to do it again. Again, he grouched so I told him again how I wanted him to do it and asked him to do it again. I fully acted out the original request each time. I did this about five times and eaxh time he grumped so I calmly informed him that his bad attitude was telling me that he was tired so he had to go and lie down on his bed (without books or toys) until I said he could come out.

After about ten mins I walked past his door and cheerfully repeated my original request. "Okay Mum! I'm onto it!" he replied! Mission accomplished!

...for this time! :tongue_smilie:

[Stacey in MA]

I sort of picked it up when DS9 was little and in speech therapy. His ST used this technique quite a bit. It generally works for us. Not to say that attitude is never a problem, but modeling helps them to immediately know what's expected of them - what it looks like.

Funny aside here - We were watching an old episode of Little House today, and a piece of it sort of went along this theme. I love Pa - he is always so cheerful, even when disciplining! They were having a "rich kid" boy (Nel's nephew) stay with them a few weeks to do some work and learn some work ethics. Pa told him to get settled in his space, put on the work clothes and come on out to the field with him. The kids shouts "And what if I don't??!" And Pa cheerfully smilingly replies "Well, then I'd have have to give you a whipin'". The kid does as told.

Not to say that a whipin' is the answer for everything, but it seems like (at least from that show and other stories I've read) there was so much more respect and proper behavior back then.

Anyway....HTH and GL! - Stacey in MA

[WendyK]

it IS frustrating isn't it....:grouphug: I think it is normal childhood behavior and nothing that reflects on you as a parent. Not that that makes it any easier to listen too, I know. :glare:

:iagree:

My 6.5 year old fits that description. The whining and complaining and hemming and hawing. Ugh.

[oliveview]

Well, things are better this evening and I am am a bit clearer. We have just had an unusual week and it is starting to show. Normally, the boys complain little to none so I think this week caught me off guard. I am normally very diligent about attitudes.

Thank you so much for all the responses. This board is very insightful!

I have had a less than stellar attitude this week as I have had some things going on that the children don't know about...yet they always seem to know. On top of that we have been stuck inside with TS Fay and we are all getting very tired of the rain. In addition, the boys normal physical activities have been on hold for various reasons. All together, it makes sense why there were bad attitudes flying around.

I had to work this evening and my dh stayed at home with the kids and they worked on lots of chores. Chores will be the focus the the day tomorrow as we will have another day of wind and rain.

Thank you again everyone! Now I'm off to make a list of chores for tomorrow.

[kalanamak]

When I get whiny or sarcastic behavior, I tell him, okay, we'll just keep doing this until I get a good attitude out of you.

Or, "if you whine like this, no one will take you to the park". That works every time he isn't truly sick or hungry or tired.

[oliveview]

UPDATE: My interior doors, baseboards, and the outside of my cabinets have never been so clean!! Attitudes are much better all around!! :001_smile:

Thanks again everyone!!