How to deal with disrespect

[TCoppock]

My son is growing increasingly disrespectful toward me and I am clueless on how to resolve this. It is so bad today that I sent him to his room and I was the one that ended up in tears. His defense when he gets into trouble is I didn't know it was disrespetful and 2 minutes later he is doing the same thing and telling me he didnt know again. I have tried every punishment I can think of with him and nothing seems to bother him. I am at the point that today I had the thought of sending him to school just to get a break. I have asked him in the past if he would say or do whatever he is doing to me to another person who I know he shows respect and he looks at me like I'm the crazy one and says no. He does know respect but doesnt feel that he needs to give me it for some reason. He is only 8 and I want to stop it before it gets any worse. I have tried talking to him nicely, taking away privledges, time outs, spankings, loss of allowance, writing sentences, etc. and he really doesn't seem to care. I love my son and would do anything for him but how he is ating makes it hard for me to even be around him. I am tired of crying and want my nice sweet son back. Any advice would greatly help.:(

[momee]

BTDT. The only advice I can hope to give seeing as mine is almost 14 and we're not quite through this stage is what I've learned so far.

Instruction is just as important as behavior correction - be sure you aren't just trying to fix the outward issue. For too long I concentrated only on how inconvenient the disrespect was and how it either embarrassed me or angered me.

I have since learned that what is going on outwardly is reflecting what is going on inwardly.
From what you've gone into sounds like your son is playing you :) big time.
Of course he knows his behavior is wrong, but going into why it's not okay and having clear consquences for such episodes may help him to understand it from a new perspective.
I also know that each instance of his disrespect is showing me there is something going on that we need to delve into - laziness, selfishness, anger, and even sometimes something as simple as being overtired or hormonal.
One scary thing...it's sad to say but he's learned his behavior so much from the way I handle aggravation because we're together so much. I've gotten much better since I've become a christian and am learning to rely on God to grant me self control and patience.
I know many parents don't agree but I think it's important to show the same respect to my kids that I demand. When this does not happen, my soon to be adult son really sees it and takes it to heart as what it really is - hypocrisy :(

I'd just encourage you to keep on in your parental role of teaching him that his behavior has consequences and lauding the merits of treating people with respect.

There's much more I'd love to go into because I've read so much about it from a christian perspective lately but this is enough of my thoughts for one day.
Parenting is hard work - but it is so worth it. Keep at it.
Stephanie

[Kalah]

My oldest boy is almost 8 and I'm dealing with the same issues. I get discouraged a lot and wish longingly for me sweet little darling sometimes. But as this doesn't solve the problem at hand, I try not to dwell on it. We do have a lot of discussions on perspective. "Would you like it if...." That seems to work. Consistency has improved the situation too. Same reaction, same punishment each and every time. Like mommee, I think he gauges his reactions on how I've shown him how to deal with things, for better or worse. Unfortunately, I tend to be a hothead. Yoga and mediation is the key for me, (if you're secularly inclined). :o)
I view this as every other stage. Time and perseverence. The battle will not be won in a day but hopefully, I will raise a respectful and kind man.
HTH knowing there's others in the same boat!

[Cadam]

Last week I simply chose a consequence for her disrespectful words. It is as much to help her see when she is being disrespectful as it is a tool to discourage the disrespect. Each time she uses disrespectful words or voice I calmly say "that was disrespectful" and she incurs the immediate consequences. This still happens many times a day but I have seen a little improvement.

In our case this is not a new thing though. No progress was really able to be made until recently when she has started occupational therapy for her Sensory Processing Disorder. Until now nothing worked and frankly I just needed to survive this child. It is great to finally see the consistency starting to pay off and our relationship improve, but we still have a long ling way to go.

This is just what is working for us and I hope you find the right answer for you and your son.

[Danestress]

I think you are wasting your time trying to talk him into acknowledging that he knows what is and isn't disrespectful.

From now on, let him figure it out himself. Tell him during a neutral time (like a family meeting) that you aren't going to fuss about this anymore. That from now on, when *you* think something is disrespectful you will point it out and he gets 5 seconds to apologize and then change. If he's disrespectful again or argues or demands explanations, then impose a penalty. Tell him that from now on, you won't try to defend and explain your position that it's rude. Tell him right up front that different parents have different standards and that they are totally arbitrary and subjective, but that the standard in your house will be set by you and DH and by no one else. Period.

Then address rudeness every time. Every. single. time. That doesn't mean always punish it, but always always point it out and never get into a debate about it. Prepare yourself to say 10 million times "Yes, lots of people wouldn't think that was rude. But in our house, it's considered rude."

You will make yourself totally and completely insane if you decide that you can talk him out of rudeness. You can't. Some kids just will always let their mouths get the best of them. Address it, but don't be surprised by it. See it coming, visualize being spoken to rudely and how to handle it (calm, matter of fact, refusing to engage in debate) and be ready for lots and lots of that.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that at this age is is important, over and over, and over, to demonstrate how you want him to speak to you instead.

Chances are that he really, really doesn't know. He probably doesn't realize how obnoxious he sounds, nor does he know how you want him to sound.

So you have to show him both. You say, "You can ask politely by saying...." or you say, "You can say this respectfully by sounding like this..."

Then do not respond to the request or comment until he states it the way that you want, attitude as well as words.

This is a process, and it takes repeated efforts.

It is such a shock when they start this. What is even worse is when they only do it in front of others, so you are not expecting it AND it is more difficult to correct. But correct it you must if you really can't stand it.

Best of calm luck to you!

[Claire]

Do you reward him when he is respectful? Sometimes we take the good things for granted and only focus on the bad. Research shows that changes take place faster when there is a mixture of reward and punishment, rather than just one or the other. It can be hard to "catch" a child being respectful, so you have to look for those occasions, but rewarding them with a few words of praise or appreciation might make more difference than you realize.

[ELaurie]

It can be hard to "catch" a child being respectful, so you have to look for those occasions, but rewarding them with a few words of praise or appreciation might make more difference than you realize.

When you point out his respectful behavior, try to be specific. Tell him when you appreciate his tone of voice, eye contact, or other nonverbal communication, as well as the specific word she says (or doesn't say).

This technique is more powerful; than any punishment I have tried with my sometimes STOL disrespectful 5 yo.

To read more go to Nurtured Heart Kids (http://www.nurturedheartkids.com/)