I'm just not cut out to deal w/ a special needs child... (long)

[Sue G in PA]

I should post on the Special Needs board, but I know I'll get more response here. You've all heard me whine and cry about my ds6 who has Aspergers. Honestly, I just don't know what to do/how to handle him or his issues. I've read books, continue reading books on the subject and we've made some small strides. For those, I am truly grateful. We keep pressing on. My dh is a special ed. teacher/guru and even he has confessed not knowing how to best help our ds. Great. I think he needs counseling, WE (as in the family in dealing with him) need counseling, but I'm not sure where to go. He talks about wanting to die whenever something doesn't go his way or he is corrected (however gentle the correction may be). Tonight, we discovered that he had stolen a candy from the store while we were there. I'm raising cleptomaniacs although I'm not sure how, LOL! (remember my ds9 who stole candy from the same store). Putting aside my own feelings of complete inadequacy and anger, dh and I talked very calmly to him and he broke down in tears and said, "just kill me or send me to jail". It's not manipulation. It truly worries me that this is how he copes w/ these situations. We assured him we loved him, would never want him to die or go to jail but that there would be consequences for this offense, etc., etc. Anyway, I don't have any specific questions, per say, unless anybody has some words of wisdom (there is much on this board!) to offer. I wonder if hsing is best for him sometimes and if the environment here at home (chaotic, loud, stressful at times, etc.) is the best for him. He does well with schedules so I forced myself to get organized and make one specifically for him. It seems to be working a bit. We instituted a reward system using Handipoints for his schoolwork and he cheerfully and efficiently did his work today (without a break although I offered them after each assignment). Small steps I am ever so grateful for. His obcession w/ death or wanting to die as a means of coping w/ correction or disappointment just really worries me. That is all. THanks for listening. I've just never felt so inadequate and incompetent and ill-prepared to deal with something/someone in my entire life. Tell me this is normal.

[sdWTMer]

(((HUGS))) So very sorry that you are going through this difficult time!

[Ottakee]

I think what you are feeling is normal. I have 3 special needs kiddos and life is not always easy around here.

Do you think that there might be more going on than just the Apsie stuff? I know that it is common for some kids with Aspergers to have ADD/ADHD, depression, mood disorders, learning disabilties, and other issues going on.

It could be that so far you only have 1 piece to this very complex puzzle. I would try to seek out a good neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician or child psychiatrist for further help.

Getting the right help can make a huge difference for the whole family.

[Kathy in MD]

First, you're stressed out. No matter how hard you try to hide it, a child will pick up on it and will become stressed out himself. In fact, your entire family will respond to your stress negatively.

Second, by delegating the day-to-day education, you've reduced the demands on you. You can then focus on the other aspects of raising him and dealing with his Aspergers.

Third, you can spend some time observing and learning how other people deal with the problems your ds has. If that's not possible, you can do additional research. I recommend though, that you observe others. I've learned a lot that way and become a better parent because of it.

Fourth, it will give both of you a break from each other. Sometimes the pressure builds and builds and some time away from each other is what is needed to reduce the stress. Before you think that makes you a horrible mother, just consider. Do you want to be attached at the hip 24 hours a day to your dh? No matter how dear he is? Or do you sometimes separate your dc, because they're getting on each other's nerves? No, it's fine for both of you to need some time away from each other.

My ds has LD's and I'm thankful that he was in school while he was undergoing various therapies. His teachers had far more patience than I had, they had far more realistic expectations and I was able to learn from them since I was active in the classroom. Since then, I've brought ds home for school because the academic demands were becoming to difficult for him.

My ds also had a period when he was saying I want to kill myself, I wish I was dead. I thought it was because he was a drama king, but by reducing his stress, the statements were eliminated. That may or may not be your ds's problem.

Ottakee recomended that you see a neurologist, a developmental ped or a child psych. If you aren't seeing a neurologist or dev. ped, I recomend you do so. I'm particularly partial to dev peds, but what you want is a "generalist" specialist -- someone who specializes in developmental problems. This type of doctor can look at your dc as a whole child and refer you to the most useful specialists for your child.

[Liberty]

I want to encourage you when it comes to the "I want to die" statements he is making. My oldest, non-LD ds (who is now 12) went through a stage at around your son's age when he would say the same thing (for the same reason). At the time I was horrified. The things I tried were to sit him down every time he said those words and explain his need to never say such words again (almost as if he'd said the "f" word). I may have gotten emotional too (crying and praying aloud, you get the drift), which left no mistake in ds mind that saying those words was not a minor thing.

Anyway, something must have sank in and he stopped. Looking back, I believe it was some sort of phase (a manipulative one, on his part), but it did end.

[JFS in IL]

Who mentioned depression as an extra item you might be dealing with. Odds are you ds is very bright, knows he is different, and it adds to his woes. I've fraternal twin boys - one autism/lksv, the other very bright, and has had to take meds for depression. Celexa (also available generic) is safe for kids - ds was on it from age 9 - 16. A decent pediatric neuro should see your son - wishing to die is NOT just a part of being an Aspie! Good luck!

[Heather in the Kootenays]

It's tough and your level of frustration sounds really normal. No advice - just HUGS. Hang in there.

[Laurie]

This has been a huge challenge for me, too. At times I've felt like taking a swing at people who just smile and tell me how God places special children with special people!

If you haven't read The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood I'd add that one to your collection. There's a good chapter on emotions, and he uses the term "emotional toolbox" and how we need to fill up our dc's toolboxes with a variety of coping strategies to deal with anger, frustration, etc.

I also like the book Brain Gym for simple exercises to do to stimulate different areas of the brain. The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun are also worth taking a look at.


I heard someone on tv say that "motion is lotion" with regard to joints/mobility. In our house, I've definitely found that motion is lotion for mood as well! I have to make sure that my dc are getting enough activity which is harder this time of year. We go on walks, weather permitting, and we've got some indoor stuff like a mini-trampoline (used with parental supervision only!), pillow-like balls to toss, a tunnel to crawl through, and my ds's new pedal machine (about $30 at QVC). My ds loves gadgets so he just got a pedometer. He wears it all day and really gets a kick out of seeing how many steps he's taken throughout the day so this encourages him to keep moving.

Do your ds's moods improve with sunny skies? I think my dd and I are both prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder so we need to get outside for sunshine as well as exercise. This year I started using natural light lightbulbs over our kitchen table and I really like them. I'm thinking about getting a lightbox as well.

Diet is very important for mood/brain function. How's your ds's diet? Is he getting enough "good fats" in his diet from things like salmon, avocados, walnuts, etc.? Eggs are also a good brain food. And it's also important to stay well hydrated.

Is there an autism support group for parents in your area? You might be able to find out about some local resources that way. And sometimes it's just comforting to be around other parents who can relate to your struggles!

Best wishes to you and your family!