So discouraged with ds8 and foot dragging.

[LG Gone Wild]

Let's see, it's been about 2 hours for him to do very simply math. Scratch that, it's been about 3 hours now. We are doing multiplication and he was getting the concept down very fast. He was tasked to do 8 problems.

Foot dragging is a huge problem with him. I am letting it drag on right now because I am so angry that I am letting myself cool down and working with my other kiddo. I don't want to talk to him at all.

I made it clear that I had a task to do and that I expected him to complete that math work by the time I was done. When I came back, he had done pratically nothing. Timers work sometimes for him. But the point is that he ought to be able to do work alone without me hanging over him. And frankly I am fed up with trying tricks and gimmicks to get him to do what he ought to do. What I gave him was not difficult, merely exercising what he knows.

I have already decided to ban all extra curricula activities for a month. I will make it permanent if he continues this.:mad:

[bkpan]

all EC activities for a MONTH? He's still very young. I struggle with this at times here as well, but I would not consider such a long-term consequence for such a little guy. I would allow my ds to miss some fun, planned activity THAT afternoon - something logical to the behavior - if you don't finish math by such and such time, we'll have to miss X activity, or miss our planned snack at X time.

You might want to reconsider such a long-term punishment. He'd probably forget why he's not going anywhere after the first week! But, as I said, I do feel your pain. Just consider the age and maturity of your ds.

Kim in TN (used to be in NV)

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

I would just sit down and do it with him. Sometimes that extra help goes a long way. I know because my 10 ds has been dragging in Math all of this month.

[Adrianne]

Boys can be so difficult at this age. You have the right too feel this way.

However, sometimes at that age it is hard to focus. He is so young. My ds 9 and I have been working on similar issues and I have found that my expectations were too high and punitive measures do not work well for us.
Maybe a reward system? Encourage him to get X amount of work done within some time and then he gets the reward. (for every one problem he completes, he gets a chocolate chip)

I have also found that it gets better with age and positive reinforcement. Of course, letting him not get his work done and miss his activities in the afternoon works well also. Then afterward we talk calmly and without anger about why he missed his activity and what he can do in the future to change it.

I takes time and patience. We still have those days when it takes 2 hours to do math and boy is it frustrating! GGGRRRR!

Try to take a few breaths and relax!
Adrianne

[ELaurie]

my ds8 does relatively little work independently.

There are reasons for this; visual processing issues / eye hand coordination issues - none of which may be relevant to your situation.

He's able to work independently some of the time, but this isn't something I can count on from day to day.

With my ds, I think it will be an acquired skill - I look forward to him being able to do more work independently next year than he can this year.

For now, a light handed approach (while still setting high standards), frequent breaks ans small rewards (M&Ms, chocolate chips) and a bit of silliness are the best ways I have found to encourage him.

(One "game" my dc particularly love is a variation on a story in the first book about Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. I pretend to be a "wicked queen" and tell them they should not complete their school work under any circumstances, because I do not want well educated subjects in my kingdom! This sets off a frenzy of productivity every time, and takes the edge off of our struggles. )

[Sunkirst]

I feel your pain! That was just like my DS and me a year ago (when DS was 8.5).

I had tried quite a few styles of carrot and stick with my son, and either I wasn't consistent enough, or the approach just fizzled out.

My DH is much more discipline oriented than I am, and I was always nervous about trying his ideas, but finally I decided that it was worth a try. Things we have changed:

1. Work begins right away. After I assign something I check back within 2-3 mins. If DS has started and understands, fine. If he hasn't started, I ask why. Sometimes he needs clarification, and we do that. If he's footdragging I ask him to do some physical exercise, and we begin again in 10 mins. If he procrastinates again, he looses all treats/rights for the day, and he does chores for the rest of the day. I handle whining the same way - I deal with it right away before it starts to grate on my nerves and drive me nuts.

2. I expect more, not less. I had gotten to where I was afraid to assign a whole math WS. I'd ask for 5 - 8 problems (if that's no problem sweetie...). I'd ask for 10 mins of reading, or 2 sentences of writing. Anything more was too much, and I wasn't prepared to handle the whining and complaining normal assignments would elicit. Now he does a math lesson a day (complete with warm ups and extra skills practice), 40 minutes of reading and 20 minutes of writing. Then we do fun stuff. Believe it or not, it takes less time to complete his work now than it did before, and he says he likes "the new school."

I think what really helped was to react right away to the whining and procrastination. I always tried to be super patient and kind and understanding. Unfortunately, I would snap suddenly and yell, or threaten some unenforceable punishment. Now, I'm dealing with issues when I'm still calm and rational. DS knows the consequences. If he flips out and overreacts to the exercise, he's up in his room all day. Things have gotten much better, and we actually get to do the "fun" school (history and science and art) much more now.

-K

[Eliana]

What is your long-term goal?

Building good habits in our children takes more time than it sometimes seems as if it should. After all don't they *know* what they're supposed to be doing?

But it really is hard, even for adults, to build new habits, to overcome temptations, to resists distractions, to do the fairly tedious thing in front of us rather than something more immediately rewarding. Although it can feel tempting to pull out the big guns and try to force our little ones into line, I believe that doing so is a big mistake.

When we do that we turn the situation into a power struggle: 'I want those problems done and I'm going to make you do them.' Which makes his not doing them *my* problem instead of his, and leaves him dependent on my threats to motivate him to fulfill his responsibilities. Does that make any sense?

Sometimes we have to exert our authority, some issues require nothing less, but usually we can reframe things so we can see that we are all really on the same team.

In this case, your son has work he has to complete before he can go play (or read, or visit his friends, or watch TV (if you do TV, we don't), or bake cookies, or...). It becomes a question of what can you do to help him learn to focus better so he can get on to the things he wants to be doing.


And, yes, at his age, that might well mean sitting there next to him, and redirecting him (gently, kindly, you're helping him here) each time his attention slips. If that is still too hard for him, break it into smaller increments, and let him take breaks between them; set him up for success and then keep stretching him, a little bit at a time.

These baby steps are really worth it; they build strong, maintainable habits and, even more importantly, they strengthen our connection to our kids rather than weakening it. When our children own their own responsibilities and trust us to guide them so they can meet their goals, they will come to us for that guidance even when they are older. (We are reaping some of that fruit now with our eldest daughters (14.5 and 13) and it is so beautiful.)

Eliana

[Mx5]

Let's see, it's been about 2 hours for him to do very simply math. Scratch that, it's been about 3 hours now. We are doing multiplication and he was getting the concept down very fast. He was tasked to do 8 problems.

Foot dragging is a huge problem with him. I am letting it drag on right now because I am so angry that I am letting myself cool down and working with my other kiddo. I don't want to talk to him at all.

I made it clear that I had a task to do and that I expected him to complete that math work by the time I was done. When I came back, he had done pratically nothing. Timers work sometimes for him. But the point is that he ought to be able to do work alone without me hanging over him. And frankly I am fed up with trying tricks and gimmicks to get him to do what he ought to do. What I gave him was not difficult, merely exercising what he knows.

I have already decided to ban all extra curricula activities for a month. I will make it permanent if he continues this.:mad:

Don't take it personally - just sit with him until he gets it done. With you there, it will go much faster. Resist the urge to compare him to your other kids, too.

This will pass. Keep perspective. He is only 8. My 8yo isn't doing multiplication at all yet, and I am wonderfully fine with that.

[LG Gone Wild]

I understand what you all are saying but there are times when he has to do what he has to do. I can't always be playing games or offering carrots in order for him to do an assignment. What I gave him really wasn't a lot or challenging. He does this foot dragging with other things as well, not just schoolwork.

Anyway, I ended up letting him go to an activity because I had already paid for it and plus, he needs an outlet. He did manage to complete some other things before we left.

I am going to dwell on this some more.

[Eliana]

I understand what you all are saying but there are times when he has to do what he has to do. I can't always be playing games or offering carrots in order for him to do an assignment. What I gave him really wasn't a lot or challenging. He does this foot dragging with other things as well, not just schoolwork.

Anyway, I ended up letting him go to an activity because I had already paid for it and plus, he needs an outlet. He did manage to complete some other things before we left.

I am going to dwell on this some more.


((LG Gone Wild)) I hear your frustration!

I'd like to clarify a couple of things, which may or may not give you some comfort.

1) One of my points (clearly not very well expressed!) was that by putting some careful, focused energy into helping your son build some better habits, you would not have to keep going through this. Of course you don't want to be always coaxing or bribing a child to do what he ought to be doing! You want to get him to the point where he feels motivated to make sure his responsibilities are fulfilled.

2) The approaches a number of us were suggesting were not intended to be game playing or bribery; they were suggestions to help your son overcome his habit of inattention and build better patterns.

3) Although it takes more consistent expenditure of time now, this is an investment which will pay off big time in the long run. (As we are seeing now with our eldest daughters - in their school work, their involvement in community, their jobs, their help here in the house - these girls, who when they were not much younger than your son, needed, each in very different ways, a lot of gentle guidance and support to develop good work habits and a sense of responsibility.) It's like taking the time to help your toddler make her bed or vacuum the hallway, it might take longer now, but it is an investment...

I urge you to do a lot of reading, thinking, and praying (if applicable) about this; I think you can find greater peace in your day-to-day life and a more joyful relationship with your son by reframing these struggles and finding win-win solutions. (My son was an insanely challenging child to teach for so many years, and it took me a while to figure out how to effectively convey and uphold my standards while preserving, and even strengthening our relationship. He's 11 now and an almost constant source of nachas (though there are days when I wish he came equipped with a volume control knob!)

Hang in there!! You can find a way through this and alternatives to the feeling of constant struggle!

Eliana