Extending grace to your adult children....

[Tammy in Germany]

I'm not having such a great day here...and well...I need advice. Here's my story. :( I have a 20 year old daughter. We are a military family living in Europe and she works full time..or at least she did...she's now home 4 days a week. She isn't a team player in our family. Does pretty much just for herself and doesn't follow the house rules...food upstairs, cleaning up after one's self, etc... On her days off she sleeps until 11 or 12... then hops on the internet all day while I'm schooling, running the house, cleaning up after the dog, meals, etc. I ask her to help out..but honestly she half does everything I ask her to do. So..today....she's suppose to be going to Iraq in April with a company and working full time for a year serving our troops. She states boldly that she isn't going if her friend can't go and she'll just go to college instead. I have begged this child to go to college for 2 years. Now on a whim she wants to go to college....how does a parent/parents extend grace to older children. I actually feel like my head is going to explode. I've said absolutely nothing yet....help!:confused::confused:

[Annie G]

I would have a difficult time extending grace when dd doesn't seem to be putting forth an effort.
It might help if you set some boundaries if dd is going to college and expects you to pay. ( Middle daughter gave us this little tidbit of experience) If she goes and you pay, if she doesn't earn at least (insert the grade you expect), then she has to pay back the tuition you spent before you pay for another class. After she has failed to meet your expectations a certain number of times, she's on her own for tuition.
And to encourage you, our now 22 year old was a tough nut to crack...she behaved much like your 20 yo. Today she is 22 and in her own apartment, working full time as a pharmacy tech, and paying all of her own bills. She is a different person...she is considerate and helpful when she drops in to visit.
We extended grace in instances where dd was clearly trying, but we held firm when we knew she wasn't putting forth a reasonable effort. We risked losing her ( many 18-21 year olds simply wouldn't have put up with the rules we enforced while she was living here), but in the end, she has turned out very well and we have a great relationship with her.
It sounds like your dd needs to find out who she is and what she wants instead of needing a friend to tag along. Does she have any aspirations?

[Kate CA]

I don't have a child that old, but I was one once. That is where my own thoughts will come from. My mother had expectations for me if I was going to live in her home. I thought this was reasonable and still do. She paid for certain college expenses, but it *was* expected that I would attend or I would have to find another place to live. I don't even know that that was said out loud, but I knew it.

I was expected to get decent grades - nothing lower than a B - or the payments would stop. She paid my car insurance, and my unit fees as well as my books, but I paid for all other expenses--clothes, gas, food outside the home, auto repair, other school extras, etc. I worked part time and went to school. It was a community college and I knew that I had to do well.

I think you are allowing her, to some extent, to do whatever she wants. It seems as though there are not any consequences for any of her actions. My mother was a firm believer in consequences and she would have absolutely followed through had I not done my part. We had a very good relationship, but I knew the boundaries not to break.

What does your husband think? Have you two decided on a course of action in any way? What are your expectations for her? Why does she think she can run over you in these ways? I am not sure more grace is needed rather than a firm hand.

I say these things, not in condemnation *at all* but because she really has had a great deal of grace and it sounds like she needs more than that.

Hugs to you!
Warmly,
Kate

[Joanne]

It doesn't sound like she needs more grace. It sounds like she needs boundaries.

[kalanamak]

With that attitude, I wouldn't help her out. If she has a good semester, I'd consider helping on the second one and keeping it up if she keeps up her end. Too many parents have wasted money on a kid they hoped college would straighten out, only to end up more bitter than ever.

I wish you best in this.

[Tammy in Germany]

Thank you so much for the advice. Boundaries and in place and some major changes are underway. :)