Consequences- Do any of you have a list?

[SandraDumas]

Can those of you who have consequences and punishments/awards all listed out or some of them listed out, please share. My home is in need of a better system than just me trying to think on the spot. I'm apt to holler or spank for things that really aren't spankable issues. I need some inspiration and ideas to get me started. Heck if one of you has a great one I might just copy the whole thing!

Also some Biblically based consequences would be great but just common sense or others are fine too!

[Daisy]

We use the If-Then Chart put out by Doorposts.

http://www.doorposts.net/if_then.asp

Works great and Mom and Dad are always on the same page. It is nice to be able to say to the children. "What doe the chart say about this?" They go read what it says and they suffer the consequence. Then it isn't DH or I coming up with emotion-based, random consequences.

[OhElizabeth]

It helps to decide ahead of time, WAY ahead of time, what gets a spanking and what doesn't. That way you know how you should respond. The only things that get a spanking in our house are: 1) rebellion, 2) hurting self or others. If it's anything other than that, we take time for a breather and tell her we'll get back to her later. Remember that song about "I'm gettin' nothing for Christmas..."? Well this year that happened to dd. Let's just say it wa a pretty BAD offense. But it was one of those that didn't fall into a spanking category and needed something that fit the problem. That's unusual in our house though. Most daily stuff falls into the rebellion or hurting someone category and needs to be spanked for. Problem with me is I get weary and tend to put it off, letting it fester. (just being honest here!) It's more about ME being consistent than it is her, if I want results.

As for books, anything by Ted Tripp. There's another one called "Don't Make Me Count to Three" which he endorses, same vein. If you find you have trouble with how you talk with them, I like books by the Sears (pediatrician and his wife). Thing is, they have gone rather anti-spanking, so you have to take them with a grain of salt. (For instance I would consider "time out" unbiblical and unwise as a means of restoring the heart.) I'm just referring to them for the way you interact with your kids in a respectful, considerate way day-to-day. I think some of us grew up in homes where conversation was very negative or non-existent, and seeing a different way of doing things can be helpful. In that sense the way they explain communication flows very nicely with Ted Tripp and the others.

[Alana in Canada]

The best way to come up with such a list is to ask your children what's important to them. Really. Computer time is practically a MUST for my son, while my daughter could really care less. For her, it's time spent with her friends.

Then POST IT ON A CHART! That's the best idea, ever!

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

Can those of you who have consequences and punishments/awards all listed out or some of them listed out, please share.

by Lisa Welchel. She has some good off-the-beaten-path suggestions for Biblically correcting children that you can incorporate into an if-then type chart of your own.

I find in our house, that the biggest thing that brings dh and I success is writing down what the consequences are for each type of infraction. If we rely soley on our memories, we're likely to discipline differently and inconsistently.

Blessings,

[SandraDumas]

I do own and love both Shepherding a CHild's Heart and Don't Make me Count to Three...but both those books leave a bit to the parent as far as non-rebellion issues...

such as contentiousness, strife, interrupting parents, etc.

I sat down today and compiled our list/chart and it's looking pretty good!

I will look into Creative COrrection, thank you!

[OhElizabeth]

Sandra, my dh has this theory, and I'm not far enough in to say it works or that I'm doing great with it, but his theory is that we as parents model a lot of behavior that our kids mimic. For instance, in The Heart of Anger (by Ted Tripp's brother), the author points out that angry kids are often imitating the anger they've seen modeled or expressed in the home. I've tried to watch teenage girls and their demeanors and how it compares to their mothers. For me, it's been a challenge that I try to maintain the air that I want her to have. Our kids will talk like us, respond like us, and imitate us. There was something my dd was doing that was bugging me and then I realized it's something *I* do that she was imitating!!! So it might definitely be worth some personal reflection, whether anything they're doing is something they're imitating and how to correct that.

The other thing is that I always want to TEACH first, then correct. For instance, if you haven't taught them how to challenge authority, then you can't be frustrated when they challenge inappropriately. I forget where I read this, but the principle was to obey first, then ask. And when they ask, they must phrase it "May I please ask..." essentially asking if they may even ask! So if my dd challenges or asks first, without immediately obeying, the only response is a spanking for disobedience. It has nothing to do with my concern for the rightness of her challenge or cause, but rather my concern for proper, immediate obedience.

Well that was a real rabbit trail, but it was to show the necessity of teaching first. If you have an issue you're dealing with, you teach them for several days, calmly responding, taking them aside, reading or discussing together, explaining. Then there's a point where it moves from instruction to consequences. But I wouldn't jump immediately to consequences, kwim? Maybe I err on that more than some people, but I think the teaching stage is really important. And when you move from the teaching stage to the consequences stage, it's important to both notify them of that (which usually is a wake-up call and helps them make the change!) and be CONSISTENT in following up. It means you have to be really geared up and focused on whatever you're working on.

My dh told me it was better to let things go and not even discipline them than to discipline in anger or be out of whack about it. That's my final thought, to not let yourself get overwhelmed, but to pick one thing as your target, the thing you're teaching on, focusing on. Sometimes it takes a few days of really focusing on discipline to get things back in order. With my dd, it's usually after growth spurts, when it seems like she grows emotionally as well as physically. I think that need for focused discipline really does go in spurts right along with it. Keep up the good work. Your efforts will pay off! :)

[Eliana]

From the other responses, I would guess that I'm coming from a very different perspective, so I'm not sure how helpful this will be....

When my kids were littler, we had 4 very broad rules posted up prominently (based on a list of 5 in a book I'd read once):

Shalom (peace)
Asking
Order (keeping things in order & doing things in the right order)
Kavod(honor/respect (includes obeying parents)

All of our household rules fell under one (or more) of the categories and each had a general type of response.


It was helpful then I think because the whole parenting thing was still new, but it also helped us think in broader terms, what was the core issue that needed to be addressed? ...and it helped us get a feel for connecting consequences to mistakes - if someone breaks the peace they need to make peace, if some doesn't ask permission, then perhaps the answer will automatically be no the next time they want to do this, if someone doesn't keep things in order and I do it for him/her, then s/he must repay that time/energy.

I don't know what kinds of issues you are having, but I've found that if there are ongoing discipline issues then there is an underlying problem. When everyone is healthy and their needs are being met, then mistakes other than the genuine 'whoops, I forgot to make my bed, I'll go do that right now.' are really, really rare.

IMNSHO, punishments (or punitive consequences) are counter-productive, and seeing an ongoing need for them signals a breakdown in the parent-child relationship. (And, yes, I do expect (and receive) prompt, respectful obedience from my children, I'm not a lax parent...) I can see that it could be helpful to think through other ways of resolving certain types of problems, but I have trouble imagining that a list lining up offense and punishment could really help a child's behavior improve, especially on the heart level... but ymmv.

Perhaps you could share some examples of issues you'd might like to handle differently? You could certainly get a wide range of responses, and could try out any that fit your family's values.

Eliana