What do you do when one child surges past his older sibling?

[8mittens]

My 5 yo is surging past his brother in reading, writing, math, etc. in ways that are now very very obvious. My older son (7) attends school (we live in Moscow and he attends a math magnet school that is really extrordinary) and is proficient in Russian. His language of instruction is Russian, and his is doing very well in this acheivement oriented school. His English reading skills are behind grade level, I think, and his writing and spelling are abysmal. We think the temporary delay in his reading and writing in English is worth the gains he is making in a foreign language. (My husband and I are not native Russian speakers).

His brother is at home and is reading fluently in English at a 3rd or 4th grade level. His is doing work in math beyond the elementary level. He is working with a Russian language teacher and is now reading and writing in Russian at a second or third grade level. My oldest sone is very smart, and quite talented in math. My second son is, I think, truly gifted in both math and languages.

My two oldest children are very close and loving brothers, but I can see that my older son is more than a little shocked and alarmed by his brother's progress this year. He is also naturally more competative than his brother, so he notices in a way his brother does not.

I am wondering what others who have experienced something similar in their family dynamic have done to support their children, mitigate rivalries, etc.

Thanks for any advice.

[LisaTheresa]

Well, if the younger one is surpassing the older because the older one has all his classes in Russian and he's learning a second language, I would just tell him that.

If it is because the younger one is simply stronger in these subjects, I would try to point out the strengths of the older one and discuss how everyone has different areas of strength.

Lisa

[CalicoKat]

We have to remind each of them that God has gifted them each and their gifts are very different from each other. And we remind that that each gift is different, not better. And we remind that God needs people will ALL different kinds of giftedness.

Each of them has to learn to be confident in who they are before God. Their abilities, challenges, and successes in life probably aren't going to be the same. But as long as they're doing their best, following God hard, then they're super!

You can't change a dog into a cat. And a cat will never be comfortable or happy if you treat it like an elephant.

It's a great life lesson to start to learn. Hard, but rewarding.

I wonder how God is going to use your son's gift for learning another language so well.

[Nan in Mass]

If so, then I think it might depend on the local attitude for accelerating. If they accelerate by jumping grades, then it might be hard for the older one. If they don't, then once they are both in school, probably your older one will feel safer, since he will always be two years ahead of his brother.

I have older children, a 13yo and a 17yo. The 17yo has his own talents and they aren't particularly academic. I teach them some subjects together, and it is obvious to both of them that the 13yo is better than the 17yo at some things. But it is also obvious that the older one is older. Since we aren't very academically oriented, this works ok.

I'd explain to the older one that younger children pick up languages more easily than older children. I'd make sure that my family didn't emphasize academics (may be hard within the Russian culture, I don't know enough to tell); that they emphasized being loving, kind, helpful, strong, etc., rather than intelligent. I'd try to find some non-competing areas where the older one excells.

HTH
-Nan

[8mittens]

Thank all of you for your thoughtful replies.

What you write makes wonderful sense. Part of the problem as I see it is that my older boy is very invested in being the best and the smartest. It is something he has picked up at school. So he works his tail off only to see his smiling, whistling brother race past him without breaking a sweat.

I'm nervous about having a "we all have our own gifts" conversation because I am afraid that by defining these gifts I will be labeling the kids. Does that make sense?

Yesterday my three year old refused to let DS1 read to her because "you are too slow" and said she wanted DS2 to read instead. ARgggh.

We are returning to the US this summer, after 4 years abroad. We do plan to continue homeschooling, with tutoring in Russian so we don't lose these hard-won gains. My oldest son says he wants to keep going to school but I think the schools near us will be nothing like the Russian school he loves so much.

[galtgrl]

I've had a similar situation with my girls... oldest is VERY competitive, #2 has gradually moved from being a year ahead (math) to 2 years ahead, so now they are both at the same level/doing the same lessons, and #2 has an easier time with it. This really bothered #1 until I gave her a version of the "different gifts" talk and also emphasized the fact that it's easier for ME to have them at the same level...that way it wasn't all about her sister. Also, I try to remind #2 not to flaunt it...no deliberately aggravating her sister!! Hope that helps. :)

[Lolly]

I've had this happen. It isn't fun. Tears are shed. It gets nasty. They get over it. Now, at 14 and 16, these two are absolutely best friends. It is almost odd.

[Catherine]

nt

[Karin]

nt


How is this spam? Just wondering. Was there a spam reply that's since been removed?

[talexand]

I would caution against the "everyone has their strengths" message. It sounds like the older child has his strengths and in some cases they are the same as his younger brother's only the younger brother is surpassing him. You need to be careful to let the older child have his areas of strength and interest even though the younger child shares them. As a parent I want to minimize the kids defining themselves around their siblings.

My older sister and I were very close in age. I was excellent at math. She was too, but was off the charts verbally. Everyone pushed her into the role of the verbal achiever so that we could both have our areas of achievement. As a result she never felt she was that good at math. It took her away from her academic interests and made it more difficult to find her field of study. She perservered though and now she has a PhD in Physics. She is obviously very talented in math.