Computer Rules & Consequences for Teens

[RoughCollie]

I put a free program called Blue Coat K-9 Web Protection on our computers. I blocked certain types of websites and certain websites, ads, chat & IM, and certain times that the kids cannot use the computer (10 p.m. to 6 a.m.).

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

The particular sites I blocked are myspace, facebook, and youtube. I plan to unblock youtube after I check to make sure the kids' accounts are for people under age 18.

This program also tells me which sites the kids tried to visit, but were denied access and why, along with all sites visited.

The specific reason I put this program in is that 2 of my boys just got back from a 6-week trip to see my family. My brother told the boys stories about his s*x life from when he was 18 to when he got married. The boys learned about some things that shocked DH and I. We found out about it because the minute the boys got in the car at the airport, they asked us how a certain experience my brother had could have occurred (the nuts and bolts of it).

Being that the boys are 14, I figured this had piqued their curiosity, and that they would look this stuff up on the internet, and I want to prevent that from happening.

(I will deal with my brother, believe me.)

I also told the kids that I set the history to 30 days and if it is deleted, I will remove all the computers from the use of all of them for one month as a consequence. (I will have no way to know who deleted it, and the culprit will probably lie about it.)

I already have a list of the sites the kids go to at which they have a password, and the passwords, and I check those, read forums they participate in, and so forth.

So last night, I went to bed at 9, and I told DS2 to go to bed at 10 when his online access ended.

I got up at 4:30 and the computer clock had been reset so that DS2 stayed online until 11 p.m.

This is dishonest. The consequence I intend to impose is to deny him computer access today. This is a big consequence to him because he is in the middle of setting up a website which he just paid for yesterday (server space, domain name, and all that).

Do you all think this is a fair consequence?

Thanks for your advice,
RC

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'd say it's a bit light of a consequence....one day? But you know your kids better than I :)

[RoughCollie]

Well, that's why I'm asking. Is it too much (doubtful), too little, would you impose different consequence?

My goal is to nip this in the bud.

What would you do?

I'd say it's a bit light of a consequence....one day? But you know your kids better than I :)

[Kris]

I'd say it's a bit light of a consequence....one day? But you know your kids better than I :)

I agree it's a bit light, but I'm a "mean mom." Kids are so inventive. ;-)

Last summer, I got up in the middle of the night, about 3:00 a.m., and something caught my eye. He was in the office, hunched down trying to hide, on the computer. Since I have parental controls set and very specific time limits (which didn't include 3:00 a.m.! LOL!) I was a bit puzzled.

Come to find out that he had disabled the parental controls on the computer when I was logged into my administrator's account and had gone into the bathroom. Since I hadn't checked the logs in a few days, he got away with it for a little while.

When asked why he thought that was a good idea, he told me he was mad because he couldn't spend more time on the computer. A month off helped him see the light -- and he got a lot more sleep.

I know kids will be kids, but lying and sneaking around I won't tolerate.

[Mosaicmind]

Computer time is a big issue around here too. DS/15 believes he has the "right" to be on the computer whenever he wants (his actual words). We are planning on getting the computer software, "See No Evil" because of some issues ds/14 has had viewing p*rn on the internet and then downloading it onto cds. That was eye opening for me.

One day imo is very light. We usually dish out a 2 week suspension of computer priviledges automatically to anyone who tries to go against anything rules we have set in place. When ds/14 was caught with all the p*rn we gave him a 1 month suspension of all computer, including friend's houses and the library.

I would say that since he directly disobeyed you and snuck around behind your back, especially when you were asleep and messed around with the computer changing things that at least 1 week is needed to make him see the light. I guarantee that he will think twice next time about doing anything like this again.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I got up at 4:30 and the computer clock had been reset so that DS2 stayed online until 11 p.m.

This is dishonest. The consequence I intend to impose is to deny him computer access today. This is a big consequence to him because he is in the middle of setting up a website which he just paid for yesterday (server space, domain name, and all that).

Do you all think this is a fair consequence?

Thanks for your advice,
RC

There was dishonesty, yes, and I think I'd deal with that by setting him up in the future to be honest in this realm. This is a weak area for this particular kid, so he's inclined to break rules to get to to do it.

I think one day away from the computer is very fair, and I think that further, you need to take the main internet cable to bed with you every night when you go to bed from now on. I think it also fair that his computer time ends when *you* go to bed because you're taking the cable, and because he has not proven himself trustworthy to have computer privileges after your bedtime.

It's a pain to screw and unscrew the cables every single day, but at least you're not leaving (IMO) overwhelming temptation in the house every night.

I think 24 hours to pay for the one hour of disobedience and no computer possible after mom goes to bed to pay for the sneakiness is plenty consequence enough.

[Elisabeth in IL]

I think 24 hours to pay for the one hour of disobedience and no computer possible after mom goes to bed to pay for the sneakiness is plenty consequence enough.I agree! If it were to happen again, then stronger measures would be taken.

[TaraTheLiberator]

Do you all think this is a fair consequence?


I don't think it's "fair" enough.

In April, my 14 year old asked me whether she could set up a MySpace account. I said no and explained why dh and I felt the way we did.

A few days later, I found out she had set up a MySpace account the very day we told her no.

She has not used the computer since.

I told her, "You can't follow the very clear rules for computer use? Then you can't use the computer."

If you had to resort to monitoring the computer and feel that your children would lie to you about their computer use, then, imo, they are not mature and responsible enough for the privilege of computer use.

We told our daughter that computer privileges were suspended "indefinitely."

Tara

[Danestress]

I would take away a lot more than a day. I don't care if he just bought a domain name. If I can't trust you, you can't use my computer. Period.

I would take away the computer for a much longer time.

My oldest son was, at times, sneaky. And he had "trouble with the truth." He would admit that now, at 20. It was part of a larger picture of having trouble accepting authority and limits, and needing to feel in control of relationships, and yes, we have worked on and talked about this, and I do think he's a really very lovely person in a lot of ways, so I hate to sound condemning.

But in my experience, you have to treat this as a very serious matter. It's very difficult to raise a child who you can't trust and who sneaks around. You won't always catch him, and you can tell him as much. But when you do catch him? It needs to make a lasting impression on him.

I would just cut him off the computer for a month or so, and I woun't tell him how long I am cutting him off for. It's your computer, and you don't really owe him access at all. I would tell him that after a month or so of perfect honesty and transparency in the relationship (not perfect behavior - just honestly and no sneaking, following the biggie rules) I will reconsider.

[st_claire]

While I don't think that censoring a kid's internet use is a good idea, the fact is he lied to you, and therefore needs to be punished. I vote to ground him for a week.

[RoughCollie]

Thank you all for your helpful advice and insight.

I talked to DH and DS is now grounded for 3 days. DH thinks a week or more is too long for a first infraction, even though DS was sneaky and dishonest.

DH and I are going to talk about this more tonight and set up stringent rules, with strict consequences for breaking them clearly defined. We will then inform the children and type the rules and consequences and put that on the fridge.

Thanks,
RC

[Catherine]

Don't spend your money on products that monitor or limit time. A clever child can easily find a way around these measures. Ask me how I know. My son has set up alternate administrator accounts, built his own computer from cast offs for less than $200, you name it.

I think Pam is right that physically removing the internet cable may be a good hope. My ds simply piggybacked on our neighbor's wireless, at least, for a day or so he did. You just are going to have a very very difficult time outwitting a child in this day and age with regard to technical issues. IMO of course. I have been enraged at the limits to which this kid has been willing to go to defy us. But anyway.....

I would take the appoach of making it as difficult as possible for him to sneak, punish in as appropriate as way as you can when you discover he has, and *build your relationship*, keep him very busy, and give him responsibilities. Grow him up. Immaturity is promoted, IMO, by playing a cat and mouse game of limits. For us, it hasn't worked very well, though it has helped some. Ahhh, rereading this I can see how frustrated I am and how ineffective I've been with him. I made many mistakes when he was younger! May you have better luck!