graduation party-what would you do?

[hpymomof3]

My nephew graduated early from high school last month. He will be leaving in a few weeks for several months of missionary training. My brother called last night to say that they are having a graduation party next weekend and that we are invited. This is the first party (graduation or otherwise) that we have been invited to in the past 14 years. His older sister graduated 2 years ago and they never invited us to that party. We only see my brother and his family twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas). We get along ok but for reasons I won't get into here the relationship isn't very close even though they live 1/2 hour away from us.

At first my dh didn't want to go because he feels that they are just inviting us so that we will give my nephew money. I think that they are probably inviting us because my mom asked him to. They are having the party at a restaurant. My dh and I were discussing how much we should give nephew (I still have no clue what is appropriate). I said that we also have to take into consideration how much it will cost us for the meal since there are 5 of us. My dh says that there is no way that we should have to pay for our food since it is a graduation party and that my brother should take care of the bill.

I don't want to argue with my dh but I'm sure that my brother isn't planning on paying. They are also inviting my sil's family, which is pretty big and my brother has 4 kids. If we don't pay then I'm sure my dad will step in and offer to pay for everyone. My dad doesn't have that kind of money so I don't want to put him in that situation.

Of course if my brother is expecting to get money for my nephew to help with his mission training it's not going to help very much if he has to pay so much for the restaurant bill.

I'm really torn about what to do.

[Claire]

I've never heard of holding a graduation party in a restaurant. Graduation parties here are always in the home, although they might be catered. In any case, food is free. The acceptable monetary gift here is about $25, although you could go so far as to double that for close family. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, so I have kept it at the $25 mark.

I'm sure they are planning for everyone to pay for their own meals. Are you on good terms with your mother? If so, I would call her and ask if she requested your family be invited.

What I would do is send regrets in the mail along with a card and a check for $25.

[WTMindy]

it sounds like a time to celebrate your nephew's accomplishments! I can see why you would be annoyed about the dinner, but I think family is more important. This is a way you can demonstrate love for a family member. If it is a pricey restaurant, just share a meal or feed the kids before you go or whatever, but I would focus on the family part of it rather than the money part.

Do you support the mission organization that your nephew is joining? Why not make a donation in his name to that rather than just giving him cash?

[Melinda in VT]

I would go, pay for my family, and give $25-$50. I'd tell DH to keep his mouth shut. ;) (When we disagree about extended family issues and neither side convinces the other, the person who was born into the family gets the final say.)

Of course, we've lived on the other side of the country from our families for 8 years now. I would love to live close enough to participate in things like graduation parties.

If going will be a serious financial hardship, then I'd probably pass. (And I agree that it seems odd to have the party at a restaurant.)

[percytruffle]

This is a once in a lifetime celebration, a time to celebrate his accomplishments. Go, happily, with monetary gift (or donation) in hand, and celebrate. You may regret not being a part of this if you don't go. There may not be more opportunities in the future to be a part of his life if you don't make an effort to keep up the ties.

[Unicorn]

If you can't afford dinner for your entire family, could just you go? I think your db should be paying, but that's just me. I like Mindy's suggestion of making a donation to the ministry in nephew's name. FWIW- I gave my sister's ds and dd each $100 when they graduated. I won't do the same for dh's niece and nephew though, because they don't "need" the money. Do what you can. I'm sure it will be appreciated by your nephew.