How do you deal with negative people?

[Karenciavo]

I need some coping skills for some negative people in my life that aren't going anywhere (read: family.) They never feel well, always tired, someone is always ticking them off, on and on. It's very hard to be around sometimes. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for them and roll my eyes, not caring. I would love to just be honest and say, "You're a miserable person and you suck all the joy out of life," but I know that won't help. :tongue_smilie:

Any advice? :bigear:

[LisaNY]

I really don't do well with negative people. When they get it going, I usually say something like, "Whenever I get in a complaining mood, I start to count my blessings, like being able to get out of bed in the morning, and having my health, etc." It usually shuts them up. Sometimes, I cut to the chase and just ask them point blank, "Did you get out of bed this morning? Then you're having a great day!"

My tolerance is fairly low, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I lost my younger brother to Leukemia six years ago. He *never* complained. As a matter of fact he used to say, "People complain, 'Why me?' and I say, 'Why *not* me?'"

My mother, who lives with us, suffers every day with rheumatoid arthritis. This woman never complains - and she's been to hell and back.

Nope, people know enough not to complain around me. :001_smile:

[Gretchen in NJ]

I am sorry Karen. Sounds like you had it a little rough. Families can be rough at times.

I always try and change the subject right away. If the person doesn't get it and needs to be hit over the head, I will resort to, "So, how is the weather outside." I would use that one right away, since some people take that one to heart.

I have one in my family too.:glare: She is old too and should know better!:tongue_smilie:

[Sue G in PA]

That sounds like me lately! :001_huh: But, for me, it is not an on-going thing. Usually, I'm very "up" and very optimistic. If they bring you down, limit your time w/ them if you can. Try your best to just be "up" when you are with them and counter all their negativity w/ extrememe positivity. They say the cup is half empty...point out that it is really half full...that sort of thing. KWIM? It can be difficult to be around people like that. Are they just negative or perhaps depressed? If it is depression, they might not be able to help it. I try my best to suppress all my negative feelings when around other people b/c I don't want to bring them down. Sorry I'm not much help...people who are negative all.the.time are very draining.

[Remudamom]

Well, if you've tried everything else just outdo them for a while.

"Oh, my arm hurts this morning", to which you reply, "mine too, it was so painful I had to go in and have it amputated."

Or "I'm so tired" "Me too, yesterday I single handedly built a log cabin out in the woods, had to chop all the trees myself."

Or "I'm so mad at so and so." "Me too, let's off him, guns and knives in the kitchen."

Maybe they'll see how ridiculous they sound.

[chiguirre]

I would start out by suggesting they see a doctor for a checkup to rule out any real issues. This will either shut them up or help them out. After this though, I'd feel free to change the subject any time they started done the negativity path.

[newbie]

I need some coping skills for some negative people in my life that aren't going anywhere (read: family.) They never feel well, always tired, someone is always ticking them off, on and on. It's very hard to be around sometimes. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for them and roll my eyes, not caring. I would love to just be honest and say, "You're a miserable person and you suck all the joy out of life," but I know that won't help. :tongue_smilie:

Any advice? :bigear:

I tend to cut out all negative disfunctional family members. I know thats awful. But I am getting too old and need to continue on a positive journey and path.

Jet

[Dayle in Guatemala]

the mouth speaks.

Whenever a certain member of my family gets overly and obnoxiously negative I pray for them and I pray for an opportunity to speak with them. The opportunity always prevents itself.

Usually this person is negative because they are dealing with something inside (rejection, fear, anxiety, stress, etc.). These things will manifest in negativity on the outside. I ask them if they are dealing with one or more of these types of things because lately I'm noticing that there's a lot of complaining and negativity coming out of their mouths. I will give them a few examples so they know I'm not being overly sensative! Afterwards, I ask them if we can figure out a way to make things better for them and if there's something I can do to lighten the load (within reason!).

It's draining being around a negative person. It drags me down. I will give a certain amount of grace, but, if things haven't changed, then I give them the "Suck it up, life could be so much worse" speech!;)

[Mom-to-three-sons]

Personally, I would ask for clarification. You never know what the other person experiences daily in life. Often, if you ask for somebody to explain, you either find out that you really do not live with what that other person lives with - and don't want to - or they realize they are pretty-much whining.

IF this person does not have any valid struggle or thorn in the flesh that maybe you could nicely make a suggestion about or share a common esperience about or maybe ask further questions to get them to thinking, themselves..and he or she is just a whiney, complainey person....

I leave their presence. I go outside to stretch, go get a drink of water and don't come back, or move to another area to "speak to someone else". I don't have to tell them what they sound like. I promise that, unless they ask, they don't want you to volunteer your "negative impression" of them. After all, aren't you now the negative person? And, isn't that like condemning? You can always be honest, if that person asks, but I, personally, would not offer, "Hey, you need to stop complaining all the time." I do have to get that way with my own sons sometimes, but that is where I feel I have been called to instruct. Even then, I need to be careful what I say.

[DB in NJ]

I need some coping skills for some negative people in my life that aren't going anywhere (read: family.) They never feel well, always tired, someone is always ticking them off, on and on. It's very hard to be around sometimes. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for them and roll my eyes, not caring. I would love to just be honest and say, "You're a miserable person and you suck all the joy out of life," but I know that won't help. :tongue_smilie:

Any advice? :bigear:

Oh I'm sorry. It's so much more difficult when it's family. I mean, it's much easier to distance yourself from draining friends, but family? That's tough.

My only advice would be to pray for them privately and keep healthy boundaries so they don't suck ya dry.

:grouphug:

[home4school]

Karen, I didn't realize you knew my mother!!! Do you talk to her often???





I'm sorry, couldn't resist. If any of you remember any posts of mine you'll probably have an idea! But, in all seriousness, you have absolutely described her. It is absolutely the most draining, joy-sucking thing in the world to be around her day-in, day-out. And I have tried a lot of the suggestions given, changing the subject, pointing out how much worse things could be, pointing out how good things really are, going gripe for gripe myself, etc. She WILL NOT CHANGE!!!!!

Unfortunately, I have to limit my conversations with her. She actually lives at my home in an in-law suite, but I try to avoid her all I can and limit conversations to only things that have to be discussed. There aren't any just sit around and have a chat times any more. I just go to the point is was draining me down too much that I didn't have any thing left.

My FIL was a dear sweet man that loved people, but he let you know about every ailment he had! :) He was always going on about this being wrong, that being wrong, etc. Well, she couldn't stand him! Fussed every time she had to be around him. "I can't stand being around him...All he does is gripe and complain!" Well, he passed away a while back and it has been all I can do when she mentions him not to say,"*HE* must have been pretty sick, 'cause *HE* died, don't 'cha think?!?!"

Anyway, sorry, no help, just curious as to what people tell you! But, if it has been a lifelong trait, I'm afraid to tell you they won't change unless God does a mighty work in their heart!

Blessings,
Kim

[Michelle T]

I need some coping skills for some negative people in my life that aren't going anywhere (read: family.) They never feel well, always tired, someone is always ticking them off, on and on. It's very hard to be around sometimes. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for them and roll my eyes, not caring. I would love to just be honest and say, "You're a miserable person and you suck all the joy out of life," but I know that won't help. :tongue_smilie:

Any advice? :bigear:


I could have written every word of your post. My family is just like you describe, particularly my mother. I hate spending time with her, because, just as you write, she goes on and on about her own miserable existence, and sucks all my energy out of me. I learned long ago that to approach her about this is a waste of time, as she is also the most defensive person ever.

I've actually recently gone into therapy, and this is one issue I'm discussing with the therapist. He suggested asking the negative family member, "so and so, are you asking for advice, or do you just want to share your feelings with me?" Almost guaranteed, they will say they just want to share their feelings (because these kind of miserable people never want advice, they just want to dump on you). Then, when they continue with their misery-spiel, ask them "Why do you see it that way?" or "Wow, that sounds tough. Is there any other way you could look at it?"

Therapist tells me that doing this over and over will result in one of two things. Either my mom will get mad and not want to talk to me anymore, or she will actually start looking at her own behavior and perhaps change. Either way, I win!

Too soon to know how it will work though. But believe me, I can fully empathize with how draining totally negative family members can be. My mom lives only five minutes away, so I see her quite often.

And both of my brothers are hard to be around too.
Michelle T

[sdWTMer]

Oh Karenciavo, that's sooooo hard, isn't it? I don't have any wise words for you as I have some around me as well. The "cup half full" kind of people. I will be watching this thread with great interest.

[Peek a Boo]

oh boy.

i always described the difference between dh and I-- I'm more of a "not only is the cup half full, it's not a breakable cup and is beautiful and has nifty handles and there's a great place to get MORE drink right. over. there!"

dh [and his now deceased dad] are more of a "not only is the glass half empty, it has a crack and will break and cut someone so bad we'll have to spend the whole day in the ER and it will cost a mint, not to mention if want more in the cup we'd have to trek way. over. there. to get it and it'll taste like carp and cost too much."

The GOOD news is that dh is turning over a new leaf attitude-wise [praise God], but the BAD news is that it is Very. Difficult. for me to be the supportive wife while he deals w/ the grief of his dad's death. he tries to remember all the good times and all I can think is "man, I'm just THRILLED the old fart finally kicked the bucket and I don't have to deal w/ his negativity."

So i just keep my mouth shut :glare:

But my mom is an emotionally manipulative negative person too. Which is why i don't make an effort to see/talk to her and just let her send the kids gift cards for birthdays and xmas.

[Mom to Aly]

I know it is hard, but maybe they are really depressed and need some cheering up? Looking back, when my xh left I was really stressed and probably really neg for quite a while, and must have said so to my friends a lot of the time without realizing it. If someone had said that to me, it would have devastated me.

Maybe trying to talk to them and ask if there is something to do could 1--help them, or 2--wake them up?

[Karenciavo]

My mom is an emotionally manipulative negative person

I don't attribute the negativity to depression, but rather I think this person is like Peek's mom which makes it even more exhausting. :tongue_smilie:

Thanks everyone. I think I need to pray more for this person and for my heart toward this person. I love them and want what is best for them, I'm not sure they will ever change, but I know I have to do the right thing no matter what they do. Just have to figure out what that is.

[home4school]

This is what I should have posted earlier, but earlier I was not in the best mood! My bil is a great Christian man and this is what he told me about my situation:

God calls us to love everyone. Sure its easy to love someone who's lovable, but we are called, in His image, to love the unlovable. He told me I should look at my situation with the knowledge that God put me here with her in my life for His purpose and is trying to teach *ME* something. Of course, not what I ever want to hear, but I think about him saying that often, you know, a what would Jesus do? moment. Can't say I ever do what He would have me to do, but I do think often of what *I'm* supposed to be learning. Wish I was a better student! :)

Prayer and Blessings to you Karen! Hope you're a better student than me!

Kim

[summer]

I tend to be negative unfortunately. But it is because if I say good things, I am afraid of coming off as bragging or something. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and was taught that it is very important to be humble. I am still not comfy saying much that might possibly be perceived as bragging or anything like that. My mother is worse than me.

I am not sure what to do about it with regards to other people. Maybe just try to change the topics to nice things?

[WTMindy]

I don't attribute the negativity to depression, but rather I think this person is like Peek's mom which makes it even more exhausting. :tongue_smilie:

Thanks everyone. I think I need to pray more for this person and for my heart toward this person. I love them and want what is best for them, I'm not sure they will ever change, but I know I have to do the right thing no matter what they do. Just have to figure out what that is.

This is good idea. Pray, pray, pray. And, I think it is OK to challenge them gently every so often if you are close to them. Perhaps you can say, "I am so sorry that you are not feeling well. Maybe this will make you feel a little better. Tell me five things that you are thankful for." or "That sounds like a bummer of a situation. Can I pray for you?" And, say a little prayer out loud for her. (if she wants that).

[Laurie4b]

Great advice. The one thing I would add is to try active listening: reflect back WHAT the person just said and the feeling behind it: "Sounds like you're feeling discouraged because your arm is still hurting." And yes.. they will go on for a while. You keep reflecting it back.

Being really "heard" is a rare thing and can be very affirming to people. It can be the thing that lances the wound enough for it to heal.

[Kalah]

I'm with you and unfortunately have had to do some self-preservation here lately. I've really tried with my negative mom but feel that, at least for now, the best thing I can do for both of us is distance each other for awhile. She used to stop by every morning, complaining and yelling at me. I found that after she left, no matter how much yoga I did, I couldn't stop taking it out on my kids. I hated that!
As far as coping with negativity, I have started telling family members that they are complaining a lot, gently. Sometimes they really don't know. (I know, incredible!) I also employ the sympathy nod and change the subject.
HTH and hang in there!

[Liz Mc in SC]

When people come and unload on you and you let them, it shows them you are accepting of it. I think we are trained not rock the boat and allow people to dump all over us cause it just wouldn't be "nice" to stop them and say HEY I don't need to listen to your blah blah blah.

Someone once told me that I was a willing participant to the dysfunction and that it was up to me to stop it. It's called boundries. No matter who they are -- mother, sister, brother -- if it isn't healthy for you to take on all their complaining then you need to stop and say, "Hey, I love you -- I feel for your situation but I can't be your sounding board, dump all, catch all person. I want to talk with you, I enjoy talking with you but I can't sit and listen to constant grumbling, complaining, whining etc...lets talk about something good going on."

They'll get board with you pretty quick and find someone else to unload all their yuck on. It's like magic.

There is a story, A neighbor rings your door bell and dumps their trash all over your front porch and says "I didn't have anywhere to put this" and leaves. A couple of days later they do it again, leaving you standing there with your mouth wide open. The following week the door bell rings again and it's your neighbor.....what are you going to do?

Think about it.

[Chris in CA]

I've had to do something similar to this, I pray for them, but to have them in my life is toxic

[Mamagistra]

I would start out by suggesting they see a doctor for a checkup to rule out any real issues.

This doesn't work, btw, if said negative person is a hypochondriac. :rolleyes: But I wouldn't know anything about that... :D

[Mamagistra]

My only advice would be to pray for them privately and keep healthy boundaries so they don't suck ya dry.

:iagree: This is my approach, too.

Hugs to you, Karen. :grouphug:

[HeatherH]

I'll chime in with Mamagistra - pray, and keep boundaries.

I've got in-laws that are the. same. way. When my mil leaves a message on the machine, you'd swear someone died. She's usually just calling to say hi. My sil is the same way - she's a believer, and it has only been this year that when she calls, she asks how I'm doing, instead of spending 45 minutes on the phone telling me about how awful her life is.

I am a Perennially Peppy Person. Period. I've realized that I've become chief of Never Admitting Anything's Wrong to the In-Laws. Ever. End of story. And that's not fair, exactly, but it's how I cope. Husband out of work? Oh, it's ok, we're doing great. House won't sell? We're fine, thanks. Etc.

This may or may not be pertinent to the discussion, by my eldest dd has these tendencies. She blames them on her own "introvertedness". A few months ago, we were visiting a friend, my friend said, "K, are you ok? What's the matter?" When K responded she was just tired, friend said, "Well, you sure looked very depressed or something."

That was a great teaching moment. We talked about her countenance, and how it affects others. NOT that we're all Perpetually Peppy, but that her countenance tends to be mopey if she's not careful, and she needs to be mindful of that.

Am I making any sense? Cold medicine's making me spacey. . . .

Just my evening ramblings.