Is this the place to talk about discipline and discouragement?

[Alana in Canada]

The kids are kicking up their heels at doing any schoolwork. And I'm feeling quite discouraged. It is such a battle, some days, that I just don't feel capable of facing it. (And I'm not handling it well. I'm constantly on edge and stressed.)

Have you any advice for me?
Is there a hot-line for homeschool moms?

What can I do?

[Joanne]

The kids are kicking up their heels at doing any schoolwork. And I'm feeling quite discouraged. It is such a battle, some days, that I just don't feel capable of facing it. (And I'm not handling it well. I'm constantly on edge and stressed.)

Have you any advice for me?
Is there a hot-line for homeschool moms?

When I feel discouraged to that degree or one of my clients feels that way, instead of "discipline", I suggest a life-look.

1) Do you have age appropriate, quality giving routines in place?
2) Do you have connecting rituals, playfulness and intentional positives?
3) Look at food in terms of quality, tone of meals.
4) Is anyone hooked into too much screen time?
5) Sleep?
6) Are YOU getting YOU time in whatever way feeds you?
7) If you are constantly on edge and stressed, how is your trigger managemenet? Noise, chaos, neediness, unpredictability, mess and tedious repitition are draining, exacerbating triggers. Guess what life with kids is comprised of?
8) Is everyone getting an appropriate amount of play, exercise and movement?
9) Major changes, transitions, stress?
10) Could you be depressed, clinically?

[Beth in Central TX]

Dear Alana,

Homeschooling can be very difficult at times, but it's also been one of the most rewarding events in my life too. Of course, we all have different personalities and stress levels, but for me, I become more stressed when we get off of our schedule. I've created a homeschool schedule ala Managers of Their Homes by Teri Maxwell. When we are on our schedule, everyone knows what to expect. It's not surprising that math starts at 10am because it always starts at that time. However, when I become lax, and I let the schedule slide, our school days usually go downhill from there.

My boys have never "kicked up their heels" at schoolwork, but I have dealt with ungrateful and disgruntled attitudes (generally at math correction time). When the negative attitudes rear their heads, I immediately address it. If it's just a case of tears, then I have that person lie down on the couch for a few minutes of rest and reflection. If the attitude escalates, then that person calls Dad for a one-on-one chat. If the attitude is persistent throughout the day, then the person loses privileges (TV, computer, toys, etc.), and Dad has a conference with them that night. This progression of consequences helps me to keep my cool, and I don't blow up at the first offense and take away the TV for the rest of the year or whatever unreasonable expectation comes to mind. Of course, nothing works perfect, and I think I've already grounded someone for life this month, but my point is that you need a system in place to address the problems that you are having so that you don't just loose your cool each time with no remedy to the problem.

To help relieve the stress level of just being at home 24/7 with our boys, I try to go out with friends at least twice a month. Each month I meet a group of ladies for dinner, and I meet generally those same ladies for a book club meeting. I adore my boys, and I truly love homeschooling them (even though some days are extremely challenging), but I do need a break. My husband recognizes this and gladly gives me the downtime that I need.

I hope that something I've said has been helpful to you. It's tough to be the mom and the teacher. In the end, I think we will be gratified that we took the road less traveled.

[Amy in Orlando]

Maybe you guys just need a change of routine for a few weeks? A unit study that you all can work on together that includes some fun cooking or projects or something like that (unless projects stress you out). When my boys were that age, we'd usually hit a couple of times during the year where we needed that kind of break.

I'm guessing it's cold in Canada, so outside time is probably limited. We get crazy with just a few weeks of rain!! Try to come up with creative ways for them to let off some steam between subjects. Our house is fairly small and I'm not a terribly picky housekeeper. One of our favorite rainy-day activities was "The Floor is Lava" where they had to find a way across the house without stepping on the floor. Stuff like that can be messy, but it does gives them an outlet for pent up energy and it's kind of fun if you play too.

Another idea is to make 1/2 a day or even a full day a week game day - it can still be educational, but it's a change. We used to play things like S'math, Scrabble, Monopoly, etc. Things that used some math and a bit of reading.

Hang in there - I think we all go through this from time to time.

[Colleen in NS]

The kids are kicking up their heels at doing any schoolwork. And I'm feeling quite discouraged. It is such a battle, some days, that I just don't feel capable of facing it. (And I'm not handling it well. I'm constantly on edge and stressed.)

Have you any advice for me?
Is there a hot-line for homeschool moms?

What can I do?

I, too, have a ds who will be 10 in a few weeks, and dd7.

And, it's CANADA, I tell you!!! It's cold here now, snowy, rainy, dark, dreary, windy, cold.......ever since I moved here many years ago, I've had to talk myself through January.....February is a bit of a reprieve, then March-April with its rain is another season for me to get through. But mid-winter is the hardest time. My kids, esp. ds, are antsy, they don't want to be outside much, either. Just hang in there, one day at a time. The days ARE getting longer, have you noticed? The sun is setting later....spring is coming and things will get better. Just ask nancypants out in Alberta. :)

[Sue in St Pete]

Have you any advice for me?


From Boundaries with Kids by by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Parents run into a big problem when they do not distinguish between psychological and negative relational consequences versus reality consequences. Life works on reality consequences. Psychological and negative relational consequences, such as getting angry, sending guilt messages, nagging, and withdrawing love, usually do not motivate people to change. If they do, the change is short-lived, directed only at getting the person to lighten up on the psychological pressure. True change usually comes only when someone's behavior causes him to encounter reality consequences like pain or losses of time, money, possessions, things he enjoys, and people he values.

One quick example is what I call morning chores. My son has a list of 10 things that are his morning chores: put dirty clothes in the hamper, close drawers, open blinds, put library books on the night table, trash in the trash c can, etc. I thought that if I told him 100 million times to do these things, that he would remember. I would nag. I would get angry. After I read this book, I told him that his morning chores had to be done by 1 hour after he got out of bed. If not, he would lose an hour of screen time. He was not happy for a month. But, he learned. The second month, he did much better. The third month, even better. I hardly ever have to mention it anymore. I tried the other way for years on end. The new way took a few months.

This is one of the best parenting books I've read.

Good luck!

[Alana in Canada]

Thank you all. I am so grateful you're all so generous to try and help me!

I'll respond in no particular order:
We have had a major change: we got a puppy at Christmas! It has certainly added to the chaos.

And no, we can't take a break. Normally, I would and have--but I'm afraid it may be turning into a kind of avoidence for me).

We didn't do any school from September until January--so part of my "stress" is feeling behind and so off schedule I can't see my way to the end of the school year. (Not that it matters, legally. Or, maybe, even in the long run. But I feel pressured by being "behind.")

And unfortunately, I have no social life whatsoever. My mom had agreed to take the kids on Sunday afternoons so my husband and I could have some time together--but it has been too cold to go out the last three weeks. (Which also explains a bit of our craziness, I guess.)

About the depression--it's likely--and seasonal. We're only getting nine hours of daylight at the moment--March isn't that far away, right?

I want to reflect on some of the questions Joanne asked. I need some clarification though.

What is "an age appropriate, quality giving routine" --do you mean chores?

What is an "intentional positive?"

Thanks again.

[Alana in Canada]

omigoodness, two replies while I was responding!
Yes, Colleen, it IS Canada, isn't it? (grumble, grumble).

And Sue in St. Pete--Boundaries with Kids--I have it!
I've even read it--but I did NOT get this:


True change usually comes only when someone's behavior causes him to encounter reality consequences like pain or losses of time, money, possessions, things he enjoys, and people he values.



Thank you so much. I'll look through it again.

[Alana in Canada]

Ok, I have answered Joanne's questions.

The biggest thing that seems to stand out for me is our lack of routines and predictability. There's just too much chaos around here.

There are also no accountability for the kids to do their chores (nor for me, actually) and no consequences. The consequences I face, of course, are doing laundry late at night when someone says he's out of socks, and letting dishes pile until there's no room to prepare food.

I like the previous poster's guideline for her son: do x,y,z, within one hour of waking up: that may be a better approach for us at the moment. I have a schedule: but it's "shot" whenever we don't start "on time" which is every day, right now!

I could certainly try that with respect to myself....and start establishing some peace and order to our lives.

As well, I should start working on the "real" consequences. Last night when my daughter interrupted me on the computer for the third time (she was supposed to be going to bed) I told her "I can't talk to you right now. You are supposed to be upstairs" and then as she continued to speak, I looked anywhere but at her. It was hard on both of us, but she went upstairs.

Thanks. I'm still working through it--I have until tomorrow to figure this out! (Well, at least to figure out what my response will be to the resistence I'll get when I say, "OK: let's start school" on Monday!)

[Sue in St Pete]

And Sue in St. Pete--Boundaries with Kids--I have it!
I've even read it
If you've got it then look at the these parts as well:
Balancing Freedom, Choices, and Consequences on page 63
Respecting Limits in General on page 109

Good luck!

[Alana in Canada]

Thank you Sue!

I spent the day planning out the week's studies: just so I'd know where we are going.

I did the last four weeks without a plan and found it was getting a bit chaotic and it was straining my poor brain cells too much trying to "remember" everything! I used to make up plans on Sunday afternoon all the time, but they took the entire afternoon, and we never got to it all, so I stopped.

I'm feeling much calmer now (I also filed a bunch of piles and sorted things....it helps.)

[momo4]

There was so much good advice, I feel like this isn't needed, but our home has turned around so much lately that I had to share.

I make a list on the weekend of all I want them to get done during the week and then hand it to them on Sunday night. Whatever they don't finish by Friday they have to do early Sat morning. This has worked tremendously. They work into the evening if they need to. Before they felt like they were done by 1pm, whether they were done or not.

It turns it into their responsibility and not mine. complete attitude change and much more productive. It helps that they are 8 and 11.

[Alana in Canada]

This is all great advice--indeed it is--but I need the the nuts and bolts of it too, Momo4! Thanks.

I just read The Respecting Limits in General, dialogue scenario 1: (p. 110) I think I had that exact conversation with my daughter several times last week. No wonder she argues and agrues and argues with me. I keep arguing back! And the thing is, I truly thought I wasn't!