How often to you or your dh talk to your parents during the week or month?

[MJN]

Do you children call their grandparents on a regular basis?

Dh's mother is a very unhappy, unreasonable person and she expects dh to call her EVERY single day because she called her mother everyday. Dh's mother was divorced twenty years ago, while her mother was still living. She would get off of work and go by her mother's house, eat a bite for supper and go home. She would have called her sometime during that day as well. Her mother wasn't in that bad of health, but she did have some breathing issues, but until the last two years of her life, she was fully functional. She had her own garden, hung laundry outside, etc. For some reason, dh's mother thinks he should stop by and visit her, call her every day AND she expects the children to call her during the week as well.

Dh does check on her a couple times a week, but his job is very demanding esp. this time of the year, and he's not able to come by her house. He will or all of us will see her a few times a month, but dh feels her demands are ridiculous and has told her so. She NEVER comes to our house, says the price of gas is too high. Well, guess what we're buying the same gas she does and yes, it is high. We have FIVE people to feed, she has one. She's not on a limited income either. We think it's only fair that she make an effort to come to our house at least once a month. We call her and invite her to supper and she always turns us down, saying she has other plans.
Of course, when her favored son lived the same distance we do now, she had a scheduled dinner night at their house and she went to see the grandchildren! Talk about hurting someone. Urrgh!!

So, dh has discussed this with her and she does not understand. She thinks if somebody from here doesn't call her or come see her, that she's done something wrong or we don't love her. We're in the midst of raising THREE children, dh works 40 plus hours, I'm working a part time job and our oldest works a part time job. We are tired when we get home and we do have other responsibilities that have to be done around here. She makes snide remarks to dh about when he does chores on the weekend that really are irritating. I mean my man works in the heat all week, comes home and sits in the recliner after supper and sleeps. He has no energy to do much when he comes home, so on Saturday, we have a few chores we have to do, but because we aren't spending our weekend with her, she thinks badly of us. She worked full time when she was raising a family and she did her chores on Saturday and rested on Sunday, just like we do.

She's definitely not a person that will ever be pleased. We can never do enough to make her happy.

I guess I just needed to vent again! Better to get it out than keep it in, right?

Thanks for reading if you've hung in here this long! :-)

Molly

Just wanted to edit this to say - Please don't get me wrong. We have tried to help her and we do try to reach out to her. Dh does go by there and sometimes he is greeted with a room filled with no conversation. (I'm not lying. I've experienced myself.) He is a chipper kind of guy, willing to help anyone, but after years of not being appreciated and treated like dirt, you grow tired and weary. It's just not right for anybody to treat someone the way she treats people. Even her brothers and sisters complain about how she treats people. Dh needs to be reminded to not be her puppet. He does well for a while and then he gets slack. He had boundaries set up, but let them down a bit. I'll encourage him again. So, do know that we DO try to keep in contact with her. She doesn't really like me and honestly, I do try to be nice to her and "tolerate" her for the children's sake. I am cordial and when she allows me, I'll do things for her. She's super independent, but when she gets sick, then she'll let me do more for her, so I do. At least she can't say I didn't help her in her time of need, right? I didn't want ya'll to get the wrong impression about us. We talk to my mother and his dad a couple times a week and they appreciate it. They know we're busy and that we do make time for them as much as possible. His dad lives an hour away. My mother lives 14 miles and I see her at least once a week, maybe more. They both understand the price of things and appreciate what we can do, whenever. I'm so thankful that at least they understand.

[elegantlion]

Wow, that's a hard one. We live far away from all family and we call my parents about once a week, dh's mother about once a month. We have a great relationship with them, but they realize we are busy, and so are they.

:grouphug: no advice, just saying what works for us.

[Sarah CB]

Well, I call my mom just about every day, but it's because I enjoy chatting with her. She doesn't call here very often because she worries about interrupting us.

We call dh's parents about once a week. I should probably call his mom more because she isn't doing very well right now and I know she's lonely.

[WTMindy]

Do you children call their grandparents on a regular basis?

Dh's mother is a very unhappy, unreasonable person and she expects dh to call her EVERY single day because she called her mother everyday. Dh's mother was divorced twenty years ago, while her mother was still living. She would get off of work and go by her mother's house, eat a bite for supper and go home. She would have called her sometime during that day as well. Her mother wasn't in that bad of health, but she did have some breathing issues, but until the last two years of her life, she was fully functional. She had her own garden, hung laundry outside, etc. For some reason, dh's mother thinks he should stop by and visit her, call her every day AND she expects the children to call her during the week as well.

Dh does check on her a couple times a week, but his job is very demanding esp. this time of the year, and he's not able to come by her house. He will or all of us will see her a few times a month, but dh feels her demands are ridiculous and has told her so. She NEVER comes to our house, says the price of gas is too high. Well, guess what we're buying the same gas she does and yes, it is high. We have FIVE people to feed, she has one. She's not on a limited income either. We think it's only fair that she make an effort to come to our house at least once a month. We call her and invite her to supper and she always turns us down, saying she has other plans.
Of course, when her favored son lived the same distance we do now, she had a scheduled dinner night at their house and she went to see the grandchildren! Talk about hurting someone. Urrgh!!

So, dh has discussed this with her and she does not understand. She thinks if somebody from here doesn't call her or come see her, that she's done something wrong or we don't love her. We're in the midst of raising THREE children, dh works 40 plus hours, I'm working a part time job and our oldest works a part time job. We are tired when we get home and we do have other responsibilities that have to be done around here. She makes snide remarks to dh about when he does chores on the weekend that really are irritating. I mean my man works in the heat all week, comes home and sits in the recliner after supper and sleeps. He has no energy to do much when he comes home, so on Saturday, we have a few chores we have to do, but because we aren't spending our weekend with her, she thinks badly of us. She worked full time when she was raising a family and she did her chores on Saturday and rested on Sunday, just like we do.

She's definitely not a person that will ever be pleased. We can never do enough to make her happy.

I guess I just needed to vent again! Better to get it out than keep it in, right?

Thanks for reading if you've hung in here this long! :-)

Molly

I'm so sorry about this situation. I can just hear the pain and resentment flowing from your words. It sounds like she is a very unhappy woman. It sounds like whatever you do will not be enough, but I would still like to encourage you to try. Is it good enough if YOU call her or does it need to be your dh? How about the kids? What if one of their assignments each day was to rotate through calling grandma and just saying Hi.

I would continue to invite her over for dinner. Tell her you want to make it an every Tuesday thing (or whatever day.) Keep inviting even when she says No. Keep calling and do what you can, but you can't stop your lives for her.

To answer your question, both of our parents live in town and we see them both at least twice a week, but they make as much effort (if not more) than we do to see us also, so it is not the same situation.

Again, I'm so sorry that she is putting you into this situation!

[Tammy in Germany]

I email my Mom and Dad daily...several times actually. They call once a week and we call once a week.

My in-laws are hard to get up with but we try weekly on the weekends and usually get several emails during the week.

The kids can call the grandparents whenever they want. :D

[Amy in NH]

I wouldn't keep trying to please her, or live my life around her demands, or feel guilty about it either.
Do what you think is reasonable, and let her be angry. Like you stated, she'll *never* be happy!

I call my mother or she calls me about 2-3x/week. My kids almost never talk to her on the phone, although they are always happy to see Grammy & Grumpy. They usually come to visit about once per month (on average), and we go down to see them (it's a two hour drive, one way) about 3-4x per year. Their house isn't really kid-friendly, and we don't have the money for gas, and they understand that. They are very good to us.

My father lives in NV, and I talk to him on the phone about once every month or two. My kids talk to him on the phone about never, although they are happy to see them when they come. We haven't seen him for at least two years. Times are tough, and neither of us have been able to afford a trip. But they spent their frequent flyer miles to send my oldest son a plane ticket last year, and he went out to visit them for two weeks. They had a nice time visiting and camping together. My Dad is always good about sending fun birthday presents, and the kids really adore him.

My DH speaks to his parents on the phone about 3-4x per year (mother's day, father's day, and birthdays). The kids don't talk to them on the phone at all. They drive the 1500 miles to come visit SIL once per year, and they spend a day or two here while they're up. This past week was our annual visit, and I spent my time entertaining them after they told us they were coming at the very-last-minute. I don't know if we'd ever see them if SIL didn't live downstate, & I think DH talks to my folks on the phone more than his own parents.

[Lolly]

Well, we live with fil now, so multiple times a day. He has always called dh at least 5 times a day while he was at work. That has slowed down now that the kids and I are with him round the clock.

My parents, I usually call once or twice a week. More if anything is going on. We go to visit them (5 hours) every 2-3 months. They come here once every year or two. Probably will be less now that fil is involved.

The kids call my mom whenever the wish. I'm sometimes surprised to find out that she already knows everything that has been going on. They always call her to pout if they are mad with me about something.

[LisaNY]

Every day. We built an addition for my mother and stepfather ten years ago.

I'm pm'ing you.

[dangermom]

Oh, that's difficult. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

We live in the same town as my parents, and we see them a couple of times a week. We're all busy, so even though they're 2 miles away, it's hard to get together! We often see Grandma at the library, where she works. I email or call my mom more often than that, but usually just little short messages.

We don't see my in-laws much and we should call them more. They're not as easy to live with as my parents are--there's just more tension. So thank you for reminding me to have the kids call their grandparents today!

[transientChris]

We only have my dh's father left and we don't talk to him. We would like to but his other older brothers have taken over his life (with his permission and he is not senile so we can't do anything) and they owe lots of money and so they don't have the phone plugged in unless they are calling out. They don't call us except once in the last year and that was to ask us for lots of money. FIL is not in good shape but my dh refuses to take any of us to see him since he believes that no one is safe in that household now (not from them but because of the problems the BILs have and one of them is a gambler and may owe money to bad people). It is a really sad situation but there is nothing we can do. I was so worried about our Christian responsiblity that I had to talk with my pastor about it last Fall. He is great Pastor and full of compassion for the downtrodden and alwasy talking about doing good unto oters and showing your Christian faith by doing good. Yet even he agreed that for s to go there and try to change things was basically impossible since my 82 yo FIL had at last talk all his faculties and seemed rational even if unreasonable. However he has been equally unreasonable all his life so nothing is different.

[Kristafish]

talk to our parents a couple times a week.
We all live pretty close to each other(10-15 miles away).

[Dinsfamily]

Dh calls his parents at least once a week, but often 2-3 times depending on how busy we are. I call my parents once a week, but occasionally won't talk to them for a few weeks. However, this seems to work for everyone involved. No one is insulted if they don't receive a call unless it is a holiday or birthday.

While our parents live far away, we live in the same town as my dh's grandmothers. Dh calls them once a week and I think that they would be insulted if he didn't. We like to make them feel loved and often look for ways to do that. I wish that we could have them over more often, but it is tricky getting them to our house as they don't drive much anymore and dh works pretty late hours. As they age, we need to make it more of a priority to see them often. I would really like my children to remember these great women.

I would say with your mil to try to make her feel loved in ways that speak to her. However, if she is just discontent in general, then not to take it personally. We can't control others. I know that can be tough when speaking of close family members and our ties with them.

[PiCO]

Do you children call their grandparents on a regular basis?

Dh's mother is a very unhappy, unreasonable person...

She NEVER comes to our house, says the price of gas is too high.

Of course, when her favored son lived the same distance we do now, she had a scheduled dinner night at their house and she went to see the grandchildren!

So, dh has discussed this with her and she does not understand.

She's definitely not a person that will ever be pleased. We can never do enough to make her happy.
Molly

You know she's not going to be happy, so just tell her what she can expect from you. If it's not good enough for her, at least she has a favored son that lives up to her expectations! ;)

I've never been a phone person. I talk to my dad once a year or less, e-mail once a week (usually jokes forwarded.)

I call my in-laws 3-4 times per year, and see them twice a year.

[charlotteb]

My parents are both deceased. DH and I talk to his mom several times a week and the kids have a great bond with her. We only talk to dh's dad once every few months. His parents divorced when he was very young and his father was very far from being a great dad. Our kids aren't quite sure what to think of him. He has a very brash personality and they're actually a bit uncomfortable around him.

[MJN]

a long time ago. She was stressing me out with her moodiness. I was trying to be nice by calling her, staying touch, etc. and she wouldn't talk on the phone w/out be moody. I am not a phone person, so it was a real stretch for me and that was when my kiddos where younger. I truly didn't have the time or energy then, but I tried reaching out to her. After many times of me carrying the conversation with someone who obviously didn't care if I called or not, I gave up. Also at that time, my own mother was sick and I was taking care of her, driving back and forth 60 miles round trip several times a week, taking care of my own family, homeschooling, etc. I was getting sick from all the stress of my own mother's situation and his mother was one more thing I didn't need to contend with. I do have times where I am angry and resentful about this situation. I am dealing with it at the present before it eats me alive. I won't allow his mother to ruin my health. Sorry this is long!

Molly

[MJN]

he can remember. He remembers a miserable childhood w/ a mother that threw temper tantrums when she didn't get her way. It's obviously carried on through the years and now she's a 70 yo woman. Unfortunately, I think the whole family is afraid of her and her moods, so they just tolerate her the best they can. They don't want to upset his mother and make her mad. She's truly the most miserable person I have ever met! I often tell dh that I'm so glad we don't know anybody else like her and that most of the people we know love and treat us with respect and genuinely care about us. It's hard to love someone like his mother, definitely a character building opportunity.

[Kathleen in VA]

a long time ago. She was stressing me out with her moodiness. I was trying to be nice by calling her, staying touch, etc. and she wouldn't talk on the phone w/out be moody. I am not a phone person, so it was a real stretch for me and that was when my kiddos where younger. I truly didn't have the time or energy then, but I tried reaching out to her. After many times of me carrying the conversation with someone who obviously didn't care if I called or not, I gave up. Also at that time, my own mother was sick and I was taking care of her, driving back and forth 60 miles round trip several times a week, taking care of my own family, homeschooling, etc. I was getting sick from all the stress of my own mother's situation and his mother was one more thing I didn't need to contend with. I do have times where I am angry and resentful about this situation. I am dealing with it at the present before it eats me alive. I won't allow his mother to ruin my health. Sorry this is long!

Molly

Wow, Molly, this is hard:grouphug:. I know you want to do the right thing - I can sense you are a very caring person. But there is only so much one person can do to maintain and carry a relationship. She is choosing to feel hurt by your dh not calling every day. She could choose not to if she wanted to. This is one of those situations where you have no control. You cannot make her appreciate what you have done so far and you cannot control her bad attitude. You need to put your energy on your own dear family and just try to be civil to your mil. Be careful not to carry false guilt around on this one - you have very little power here. Just be as pleasant as you can be when you do talk to her, take care of any real needs if you are able and have dh call her once a week.

My mom died in 1995. My dad lives 5000 miles away so we correspond sporadically. My dh calls his parents every single day - often several times daily, but then, his father has lung cancer and they *need* his support right now. When they were less needy, dh called a few times a week.

[Tracey in TX]

I choose to talk to my mom at least once/week, but have gone months without chatting if we're busy and can't connect. I speak to DH's mom a few times/year, which is more often than he talks to his own parents.
I don't believe IL's should mandate rules. Our lives are busy and often complicated. My job is to raise my children in the best way possible. The other relationships in our lives are, honestly, not as important. We all make choices in our lives and mine is to put time and energy into my nuclear family. Besides, the phone rings both ways. Just as easy for someone else to ring me as for us to call them.

[muffinmom]

She says she expects your dh to call every day because she called her mom every day. But in part, she probably called her mom every day because she is female. We women tend to (a) want to talk on the phone more in general and (b) want to talk to our moms frequently. I talk to my mom at least a couple of times a week, sometimes every day, but we enjoy it.

My dh calls his mom MAYBE once every 2 weeks. They just talk whenever, but his sisters call her more, I think because they are female and enjoy that more.

I don't know if that argument would resonate with her, but I think it's a real part of what's going on.

[lynn]

My parents a couple times a week. FIL rarely as we just e-mail a couple times a week.

[Shannon831]

I talk to my mom several times a week. My dad, about once a month.

Dh's mom, once every couple of months (very broken relationship). DH talks to his dad about once a week.

We don't live near anyone and both sets are divorced. You mil sounds way more needy than what I'm used to dealing with. Sorry!

[Eliana]

I think the 'right' answer to this depends on the individuals involved....

Dh and I both have very strong, positive relationships with our parents and we have a lot of ongoing contact with them:

I talk with my mother on the phone almost every day. She comes here on long visits once or twice a year - when she lived 5 hours away she came at least twice a month. (She's in Texas now and we're in Seattle...)

With my Dad it is a little more variable, some weeks we talk 4-5 times, other weeks just once or twice. He visits at least once a year.

We talk with my parents-in-law several times a month - some months a lot more than that - and we see them several times a year.

I talk with my grandfather several times a month (when my Grammy was alive we talked almost daily).

...but all of these are *positive* relationships, ones which strengthen everyone involved.. they are balanced, equal relationships with lots of love and respect and no resentments anywhere.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters what any of the rest of us do... the reality is that your m-i-l has a set of expectations/desires and that is her emotional reality, whether it is objectively reasonable or not. And you and your dh have your own set of expectations/desires... and a lot of unarticulated resentment.

When I get resentful it usually means that I'm feeling boxed in - that I've not been given a choice, that I'm being coerced into something... it isn't about how much I'm being imposed on, but about how wholeheartedly I've *chosen* to take on whatever it is. Sometimes I need to look at my full range of options - including ones I would never use - and really feel how much I am *choosing* the path I'm on... and then the resentment evaporates.

Some specific suggestions about your situation:

1) I don't feel it is constructive to tell someone that their needs (real or perceived) are unreasonable, especially if that person isn't going to really hear me.

2) You don't need to justify or explain yourselves to her, imho. and (related)

3) You do not need to listen to ongoing criticism of your life, your spouse, your habits, or anything. ...and that is a boundary I set out clearly if I am ever in that situation - and once I've clearly explained that boundary, the conversation is over if the person crosses it. Disengage, honey, for everyone's sake!

4) In your situation, I would consider calling daily (or dh calling daily), even if only very briefly - it doesn't have to take much time, and it is a small thing to give.


5) I think when you've found a way to disengage, and you've established some boundaries so you aren't being deluged by criticism, and you get yourselves out from under the burden of guilt/pressure/expectations, the resentment will fade and you'll be able to find a way of relating that works for you... and give to her from a full, compassionate heart - seeing her sadness and hunger, while not getting drawn into an unhealthy pattern. She sounds so sad and needy...

:grouphug: Take care, my dear!

[Hoggirl]

How to Hug a Porcupine. I cannot begin to tell you how much this has helped me in getting past several issues I have had with my fil.

[CactusPair]

I am sorry about your rough situation.

I call my mom just about everyday, often just to leave a message. I adore her. We talk several times a week. I talk to my dad about 2-3 times a months. It's enough and I have to detox after I hang up. Dh calls his mom, who has no other kids or husband, 1-2 a week. She's easy going and has never complained about the amount.

Dh visits his mom about 1-2 a month. She lives about 2 hrs. away and doesn't drive on freeways herself. I don't see my parents often. My mom works all the time to keep afloat. My dad doesn't like visitors--I stay away gladly and make the perfunctory holiday visits.

The porcupine book sounds good. I think I'll check that one out, too.

Peace

[TejasMamacita]

My mom calls me about once a week. We usually speak for 5 or 10 minutes just to catch up. I never call her. I despise the telephone and avoid it at all costs. :ohmy: I used to write letters before email. I also don't email my mother because she insists on putting me on her "junk" email list and forwards me lots of crap that I spend all day deleting. :cursing:

I have my son call her so she had touch with him. They love each other, they love telephone conversations, and can talk for hours about absolutely nothing.

My spouse actually works in the family business, so MIL, FIL are all around each other all day long AND my MIL still calls here three or four times a day in the evening after work just to chat. It's excessive and gets on my nerves, but it's been going on for 10 years. So I think that's something I've learned to live with.

[Sasharowan]

I call my mom or she calls me at least once a day. She lives close by and we often do things together or she takes 1 or more kids. We are very close. Dh calls his mom on important holidays or if there is need, like now for instnace she just had surgery and he checks on her. Even when we lived 2 doors down from her, I saw her daily but dh only on weekends. He loves her and gets along with her, just wants to focus on his household when he gets home from work and not anyone else. Plus he's number 10 of 12, so she has plenty of kids, most of whom live nearby.

[Natalieclare]

It sounds like you are in a really frustrating situation. :grouphug: I hate the feeling that no matter what I do, I am still impotent to bring about any change in a situation and that's how I'd feel were I you.

My situation is a little different than yours. My folks are in the same area as me. I might call over there once a week or so. My mom actually pops over to my property several times a week. I say she pops over "to my property" and not "to my house" because most of the time she won't even come in the house unless she is hungry! She has a passion to restore native plant species anywhere she can, so she is ripping out my himalayan blackberries and replacing them with native species. So she's here but sometimes she won't even come in and say, "HI!" to me. It's so weird. I don't really take it personally; I just can't relate to blackberry-ripping being more of an attraction than a person.

I'm working on loving her just how she is, even when I can't relate. Sometimes I even offer up the kids to go out and work with her instead of doing household chores just to meet her where she is.