Tell me I'm just being hormonal and ridiculuous...

[Sue G in PA]

My neighbor has really taken to my ds5. She just adores him (well, all my dc, really, but esp. ds5). Ds5 loves her as well. He used to spend hours at her house but I cut it back b/c it was really getting to me. She takes him out to lunch occasionally (all the time if I'd permit) and out to the store and today she and her husband want to take him to his work (he drives trucks and ds5 LOVES trucks) to get his paycheck and then out to lunch. I'm just feeling sick inside! I feel like he loves being w/ her more than me. She lets him do whatever he wants (except what I tell her he can't), spoils him and of course, doesn't discipline. I'm always the bad guy. He is just soooo nasty when he is home. I mean, really nasty. Picks on everybody, disrespectful, whiney, cries incessantly when things don't go his way, etc. He is sweet as pie in her presence! What's UP with that? I'm sorry to vent...I'm just feeling sick about letting him go, but I know he'll really enjoy seeing the trucks. Am I just feeling hormonal? Being ridiculous? This woman is really sweet as can be to him. My only beef is they smoke at her house (and it really bugs me which is why I limited his time there) and he picked up some curse words there (but they really try to NOT use bad language around him). Am I being ridiculous?

[j.griff]

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! I would explain to her that I really appreciate her interest in my ds, but that his behavior at home and towards his family members has been unacceptable so until further notice he will not be allowed to spend such time with people outside of the family. And I'd follow through- and explain to ds WHY he's not being allowed to go on these trips and visit with the nice lady- his behavior is unacceptable. I'd tomato stake the kid. Hugs.

[Karin]

Okay, you're only being partly hormonal and ridiculous, and not very much. I say this because I believe that children need consistency. Once in a while this can stop, but not on a regular basis. My family sees my kids once or twice a year, so lack of consistency with them is not a huge issue. However, if they lived close to us and saw them all the time, it would be. My theory is that he's not happy because of the inconsistency. She may be sweet and doting on him, but is this helping him grow to be the best he can be or is it hindering him? If it were my child, I'd either strictly curtail the visits or set some guidelines. The smoking thing would bother me, too.

[Frontier Mom]

I think a child, especially during their formative years, needs to spend as much time with his family as possible. Also, it sounds like they do all the fun stuff but never the discipline. When I was 5, I would have gone for this too. However, it sounds a little odd to me.

I would object to my child saying one "curse" word he learned from other adults. Also, no matter how nice they are, they can never replace your place in your child's life - HIS MOTHER. I believe my children learn best at home and I want them to develop their values and beliefs among the family. I personally would not like this at all.

However, like I said, this is only my $.02. If you feel uncomfortable about this at all, I say go with your intuition. Mom' intuition is a powerful force, don't dismiss it.

[OnTheBrink]

Mother's have instincts for a reason, and combined with his recent behavior? Rein him back in. I'd feel very uncomfortable if someone took a special interest in my child like that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know, some red flags pop up with me on this one. One is a boundary thing. Your family should be the center of a five-year-old's life. They should be asking you in private so that ds5 doesn't have to be disappointed if you say no to a trip to see the trucks.

Your ds5's behavior after spending time there is a huge red flag to me too. Part of it is that his center has moved next door (instead of staying with the family). Also being spoiled non-stop (while fun!) really isn't the best for a child. He isn't picking up the values that you want to instill in him (if I'm reading your post correctly.)

Now - maybe this is paranoid of me but I wonder a bit at their motives for "taking over" your child's life. Are they "grandmotherly/grandfatherly" types that are trying to make your child a surrogate grandchild? Or (heaven forbid) are they grooming him for molestation down the line? (Just my evil paranoid mind here but when things are out of balance like this I tend to wonder.)

[Sue G in PA]

My neighbors are only in their 40's. SHe had her children young and so they are grown and out of her house. Her husband is about the same age. She is really the one who seems to be attached to my son. They do not live in a household where the same values are being taught. I should just stop visits altogether unless she comes over here (which she does frequently to use our computer since hers died). The smoking bugs me. She says they don't ever smoke when he's there, but the smell is always there and it gets on his clothes and hair and he just reeks when he comes home. Yuck. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or my son. They are good people. Her 2 sons are not what I hope my kids will turn out to be, but they are far from juvenile delinquents. She often babysits ALL my dc (all 6) if I have to run to the dr. or take one to the dentist, etc. I totally trust her with my son (and her husband) but am just jealous. Also, another big red flag was when she once told me she tried passing my son off as hers to another family member she hadn't seen in years. How whacked is that? I just kind of looked at her and hoped she saw in my eyes the disapproval! HE"S MY SON! Okay, enough ranting. Thanks for the perspective.

[Unicorn]

[QUOTE=Now - maybe this is paranoid of me but I wonder a bit at their motives for "taking over" your child's life. Are they "grandmotherly/grandfatherly" types that are trying to make your child a surrogate grandchild? Or (heaven forbid) are they grooming him for molestation down the line? (Just my evil paranoid mind here but when things are out of balance like this I tend to wonder.)[/QUOTE]


Like the others said, trust your mommy instincts, they won't steer you wrong. I am a pretty trusting person, but my mommy instincts are screaming right now. I think you need to put a stop to whatever it is that is going on. Just my .02.

[Sue G in PA]

Please tell me HOW to stop this w/out destroying my relationship with this woman and hurting my son! How do I tell her he can't see her anymore or go over or whatever? My ds9 cuts her grass in summer, we borrow her lawn mower since ours broke, we have a good relationship that I don't want ruined! I just want my son back! I guess I could use the excuse that he does K now in the am and takes a nap in the pm right after lunch (which he does!). Maybe a schedule would work and I won't have to hurt her feelings. Any ideas?

[DKinTX]

You know, some red flags pop up with me on this one. One is a boundary thing. Your family should be the center of a five-year-old's life. They should be asking you in private so that ds5 doesn't have to be disappointed if you say no to a trip to see the trucks.

Your ds5's behavior after spending time there is a huge red flag to me too. Part of it is that his center has moved next door (instead of staying with the family). Also being spoiled non-stop (while fun!) really isn't the best for a child. He isn't picking up the values that you want to instill in him (if I'm reading your post correctly.)

Now - maybe this is paranoid of me but I wonder a bit at their motives for "taking over" your child's life. Are they "grandmotherly/grandfatherly" types that are trying to make your child a surrogate grandchild? Or (heaven forbid) are they grooming him for molestation down the line? (Just my evil paranoid mind here but when things are out of balance like this I tend to wonder.)


I feel the same way about this.

[cricket1178]

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! I would explain to her that I really appreciate her interest in my ds, but that his behavior at home and towards his family members has been unacceptable so until further notice he will not be allowed to spend such time with people outside of the family. And I'd follow through- and explain to ds WHY he's not being allowed to go on these trips and visit with the nice lady- his behavior is unacceptable. I'd tomato stake the kid. Hugs.

I don't think jealousy would be the "real" issue for me, and I'm not sure it is for you either. There seems to be some real issues here. Your ds is only 5yo. He doesn't need to spend so much time with other people, let alone people who do not share the same convictions you do about parenting. I think Jeans' advice above is sufficient to end your ds's spending so much time with them without ruining your relationship with the family. And truthfully, if isn't sufficient reason for them, well, too bad. Your ds comes first and clearly his behavior is indicating this isn't best for him, and why would it be? He is only 5!

[j.griff]

Just "ground" your son indefinitely for his behavior- and then as you grow accustomed to your new "schedule" during his "grounding" you just won't be able to bear parting with him for such visits later on.

[strider]

First of all, I agree with the other posters that the special interest is not healthy. Unless these are people that YOU know intimately as best friends, then you don't know them well enough for your son to be alone with them all the time or even most of the time.

Listen to your instincts.

As to HOW to do it--I find that fading back works much, much better than a big declaration.

Set boundaries on small things, like:

"I would prefer for you to check on our plans with me privately first instead of in front of ds."

Also, if your ds' behavior is that bad, he really, really needs YOU. Whether he's just being spoiled all the time (making him bratty) or whether something more serious is going on, the result is that he needs YOU. His social interaction with the outside world should STOP whenever he shows you he cannot treat you well. Keep him close to you (tomato staking), not in a punitive way, but because he obviously needs to be with you. He needs both to reconnect with you, but he also needs to learn from YOU how to behave appropriately.

You can fade away from the relationship simply by being busy and by having other plans. You can encourage group interaction (like babysitting all your kids) and just not let your son be available for one-on-one time.

Finally--yes, there are enthusiastic, boundary-less people in the world. These friends may be so--they may be genuinely loving and good-hearted. BUT--and please take this seriously--there is a danger of pedophilia. The special interest coupled with your son's behavior makes me concerned. To be on the safe side, I would strongly advise you to talk to your son about privacy of his body and others' bodies, and I would ask him point-blank if anyone (don't specify who) has ever touched him or asked him to touch them.

When you have this talk, make sure another witness is around (like your dh) whether right there with you or just in the next room listening. IF something did happen to your ds, you will be *so glad* someone else heard it.

If your neighbors are totally innocent (and chances are, they are) then no harm will come of this talk. In fact, a lot of good comes of it, as that subject becomes one your ds is comfortable talking to you about.

[Carpe Diem]

I can't imagine.

I'm not very good at being direct and I always worry about hurting people's feelings. Sounds like you might be the same. I bet once you say "no" one time you will feel more empowered and maybe they will get the hint.

Could you try saying something like, "I'm sorry but I want my son to stay home today so we can have some family time." Once you say it, just keep saying it more frequently. Have them over but limit his going over there unless you are invited too.

Good luck.

[gardenschooler]

I think Strider's advice is right on the money.

Also, this woman may be feeling lonely now that her kids are grown, and she is doing a great job by getting herself a new son. I would never let anyone else spend that much time with such a young child. He needs his own family to be his primary influence, because they are so very impressionable, and he needs to feel connected to his family 100%, not to some neighbor lady. The amount of time it sounds like he's spending with them is way too much, IMO.

Is this the same son you've had attitude problems with in the past? If so, I'd definitely take this as a red flag. Whatever is going on there with your son, even if it's only that he can get away with not having to be home and go by your rules, it's having an affect. You don't know what that affect will be, but it's not setting the stage for him to be/stay connected with his family.

I understand you not wanting to offend her, but in all likelihood, she won't respect any boundaries you try to set, so don't discuss them with her or your reasons. Just stick to them - school, nap, and we're busy.

She has overstepped the boundaries that any normal person respects, and she knows it. This is your child, not hers. People who do things like this are a little off, somewhere in there. It's just strange and inappropriate to have a 5 yr. old, off visiting other non-related adults all by himself, and what basically amounts to getting a new mommy. And you said yourself that their values don't line up with yours, plus who knows what he's been exposed to by her sons.

Spare yourself the headache of a confrontation - she wants him, badly, and she will probably do or say whatever she thinks will work on you. Just keep to the schedule, remind her to ask you first privately (be FIRM about that), and just say no. If you think she's not a little tched in the head (which I do!), then maybe you can all enjoy visiting outside together sometime, or invite her to go along with you to the park. I really would be very leery about letting ds go to her house, or spend time alone with her. Frankly, it sounds to me like she's obsessed with your son. Normal women don't do this.

Also - are you expecting? (sorry - hard to keep straight on here, so many babies). If so, take care of this now, because you will be vulnerable then. And try to find someone else to rely on for help with the kids.

Keep us posted, Sue. Hope I haven't been too harsh, but this worries me and I know you've had some rough spots lately.

[kalanamak]

[quote=Sue G in PA;30160]Please tell me HOW to stop this w/out destroying my relationship with this woman and hurting my son!

I would tell her that he is misbehaving at home and that grounding him is the thing that will get his attention. When he can go over and come back and behave, then you won't have nearly so much problem with it, right?
Its a compliment...like giving her up for Lent.

[Volty]

The problems are minor. The neighbors seem really nice to me. Why am I the only person who sees this? http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/wall.gif

[JWSJ]

It's always made me feel wierd when someone takes an over interest in one of my children. Some people don't know what boundaries are. I will shut them down, if necessary.

For example:

We were at a park once when we ran into a mom and son that attended our previous Montessori children's house. It had been months since we had seen them but we were never close - just friendly parents with kids at the same pre-school.

The mom compliemented me on how beautiful my children were. I said, "Thank you". Then she kept talking about just my son for at least 15 minutes - all compliments. It started to annoy me. She wasn't even seeing what her son was doing on the playground. Then she said that she had ALWAYS thought my son was one of the most beautiful children ever and that she could tell he was going to grow up so well.

I looked right at her and said, "OKAY NOW!" in a polite firm tone.

She realized what she was doing and suddenly shut up. She disappeared shortly afterward and we haven't seen her since.

Before that and since I've run into some people who just don't know when to stop. Strangers that offer to watch your kids and people that say things you shouldn't in front of children.

Honestly, how could anyone think a parent would be comfortable with these things?

[gardenschooler]

Volty - I think it may be that we are very overprotective mama bears, and we're just looking out for Sue.