Taking care of you

[Cadam]

I am so burned out with my SN kid. I don't just need an evening off or a day off. I need something more. We are going to counseling as son as we figure out where my dh will be working but until then I just have to cope. What do you do to take care of you? Today I am picking up a book at the library for moms of sn kids. I will let you know if it is any good.

*Update below* :o

[godpoetry]

Well for one thing I often go to the computer for some down time when my husband is home.:) I know how you feel. Lately I have been feeling stressed and wore down. After my ds has a day of meltdowns I will try to escape to the computer or get out of the house when my husband comes home. Reading a book is good, of course my children always seem to find me when I try to read.
Are there any groups in your area that do respite care. I know in our area several churches do it for a day and some groups do it for overnight.

[chiguirre]

Well, sn is kinda broad. What are your 2 top issues with ds right now? If you post specifics, we might have some suggestions.

In the mean time, try to get at least a half an hour of peace a day. Even if you can't leave the house, try to hide from everybody for a bit.

[Pajama Mama]

I read that somewhere(I'm paraphrasing) and it's so true. When mom is sick or depressed or ____ then it affects everybody. Before Christmas, I was falling apart. I finally found that I had a very low thyroid level on Christmas Eve. If I had gone to the doctor earlier I would have saved my whole family alot of stress. I was bone achingly tired, depressed and a whole lot of other things. This resulted in a mean spirited mom. I was so hard on everyone-my aspie my other kids and dh. My aspie was melting down all of the time and dh was becoming depressed. I called the doc and couldn't get an appointment because it was close to Christmas. I told him; it's my blood sugar, or thyroid or I'm completely crazy. I was serious. When he called me with my test results I was so happy. I truly expected him to say that I was "fine".

So, I've been taking my thyroid meds for about 3 weeks and I feel alot better. I bought new clothes for me which I hadn't done for almost 5 years. I bought Bare Minerals makeup and I'm actually wearing it. I hadn't worn makeup daily since I held my last job--over 7 yrs ago. I donated my hair to Locks of Love and I'm sporting a shorter do which is easier to maintain. I have started adding *fun* back into our schooldays(picnics on the living room floor, messy art projects, science experiments) I'm still tired because my levels aren't right yet but it is such an improvement. I feel like singing that Patti LaBelle song "I Got a New Attitude..."

I don't mention my medical issue because I think you're sick. I mention it because it shows that neglecting yourself doesn't help anyone. If you have a medical problem--it gets worse. If you are stressed beyond belief--it gets worse. You didn't mention alot of details so I can't offer specfic suggestions. You might need a specialist for your ds's issues(you didn't mention what his issues are)

Here are some suggestions for you:
*Take a hot bath-pick a yummy scented bubble bath
*Read a good book(not hs related--this is vital)
*Pray, meditate or exercise daily--alone
*Make sure you make a date with dh occasionally--if you can't get out then have dh pick up food from the Olive Garden(or another) and bring the food home--Children must be in bed
*Spoil yourself a little--new makeup, perfume or ______

I have 2 kids with issues. Ds10 has Asperger's/ADHD. Ds8 is a special needs child who is severely disabled mentally/physically. If you mention what you ds's issues are we might have more suggestions.

[Mama Bear]

That you MUST put your own oxygen mask on first. A friend who has lived the personal issues I have going on told me that if I can go exercise practically 'til I drop I will feel better. Even if I'm already so cranky and tired that I can't feel happy about it. Even if it seems like it's just another way for me to lose sleep. I know he's right, but the whole single parenting thing is feeling very limiting right now. My pep talk for myself is to do it anyway. I'm tired. Do it anyway. But I could be reading/cooking/cleaning/lesson planning/doing more or better school with the kids. Do it anyway. I can't figure out how to get away from the kids long enough to fold laundry, much less hit my mom's treadmill. Do it anyway.

At this point I'm counting my high speed housecleaning and running up and down the stairs with laundry baskets as exercise -- anything that gets my heart rate up. And it's helping. Those endorphins kick in, stuff gets accomplished, and certain parts of life don't seem so impossible.

Even if exercise isn't your thing, kick something up a notch. Even if it means certain other things slide. Whisper gratitude/encouragement into your hubby's ear at bedtime. Somehow, propping others up always gives me a boost. Keep a gratitude journal. And not in a Little Susie Sunshine kind of way, either. Think of this as guerilla tactics. We mamas must be stealthy, strong, courageous, unflagging. I bet, too, that if you look back on things, you'll discover that you are all of those things, that those qualities have come out abundantly before and that now you sort of need a handy reset button so you can get on with things again.

This would be a perfect time for a pedicure. Sexy feet (as cheap as they are) can do a mama a world of good. Even in the middle of winter in the NW, you can wander around the house barefoot, smiling as you spot your pretty toes. Go somewhere with a massaging chair, pick a lovely color (French is nice too) and close your eyes until they tell you you're done.

Hugs to you. And anybody with variations on "oxygen masks" please post. I'm always looking for new (cheap/free) ideas. Lord knows I need 'em.

[JamBerry]

Sometimes I think simply backing off on yourself can be helpful. On days/weeks where I can't do it all, I don't worry about it not all being done. That goes not only for housekeeping and chores, but also for school and therapies. So my plan may have been to be done with such and such a book or project or whatever by such and such a date. If it doesn't happen, and gets delayed a week or two, really, what's the big deal? If everyone is generally clean and generally fed and generally making progress, then I quit beating myself up that we're not doing MORE and FASTER. It doesn't sound like much, but when I gave myself permission to NOT have to do it ALL, it made it a lot easier and more enjoyable to do what I WAS doing. And everyone's still generally clean, and no one's malnourished, and we still have friends, and the whole family is happier, and the kids (both the NT and the one with ASD) are making progress, and perhaps even BETTER progress, because the stress levels of EVERYONE are down.
So, we're all about slowing down, experiencing the experience, and less is more. Not just for ME, but for everyone. And while we do still have our bad days, they aren't the norm.

Things that will set us up for bad days, btw, are either of the boys eating anything they 'react' to (artificial stuff for both, apples for one, oats for the other). When those things happen, I just do the bare minimum with them, because I KNOW they can't think straight and there's no point in me getting upset with them about it. So, there's something to be said for that too--just get through the day and start from there tomorrow. No need to make up for the lost day.
Pam
<><
(formerly Pam in N.FL.)

[prairiegirl]

I totally relate. Before Christmas, I thought I was losing my mind. I just wanted to crawl under the bed and stay there until the youngest was in college. I decided over the holidays that there needed to be some changes in my life if I was going to survive my situation.

Two weeks ago the big change happened. I cut my hair. I have a totally new 'do.' I received some gift cards for Christmas so I used these to buy new clothes and oodles of books (this always cheers me up.) I started getting up at 5:30 a.m. I know this sounds extreme but this has been the change that has helped me the most. I get about two hours of total alone time. I use this time for the computer, to meditate/pray and exercise. I feel so invigorated and calm when the kids wake up. I feel much stronger when I have this time first thing in the morning.

I have also changed my eating habits. In order to cope with my children's 'issues,' I started to self--medicate myself with sugar and carbs. This was all that I was eating. So I changed things around. I went cold turkey on the sugar. I eased back on the carbs but I think I need to do more cutting back. I feel so much better without the sugar drug.

I am not suggesting that you do these things, but maybe look at your lifestyle and schedule and see if there are some little things that you can do to give yourself a boost. It really helps.

Julia
mom of 3 (8,7,5)

[Jennefer@SSA]

I get out of the house lots and dh is very supportive in this. I go to the grocery store alone on Saturdays and he watches the kids. I run usually 4 days a week - 3 times for around 40 min and one long run for around an hour and a half or more. On Thursday nights dh and I take turns having a night out all alone and the other stays home for a fun movie night with the kids. Right now finances don't allow us to go out on dates so this is a great alternative to give each of us a little breather. Also, dh and I try to do a cheap date night a few times a month at home after the kids go to bed. We'll rent a $1 movie from the grocery store or McDonald's RedBox, pick up an appetizer and/or dessert to share from Chili's and we're good to go - a fun date for under $10! Can't beat that.

I do agree that it's important to take care of you and I am trying to do better at this in '08. Raising kids is *hard* and raising sn kids just adds to the mayhem! I adore my ds6 but this time away really energizes me to come back and be fresh and ready to be the best mommy I can be for him.

Good luck finding what works for you and please update us on how you are doing!

Blessings,
Jennefer

[Old Dominion Heather]

Not that I have had anything horrifically stressful, but last summer was not fun from a stress point of view. Ds was playing football at the time and I would go with him to practice and run around the track while he had practice. I would run until I couldn't and then walk until I was literally ready to drop. One night I went about five miles, which is no little feat for someone not used to exercise.

I did feel better, though. It was a nice, constructive way of working off my anger and frustration. No harm done to anyone I might have felt like harming, kwim?:rolleyes:

[Tammyla]

I don't have the answer, but send a hug your way.

[Cadam]

So this morning dh basically demanded that I figure out who I am, what my goals are and take care of myself. He wants me to write down goals and how to accomplish them. He is totally trying to be supportive but in some ways I just feel like more has been piled on my shoulders. In a practical sense he just doesn't have the time to regularly give me a break, although he does do what he can.

He says I might need to scale back but you know what? I don't do much. I homeschool, do dd's therapy when I can get her to cooperate, take her to therapy once a week and Awana once a week, keep up the house and chase a toddler. I am totally serious when I tell you I can't do less around the house. I actually really need to do more. Clutter is taking over and there are still boxes to unpack and I haven't cleaned the master bathroom in 2 weeks!

Dh told me I need to do more than just survive, but I don't know if I can do more than just survive. I know he hates to see me so tired and snappy. He says I am depressed because I have a life-imbalance, not a chemical-imbalance.

I don't know what the answer is and I don't know how to figure out who I am and what my goals as a person are. ok, so if I am actually lost in the needs of my family how do I figure out what my goals are? I don't want to write a book or have a career or anything big. My dh and kids are my top priority, so I don't know how to come up with goals that are not family related.

dh wants me to accomplish something I can be proud of and have something to show for my work.

I am afraid that is what HE would need, but maybe I am just not built that way?

So help me out ladies, what are my "goals"? I know I need to be able to see my best friend once a month, I would love to scrapbook but this house has no place to do that. I would love to sing but the opportunity to do something more than once a month only comes up during the Christmas holidays so that is done until next fall. I would love to get my hair cut, have a pedi and read a novel but I don't think that is what he means. :o

So can you help me get a life? Maybe I can order one from Amazon :cool:

[Mama Bear]

Can you do something that just turns everything on its ear for a little while? Maybe take everyone out for field trips (OMSI?) instead of school for a couple of days a week? Maybe your 2yo would like to hang with my SN 2yo? ;o) Something about shaking up the routine once in awhile helps me stay invigorated about being on top of stuff. A big change of scene often provides me just what I need to see my surroundings with different eyes, kwim?

Hugs to you, Christina.

[Jennefer@SSA]

I have been thinking about you since I first read your post. Last spring I was waaaaaay in a funk and some of what you wrote reminded me of how I was feeling back then. Have you come up with any goals? Make any decisions?

Thinking of you and wishing great things!

[Kathy in MD]

but they're still your goals.

"I know I need to be able to see my best friend once a month, I would love to scrapbook but this house has no place to do that. I would love to sing but the opportunity to do something more than once a month only comes up during the Christmas holidays so that is done until next fall. I would love to get my hair cut, have a pedi and read a novel but I don't think that is what he means. "

1) Seeing your best friend - Once a month doesn't seem outragious, may be even twice a month. Is there any problem with your meeting that goal now? Do you just need to schedule it to the 1st Monday of the month, or some such thing.

2) Scrap booking - Believe it or not, I bet you can fit this into your house. There are small, portable carts to contain your supplies, and roll to where ever you can find space. Creative Memories have organizational boxes that will hold pages that have been laid out, but not glued down, so you don't need huge blocks of time. That also means you don't need a dedicated table. Another idea is to use an oversized lap board to do scrapbooking on the sofa or while waiting during therapy. There are also "small" shoulder bags for carrying your work with you. And if you need a "big" goal, you're Recording Family History for your descendents. (said in a deep, important voice)

3) Singing - can you join the church choir? I notice that your dd attends AWANA. If not, is there a local Sweet Adelines group? I think they generally sing year round. Your goal here is Giving Pleasure to Others While Having Fun.

4) Getting a hair cut, a pedicure and reading a novel is definately part of getting a life balance. List them under the goal of Pampering Myself Once a Week (notice how I've combinned an overarching goal with a time goal :D )


You also posted:

"He says I might need to scale back but you know what? I don't do much. I homeschool, do dd's therapy when I can get her to cooperate, take her to therapy once a week and Awana once a week, keep up the house and chase a toddler. I am totally serious when I tell you I can't do less around the house. I actually really need to do more. Clutter is taking over and there are still boxes to unpack and I haven't cleaned the master bathroom in 2 weeks!"

This one's easy :D Can you hire someone to come in every two weeks or so to clean? If you feel you have too much junk, do what I've done in the past. Throw all the junk into one or two rooms and have the cleaner clean the other rooms. Those rooms may be a disaster, but you have other, pleasant rooms to occupy and give you refuge as you weed your way through unpacking, organizing and eliminating other things.

Now that I've solved all of your problems, would you come to my house and do the same for me? :p

[Cadam]

Well of course Kathy, if we keep this up we could solve world hunger by the end of the week!;)

You are right that those are goals and it's not to much to ask to achieve them. When I think about far reaching life goals they are things like educating my children well, being a good wife, following God's direction in my life.

I'm not one of those people who has a novel in me waiting to come out or a suppressed inner chef. I have always wanted to have a family and care for them well. It seems thought, that the picture in my head did not quite materialize. Surprise! I am not a good house keeper, I am not infinitely patient and I don't like to read aloud hour after hour after hour. So I got what I always wanted, just to find out I'm not very good at it.:(

Sure, someday I would love to go back o school but that is multiple decades away and I really am ok with that. I figure by the time I am 50 I might know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't really have these long range goals my dh is asking for. I plan to do the same thing I am doing for the next 16 - 20 years. However, I do have to take care of myself if I am going to do that.

Just to answer some of your questions. I am on the church worship team but I am bummed because I have been pushed back to once a month. I don't really know why but the same people sing week after week but since I am one of 4 women on the team I can't really complain. The director of the small group I sang with this Christmas is playing with the idea of doing something this summer so I should encourage her to do that.

I am my family genealogist so I do see my scrap booking as preserving memories. I need to keep that in mind and make it a priority. Thank you for the reminder.

My best friend just had a baby so she can't come see me. She is now a 45 min. drive instead of a 15 min. drive but if I go up there to see her she would keep my kids so I could go see my psychologist... getting 2 things done at once makes the gas and time more worth it so I think I will do that.

Thank you for your encouragement. I don't know why it is so hard for me to take care of my self and justify spending resources on myself. i wish it were easier.