Help! dfd20mo is getting very bad at hitting.

[Tap, tap, tap]

I really need some strategies to deal with dfd 20mo who hits. She is very, very strong and her hitting really hurts. She especially likes to hit when we are in the car and dd9 is sitting next to her. Dd9 was in tears yesterday as we drove to the store. We couldn't move dd as all the seats were taken up. In hind sight I should have moved ds13 into the spot to see if he could deal with her better. We pulled over 4 times while I tried to deal with her.

We have tried firmly telling her no and reiterating 'soft hands'.

We have tried time outs.

Our last most desperate attempt is that we have tried slapping her hands.

We are at a loss at what to try next.

Any suggestions?

[Kathleen in VA]

I feel stupid. What is dfd?

[ereks mom]

I feel stupid. What is dfd?

Is that it?

[ereks mom]

We are at a loss at what to try next. Any suggestions?

Maybe try holding her hands, gently ("cuddly", actually) at first, then more firmly if she struggles and tries to hit? Maybe holding her hands would give her the attention she's apparently seeking, but would also allow you (or your dc, whoever is hand-holding with her) to fend off attacks by clamping down a bit when she gets unruly.

[Julie Smith]

When I read your title, "Help! dfd20mo is getting very bad at hitting.". I was thinking, so she use to be really good at hitting people, causing pain... and know she isn't so good, in fact very bad, perhaps she misses when trying to hit people. - and you need Help?:confused:

[MicheleB]

Maybe try holding her hands, gently ("cuddly", actually) at first, then more firmly if she struggles and tries to hit? Maybe holding her hands would give her the attention she's apparently seeking, but would also allow you (or your dc, whoever is hand-holding with her) to fend off attacks by clamping down a bit when she gets unruly.
I was thinking the same thing. When you see she's going to "attack", just gently grab her hands and say, "No hitting" or if you don't like to use a negative command say, "Be kind, etc".

[Pamela H in Texas]

Hitting fulfills a need. In her case, it's likely sensory, but also could be communication.

I like to "attack" things with a multi-prong approach so it won't matter much anyway (though hitting a child for hitting is kinda confusing to a kiddo).

First, the best thing to do is to not let her have the experience PERIOD. Easier said than done. But that means people step back or to the side, hold her hand to talk to her, etc. Whatever it takes, you can't let her have the experience of hitting. Each time she gets whichever need met that way, it'll take 10-20 times of a better way to fix that one time. One step back is really 20 steps back!

Second, give her physical things she CAN do. "Gentle hands" will eventually work. Petting gives some sensory input. It's also loving. She may do well to shove her hands in her pockets. She could rub her knuckles together. She could rub her hands/feet vigorously on the floor.

Along those lines, make sure she's getting PLENTY of sensory input in terms of playdough, finger paints, sand box, swinging, spinning, cross patterning, catching balls, bathing, etc. The more she gets appropriately, the less she'll look for inappropriately.

Third, communication is HARd at this age. Help her learn some key phrases such as "I'm sad at you!" or "I want that!" or the like. Signing, especially please and thank you may help considerably also. I quit wanting to strangle my son once we had a few signs down. Within the next year, you'll teach her problem solving, thinking, etc skills also which will help her choose words over hands/feet.

I hope some of this helps.

[Rosie_0801]

Signing, especially please and thank you may help considerably also.

Don't use your voice with any sign, unless you know she can say it as well. If you consistantly speak-sign, she may tie them together in her mind, and be unable to sign anything she can't say too. They are different languages and ought to be kept seperate for optimal learning. I was, very naughtily coz I knew better, speak-signing with my daughter until I realised we were having this problem. Once I stopped, her signing took off in leaps and bounds. Life with a tot is soooo much easier when they have a vocab! I found this:http://www.aslpro.com/cgi-bin/aslpro/aslpro.cgi Being Australian I'm not up on ASL websites, but I think this should suffice. I'd also get a few toys for her to play with in the car, just to keep her hands busy.
:)
Rosie

[chiguirre]

You might try gloves as a consequence, if they are aversive. Of course, if she likes them maybe she could wear them in the car to remind her not to hit and lose them if she does.

Good luck!

[Tap, tap, tap]

So, I've been thinking about everyone's comments all week. There is some good advice and gave me some food for thought. Here is what I have come up with.

I think she hits when she wants to be left alone or wants someone to give up their space to her (ie she wants their spot on the couch) or wants what they have.

I am pretty sure that is why it is worse in the car. When she hits, the person moves away from her. In essence, she is getting what she wants. This will be a hard one to avoid rewarding her.

I will have to make sure that if she hits someone that they don't get hurt and then drop what ever they had, therefore giving her the item. I may have make the item disappear for a few days when she hits to get something. She has a great memory for someone her age and can remember where a toy was put from a few days prior. If I put a toy out of her reach on Monday and she sees where it goes, she will go the hiding spot the next day and ask for it. So, for her even if the toy reappears later the same day, she could still be seeing it as getting what she wanted.

We have used 'soft hands' a lot in the past with her and she understands. Unfortunately she will come flying across the room like she is going to give someone a hug, and then starts hitting them instead! After she hits, she will pat/rub softly.

I will work with her this week on asking for something, and try to figure out a solution for her wanting someone's 'space'. We do some basic baby signs so maybe I will see if can figure out some signs for her to try. She does great with the signs she does use so I think this is a reasonable thought.


Thanks again for everyone's input, ya'll are wonderful,
Tap

[Natalieclare]

One thing that helped our little guy was fawning over the victim of his slappy hands. If he hit the 4yo while sitting at the table, for example, the rest of us pointedly turned our back on him while exclaiming in an exagerated manner over Ava. He quickly caught on and came over to be part of the restoration process. For some reason, this was THE key for him. And it hasn't even caused our 4yo to develop an overly strong sensitivity to his wrongdoings! She seemed to recognize we were all helping Milo to learn that hitting wouldn't be rewarding for him.

[Tap, tap, tap]

One thing that helped our little guy was fawning over the victim of his slappy hands. If he hit the 4yo while sitting at the table, for example, the rest of us pointedly turned our back on him while exclaiming in an exagerated manner over Ava. He quickly caught on and came over to be part of the restoration process. For some reason, this was THE key for him. And it hasn't even caused our 4yo to develop an overly strong sensitivity to his wrongdoings! She seemed to recognize we were all helping Milo to learn that hitting wouldn't be rewarding for him.

Excellent thought, I will have to try this.

Tap

[Robin Hood]

Are the hits meant to be revengeful or do they occur with a smilely face? Does she want something or is she expressing love? Some little ones take longer to learn how not to be so impulsive. I have no help to offer in the way of changing her habits, but in our case, it took a long time for me to figure out my oldest is more impulsive and doesn't know her own strength and they they always expressions of love. And to think how often I punished her for that makes me feel bad; but I always looked at it as hitting and not what she was trying to say. To this day she has a hard time expressing herself and gives love pats that hurt, no matter what we say or do, but she is getting better. I have had a few adults tell me that she hit them and it hurt, but they have always been adults she cared deeply for. I still have to talk to her repetetively to keep her hands to herself and use words to express your feelings.

My younger one hit for revenge and she is now very self controlled. She keeps her hands to herself but I can see her little brain ticking away at the work of self control. She is so cute at it.

Anyway, can you figure out her motive by her actions? That might tell you a lot. Both of my girls are adopted, so their little personalities were not from us and it took me a while to figure out why they did what they did. And in both cases, knowing the younger's background pretty well, and the older's somewhat, heredity plays a big factor. I have learned not to punish for traits they may have inherited, but to teach them how to handle their temperaments.

[Tap, tap, tap]

Are the hits meant to be revengeful or do they occur with a smilely face? Does she want something or is she expressing love? Some little ones take longer to learn how not to be so impulsive. I have no help to offer in the way of changing her habits, but in our case, it took a long time for me to figure out my oldest is more impulsive and doesn't know her own strength and they they always expressions of love. And to think how often I punished her for that makes me feel bad; but I always looked at it as hitting and not what she was trying to say. To this day she has a hard time expressing herself and gives love pats that hurt, no matter what we say or do, but she is getting better. I have had a few adults tell me that she hit them and it hurt, but they have always been adults she cared deeply for. I still have to talk to her repetitively to keep her hands to herself and use words to express your feelings.

My younger one hit for revenge and she is now very self controlled. She keeps her hands to herself but I can see her little brain ticking away at the work of self control. She is so cute at it.

Anyway, can you figure out her motive by her actions? That might tell you a lot. Both of my girls are adopted, so their little personalities were not from us and it took me a while to figure out why they did what they did. And in both cases, knowing the younger's background pretty well, and the older's somewhat, heredity plays a big factor. I have learned not to punish for traits they may have inherited, but to teach them how to handle their temperaments.


There are times when she is loving someone with 'love pats' but they are softer and have a different emotion. She will lean in close to look us in the eye and pat our back. She will give a hug and then pat us or some other physical showing of emotion. The hitting that I am concerned about definitely is her wanting to get her way. It is interesting that you commented on the difference with adopted children vs bio-children. I have seen a few personality traits that are distinctly her bio-mothers. (The baby is my great-niece, the baby's mother is my niece.) There are some expressions that I can read right away, because her mother has the same expression when she gets upset.


Thanks for you thoughts, I really appreciate it,
Tap

[Robin Hood]

There are times when she is loving someone with 'love pats' but they are softer and have a different emotion. She will lean in close to look us in the eye and pat our back. She will give a hug and then pat us or some other physical showing of emotion. The hitting that I am concerned about definitely is her wanting to get her way. It is interesting that you commented on the difference with adopted children vs bio-children. I have seen a few personality traits that are distinctly her bio-mothers. (The baby is my great-niece, the baby's mother is my niece.) There are some expressions that I can read right away, because her mother has the same expression when she gets upset.


Thanks for you thoughts, I really appreciate it,
Tap

I remembered that she was related to you and you are in the process of adoption, aren't you? Your family is not quite where you want them to be yet in accepting her as yours, right?

My uncle was a generous, loving, and happy man. He laughed a lot. I don't know what went wrong with his son, Bianca's bf, but I see my uncle in everything she does, right down to her laughter and her gummy little smile to her concern for others. Uncle died in his 70's and the church and the overflow room could not contain all who came to pay their respects. Bianca will turn out much the same.

Kate's bp picked us out to be her parents. They even handed her to us in the hospital. I don't know them as well, but I see the traits I learned in them now in her. They were late bloomers, as will be Kate, I am sure. They were both very impulsive, ill tempered and even known to be fighters, as is Kate. Kate's is always for a good cause though, even though I teach her it's wrong to fight. She fights to protect others, not for her own benefit. She has high ideals and I fear for her because I can see how her aunts and uncles, who live 40 miles away, continually goof up. She is a lot of work, but as loving as her bfamily is, I do believe she was rescued and is no longer doomed to repeat the pattern.

It used to bug me when I could see Kate and Bianca's bp in them because I wanted so much for them to be 100% ours. Now I cherish all the information I can get. Genetics is huge, and I now believe that environment teaches them how to use what they have been given.

I was so tired today that I drank another cup of coffee, so I am talkative. Sorry. I enjoy reading your posts, they "hit" close to home.

[Tammyla]

We said in a loud voice "ouch" then gently took ahold of the offending hand and said, easy touch while demonstrating.

[Pamela H in Texas]

BTW, in the car, I would stop the car each and every single time. She needs to be told that that is not acceptable AND be required to apologize (sign if necessary).

Is she still in a regular child carseat (hoping the answer is yes). Is it front facing (not sure what I'm hoping. LOL). If she's in a reg carseat and front facing, it seems that the sides of the carseat would prevent a good deal of hitting. Hmmm

[Tammy in Germany]

We went through this with our son...we would stop whatever we were doing and take his hands and say...hands are for hugging, not hitting. Then attend to the victim by hugging them. It took a week to stop this..but he got the message.