How can I teach my 3 sons MANNERS at the table???

[Jules in MI]

Dh and I have 3 sons, 8, 6 and 4yo. Needless to say, mealtime is crazy at our house. No matter what we remind them to do (don't talk w/ your mouth full, don't throw your napkin at your brother, don't interrupt others, no potty talk about bodily functions, ask to be excused when you're finished, etc), we are not seeing any improvement in their manners.

What mealtime rules are enforced at your house and HOW do you enforce them??!! Any ideas welcome. We've thought about being militant and telling them if they do not behave and show some respect for others at the table, they will lose their meal and NOT eat until the next...haven't done it though.

Thanks, we just had a NUTTY lunch and I've had it!!

[Tracey in TX]

Dh and I have 3 sons, 8, 6 and 4yo. Needless to say, mealtime is crazy at our house. No matter what we remind them to do (don't talk w/ your mouth full, don't throw your napkin at your brother, don't interrupt others, no potty talk about bodily functions, ask to be excused when you're finished, etc), we are not seeing any improvement in their manners.

What mealtime rules are enforced at your house and HOW do you enforce them??!! Any ideas welcome. We've thought about being militant and telling them if they do not behave and show some respect for others at the table, they will lose their meal and NOT eat until the next...haven't done it though.

Thanks, we just had a NUTTY lunch and I've had it!!

I used to feel like dinner time was Romper Room--the more chaos, the happier kids were, and angrier I would be. Big change took place when we began to practice 'fancy' behavior for special event. We were taking DCs to a very fancy restaurant to celebrate. They've always gone to family and 'regular' restaurants and are fairly well behaved. To go to a famous and respectable restaurant was highly desired and wanted to dress and act the part. WOW, it worked. We had three consecutive years that we dined there and the children were proud to act like young adults.
I remind them of this opportunity. If they don't behave appropriately at the dinner table on a consistent basis, we will be forced to "dress" for dinner: suits, dresses, shoes, etc. That stops nonsense b/c none of my little monkeys want to waste time wearing Sunday best for pb&j's :lol:

For a little perspective, video tape their behavior. It's not really funny now, but in the years to come it'll be a priceless memory to relive!

[74Heaven]

this is a book for teens written by Alex J Packard

we have it from the library and the teens are reading it. No word yet on the results ;).

[5wolfcubs]

Growing up my dad gave each of us 10 dimes in a little cups. Each time he observed a less then mannerly behavior we had to give him a dime. Anything left in the cup we got to keep at the end of the week.

Here is our family list:

1. I cheerfully eat what is on my plate.
2. I sit properly in my chair.
3. I keep my elbows off the table.
4. I chew with my mouth closed.
5. I do not talk with food in my mouth.
6. I ask to be excused & clear my place.

Now, dh doesn't eat with us very much these days and I often read aloud...making everyone have lousy manners & dh grumpy when he does eat with us.

We've done 10 chocolate chips/chocolate covered raisins -- you get to eat what you haven't lost at the end of the meal. I think I need to do it again!

How about coming up with your own list of positive Mealtime Manners (could include specifics you're dealing with) and implementing 1 each week. Or implement all, but focus on 1 at a time. If you did the chocolate chip thing, on week 1 they'd only lose chips if they broke rule 1. Week 2 they'd lose chips for rules 1 & 2. Having a set goal -- "we're going to do this for X number of weeks with these rewards/consequences and then evaluate" is helpful for seeing progress. :)

[Joanne]

Dh and I have 3 sons, 8, 6 and 4yo. Needless to say, mealtime is crazy at our house. No matter what we remind them to do (don't talk w/ your mouth full, don't throw your napkin at your brother, don't interrupt others, no potty talk about bodily functions, ask to be excused when you're finished, etc), we are not seeing any improvement in their manners.

What mealtime rules are enforced at your house and HOW do you enforce them??!! Any ideas welcome. We've thought about being militant and telling them if they do not behave and show some respect for others at the table, they will lose their meal and NOT eat until the next...haven't done it though.

In my house, I expect "more" and "more mature" behavior as kids approach school age. As such, I'd expect all your kids to be able to self control for reasonable rules at meals.

Before consequences, I'd make a careful evaluation of what reasonable rules are. Silliness "gets to me" sometimes, but it would be unfair of me to banish it at home meals. Potty talk, however, I feel is appropriate to eliminate.

I'd decide on the rules. Have a family meeting to present them. Make it informal, and give examples of "not ok" and "ok". Tell them the family meeting was their one and only warning. A choice to break the rule at a meal is a choice to be finished with that meal/food until the next scheduled food opportunity.

Follow through.

[Ellie]

It isn't even necessarily about "showing respect" to others at the table, although I suppose that's what good manners are, but I think young dc just don't understand that, yet.

How would you correct "potty mouth" some place else? (You do correct that, don't you???) You correct the same way at the table. Meals should be enjoyable, but things don't have to be silly to be enjoyable. Maybe you and dh can direct conversation or something to ward off the sillies. Model and teach (at every meal, all the time) things like putting napkins in laps as soon as they sit down, waiting to begin eating (whatever your family does; we begin meals by praying, but if your family doesn't pray, then they should all wait for you to start), using proper utensils, etc. And gently correct all.the.time.

Your dc are young, and I would expect them not to have table manners down perfectly yet. Miss Manners says it takes 18 years of constant nagging to rear well-mannered adults :-)

[happyWImom]

I only have a boy and a girl, but I don't have an answer. They get soooo loud and goofy. I know you are supposed to eat as a family, but I prefer to eat dinner after they have gone to bed! I'm checking out all of the answers from everyone else.

[Jennifer in MI]

I used to feel like dinner time was Romper Room--the more chaos, the happier kids were, and angrier I would be. Big change took place when we began to practice 'fancy' behavior for special event. We were taking DCs to a very fancy restaurant to celebrate. They've always gone to family and 'regular' restaurants and are fairly well behaved. To go to a famous and respectable restaurant was highly desired and wanted to dress and act the part. WOW, it worked. We had three consecutive years that we dined there and the children were proud to act like young adults.
I remind them of this opportunity. If they don't behave appropriately at the dinner table on a consistent basis, we will be forced to "dress" for dinner: suits, dresses, shoes, etc. That stops nonsense b/c none of my little monkeys want to waste time wearing Sunday best for pb&j's :lol:

For a little perspective, video tape their behavior. It's not really funny now, but in the years to come it'll be a priceless memory to relive!

I gotta' agree! I was nervous about five years ago when we went to stay at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. This hotel has a five course formal dinner at night with live music for dancing. It was VERY formal, 2 hours long (at least) and I was a bit nervous as my kids were 3, 5, and 7 when we went (all boys). You know what? All the things we taught them suddenly clicked and they behaved! I really think there's something about dressing them up and taking them out. They lived up to the way they looked! And, they enjoyed themselves.

We now make it a point to go out to a fancy restaurant at least a few times a year so we can practice our good manners. I also host a few formal dinners during the year and my kids are always in attendance.

Rules I enforce at regular mealtime at our house:

No elbows on the table
No potty talk (that is done at many other times though!)
No talking with your mouth full
Napkin on your lap
No eating with your fingers (with exceptions for the baby, of course!)

I think that's it. We're still civilized here during regular dinners, but we don't practice eating with the right fork each meal.

Good luck!!

Adding - if these rules aren't followed (with one warning each meal), we have various consequences. If you choose to burp out loud, you go to the bathroom. That is bathroom behavior - take it there. If you lean back in your chair, you lose it and eat standing up. You get the idea. It works for us. Oh - and I'm not saying that things don't get goofy and silly at mealtimes. I just insist on good manners while eating! There's plenty of time for the potty type stuff (burping contests and the like) at other times. NOT while I'm around, thank you very much!!

[ereks mom]

How would you correct "potty mouth" some place else? (You do correct that, don't you???) You correct the same way at the table. Meals should be enjoyable, but things don't have to be silly to be enjoyable. Maybe you and dh can direct conversation or something to ward off the sillies. Model and teach (at every meal, all the time) things like putting napkins in laps as soon as they sit down, waiting to begin eating (whatever your family does; we begin meals by praying, but if your family doesn't pray, then they should all wait for you to start), using proper utensils, etc. And gently correct all.the.time.


:iagree:

[mittmaman]

We have the child that is missbehaving leave the table and finish the meal elsewhere...
No prior warning, no discussion.
We are quite strict with table manners, but eating in a decent way is just a question of respect for those you are sharing your meal with, so no kidding around with this:001_huh:.
This attitude has certainly paid off, as all three kids are particularly well behaved at the table...and a pleasure to eat with, so family meals are enjoyable moments for all of us.

[bkpan]

Growing up my dad gave each of us 10 dimes in a little cups. Each time he observed a less then mannerly behavior we had to give him a dime. Anything left in the cup we got to keep at the end of the week.

Here is our family list:

1. I cheerfully eat what is on my plate.
2. I sit properly in my chair.
3. I keep my elbows off the table.
4. I chew with my mouth closed.
5. I do not talk with food in my mouth.
6. I ask to be excused & clear my place.

Now, dh doesn't eat with us very much these days and I often read aloud...making everyone have lousy manners & dh grumpy when he does eat with us.

We've done 10 chocolate chips/chocolate covered raisins -- you get to eat what you haven't lost at the end of the meal. I think I need to do it again!

How about coming up with your own list of positive Mealtime Manners (could include specifics you're dealing with) and implementing 1 each week. Or implement all, but focus on 1 at a time. If you did the chocolate chip thing, on week 1 they'd only lose chips if they broke rule 1. Week 2 they'd lose chips for rules 1 & 2. Having a set goal -- "we're going to do this for X number of weeks with these rewards/consequences and then evaluate" is helpful for seeing progress. :)

What great ideas! We are definitely going to try this at our home (5 boys and a little girl who thinks she's a boy!):tongue_smilie:

Kim

[Julie in CA]

You could do what my mil did--wait until her sons (7 of them) became teenagers and discovered girls! She says that after that, even the least mannerly of them all because angels at the table. :D:lol::D

Okay, okay...I realize that wasn't very helpful, but still.....:D