I'm having an issue with my MIL. What would you do? (long!)

[Lisa at Home]

And let me first say, that generally MIL and I have a good relationship, with few "issues" in the past 18 years, and that on the whole, compared with what some of you have been through, this may seem trivial.

Our issue is our swap pet care agreement for when someone is out of town.

Since the initial agreement, some things have changed. We no longer live as close to one another as we did before we bought this house last October, and I have a cat, who at 17 1/2 years of age, needs a little more care than she once did, and MIL is not the kind of person who will rise to that occassion.

MIL has never liked animals, which I've always been fully aware of. The animals in her home are her daughter's and her dh's. Somehow, even though FIL drives past our road every day, and even though the dog they have is his, MIL is the one who takes care of our pets when we're gone. I don't know why he can't be involved, but it is what it is.

The last two times we've been out of town MIL has ruined the trips over pet care. Particularly with the second trip, I have realized I just need to find someone else to care for our pets while we are gone. That part is settled.

Part of the issue with trip #2, was that even though we approved with her ahead of time to make sure she was available to check on the animals, at the last minute she cancelled on me and went to the beach. We missed a wedding that we had planned on going to for over a year, because I couldn't find someone else to watch the animals at such short notice (she told us the day before!!!). Then since we couldn't go, she had the nerve to ask us to watch her animals since we were going to be home anyway.

I've been so upset at how casually she could do this to me and feel no remorse whatsoever! Yes, generally she is this type of selfish person, but until now it hasn't caused this complicated of an issue. We need to go get dd from camp in Tennessee the weekend after next, and dh and I just decided it would be better for me to stay home with the animals, and not visit with the people whose wedding we missed, because we don't yet have an acceptable pet option.

It turns out that MIL is going to the beach (again) that same weekend. She just asked us to watch her animals, and notified us that all the arrangements are already made for her to go. She never bothered to ask us ahead of time if we would be available!:confused: I'm feeling really abused at this point.

Here is the big question. I already understand that I need to find someone else to care for my animals, but should I still care for hers? On the one hand, I feel like in dealing with family that sometimes you do things not needing anything in return. I could just do it because I'm a good person.

But on the other hand, with us living farther away now, maybe I should just tell her that things have changed and we each just need to get someone else. She takes several of what I consider long vations, 10-14 days long a year. I think 7 or 8? The drive is half an hour each way.

My problem is that I'm hurt and angry, and don't really want to help her, and that's the simple truth. I don't want to do tit-for-tat, but I really would like for us to go our separate ways on this one.

Would you try to buck it up, or would you try to get out of it. I'm going to have to deal with this this weekend.

Lord bless you if you made it this far!!!

~Lisa

[Lisa at Home]

sorry!

[jonesloonybin]

I would just kindly mention that with the change in locations and the cost of gas, that it might be better if you both found someone closer. (Maybe even look up some petsitters in her area and forward them to her.)

I would give her warning though. Exp: This is the last time we will be able to watch the animals.

Hope everything works out for you.

Terri

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'm not sure what the best solution is. Maybe your husband would know best how to deal with his mom. You might find a good pet sitting option for both of you and give her the information. Imo, fwiw I'd try not to rile her up, just gently let her know you can't be her one and only pet care option. I'd be busy, busy, busy...but I'd have someone in mind she could call. Hope it works out. She sounds delightful.

[Jen3boys]

I would just kindly mention that with the change in locations and the cost of gas, that it might be better if you both found someone closer. (Maybe even look up some petsitters in her area and forward them to her.)

I would give her warning though. Exp: This is the last time we will be able to watch the animals.

Hope everything works out for you.

Terri

I think this is a good idea. Or watch them a few times a year, but make your limitations clear. I also think your DH should tell her, or at least be there so that it's clear that it's a joint decision for your family.

[flutistmom]

Ouch! You're in a really uncomfortable spot, huh?! First, get your own pet care issue squared away. Ask your vet for pet-sitter recommendations. Remind the vet that your animal is geriatric, and will need extra care.(I have a sitter who keeps records about her clients' dogs, their ages, and meds, so she is always ready to care for them at a moment's notice.) Ideally, the person you choose will service an area large enough that he/she can provide care for MIL's animals as well. The next time MIL asks you to care for her critters, tell her that you're sorry you can't, but you are now using this fabulous, new pet-sitter, and give her the number. This way, you are telling her gently that you will no longer be asking her to do this chore for you, and hopefully, she will understand that she can no longer expect you to care for her animals either.

It may be impossible to find a sitter at this late date, so you may want to care for her animals *this one last time*. But make sure that you let her know when she returns that you have a sitter for your pets, and she needs to get one for hers.


Good luck!!
-Robin

[Lisa at Home]

I had already decided that whatever I decide to do, dh has to break the news.

Yes, I was going to do it "this one last time."

But pet sitting recommendations are a BIG no. Number one, I think I am going to be able to use one of the older teens at church as a house sitter. He will not be interested in doing anything for MIL.

#2, FIL won't allow anyone else in the house, which is going to have to be his problem, not mine. I think they are going to have to be responsible for finding their own solution if I don't watch their animals anymore.

Thanks for all the responses thus far!

~Lisa

[bkpan]

If it is short notice, then I would definitely take care of the pets this time, but then I would brainstorm about alternatives. Could you maybe share the job with a neighbor? Like maybe the neighbor could feed the pets and such daily, and you could check on them every 2nd or 3rd Day? That way you're not saying that you won't help inlaws out, but that there is something that could be done to ease the burden a bit. I would definitely have dh handle the front end of it, though. HTH

Kim

[FlockOfSillies]

Find a pet sitter for your own pets, from whatever source you can -- church, vet, neighbor, phone book (try "pet boarding"), etc. Go on the trip with your husband.

Meanwhile, have dh tell your MIL, "Sorry, we'll be gone that weekend. You'll have to make other arrangements." Don't suggest anyone or anything to her as a solution. Let her and FIL figure it out. They're grown-ups.

You should also tell her, either right then or later on, that you won't be able to do it anymore. It's "become more trouble than it's worth" with the half-hour drive. No matter how nicely you phrase it, she'll be royally ticked off. Too bad for her. Just be polite.

And remember, being a doormat is not a prerequisite for being a good person.

[Lisa at Home]

For acknowledging that one can be a good person while refraining from being a doormat.

No matter how nicely you phrase it, she'll be royally ticked off. Too bad for her. Just be polite.

You're right. Yep, you're just right.

Thanks,

~Lisa

[Diane in CO]

Find a pet sitter for your own pets, from whatever source you can -- church, vet, neighbor, phone book (try "pet boarding"), etc. Go on the trip with your husband.

Meanwhile, have dh tell your MIL, "Sorry, we'll be gone that weekend. You'll have to make other arrangements." Don't suggest anyone or anything to her as a solution. Let her and FIL figure it out. They're grown-ups.

You should also tell her, either right then or later on, that you won't be able to do it anymore. It's "become more trouble than it's worth" with the half-hour drive. No matter how nicely you phrase it, she'll be royally ticked off. Too bad for her. Just be polite.

And remember, being a doormat is not a prerequisite for being a good person.

:iagree:

Diane

[Brindee]

I would NOT sit for her this time! Maybe I'm rude, but it's too far for you to go back and forth and run your family too, especially when she's basically rubbing your face in it. To me it almost seems like she's trying to show her superiority over you, and IS using you as a doormat!

I'd do what FlockOfSillies said and tell her no this time. And never do it again!

Obviously it's causing problems now. You need to get out of situations that are causing stress with family members! It's not working anymore so you have to step away from it sometime. NOW is the best time!

Just MHO.