Trying out a new discipline method - ok it seems to be failing too. Sigh.

[Cathy in IL]

My 9 yo dd is developing a sassy mouth and attitude. She just lost her freetime this morning for yelling rudely at her siblings. She then decided to yell and argue with me. Usually she would be sent to her room or lose more priveleges, but that is clearly not changing her attitude. She kept saying how mean and unfair I am. I told her to pick up her Bible and if she could show me a verse that tells her it is okay to talk to people like this she would be free to have playtime again. I told her if she could not find a verse like that, she should apologize for her behavior.

Several minutes later she was yelling, "Ok, I was wrong! But you are so mean, and everyone bothers me!" She was throwing books and stomping around. I sent her to her room and took away priveleges. I am at a loss as to what to do with her when she gets like this. She is my oldest. She has always been a compliant, queit, helpful child. For the most part she still is, but this moody, sassy side is mystifying me.

I am open to ideas or suggestions.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Hormones. Really. It doesn't make it right, but remember, these are very new feelings. It's hard for grown women to handle those feelings with consistency and grace. For a very young girl, it's well nigh impossible.

It's time to talk about her staying out of the way and letting you know when she's feeling this way. It's time for her to be able to tell you when this overwhelming feeling happens so you can help her do work in her room, you help her keep her cool, and let her know that this is normal. She will learn to function without hurting others, but it's a slow process.

Run her a hot bath, have a talk about protecting the relationship with the people you love the most, and let her know that her room is a VERY good place to take her schoolwork and get rid of those feelings.

[OnTheBrink]

Mine is becoming the same way. I caught her yesterday being mouthy and mean to a 5 year old! We were at church; I was working in the kitchen, so since she couldn't find anything better to do than be mean, I put her to work washing dishes.

I'm at a loss, too. A lot of her behavior is very similar to her father's nasty behavior, so it really sets me off to see it. The only thing I can do is hold her to the standards I've set and not back down.

[Sue G in PA]

I agree it doesn't make it right. My dd11 has been acting this way for over a year now. Yelling at everyone. Her favorite phrase is "you hate me!" or "you love the boys more than me!". Okay, right. I try to calmly explain that this behavior is inappropriate and that she must try to maintain self-control. We've written scripture verses about the benefits of self-control. We also had a little "talk" about what's happening to her body. We talk about how mommy can sometimes "flip out" over nothing b/c her body is just a little wacky at that time of the month (or EVERYDAY now that I'm pregnant!). It's so hard but eventually, I hope, our dd's will learn how to handle these hormonal moments with a bit more self-control (and possible one day I will as well, LOL!). Around here we won't tolerate phrases like "I hate you" or "you hate me" or taking frustration out on siblings or even mom and dad. When disciplined dc must submit w/ a good attitude, apologize and state the offense. It doesn't always happen right away, but after some cooling down time, most of my dc eventually come around. Most of them... Sorry no magic pill but it will get better.

[Doran]

It's time to talk about her staying out of the way and letting you know when she's feeling this way. It's time for her to be able to tell you when this overwhelming feeling happens so you can help her...


Yes, yes, yes!!! When the hormonal rage struck my oldest, she became very good at saying, often through clenched teeth, "I need to take a walk." If walking alone isn't something yours can do, where you live, help her create other outlets.

I also had to beef up my levels of patience, I explained to her sibling (a younger girl) that when things started to spiral, it was imperative that buttons not be pushed, that space be given. I became more accustomed to tears showing up at the most unexpected times. I examined my parenting style and allowed it to shift a bit from a the model we had always followed ("You do as I say or else"), to something slightly more...what?...understanding. That doesn't mean I allowed her to trample feelings and family. Just that I took on a new perspective to her foul moods and didn't see them as outright disobedience.


HTH,
Doran

[Mrs. H.]

for the person they were mean to. I have my children apologize immediately, following this model:

*insert offended's name* I'm sorry I *insert offense*. It was *mean, an accident, etc.*. Will you please forgive me?

This gives you a chance to teach the offended child not to hold grudges, it allows them to feel like you are paying attention to what happens to them, and I have seen this humble an ornery child in a instant. For some reason, children don't like to have to ask for forgiveness, and it seems to concrete that they were wrong. No yelling, no threats. Then, have her go immediately and do something nice for the person who was offended. If it was you, she has to do something nice for you. Right then. Even if it means putting off school for a few minutes.

If the child can't think of a good deed to do, you can come up with one. We have used things like: you must spend *insert amount of time* playing a game of your brother's choice, with no attitudes or fighting. For me, I might request a chore done that I don't particularly like doing. Children who spend their time doing things to help and be nice to others don't have time to sit around feeling sorry for themselves, or think about how 'mean everyone is to them.' Just my .02.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Cathy, I normally wouldn't reply with Christian content, but since you posted with Christian content, here goes!

First, I make my kids repeat whatever they said in a mean snarky way again in a nice way. It helps them get the idea that "tone" is just as important as the words themselves.

Second, I was explaining just yesterday to my ds10 that God has put him in a family to practice social interaction. The relationship between him and his parents is primarily for learning how to respond to authority (though he also observes how we interact as a married couple and also sees how we respond to him with "unconditional" (though flawed because we're human) love.) I believe that he practices how to respond to friends and a future mate in his interactions with his sister (not romantically - get that idea out of your head!) I am so glad that I am married to my best friend. But I told him how our marriage would change (and perhaps not survive) and how much our family would change if dh and I were mean and snarky to each other all the time.

Third, we've been hearing the "I'm a victim" kind of talk too. I told him that true repentence doesn't necessarily involve tears and certainly doesn't involve self pity (that's arrogance) but admitting that we are wrong and relying on God's grace.

Fourth (whew!) I do let him retire to his room or a corner with a book when he is feeling like he needs to be alone during our free times. If it is school time or chore time or mealtime he can't just decide to slink off by himself (he couldn't in the "real world" either). But he is allowed to ask if he can take an assignment to a quiet corner or to his room (which I will allow if it is one that doesn't require a lot of input from me). And he is allowed to ask if he can do a chore without his sister's help (some chores are two-person jobs) and he can sit quietly at the table and just listen at the dinner table. I kind of monitor how much alone time he's getting. Sometimes I see him starting to unravel socially and gently suggest some alone time (not as a punishment - but as a preventative). Sometimes I notice that he's been spending too much alone time and suggest or even require that he comes out to interact with people (I require a good attitude in doing so).

[Mx5]

My 9 yo dd is developing a sassy mouth and attitude. She just lost her freetime this morning for yelling rudely at her siblings. She then decided to yell and argue with me. Usually she would be sent to her room or lose more priveleges, but that is clearly not changing her attitude. She kept saying how mean and unfair I am. I told her to pick up her Bible and if she could show me a verse that tells her it is okay to talk to people like this she would be free to have playtime again. I told her if she could not find a verse like that, she should apologize for her behavior.

Several minutes later she was yelling, "Ok, I was wrong! But you are so mean, and everyone bothers me!" She was throwing books and stomping around. I sent her to her room and took away priveleges. I am at a loss as to what to do with her when she gets like this. She is my oldest. She has always been a compliant, queit, helpful child. For the most part she still is, but this moody, sassy side is mystifying me.

I am open to ideas or suggestions.

Time to teach her that she cannot control how she feels, but she CAN always control how she acts, and she can also control what she thinks about, which can help or hinder her mood.

If she chooses to be in any way sassy or disrespectful, she is choosing to go to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal. (She may very well need the extra sleep.) Teach her to excuse herself when she feels her temper snapping, so she can go to her room and calm down. If she chooses to make others' lives miserable, she is choosing to be away from them. If she slams the door, the door comes off hinges for a while. If she is sassy to you, she is choosing to not be with friends, because we can't take the chance that she'll be hurtful to them, too, ya know ;)

It's a great time for her to learn self control. Or re-learn it.

[Tonia]

Time to teach her that she cannot control how she feels, but she CAN always control how she acts, and she can also control what she thinks about, which can help or hinder her mood.

If she chooses to be in any way sassy or disrespectful, she is choosing to go to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal. (She may very well need the extra sleep.) Teach her to excuse herself when she feels her temper snapping, so she can go to her room and calm down. If she chooses to make others' lives miserable, she is choosing to be away from them. If she slams the door, the door comes off hinges for a while. If she is sassy to you, she is choosing to not be with friends, because we can't take the chance that she'll be hurtful to them, too, ya know ;)

It's a great time for her to learn self control. Or re-learn it.

I agree with this - I'm learning this now (at 30! :eek: )and wish my mother had taught me how to get my emotions under control when I was a teen. I often have to "send myself to my room" until I can be a nice person again ;)

[Cathy in IL]

Thanks for the insight and the reminders about hormones. She is still my little girl, it's hard to think she could be growing up so quickly. It does make sense tough. I talked to her about hormones and the way they influence emotions. We discussed acceptable and unacceptable ways to handle those emotions. I asked her to think of specific things she could do that would calm her down. She was able to think of ideas. The rest of the day wasn't all roses and sunshine, but she did come to me and ask for help when she was getting frustrated with the little children later today. The afternoon was much better than the morning. I could tell she was really trying to be kind, and I think I was more understanding of the new emotions she may be experiencing.