Teen boy/girl relationships - what would your counsel be to my friend?

[Sharon in SC]

Personally, dh and I have taken the route of discouraging our dds from one on one relationships with boys in their teen years. We simply can't identify a good reason for relationships of that nature in the teen years.....

However, I received a call from a dear friend this morning at her wits end and she specifically asked me to "ask your cyber friends what they would do in my shoes." (You guys *really* have a great reputation! :p)

Reader's Digest version: My friend's husband left her when this daughter was about 7 years old. We both agree that she suffers from needing more attention from her dad. She was homeschooled until the 8th grade when she began public school. Within 3 months of that experience she began to show signs of succumbing to the classic peer pressure thing - battled her mom over the need to wear eyeliner, found it important to dress like the girls she admired at school, earnestly pressed for a MySpace account (which she ultimately did get) so that she could "be in touch with the others", etc, etc. Related factors include a dad who does not carry the same values, necessarily as the mom, so there is some divisiveness between the two parents regarding what boundaries should be maintained for this girl. (Dad lets boy friends in the girl's bedroom at his home, etc).

Fast forward to the situation prompting this post - this girl has enjoyed the company of a boy who lives in their neighborhood for the last couple of years. They've progressed to the place where, though they're not allowed to "date", they're "going out" (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend). They're "in love". Last summer things reached the place where there was some physical petting going on. When df realized this, she immediately instituted stricter boundaries (boundaries I feel should have been implemented all along but that's really neither here nor there). These two kids were no longer able to enjoy the family basement (guitar hero, pool, etc) alone, this girl could no longer go to the boys' home, he's been welcome to their home only with df's supervision, etc.

Lately, this young man informed the girl that he was going to break up with her because of her mom's rules. He's not happy with the fact that the girl cannot come into his bedroom or go to the movies with him alone. I think we can all agree for what purpose he's desiring those freedoms, yes? (He has since recanted and said he can abide by the mom's rules...)

This child has basically fallen into the trap of finding ALL of her identity in this relationship. She has no interest in maintaining relationships with any of the girlfriends with whom she's grown up (my daughter being one of them). All of those girls in her life feel the same - "We don't have anything in common with H. anymore." H. is driven to one thing - talking to, being with, doing things with her boyfriend. She's 14. As an outsider looking in I feel this is extremely unhealthy and, frankly, would have nipped things in the bud a long time ago. But, it wouldn't help for me to express this to my friend right now so I haven't (though I have shared, from my perspective, how unhealthy I feel the relationship itself is).

This child eats, sleeps, and breathes this relationship and is very much disinclined to seek out or enjoy family togetherness unless, "A. can come, too."

So, if you've persevered this far - my friend would like to know what you guys would recommend she do in this situation. She definitely has a situation that could prompt frank rebellion if she tries to implement too much boundary too soon. She attended the Silver Ring Thing with her dd last weekend. In a conversation since then when she tried to address with her dd that she felt the boyfriend relationship was not good, her dd declared, "I am NOT breaking up with A." Past that, df wants to begin putting limits on the # of days these two can be together. Typically they play soccer in the yard, guitar hero in the basement, etc. They're constantly in touch with one another (cell phone, IM, etc). Df has tried to limit phone time/computer time but they seem to find ways to work around that (late night text messaging when lights are supposed to be out, etc). Df has repeatedly taken the cell phone way for instances such as that...

On behalf of my friend, thanks in advance for taking the time to share whatever wisdom you may have for her....

Blessings,
Sharon

[Rich with Kids]

Sharon,

You have a looooooong email coming towards you!

[Claire]

Oh. my. word.

I have a 17yo dd in public high school and it shocked me when you mentioned the girl's age is 14!

Honestly, I think this Mom's best move would be to get some individual and family counseling -- starting right now. This problem is only going to get worse and less manageable with time. If the mother starts instituting more and more regulations, the teens will only find more and more ways to get around those regulations. She has maneuvered herself into a no-win situation. Her best hope is to get an impartial counselor (she would need to look for a *good* one with a rep for working with teens, not just anyone picked out of the phone book) to work with the girl, and with her, to establish mutually acceptable rules for interaction with this boy. If the girl does not buy into the mother's rules, these rules will only push the girl further into rebellion with the boy.

Meanwhile, if I were this girl's mother, I would have her turn over her cell phone every night at bedtime and give it back to her every morning. Does the mother *supervise* the MySpace account? If not, that account should be terminated.

[Cadam]

Is your friend religious at all? The thing that is most disturbing to me is that it is obvious this little girl is looking for a man's love. She isn't going to get what she needs from her dad and according to my beliefs the only one who can fill that need is God. Someday when she marries she will be disappointed to find that her dh won't be able to fill that void, only the love of her creator can help.

I would suggest the mom read a book called "Healing for damaged emotions" it is meant for adults and only mom would be able to tell if it is appropriate for her dd, but either way it would give insight into healing this part of her dd's heart. She wants the love enough that she has not guarded her heart. If a woman won't or can't guard her heart she can't guard her body. My guess is this girl is pretty physically involved with this boy and the necessary separation is going to be very painful.

[Sharon in SC]

Yes, my df loves Jesus and walks with Jesus. What you have written here represents sound Godly counsel. My friend and I have discussed this very thing (need for Daddy's love and this being a need for the work of the Holy Spirit in H's life). Additionally, we have come to the belief that H has yet to *truly* accept Jesus to be the Lord of her life. She mouthes the words but we feel she has yet to really *experience* relationship with the Lord. I will share your book recommendation with my df!

[Rich with Kids]

Sharon,

Two books that come to mind for both df and her dd:

Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge (this one literally changed my spiritual life!)

[Ellie]

as much as I understand the dd's need for her father's attention and all that, IMHO your df must be the one to stand firm.

She could make it clear that this young man is *welcome* to do things *with the family,*but that there will be no private goings on, KWIM? The cell phone would be gone, or at least the text-messaging feature would be disabled, and there would be limits on the phone's usage.

In fact, I would do as much tomato staking as possible, given the fact that the dd is in school. I know, I know, this could push her away, but golly, the possibilities of what could happen if she continues on her current path are way more tragic.

IMHO, family counseling wouldn't be all that effective.

[Sharon in SC]

Thanks! I'll share these titles with her.

[j.griff]

I would stop the phone use and IMing on the computer. Period. Since the boy is with her so much everyday anyway, there's really no need for them to be on the phone/IMing the rest of the time.

[Laura K (NC)]

has a son who is 18, I think. He had been dating a beautiful Christian girl for a few years. The last time I saw them together she looked like she adored him. I found out that less than a month after I saw them together he broke up with her and started going out with another girl.

Everyone who has seen this new girl has come to the same conclusions... the good Christian girl that this boy used to date must not have "put out," and so he dumped her for trailer trash. She's got a cute little figure, which she shows off with really tight clothes. She has platinum blond, greasy hair and wears too much makeup. She can barely speak in sentences.

I'm just sick for the girl who got left behind. I hope she knows that this boy, my friend's son, doesn't deserve her. All he wants is easy sex. He's just using this new girl. They fight every time I see them.

Your friend's daughter needs to be aware of her own worth, and that it doesn't come from her looks or her making herself physically available to any boy. A boy who would break up with her because he didn't have easy enough access to her body is scum. He might be cute, and they might have had fun together and had common interests, but if he's willing to throw their relationship away because of physical restrictions, then he doesn't care about HER. She deserves better. She needs to develop her own strengths and hold on to them.

My son is 14, and even though he's a good boy, he would be clueless about how to treat a girl the way she deserves to be treated. Boys are often a few years behind girls socially. He's not able to put a girl's heart before his own. Neither is the boy your friend's daughter is dating. Until she finds a boy who will lay down his life for her, she should avoid the dating scene. The only other option is for her to become hardened and to start using boys for her own desires, and that is no option, especially at 14. Our children should become more refined, not less.

[Volty]

Frankly, I think the mom's too overprotective. Teenagers get interested in boys, they date, they fall in love, that's a real powerful force of hormones and biology at work.

They've spent a lot of time together, they've waited a long time. The boy's not looking for easy sex, he's put up with the girl's mom this long, he's obviously really interested in this girl and is going to stick around. It's good that he's run the gamut this far, it means he's serious.

Teach her about safe sex, condoms. Then leave them alone. You learn, you grow, you maybe get hurt. But it makes you stronger too. It's all part of the process, the transition into adulthood.

I know, maybe unwelcome advice.

[Beth in OH]

I am a mom of 3 teenage daughters, 17, 15, 13, and my oldest attends ps part-time. I am also a conservative, evangelical Christian. I have encountered this frantic, s#x driven youth culture on many occasions, and I have a few opinions to share. Take them for what they're worth.

The two most important conclusions I have reached on this topic are:

1. The current youth culture surrounding s#x is vastly different than a generation ago, and our dc are affected regardless of whether they are hs'ed, ps'ed, parented well/poorly, Christian, other religion, no religion, etc. Parents need to know that while they can influence their dc's views, they cannot control dc's opinions. The current culture will be working against parents. Be ready to accept that your dc may buy into the current youth notion that s#x is a part of every relationship and that it's OK (I realize not all teens as individuals believe this, but it is a pervasive belief amont teens, generally). This cultural influence begins much younger than a generation ago. The stories we hear about s#xually active middle schoolers are shocking and heartbreaking, but we hear them because middle schoolers are increasingly becoming active.

2. No amount of parental controls on teen's behavior will prevent him/her from becoming s#xually active if he/she wants to. I once heard a respected Christian counselor say to a parent in a similar situation, "Do you know why there are so many teen pregnancies among Christian kids? It's because they weren't planning to be having s#x. Get your daughter on birth control." This is an issue that all parents have to wrestle with--even good parents with a strong Christian faith. Unfortunately, 14 is not too young.

I have one final observation about the world my dd's live in. The social scene (including boy/girl relationships) is chaotic and co-dependent to a very scary degree. Technology (IM and cell) have made emotionally immature kids available to each other in an unhealthy way. I think understanding co-dependency is helpful in this situation--both for the parent, and also for the dd, if she will listen. I recommend the book Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie. If alcoholism has touched this family in any generation (even great-grandparents), this understanding will be even more important.

Christian content--I have come to believe that the enemy is attacking our families through our children. This lie of self-indulgence, whether it's s#x, relationships, alcohol, substances, etc. is so enticing and destroys the strength of loving parents and healthy families (including single-parent families).

If your friend would like to talk privately, have her email me here.

Beth

[Volty]

current youth culture surrounding s#x is vastly different than a generation ago,

I know my advice will be unpopular and yours will be better received and I'm fine with that. But this line realy struck me. I'm 36, which doing the math, I was a teenager in the 80s. I assume you must be somewhat older than me since you have teens. But even if you came of age in the 70s, I don't know that the attitudes of youth culture towards sex is much different as what I (we?) went through.

From what I can tell, young people today are are quite similar to what I experienced as a teen and even then, I wasn't even born in when things really started to change. My own parents were just barely older than the hippes and the beatniks and they're in their 60s which is where the generational rift started.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

When our children place their hearts in the hands of their peers, we have to help them avoid the physical damage (assuming the emotional damage is out of our hands) and protect themselves.

I recommend that parent's of up and coming teens read "Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers" and read or view "The Lost Children of Rockdale County" for a taste of teen culture.

k

[Beth in OH]

When I was in middle/high school (the 70's--post Roe v. Wade), lots of high school age kids were having s#x. There was still an air of "My parents would kill me" and other kids would feign shock if they found out. In other words, there were still some moral issues, even if it was in the back of one's mind. Today, there is no privacy about s#xual encounters, and it's not primarily between boyfriend and girlfriend. It's very casual and very much discussed among peers. "Friends with benefits", and all that. It also starts much younger.

The other change that I see is in the area of teen pregnancy. In my day, I believe that teen girls were more afraid of becoming pregnant than today. "My parents would kill me" was a widely held belief among my peers. The consensus at my dd's lunch table is, "I don't really want to get pregnant right now, but if I did, it wouldn't be the worst thing." A substantial number of these girls regularly have unprotected s#x. One of my dd's peers had her baby last week, and her friends excitedly rallied around her with showers and offers to babysit. It's very cool to have a kid and raise it. It's extremely cool for guys to have a number of kids with different girls. BTW, we live in a rural area.

My beliefs are based on observation, anecdote, and experience. I do think it makes a difference that I graduated from highschool 28 years ago--more time for change in social mores. My bottom line is that I am heartsick for this generation of teenagers. Many of them are enslaving themselves to some very destructive behavior. Just my $.02.

Beth

[Lolly]

Fighting it is going to take it underground and that is a dangerous place to have a relationship. I'd allow the IMing and cell phone talking. I'd allow him to visit at my house with open doors (literally). I would allow them to be alone, but not private. I'd walk in a whole bunch; I'd send in dc often. I'd invite him on family outings. I'd invite him to church with us. He'd almost be a member of the family. Forbidding the relationship will just make it more attractive.

[Sharon in SC]

Thank you, so very much, to all who have responded! My df is greatly appreciative. She currently has an email in to a trusted family counselor (whom her dd has been to see before). For now, she plans to try to open the door of communciation with her dd with the concerns surrounding the fact that she has isolated herself from all other friendships because of this relationship.....

[Sharon in SC]

Thought you might appreciate hearing that my friend has the Lady in Waiting book and knows the author! :-) Thanks, again, for sharing!

[Cindy in FL.]

Sharon,

Our oldest son got involved with a girl who was about 3 years younger than him when he was in high school. He was friends with her brother. She had a difficult family situation and suffered from depression. He really wanted to reach out and try to help her. Their relationship got to be too exclusive and one thing led to another. In hind sight I would have completely ended the relationship very early on. It really created a nightmare for both families that has repercussions to this day (7 years later).

Speaking as the mom of the boy involved, I would advise your friend to get her daughter out of the relationship ASAP.

Cindy

[Sharon in SC]

Cindy, thank you for taking the time to share. I forward each of these responses to my friend and she is thankful for them all! Through this board's sacrifice of time on her behalf, she is feeling empowered to take a stand on her daughter's behalf.....again, thank you.